A little more than hinted slash. I own nothing. Read and review!


"So how have you been doing lately Jared? You're mother tells me you're not making much progress; it's even worse at times I've heard. She thinks you are … well, frustrated. She told me we may need to start you on medication. How does that make you feel Jared?"

'My mom can go screw herself,' I thought. She has me here in stupid therapy with this stupid jack ass and expects me to just blurt out everything I'm thinking and feeling to some stranger. I mean, what the hell? I'm thirteen years old. Yeah, I get angry sometimes. And yes, abusive too. But it's never been that bad. I've never really hurt someone. Well, not physically anyway …

But it's not my fault I'm like this. It's hers. She's been such a bitch lately. I mean, yeah, I know it's rough getting a divorce. I'm not an idiot. But still, why the hell are they separating anyway? Dad's a good guy. Well, actually, Dad's a great guy. He's never done anything bad … to me. Sure, he and mom used to fight all the time. But couldn't they go to therapy for like couples or something? No, they couldn't. Well, they wouldn't, actually. So now I'm stuck here while mom believes I'm the one with a problem.

But I'm not. She is. I have no doubt about that. She just needs to fucking chill. I hate it that she's so uptight and stressed lately. Yeah, I love my mom. But why the hell can't she just forget about dad? Wasn't that her goal when she signed the papers? To forget?

Well, she isn't forgetting. Not yet anyway. And her not forgetting makes her stressed. And her stress makes her like the craziest person on earth. And when she's crazy, I get mad. She's always telling me to do this or do that and I'm sick of it. So I scream. And hit. And kick. And do whatever else it takes to get that bitch to stop talking to me. So now she thinks I'm "frustrated." Which is why I'm here in some stupid office with some stupid therapist.

"How do you think that makes me feel?" I mocked Mr. Therapy Man. "You expect me to say, 'Oh Mr. Therapy Man, I just feel so sorry for my mother. She's been going through so much and I haven't been there to help her.' Well too bad, 'cause I don't feel like that."

"Then what do you feel?"

"What the hell do you think I feel? I'm fucking pissed! My parents are separating, I'm moving into some shitty place I've never seen in the middle of nowhere, and my stupid family expects me to be a fucking angel through it all." I paused; for dramatic effect, of course. "And stupid Mallory won't leave me alone, always bugging me about, 'Jared, you should be much nicer to mom. She really needs us. And if you can't then I'll tape your mouth shut and tie you down to a chair until you do show some respect.' How comforting do you think that is, huh Mr. Whatever-Your-Name-Is? And Simon is just a fucking loser. I mean, I love him, he's my twin brother, but he needs to fucking grow a pair. He's like Mom and Mal's lap dog. He does whatever they say, and I try to defend him and tell him he doesn't have to do their shit, but he just doesn't listen! Is he like afraid of them or something?" I grunted and sat back in my chair, glaring in frustration out the window into the New York City streets, which I'd soon be hundreds of miles away from.

"Mhm, mhm, I see how you feel Jared. You're upset that nobody else is trying to hold things together with your mom and dad. You love them both dearly, and you know your mom is having a hard time, but you refuse to accept the fact that your father will soon be out of your life almost completely."

I grunted to let him know I was angry. But I didn't deny it …

"Tell you what. I'm not going to prescribe you any medication … yet. But I am going to ask you to be nicer to your mother. I know it's hard Jared, but you've got to control your emotions. Talk it out. You have Simon. But you've got to promise me that you won't hit anything or anybody anymore, okay?"

"Whatever."

"Jared, please. I honestly know how much pain you are dealing with, but you've got to control yourself so you won't have to take anything. Prove to your mother that you don't need help. If you can promise me you'll do that, then we're all done here."

"Yeah, I guess." I folded my arms and looked down.

"Well, good. We've come a long way Jared." He paused when he heard a knock on the door. "I think that's your mother. Time to get going. Remember, be good. Control your emotions. Talk or even cry if you need to. It will help."

"Goodbye." I shrugged him away in annoyance. God I hate my mother right now.

"How did it go?" She said it in like a sad monotone. Like she was prepared for me to shrug her off too. She was right.

"Fine." I put my mp3 headphones in and let the music calm me. It always helped.

We walked down the stairs, out the door, and got into the car without saying another word to each other. Mal and Simon were already in the car and all the bags were in the trunk. I guess they decided to go a little early. Good thing I packed early.

I hit the pause button on my mp3. "Did you remember my bag?" I asked everybody, and Mal ignored me while Simon nodded with a smile. God, I love how he could always be so care free. But I was still pissed. I did not want to go to this stupid house in the middle of nowhere that belonged to Aunt Whatever-Her-Name-Is. But I refrained from speaking in order to stay calm, and listened to my music the whole way there. I'd say I was off to a decent start. But why the hell was I listening to that stupid therapist? Well, at least mom seems more relaxed …

***

"So what did you think of the first day in the new house?" Simon asked me as if I enjoyed it.

"Well, other than the honey and tomato fetish and the salt on the windows, it was pretty normal." I laughed, mockingly, as if I was calling him stupid for asking the question in the first place. "Oh, and the part where there was a rat in the wall which Mal and I broke and I had to clean up. That was pretty dandy." I hated being this mean. Especially to Simon. But I couldn't control myself. "And now I'm stuck sleeping here in this stupid room with stupid you."

Simon sighed as if trying not to let it affect him. It didn't work. I'm sorry brother. I just can't control it … My thoughts were interrupted by his voice.

"Jared, you really should learn to be more considerate. I mean, I don't really care how you act towards me, but I wish you'd be nicer in general. And mom really can't take much more of your anger, so just cool. You did great today, really. Except for the whole not getting out of the car thing. But still, you are getting better. Just, keep it up, please?" I hate it when he acts so innocent. It always gets to me.

"I won't have to be nice to you or mom or anybody. Dad's coming to get me, just wait. You'll regret not coming."

"Jared …" He sat on the bed next to me and got close to me. "I don't think dad's coming."

The words stabbed right through my heart. My own twin brother doesn't have faith in our father. Mom said it, but I didn't believe her. Mal said it, but she's a bitch. But now Simon's saying it. Is it true?

There was a long silence. He tried to be sincere and comfort me, but I'd had enough.

"Shut up Simon. Go away." I screamed and pushed him away. "You're so gay." I think those words stabbed right through him. I noticed, but I couldn't resist. "That's right, I know your stupid secret. It's pretty obvious that you like other boys Simon. I see you checking them out all the time. Not to mention you stare at me when we jerk off." I laughed in kind of a psychotic rage. I was totally out of line. But, I couldn't help it …

"Y'know what, Jared? I'm sick of your shit." He screamed and paused. This is the angriest I've made him in a long time. "I'm the only one that's nice to you and you still have to be a complete ass to me." He started sobbing in frustration, trying not to get angry with me like I'd done with him.

"I'm sorry for calling you gay Si-"

"Shut up." He cut me off. Those words, coming from Simon, slashed right through me. "Of all people, I thought you'd understand. You're my twin. Big deal, I'm gay." My jaw dropped. I never actually thought… "So now you know. But you don't have to go offending me like that."

"I didn't mean it like that, I didn't know you actually were, it was just a-"

"Just a what? Another stupid remark from your stupid mouth that you can't control?" He was crying and yelling now. But I didn't care anymore. He had no right to call me stupid. "You're such an ass, Jared."

Without even thinking, I hit him. Good and hard, right on the face. He was hysterical, and Mallory came rushing in when she'd heard him.

"What the hell did you do?" She screamed at me and aided Simon out of the room and into the bathroom; to wipe off the blood, I'm sure. I was standing in the middle of the room, not knowing what to do or think, but then I fell to my knees, angry with myself.

What did I do? I'm such an ass. I just hit the person I love most. The person that loves me most. And who knows if he'll ever forgive me? Oh god. I'm crying now, almost as hard as Simon was, and I couldn't control myself. I bent down, throwing my face in my hands and just crying. There was a puddle on the floor and I couldn't stop. What the hell did I do?

I didn't even hesitate and walked up a nd headed for the bathroom. My eyes were red and my shirt was wet by wiping my tears on it, but if he was there, if I could see him and say sorry, I'd be okay. If he was there, I'd hug him. Embrace him. For being there for me all the time. He probably wouldn't forgive me though… But it didn't matter because he wasn't there. I walked in, and nothing was there. Nothing except for a few toothbrushes and a razor in a cup by the sink. A razor that tempted me so much. I immediately shut the door and took the razor in my hand. I was looking at myself in the mirror; eyes red, tears streaming down my face, contemplating whether to do it or not. Without another thought I slashed right through the layer of skin on my wrist and let the blood flow.

Why did I do this? It hurt so badly. I was still crying hysterically, but nobody comforted me. Because I was a complete ass. I'm so sorry Simon. I'm so sorry.

Thoughts kept racing through my head of my brother sopping wet in blood and tears, and I couldn't help but cut my wrist once more. To let the blood flow. To ease my mind.

***

After that, I didn't know what to do, so I pulled down the sleeves of my shirt over my bleeding arm, and I left, searching for any excuse to avoid Simon. I mean, what was I supposed to say to him? I'm sorry? No. I just couldn't bear facing him yet. So I ventured off to where we broke the wall earlier. There was a dumbwaiter there and I needed to be anywhere but in my room, so I cleaned it and went up, realizing I won't be able to avoid everyone for too long.

When I returned to my room, eyes still red from my tears, with the new book I'd found to that place the dumbwaiter brought me, it appeared as though Simon was sleeping. So I went in and grabbed my flashlight, and went to get in bed when I heard Simon sobbing.

By that point, my eyes were still red, my shirt was still wet, and the blood on my wrist had stopped flowing so badly, but I still felt a world of hate for myself. I still needed to be with my brother and comfort him, so in return I may get some comfort as well.

I got into bed with him and said as sincerely as I could, "I'm sorry." But he ignored me. And it hurt like hell to be ignored right then. But I had to win his attention back. I just had to distract him; ease his mind. "Look, I found this book upstairs." … Nothing. "It's got all kinds of fairies and magical creatures in it, isn't that cool?" He tried to give it a quick glance without me noticing, but I saw his eyes flicker toward me for just a second. "C'mon, just look at it. Supposedly, that Arthur Spiderwick guy wrote it. He says there's another world coexisting with our own. Do you want to read it with me? I think I believe him!" I said in a childish way, giggling through my tears and congested nose, not actually believing what I was saying, But still, Simon took the opportunity he was given by my stupid mouth.

"How the hell do you expect me to respect your beliefs when you don't respect mine?" It sounded rehearsed, but still hurt. I didn't mean to be that hostile before. Why the hell can't I just stop talking when shit like that happens?

But I didn't even have a response to that, so I didn't talk. I threw the stupid book on the floor and got into the chest at the end of my bed sobbing. I really hoped he hadn't noticed my tears. But he had.

"Jared, I know you're not mean on the inside. But bring the good you out sometime." His tone still reprimanded me.

I didn't move or say a word.

"Jared, just come out already!"

The words hit me like a ton of bricks. I opened the chest, bawling my eyes out while my brother comforted me in his arms. I showed him the cuts on my wrist and he just took my arm and started kissing them, and we were both crying hysterically.

"I-I'm just so sorry it's just that no one ever listens to me and you were right and I didn't want you to be and I just couldn't help it." I was rambling like a crying buffoon. "I-I … You're right. I have to be nicer. But Mal already hates me and mom probably wants to disown me." I couldn't control myself. I was still crying so Simon brought me over to his bed and we laid there together. I rested my head on his chest. I was so vulnerable and I didn't even care.

He calmly said, "Mom doesn't want to disown you. She's your mother. She loves you." He rubbed his chin on my head while I rested on his chest as if to say 'And I love you too.' He continued. "Mal doesn't hate you either, but she isn't on the best of terms with you now. Just give her time. And respect." He sounded like my therapist.

We were now crying together, hugging, at eye level, and I couldn't stop myself. Our eyes met, and just like that, so did our lips. We kissed the kind of kiss where you know all the feelings are there, but you don't have to totally devour the person to show them you care. I liked it. It was warm and comforting.

"It's about time." He giggled, wiping away the tears from my eyes before kissing me again.

I slowly pulled away to express myself to my brother. "Simon, you're so much better than me. You deserve more …" I'm sure he saw the shame in my eyes.

"Jared, don't ever say that." He smiled and kissed my forehead. "You are my brother. You are my twin. You are my lover. And I'm glad about every bit of that." He kissed me again like I was the most worthy person on earth and it made me shudder as he slid his tongue into my mouth.

'He's being less passive than usual.' I thought to myself. 'Does that mean he really loves me?' He basically read my mind and wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me in closer, making me feel good about myself. And about us. I was so happy that if our lips weren't attached my smile would be from ear to ear.


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