Happiness is a warm gun

Disclaimer: YA – HA! I don't own the Eyeshield 21 series; they belong to their respective owners. I only own this story's plot and OOC quirks of characters /snerks/. Oh, and I soo do not own the song Happiness Is A Warm Gun, it's a rightful property of Beatles.

Warnings: Misuse of a song, and several perverted meanings – i.e. Hiruma's filthy mind, the team's overprotective streak, and some disturbing pictures used in a psychological war, the courtesy of Hiruma's truly. Oh, and standard Shonen-ai – that means boy/boy love. Therefore, if you don't like, you don't need to read. All others enjoy!

Shout Out: Thanks for your support, and I hope this would appease the worshippers of Hiru/Sena

/evil smirk/

Sena was uncomfortable. Somehow, he had been dragged into something he didn't have the smallest wish to participate in.

Okay, at first was fun, but then… /Gulp/.

Well, the team was celebrating their win against Russian team, and of course, someone had to have enough of a twisted mind as to suggest that they have the dancing competition.

And oh no, that was not nearly enough…. There had to be a theme to the song, and the partners were chosen randomly.

And so, there were Akaba and Taki…. to the tune of Copacabana, and then, Monta got his chance with Mamori…. Or he would have, if somehow, Agon hadn't meddled, and got him tangled in with Suzuna, who wasn't happy…. Not by the least.

She had hoped to dance with Sena, but evidently, it wasn't written in the stars tonight. Both of them cried anime-tears while they danced on the Sk8ter Boi… nevertheless to say, the sight was very comical.

"Ooh! The next pair is…." Sakuraba glanced at the sheet in his hand, and paled.

"S – Sena-kun and…" he gulped loudly. All boys perked up. "C'mon, tell us already!" piped up Riku. "Uhh…" Sakuraba hesitated. Agon sneered. "What, the trash is too scared now?" He held Mamori on his lap possessively.

"Yes." Sakuraba gulped. "I give you Sena-kun and Hiruma…. Erm… the song is … Happiness Is A Warm Gun?!" He squeaked the title of the song out disbelievingly.

Everyone sweatdropped. /Typical Hiruma… Him and his guns…/

"Ke ke ke" The demonic blonde cackled up. His sharp blue eyes zeroed on the shell – shocked running back. "What are you waiting for, fucking shrimp? A written invitation?"

"Uh…. Yes?" Sena squeaked up. He gulped at the devilish glean in those blue eyes.

Everyone was prepared to duck for cover… just in case, if Hiruma would explode.

In the days of training as All – Japan Team, even other players learned to fear the slender quarterback. Going against his demands was not….advisable, to say the least.

They had healthy respect for the original Deimon team now, as they were thrown it the proverbial boiling oil, to swim to the Hell and back. Even usually unflappable Shin was a teeny, tiny bit twitchy now, when someone mentioned a gun...

"Just get your little tush over here, shrimp," Hiruma sighed with a long – suffering sigh.

Jaws dropped.

Hiruma didn't explode? Was the word coming to an end?

And what was with Hiruma? Or better, was that an impostor of Hiruma?

Surely, Hiruma wouldn't mentioned Sena's…. behind in a such context….

Mamori gawped. "Don't bully Sena!" She was ready, willing and able to fish out her mop to literally bash Hiruma's head to the floor. Agon gulped. She was a right firecracker, wasn't she? Just what possessed him to …. Shack up with her?

…. Ah, yes. She was able to stand against Hiruma….

"Che, fucking manager. Just sit tight…." Hiruma smirked. "I bet the fucking dread will enjoy your rump more then." Mamori squawked, and become beet red.

"Oi, fucking red…. Music!" he barked out.

Akaba gulped. "Yessir!" he manly squeaked.

And the soft beats rolled out.

Sena was left alone on the dance floor. Hips swaying slowly, softly, enticingly

She's not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do- Oh yeah

A naughty smile sparkled on his lips.

She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane

Turning around, he slid his hands across his torso, enticing tongue licking on the slick lips. Then, he began to move…

Hiruma grinned. He circled him as a starved shark, a possessive hand glancing those hips.

The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors
On his hobnail boots
Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy
Working overtime
A soap impression of his wife which he ate
And donated to the National Trust

Sena stilled, as a statue.

A velvety male voice began, and then, Hiruma was on move…

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix cause I'm going down

Moving slowly, almost sluggishly, there was something decidedly sleazy about that turn of his spiky golden head, and metallic sparkle of the thick earrings in his earlobes.

A pause, and then –

They exploded into action.

Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun

Twirling, grinding, fast and furious, and yet, there was somewhat hypnotic quality in their dance….

Many of their watchers gulped, as their pants became uncomfortably tight. – That wasn't dance, that was liquid sex on legs!

Even Takami, as cool – headed, as he was, had to discreetly whip out his stash of emergency tissues, which were gratefully used, with much haste.

Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun

Sena was dancing as if his life depended on it…. Well, maybe it was true. With Hiruma – san, a man never knew…

Happiness is a warm gun
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)

The sleazy voice was warm like syrup and chocolate, but not so quite reassuring, as all of the spectators expected Hiruma to pull out the guns…and start the party, mafia style.

Happiness is a warm gun, momma
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)

Meaning, with lots of guns and shooting.

When I hold you in my arms
(Ooooooooohhh, oh yeah!)

Hiruma embraced the pipsqueak tightly to himself, smugly grinning as Mamori looked like she would explode any given moment. Hell, even Agon was carefully inching her away from his lap, as if she was a dynamite going off in precisely…0,5 seconds.

And when I feel my finger on your trigger
I know nobody can do me no harm

They were further shocked as Hiruma caressed the runt's crotch, Sena's eyes going wide as a dinner plates. And he reddened a fetching shade of red, looking as if he was on the verge of fainting.

Because happiness is a warm gun, momma
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)

"That's not my trigger, Hiruma-san!" He squeaked into Hiruma's face as he was turned around. Hiruma just gave him one of his demonic grins. "Oh yeah? I beg to differ, fucking shrimp. "Sena squeaked as he felt Hiruma making a visible love bite on his neck.

Happiness is a warm gun
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)

"Shall I… prove you… wrong?" Hiruma purred in the chibi's ears, enjoying the squeak he had gotten out of his running back, seemingly unaware of rather large killing intent aimed at his back. He soo enjoyed messing with people's heads. He once again turned around the pipsqueak, and…

-Yes it is, it's a warm gun!
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)

… he made a show of checking out Sena's "gun".

Ooh, was that a growl in the background?

… and not the Mamori – type growl 'I-am-so-pissed –I could-kill-you-with-a-mop' variant?

But a multi-growl of 'You-are-so-a-dead-meat-!' growl?


Hiruma smirked.

Happiness is a warm, yes it is...

Sena squeaked out as he was turned around swiftly, and before he knew it, his lips were seized into a hot, French-type of a lip lock to the devilish quarterback's ones, and –


Surprisingly – or not, Mamori wasn't alone in her roar of outrage.

(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)

Hiruma finally tore himself away from those oh-so-delicious lips and looked around.

Well, shit.

No one was satisfied with his 'performance', it seemed.

Takami was in a 'dark' mode… and for the first time in his life, Hiruma contemplated of changing the danger rating of usually mild-mannered quarterback.

Agon was… Agon, as always.

Whoops…. Shin wasn't such an emotionless drone, after all. The fucking linebacker was literally on fire, and Hiruma really didn't want to taste that Trident Tackle. Nooo, nope, not in a million years.

Akaba was fuming, and along with Kakei, they were crackling their fists in an uncanny figure 'I'm-gonna-pound-you…. Badly.' Distantly, Hiruma thought that was by the far one of the scariest things he had seen, since the moment the fucking-manager threatened him with the suspension of entire Devilbat team.

Riku was foaming at his mouth, along with Huh – Sankyoudai.

Monta and Taka looked faintly sick, but still intent on beating the shit out of him.

Gaou and Marco teamed out, Marco having a small nosebleed. Hiruma smirked. /Bingo. Blackmail, here we come. /

Yamato was furious. Hiruma gulped. He had seen what Yamato's Caesar's Charge could do, first hand, and he really didn't want to be a sole recipient of it. Heck, he'd sooner take his chances with Trident Tackle… on the other hand, maybe not.


He licked his lips slowly, tasting the sweet taste of youth.

/That. Does. IT..!/

The killing intent spiked dramatically.

Well don't ya know that happiness is a warm gun, momma?

The singer practically mocked the seething crowd.

"You. Are . Going. DOWN!"Yamato practically howled the last word, and the avalanche on Hiruma began.

There was a click of camera….

(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)

… and the bloodletting began.

Hiruma was being chased around, as he cackled wildly.

Sena just blushed, touching his lips reverently.

That thief… just stole his first kiss.



Somewhere, team X meeting:

"Eehh? Why did our spy send us the photos?" The coach blinked. It was unusual for photos to come at 4 AM, and the coach wasn't in a good mood. Because of some insipid idiot, he had to cut short sleeping with his Bunny – chan.

Her pretty brown fur, beautiful black eyes, silky soft whiskers…. No matter, if she was missing her left leg, just because some evil dog decided she would make a good toy.

He still loved his Bunny-chan, with all his heart!

He tore open the envelope "Hmm. Wonder which team is so important as to make our spy to shit his pants…" he mumbled to himself.

Then, his eyes fell on the white sheet. There, there were only six words written on it. Avoid the Japanese team at all cost.

He blinked. /What on Earth...?/

He shuffled through the pictures. They were fairly normal… some monkey catching the bananas, one giant having match with a fatso in arm-wrestling, none giving much, some dread head seducing – was that their manager on the photo! - the redhead playing guitar, the devil – looking kid instructing something to the mullet-head…the list went on. He sweatdropped.

"They aren't so dangerous, anyway." He muttered. Another white sheet fluttered past. He caught it lazily.

I am not joking. You still sure you want to have a match with them?

His eyebrow twitched with irritation.

"Yes, why wouldn't I?" he growled out.

Another sheet.

This is your last chance.

Now, he was pissed.

"What the fuck are you talking about!" he snarled out, crumpling the paper in a ball.

Well, don't tell me I didn't warn you….

Another envelope appeared seemingly out of nowhere.

By the way, I quit.

Irritated, he tore the envelope apart.

A single photography fluttered down on the desk.

He looked down….

And promptly screamed like a little girl.

This – This was pure evil! They were demons, no doubt of it!

Later this day, Japan had a match with team X.

Taka twirled around in his uniform. "Ahahaha, we are 500% sure to win!" Suzuna sighed, bashing him down. The other teammates were still seething from the last evening's happenings – namely Hiruma molesting their little Sena – chan.

"AAH!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN; THEY QUIT!?" came Agon's enraged voice. The messenger winced. "D – Due to some unexplained circumstances the team's coach had to be carted off into the hospital… and the team doesn't want to play without their coach.

"Fuu… "Akaba pushed his glasses higher up his nose, the gesture he unconsciously picked up from Takami. "That's strange..." He secretly looked at their running back. The eyeshield was blue this time, making him secretly happy, as Sena had decided to wear his eyeshield to the match, much to Yamato's chagrin. /Score one for me, then,/ he smirked smugly.

Sena was his usual self, caring for others and reassuring the fussing girls. Somehow, he became the unofficial little/big brother to the entire cheerleaders' team. Kami only knew how he did that

Finally, the team X came to the field. They were all bigger and heavier than Japan team, and they were declared likely winners between their struggle with Japan.

Gaou's eyes were sparkling.

Oh, boy.

But, wait, what…?

They were… Shaking?

Yamato had to blink. "Hey, are you alright?" He smiled at the giant opposite him reassuringly. The giant looked down at him, and paled. Yamato offered his hand into a handshake…

"MOMMY!" The giant wailed.

The field stilled. Monta went bug – eyed. "Oi, what's with your teammate?" he demanded of his opponent. The giant shook violently. "P – Please, spare me! I will do anything!"

Sena looked around. "Ano….W – why are you so scared? We don't bite, anyway…" he trailed off. Hopeful, teary eyes looked at him. "R – Really?" The captain of team X asked tremulously. Sena smiled a small, reassuring smile. "Really."

And a moment after, he was being smothered in a huge bear hug, almost choking. "A – Air, Please!" he gasped out.

Something ominous prodded the captain to look up from smothering the small running back, his personal savior.

And was smacked with a lot of killing intent.

He gulped. /T – they really are demons…/ He backed away, Sena still in his embrace, like some weird plush toy.

"Let. Him. Go." The tall, aquamarine – eyed devil said, growling.

He began hyperventilating. "A – Are you alright?" The Eyeshield asked him, concerned.

He gulped.

The devils approached.

He gave out the only order that seemed appropriate in that moment.


Before even began, the match degraded itself into one weird version of play – tag, with Sena as a valuable asset neither side wanted to relinquish to other…. Well, despite the injuries, and mental scars for life, the team X preserved in keeping the tiny running back as long as they could.

This was to say, not long.

The Devil team, as they were officially dubbed later, was efficient in retrieving their possession, and in the process, they unknowingly managed to get through other teams a very efficient message.

Do. Not. Touch. The. Eyeshield. If .You .Want. To. Live.

Oh, and of course, America didn't stand a chance.