The exam is driving me absolutely nuts/bananas (mmm…).

I think I'll drive the characters insane as well.

Note: I am not, in any way, shape or form, against homosexuals. But I hate yaoi, and I bet Vincent is STRAIGHT.

Vampiric Hysteria

Vincent Valentine was generally known as the most collected, most calm, most depressed, and the most bad-ass gunslinger in the history of the Turks and well, the world. It helped that he had a floaty cape that he somehow magically turned into whenever he felt like it, or his red eyes, or the weird claw that seemed to serve no purpose and could puncture someone's stomach, or the weird footpiece that he had to wear that creaked everywhere he went. His hair was unwashed, his clothes were leather and metal and realistically speaking they would have smelled miles away, but for some bizarre reason – maybe it was because he wasn't human – he didn't sweat. In fact, there were jokes going around amongst kids that vaguely reminded us of Van Diesel jokes.

Even faced with the toughest adversary (and one of them was called Reno – the juvenile redhead just drove the gunman up the wall with his inane and childish actions), he kept his calm. He had lived through the years without a mobile phone until Marlene told him it was unbelievable and so un… hip to not have a mobile in this day and age. In fact, he was so calm that when faced with a huge monster of a thing called Bahamut, he had the temerity to ask Tifa where the phone shop was. Why Tifa could calmly tell Denzel that he was her friend in that time of crisis is anyone's guess.

So why was this calm gunman screaming his head off?

It was because of the certain site called "fanfiction dot org".

It all started with Reno. Faced with the fact that, in fact, the girls didn't really think of him as a sex god but rather as Rude's boyfriend, a sex slave, or some other, he had retaliated by sending the link to everyone he knew, which included Cloud. Cloud then took retaliation by sending it to Vincent. And Vincent, as if he wasn't tortured enough already (although his "atonement", which was sleeping, was doing much good to his skin – it was so clear and fresh and amazing it put Tifa's to shame), had clicked on the link.

Vincent knew the proverbial "Curiosity killed the cat", but this time he really believed. Facing him were sloppy fictions that would have put any erotica writer to shame.

"'Vincent…' Reno whispered huskily. 'I've wanted you… always…'

His hot breath was on his neck, his hair tickling his cheek, his hands roaming the bare chest…"

"Vincent, since when did you turn from a necrophiliac into a faggot?" Death Gigas asked rudely. "I don't know which is worse."

"I'd say being a faggot," said Gallian Beast, snickering.

"Are you SURE?" asked Chaos. "At least with a faggot the partner's living. It's not maggoty and rotten."

"Eeew," said Hellmasker.


"Cloud moaned in pleasure as Vincent's fangs sank into his vein. The vampire's raven locks touched his collarbone, painting dark tendrils on his pale flesh. Vincent's hand roamed between Cloud's legs…"

"STOP READING, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" Chaos screamed.

"You made poor Hellmasker cry!" Sure enough, Hellmasker was sobbing.

"Vincent, you sick bastard!" Gallian Beast shouted, just for the hell of it.

Not many people knew this, but Vincent was also an idealist as well as a romanticist. This resulted in him still being a virgin, after 50 some years of his life. Seeing himself engaging in… in… sodomy, when in reality he has not even touched a woman's flesh (he only got to first base with Lucrecia and that was only once), was grating on his nerves. And not many grated his nerves; it had to be really annoying, like Cloud's emo whinging.

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I HAVE NOT DONE THIS!" Vincent screamed. His neighbour wondered who Vincent was talking to, since Vincent Valentine lived alone and NEVER had visitors. He was creepy enough without the long uncut hair and ragged cape, but with his habit of lurking in the dark and sleeping under the bed, he was truly a child's nightmare. Literally.

Click. "'Sephiroth… I am your father…' Vincent breathed. The silver-haired general's face was dumbstruck. Struck by sudden desire – or was it lust? – Vincent kissed him on the red lips, sucking the sweet nectar from his mouth…"

"Since when did this turn into Star Wars?" Death Gigas wondered.

"Hey, that was a bloody good movie."

"Except Padme looked like she wasn't wearing anything when Anakin went nuts… hey, Anakin had red eyes too, and he went insane, just like Mr. Somebody."

"R2D2 was funny."Hellmasker smiled stupidly.

"'Hey, it was your $(*in' eyes,' Cid said. Vincent kissed him anyway, tasting the cigarettes in the captain's mouth. Cid smelled of vanilla with a dash of tobacco; the vampire felt his sinewy arms around the torso, feeling, exploring, groping…"

"Mm, vanilla," said Chaos.

"I want vanilla ice cream!"

"Hey Vincent, whatever Cid's using in the shower, can you use it too?" Death Gigas said.

"Don't be retarded, Giggie. Vincent doesn't shower. You should tell him to practice personal hygiene first."

This was the last straw. Fine, Vincent had no life, and until recently no phone, his cloak was in rags, he made metallic clanking noises everywhere he went, and he never even went to the second base, but the hideous sodomy added with his monsters' comments were just intolerable.

He howled. He screamed. He whipped out Cereberus, shot everything in sight, including the walls. He threw a temper tantrum. In his rage, he morphed between his monsters faster than a Midgarian hooker hopping out of clothes (and into Reno's pants)…

It is still a child's nightmare, but this one was made real. Or rather, the yaoi fanfiction author's nightmare made real. For a rumor had began to go around, in which a terrible, awful monster would appear at the author's bed late in the night, and rip the said human into shreds with bare hands, eat the shreds, suck on blood…

Vincent wondered why his mouth was covered in blood in the morning. And why he had hair clinging onto his nails and why his hands were bloody. And why sometimes he found himself in the alley.

Reno read the newspaper, had learned that the terrible terrible curse called yaoi fanfiction had reached the former Turk.

"Heh heh," he snickered.