Jasper: OMG! RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!
Alice: What? What's going on I can't see anything ahhhh!!!
Emmett: Who turned the lights off!?!?! I'm SCARED OF THE DARK!
Carlisle: AHHH! HOLD ME ESME I'm SCARED!!!
Edward: You big baby!
Bella: EDWARD! Hold me, I'm terrified!
Edward: OKAY! *holds her tight* Now what the flower is happening!?!?
Emmett: someone turned off all the lights and now I'm scared! I want my banana!!
Carlisle: Who did this to scare poor Emmett so? And me for that matter! ESSMMMEEE
Esme: Fine, I'll hold you…
Alice: I didn't see anyone planning this, so it must be….
Edward: The pack?
Alice: I'm dont know! I couldn't see anyone, remember?!?
Everyone: *LE GASP*
Bella: AHHH! *faints and falls down*
Edward: Bella? Where'd you go? I can't see anything!! Stupid lights!
Emmett: Why don't we just flip the switch?
Esme: But the circuit breakers are out there. What if something's out there waiting for us?
Edward: Like what, velociraptors armed with green goo?
Carlisle: *nods* or the CFGs…
Emmett: Me no likey thish…
Alice: oooooor… *flips on light* we just do this…
Emmett: YAY I CAN SEE! *starts singing* I can see clearly now, the rain has gone…
Edward: Well, that was more than a little weird....
*lots of crashes come from outside*
Everyone: What the flower...?
Emmett: Maybe it's banana. Banana has come back for me!!!
Edward: Yes Emmett, you go check.
Esme: But watch out for the velociraptors.
Emmett: I thought that comment was sarcastic!
Carlisle: Emmett, the CFG's are writing this. They could take anything seriously.
Emmett: You're right! Rosie, come protect me.
Rosalie: Why, so that you can run off with banana and my lingerie? I don't THINK so.
Emmett: Omg!! Good idea Rosie posy! The velociraptors would NEVER throw green goo at someone dressed so sexily. I must find where Rosie hid her underwear!!!
Bella: Edward, I'm still scared.
Edward: HAVE NO FEAR, WHALEBOY IS HERE!! I will save the day, my love, and impress you with my heroic deeds and awesome muscles.
Emmett: *from upstairs* Mine are bigger!
Edward: Who asked you, BananaLoser.
Emmett: *dashing down the stairs* WHAT did you just call me???!!!
Alice: Bananaloser. Or are you deaf as well as gay?
Emmett: It's BananaBOY! I am NOT a loser. I'm just... special.
Esme: *comforting* That's right honey. And there's nothing wrong with being special.
Emmett: Yeah! So you better take that back!!
Edward: Well how are you going to MAKE me?
Emmett: I... will... GO BANANA! BANANABOY HAS RETURNED!!!!!
Bella: Oh boy...
New Skit Plot…I think…?
Voice coming out from the darkness: I HAVE YOU NOW, MY PRETTIES!!! MWAHAHA!!!
Voice: What? How did you know it was me??
Bella: I am your mother. I could hear your voice out of a crowd of a million people-
Nessie: 2 million?
Bella: No, maybe not that many.
Edward: Eh, so I'm meant to fight against my daughter?
Nessie: I am not just your daughter, daddy. I am LOCH NESS LADY!
Bella: But you're still only a child, sweetheart...
Nessie: Shut it, Lamb baby.
New Skit plot
Loch Ness Monster: *walks in the room*
Jacob: AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! EVERYONE RUN FOR THEIR LIVES!!!!!!!!!
LNM: Jake, m'love? Why are you running from me?
Jacob: YOU- YOU- YOU'RE THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!
LNM: *creepy stare* I'm your soulmate and we're supposed to be together forever. I even have naughty dreams about you occasionally...
Jacob: Erm... *gag*
LNM: *continues creepy stare with weird smile* Here. Let me touch your cheek so I can show you all the memories I had of us in my dream. Watch it, though, it gets a bit, heh, *eye twitch* dirrrrty. *eye twitch* *gurgle*
Jacob: Oh my freaking god. Why is your hand all slimey? That's disgusting!
LNM: You love it, don't you.
Jacob: Not really.
LNM: Yes. Yes, you do. You love every minute of it. *touches cheek with slimey hand*
Jacob: *flash of memories*
Bella: *walks in* Oh, Nessie!!! I love you so much! Jacob? Jacob?! Carlisle! Quick, get in here!
Carlisle: *examines Jacob* I think he has gone into a state of shock.
Bella: What caused this?
Carlisle: Usually, it is from a series of disturbing pictures or scenes.
Bella: Hmm, I wonder what happened to him.
LNM: Oh, my poor Jacob. *eye twitch* *eye twitch* *gurgle* *hiccup*
Carlisle: Bella help me move Jacob so the sofa
LNM: I'll help too *drool* *twitch twitch*
Bella: Oh Nessie your so helpfull.
LNM: *freaky twisted smile, drooling*
Carlisle: Jacob *waves hand infront of Jakes face*
Jacob: Huh,ohh I had such a weird dream there wa--
LNM: *freaky twisted smile* *twitches eye* *drool* Jacooobbb *gurgle*
Jacob: What the hell is THAT*points at Nessie*
Bella: What?Jacob its Nessie,
Jacob: THATS THE FRIGGIN LOCH NESS MONESTER
Bella: Now Jacob,you imprited on her
Jacob: Well I must have hit my head becasue I did not imprint on that slimey peice of--
LNM:*twitch* Jake let me touch your cheek *drool,eye twitch*
Jake: wdf?No get away you freak
Bella: Jake, stop being so mean to my precious Nessie
Jake: Dude, Nessie did not always look like that o.O
LNM: *gurgles* Yes I have *drool**gurgle*
Jake: So, you mean to say that time I-
LNM: I love you Jakey *snuggles in close*
Jake: OMFG! THIS WAS MY BEST SHIRT!!
Jacob: I need to get away from this madness for a moment. I have to run.
LNM: Farewell memories? *holding out hand*
Jacob: *shudder* No.
LNM: *creepy stare* All right then. *drool**eye twitch*
Jacob: *shudder and runs out door phasing into a werewolf*
*Now wolf.. and so is Seth*
Jacob: *thinking of memories Nessie showed him*
Seth: Oh my freaking god! What the hell is that?! You are one sick dog.
Jacob: Ugh! Do you think I'd actually think like that? Nessie *shudder* showed them to me.
Seth: What'd you do to her?
Jacob: I don't know... but we need to form a plan to destory her. Mwahaha!
Seth: Mwahaha! Er, I feel stupid.
Jacob: You sound stupid, too. Now, let's plan.
Seth: Great plan! You always have the best ideas.
Jake: Of course I do. I'm the alpha, remember? You are like required to love me.
Seth: Ew man. Visuals.
Bella: Oh Nessie, your new coloring suits you perfectly!
LNM: Really? *eye twitch* I always wondered what I *drool* would look like in green.
Bella: It is SO your color.
Alice: So you know what that means.
LNM: No... *eye twitch*
Alice: We need to go SHOPPING!
Rosalie: Did someone say shopping?!
Alice: Of course!!
Emmett: OOH! I WANT TO COME!
Carlisle: ME TOO!
Rosalie: But only if you PROMISE not to debate the all important issue: Summer or Winter. That is SO last skits thread.
Emmett: *whining* But Rosie!
Alice: No! We are shopping for Nessie and Nessie only!
Alice: Well... almost. I DO need new shoes.
Rosalie: Now you're talking.
Carlisle: I don't want to come anymore.
Emmett: Me neither.
LNM: *eye twitch* Was it something I said?
Bella: Of course not Nessie! Now you have fun with Auntie Alice and Rosalie.
Rosalie: Not so fast Bella.
Alice: Of course you're coming. You don't get out of it THAT easily.
Bella: EDWARD SAVE ME!!!
Alice: *evil smile* Edward can't save you now.
*Bella, Alice, LNM, and Rosalie drive off in the Ferrari*
Jake:Crap! They're getting away!
Seth: So let's follow them.
Jake: Will you leave the brilliant ideas to me?
Seth: Sorry mister most high alpha sir.
Jake: And my idea is... LET'S FOLLOW THEM!
Seth: Glad you thought of it.
Jake: *smug smile*
Edward: need......cocco puffs? :S
Alice: ok, so she's green, so we should buy her.....BLUE!
Rosalie: oh yes anything blue!
Bella: doesnt she have enough?
Alice and Rose: NO!
Bella: ok, god. just sayin.
*with Jake and Seth on some random highway*
Seth: *pant, pant, pant* ohh lookie! its a bird!
Seth: run run run, oh how i love to run
Seth: im gettin kinda hungry
Jake: SETH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! SHUT IT!
Jasper: What? What? What's wrong?
Edward: Stay away from there!!!
Jasper: What are you talking about?
Edward: Trix are for kids, you nosy rabbit.
Jasper: Oh for the love of my love handle.
Edward: You have a love handle?
Jasper: *shifty eyes* No.
Meanwhile... Jacob and Seth finally make it to the mall.
Jacob: Do you see them anywhere?
Seth: Oh. My. God.
Jacob: What is it?
Seth: What? What were you saying?
Jacob: You just said "Oh my god."
Seth: Erm.. no I didn't. Jacob, are you starting to go insane? I think you are.
Jacob: *shakes head* That doesn't matter now. I don't smell vampires in the area. UGH!
Seth: Well maybe that's because this is the East Mall. I thought they were going west when we saw that Ferrari.
Jacob: Bu- you said they were going east.
Seth: No, I said the ice cream truck was and to follow it.
Jacob: You idiot!
*Jacob and Seth start running west*
At the real mall...
Alice: Oh my god, shoes. Shoes. Shoes. Let's get some shoes. These shoes rule. These shoes suck. These shoes rule. These shoes suck. *breaks out dancing*
Rosalie: Oh god.
Bella: What is wrong with her?
Nessie: Well, I touched her.
Rosalie: NESSIE MAKES PEOPLE BREAK OUT IN DANCE!
Everyone in mall: *stops* *gasps* *goes about their day*
Bella: So about lunch...
Seth~: Jake! Bella just said lunch! They're in a mall full of people!
Jake: Seth, don't be stupid! Bella doesn't eat people.
Seth: Oh, sure she doesn't.
Jake: What's that supposed to mean?
Seth: Nothing you don't know.
Alice: OMG! LOOK at those SHOES! They will SO go with my dress for tonight!
Bella: What's going on tonight?
Alice: Oh, nothing.
Bella: Alice, what...?
Alice: Never mind.
Nessie: Hehe... *shows Bella what she thinks that Alice would be doing*
Bella: OMG, Nessie, that is GROSS!
Nessie: ... Heh...
Seth: Never mind. If you don't know, I wont say.
Seth: *dances* Yes, oh high and mighty Alpha dude?
Jake: Come on, we need to get in the mall! Phase, nao!
Jake: ..................... You forgot your clothes again, didn't you..?
Alice: Maybe I'm glad I can't see her...
Bella: You should be!
Alice: Eh- HOLY CROW LOOK A HUGE SALE! *runs into.... Hot Topic*
Nessie: SKINNY JEANS!!! *follows her*
Bella: Heeeeyyyy look at this shirt... It says "Twilight" on it, and there's some guy who looks vaguely like Edward on it.....
Alice: And this one has that dude and some chick who looks like you used to!
Nessie: A Team Jake shirt! I WANT IT! Maybe that will prove my love for my Jakey!
Bella: Hold on a minute, why is there all this stuff......?
Voice: THIS IS ALL A DREAM.
Mysterious Voice (MV): You are all dreaming. You will now leave the store and go to Larry's Pet Emporium and buy a puppy. You will never think of these Twilight-themed fan merchandise again.
Bella: Wh--Wh-- Who are you??
Nessie: Don't be scared Momma. I'll make the nasty man go away.
Alice: Who's doing thi-- OH. *snorts* This is stupid. Buy whatever you want guys.
Rosalie: If you don't tell me what's going on in 3 seconds I swear I'll--
Alice: Chill Rose. It's just some stupid human from Larry's Pet Shop.
MV: Pet EMPORIUM. Not shop, EMPORIUM. Now GO BUY A PUPPY.
Bella: This is a scam to get us to buy a puppy?
Nessie :I WANT A PUPPY!!!
Alice: Nessie, this puppy won't be six feet tall and it won't turn into a guy who gives you whatever you want. This puppy will be NORMAL. It will drool and poop on the floor and lick your face.
Nessie: Well maybe THIS puppy will love me... *sniffs*
Bella: Oh Nessie! Jake still loves you!!!
Rosalie: Are you kidding? That mutt do---
Bella: *vicious glare at Rosalie*
Rosalie: I mean... Jake's just having some family issues right now. It's hard for him. Don't take it personally.
Nessie: What kind of issues?
Bella: He's just got... adult problems. You'll get them when you're older sweetie.
Nessie: He's seeing someone else, isn't he? Just until I'm older, so he can have a life until then? *sobs* Just like he told Quil... That traitor. *more sobbing*
Bella: How do you know he told Quil that?
Nessie: *still crying* It's in the book. Duh. Where do you think these shirts came from?
Alice: THAT'S what millions of teenage girls are obsessing over at this very moment in time?????
Nessie: Yeah. Why do you think I wanted a Team Jacob shirt? He's MINE and they need to know that. YA HEAR ME??!! HE'S MINE!! ALL MINE. MINE MINE MINEY MINE MINE.
Bella, Alice, Rosalie:
Jake: Did you hear that?
Seth: Hear what?
Jake: It sounded like... Nessie.
Seth: It sounded like those obnoxious seagulls from Finding Nemo...
Jake: Seth, be serious.
Seth: Yes mister most high alpha sir man dude.
Jake: And don't call me that.
Seth: Yes mister most hi-- oops. Sorry.
Nessie: Jakey is mine *drool* but he dosn't lurveee me *sob*
Bella: Aww honey *holds Nessie* *pats*
Bella: You know what?Jake was probebly kidding he-
Bella: Honey he was uh--probebly still asleep,yeah you know Kake always falling asleep and-
Rose: Pfft *cough*
Nessie: Realy?Okay *crazy weird smile*
MV: Now that your all happy!Go to Larry Pet Emporium and buy a puppy
Alice: WE DON'T WANT A EFFING PUPPY!SO LEAVE US ALONE!
Bella: Alice not infront of the children
Nessie: But Mummy I heard that before *touches cheek*THAT a run!
Emmett: That was shoot you beep you couldn't run for beep,beep my Grandmother could do better than that beep and shes been dead for over 200 years!
Edward: Yeah hes beepin beep, beep*slams beer cans together*
Emmett: We kick there beeping little beep asses
Edward and Emmett watching the Olympics
Edward: wdf?was that you call
Nessie: You see Mom,I know that hes a beeeeeeep
Rose: Uhhh lets go
Jacob: Okay, I have a plan.
Seth: Great, what is it?
Jacob: We are meeting Aro.
Seth: Wait... Aro like in the Volturi, Aro?
Jacob: How many Aro's do you know?
Seth: Good point.
*Seth and Jacob phase to talk to Aro*
Aro: Hello friends!
Jacob: Aro, m'love.
Seth: o_O Wait, what?
Aro: *shifty eyes* Nothing.
Jacob: Do you have what we need?
Aro: Yes. Yes, I do. *hands jar of dirt*
Seth: That is just a jar of dirt.
Aro: Just a jar of dirt? JUST A JAR OF DIRT?! Does this look like just a jar of dirt?
Aro: Good point.
Seth: *quizical look*
Jacob: So what do we have to do?
Aro: Nessie has to snort this.
Seth: Like a drug?
Aro: No, not like a drug! This is highly dangerous stuff!!! It was designed specifically for people like Nessie!
Jacob: What will happen when she takes this?
Aro: Mwahahaha! Time will tell.
Aro: well... now that i think of it i really don't know what it does...
Jake: well, um, are you sure it's safe for her? I know she's a monster, but she's still young...
Aro: well, a jar of dirt seemed to do wonders for that jack sparrow man, so what's the harm of trying it on nessie?
Jake: o..k... then... well, thanks anyway
*Jake and Seth go back to wolf form*
Seth: dude, how are you going to carry that?
Jacob: i really dont know, any ideas?
Jacob: well, then we're in a pickle!
Seth: what happened to that rope thing that you used for your clothes?
Jacob: it would feel to weird!! i would be like so lobsided!!
Seth: well, then what do we do??
Jacob: Okay, I have an idea.
Seth: Hit me.
Jacob: *punches Seth*
Seth: I didn't mean it like that.
Jacob: Oh, I know. Anyway, you can snort this stuff and then sneeze it in Nessie's face later so she snorts it.
Seth: Wouldn't that mean I would get the side effects?
Jacob: *shifty eyes* No...
Nessie: I WANT A DOG! I WANT A DOG!
Bella: *mutters under breath* I should never have gotten pregnant.
Nessie: LET'S LISTEN TO THE NICE VOICE AND GET A PUPPY!!!!!! I WANT A PUPPY!
Rosalie: *takes out ear plugs* Why don't we just listen to her and go to the pet store. I can't take this screaming anymore.
Voice: Very good. Go to the pet store. The pet store. The pet store.
Alice: Shut up. Okay, let's go.
*at the pet shop*
Nessie: Ooh! So many puppies to pick from!
Rosalie: Ooh! Look at the fluffy kitty!
Alice: I didn't know you liked kitties Rose.
Rosalie: I don't. But Emmett would LOVE that cat! And our anniversary is tomorrow... that idiot better remember.
Alice: *cough* Yeah, he will... *shifty eyes*
Rosalie: Good. Now I want that cat. *goes to pick up cat*
*fluffy kitty runs away from Rosalie*
Rosalie: It doesn't like me!!
Pet Shop Owner (Jerry): Of course not. You smell like dog.
Rosalie: I'm going to get that mutt if it's the last thing I do.
Nessie: Noooo! Don't hurt my Jakey! He's mine! MINE MINE MINE!
Bella: Honey, how about we get you a NEW puppy. Then Rose can have Jakey and everyone will be okay...
Nessie: *wailing* BUT I WANT JAKEY!!!
Seth: Did you hear that?
Jake: It sounded like...Nessie. *grimaces*
Seth: Yeah. So... maybe she's like dying or something, and we don't need to have me snort the dirt...
Jake: Nice try kid. Now snort the dirt.
Seth: Crap. *snorts dirt*
Jake: How do you feel?
Seth: I... feel...
Jerry: Yes young child, you want the puppy.
LNM: *shifty eyes* yes, yes i do.
Bella:*whispers to Alice* Do you really think that a "pet" in a house full of vampires that drink "animal" blood is the best idea?
Alice: *stomps foot on the ground!!*I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING!! THE PUPPY IS TOO CLOSE TO RENESMEE!!!
Meanwhile with Jake and Seth
Seth: Alpha Sir Dude...
Jake: *glares evily* Y-y-es Seth??
Seth: Well, my nose....it, it burns!!! *starts crying like a baby*
Jake: Are you going to act like a baby at a time like this?!?!?
Seth: *sniff sniff* W-w-well, i-i don't know...
Jake: Pull yoursels together!! *slaps him with a twig*
Jake: I need to get Renesmee's mind out of the gutter man, and if this dirt that Aro Smith sent will help then we are going to snort it until she's my cute little Renesmee again. Not this creepy little green freaky-eye-twich-evil- laugh-obsessive-drooling-dirty-pictures-of-us Renesmee!!!
Nessie: MOMMA I WANT THE PUPPY NOW!!!
Jerry: Yes yes, you want the puppy now.
Nessie: Shut up. You're creepy.
Jerry: *muttering* Well look who's talking greenie...
Bella: What did you just call my baby??!!
Alice: I believe he said Greenie.
Bella: That's what I thought.
Rosalie: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Jerry: That forgiveness is divine?
Bella: Dammit! Why does everyone tell me that??!! (heh. Remember when Charlie said that?)
Rosalie: Well I'M telling you that forgiveness is for squares.
Bella: I knew there was a reason I liked you.
Nessie: I STILL WANT A PUPPY!!!!!!!
Alice: I'll buy you a puppy if you shut up.
Nessie: Shut upping!
*Seth is still snorting dirt*
Jake: Faster! Snort faster!!
Seth: *groaning* I don't think I can take any more...
Seth: I'm going to-- to--
Jake: You're going to keep snorting.
Seth: --sneeze. ATCHOO!!!!
*Seth sneezes all over Jake*
Jake: Good going imbecile. You got the special dirt all over me!!
Seth: Sorry Mister Most High Al-- sorry.
Jake: And there's none left in the jar! Stupid stupid newb.
Seth: Sorry Mist--
Jake: *groans* Well I guess I'll just have to... rub it on Nessie or something.
Seth: Okay! Let's go!
Jake: I feel weird. What will this dirt do to a normal person?
Seth: *cough* Normal?
Jake: Yes Seth. Normal.
Seth: If you insist...
Bella:WHERE IS THAT CRAZY EVIL MAN THAT KEEPS INSULTING MY DAUGHTER!?!?!
Alice:Well....Give me a minute...*starts thinking*
Nessie:How long do i have to keep this shutting up thing going??
Rosalie:Well sweetie, as long as it takes to get that puppy, okay?
Nessie:*shakes head violently* Okay!!
Bella: Creepy little man....Creepy little man....Come out, come out wherever you are...
*Meanwhile Jacob starts sparkling*
Seth: Sir dude, your all sparkly!!
Seth: Your like glittering!
Jacob: What did you do to me, newb?
Seth: I-I-I didn't do anything!! *doubles over laughing*
*Aro Smith is hiding in the bushes and starts laughing, histerically*
Aro:*talking to himself* Ha ha ha. I wasn't too sure about doing anything nice, but-but this is sooo funny!!! Ha ha ha. I should do something nice for these people more often.
Jacob:Why?? Why is this happening to me?!? *looking at his sparkly self*
Seth: I don't know, but if Renesmee was attracted to you before...Just imagine how she's going to be now!!!!
*remember's how her favorite toy is the sparkly necklace that Aro gave Bella as a wedding present* *starts laughing harder*
Jacob:*now in wolfie form-can hear seth's memories and groans inside p.s. he's a sparkly wolf *Mannnnnn!!!!!!!
*Back in the pet store* CV=Creepy Voice
Nessie:I've been quiet for a REAL long time now!!!
Alice:*gives her a glare*
Bella:*goes and looks in the storage room and finds the creepy guy voice man*There you are...
CV: No, no i'm not...*puts hands over his face, and rocks back and forth* If i can't see her, then she can't see me, if i can't see her, then she can't see me...
Bella: Oh yes, creepy man, i can see you....
Jasper and Edward
Edward:*my Bella's-in-trouble-senses are tingling...
Jasper: Oh no!!! Shall we cry?!?!
Edward: Whale boy and knifiey man(from the old skits) do not cry!!!
Jasper: Well then my dear brother, what shall we do?
Edward: *shrugs his shoulders* Well, besides try and take over the world.....*points finger in the air dramatically* By knifiey man i think i've got it!!
Jasper/Knifiey Man: What???!
*Emmett starts running down the stairs and Jasper and Edward turn to stare*
Emmett: *who is wearing a aquamarine lingerie set-of Rosalie's of course* What did i miss?!?!?
Edward and Jasper: *rubbing their eyes* My eyes burn!!!
Emmett:What is this not my color???
Jasper: DUDE! Stop!
Emmett: stop wat?
Edward: Theres no time jasper! Bella needs me!
Emmett: Time for what? I don't understand?
Jasper: well emmett you see when you wear things like that it kinda makes my want to burn my eyes out of my skull
*Emmett starts sobbing*
Edward: Jasper! Wat he means emmett is…maybe…oh forget im outta here. *runs to mall leaving jasper and emmett*
*back at the mall*
Nessie: hey rose wats that in your bag?
Rose: *does the shifty eye thing* wat do you mean?
Nessie: The red and black bag inside your hand bag
Rose: *stashes bag deeper inside hand bag* uhm well
Nessie: *grabs hot topics bag* OMG! You got a team Edward shirt!
*Alice and Nessie gasp!*
Rose-well well….uhm….*starts to cry tearless sobs* ITS TRUE! I've joined team Edward! Im so ashamed!Dont tell bella please!
*Skit girls walking threw the mall*
Twi: Lets check out hot topics maybe they have new twilight stuff
Talia: Yeah! I could get something for my rubber chicken
Talia: WAT?!*pulls out picture of RC*
*RC in picture *
Shannie: I wish they had a team emmett shirt…
Winnie: I think im in the mood for a puppy im going to check out the pet store
Everyone: What the…..
CV: gosh everyone just calls it store I specifically made it emporium for a reason…
Bella: shut up!*growls*
CV: *squeals* sorry
Bella: Now…why don't you tell me what you think of my daughter…
*Edwards runs into the pet emporium and heads for the closet missing half the conversation, listens outside the door*
CV: …fantastic, beautiful, amazing, breath taking, I've never felt this way before about anyone's small slimy…hey! that doesn't go there! OUCH!
Bella: HOLD STILL! This will hurt and ill enjoy it! Muahahaha
CV; hey! That doesn't twist like that!
Jake: You made me sparkly??!!
Aro Smith: Uh... yeah.
Jake: But now Nessie will love me even MORE! IT'LL BE CREEPY!!!
Aro Smith: Well there IS a way to undo the magic...
Jake: WHAT. TELL ME HOW. NOW!!!!!!!!!
Seth: SOMEbody needs to take a chill pill.
Jake: I. DO. NOT. NEED. TO. CHILL.
Aro Smith: Ahahaha this is hilarious! Loyal AND entertaining!!
Seth: Don't tell me you still want guard dogs. *growls*
Aro Smith: I'll give you boys a choice. You come and serve ME as guard dogs, and I'll make a potion that will make Nessie normal again and Jake not sparkly.
Seth: *vicious growling*
Jake: But... not sparkly...
*cue ominous music*
Alice: Oh we're telling Bella all right. BEL---
*Rosalie gags Alice*
Rosalie: No! I can't let you betray my secret!
Alice: eh he ouwwa hih!
Rosalie: YOU SHALL NEVER ESCAPE!!!
Rosalie: What are YOU looking at?!
Rosalie: *hissing* Get lost!
Nessie: *singing tauntingly* I got the Edward shirt! *waves Rosalie's shirt in the air*
RB: ...*slinks quietly away*
Emmett: I...burn your eyes?
Jasper: Yes Emmett. Those things may look sexy on Rose, but I'm afraid they're not meant for us guys.
Emmett: But... I want to look sexy like my Rosie Posie.
Jasper: *manly voice* Emmett, I am going to take you shopping, man-to-man. We'll find you some clothes that are sexy AND manly.
Jasper: But don't ever do that again.
Jasper: It's okay.
Jasper: Shut up.
*Jasper and Emmett leave to go...ahem...underwear shopping*
Edward: *muttering to himself* This is bad, very very bad. Whaleboy needs backup... *pulls out walkie talkie* Whaleboy to Emo Man, Whaleboy to Emo Man, come in Emo Man.
Jasper:*from walkie talkie* This is Emo Man. What is it Whaleboy?
Edward: Whaleboy requesting backup from Emo Man and Bananaboy.
Jasper: Request denied. Emo Man and Bananaboy engaged in matters of national security.
Jasper: No, this is more important.
Edward: A matter of...?
Jasper: Saving our eyeballs from the unsightly sight of Emmett in Rose's underwear.
Edward: Le gasp! You've found a way to cure him?
Jasper: Affirmative. Try calling Sith Lady and Model Girl for backup.
Edward: Can do. Over and out.
Jasper: Over and out.
*Edward walks towards Alice and rose not paying much attention pats nessie on the head*
*back in the closet*
Bella: Now your lucky my husband isn't here or else he would freak!
CV guy- Well looks like you freaked out enough for the both of...*Bella give him evil eye 0.o*
I mean can i interest u in a puppy?
Bella- well nessie did want one...
CV-well if u untied me and took my shoes off my head than i could help you
*Bella unties CV*
Bella-i think you can walk around with shoes on your head it might make nessie laugh
*they walk out of the closet, Bella see Edward*
*In Calvin K. *
Emmett: what about these! *Holds up man thong*
Jasper-AH MY EYES!
Emmett-im not even wearing them!
Jasper- Mentals Em, mentals.
Emmett: I give up....
Jasper: Here is something...
At Calvin Klein's:
Emmett: *looks at the underwear that Jazz hands him* WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
Jasper: *speaks very slowly and carefully as if he was talking to a little child* that is something that is usually called underwear.
Emmett: But... there is no lace on it.
Jasper: Uhm, Em, we wanted to buy sexy, manly underwear...
Emmett: But lace IS sexy!
JAsper: *facepalm* but not MANLY!
Emmett: but... *sniff* but... *sniff* I WANT LACE!!!!! *bursts out into tears* I WANNA WEAR SEXY LACE UNDERWEAR!
Jasper: I think this will take some time...
at the pet shop [MV: ...EMPIRE!!!!]
Bella: EDWARD! *runs to Edward and huggles him* You must help me! this creepy man was very mean!
Edward: get away from me! HOW DO YOU DARE???
Bella: but... what did I do? don't you love me anymore??? *bursts out into tears*
Edward and Bella: *start to fight*
CV: *mutters* hihi... first marriage crisis... *tries to steal away* *makes a false step* *shoes fall of his head and make a loud noise* *shouts out loud* AWKWARD DAMMIT!!!!
Edward and Bella: *turn toward him* THIS is ALL YOUR FAULT!
Edward and Bella:
Random Bystander: *comes from behind them* *taps Bella's shoulder* *whispers in her ear*
Bella: NO SHE HASN'T!!!! *turns to Edward* would you mind taking care of him alone? I have to settle a matter.
Edward: oh, no, just do what you have to do, honey.
Bella: you're the best! *kisses him* see you! *walks away*
Random Bystander: *Rubs hands* this will be interesting... bwahahahaha!!!
Edward: JANE??? what the hell are you doing here?
Jane: oh sh*t...
Jasper: Emmett, let me make one thing abundantly clear to you. Are you listening?
Emmett: *preoccupied* M-hm.
Jasper: Lace. Is. Not. Manly.
Jasper: It has never be manly.
Jasper: It never will be manly.
Jasper: *realizing that Emmett isn't listening* And always remember that beetle flavored cupcakes make the best anniversary gifts.
Jasper: Good, I have your attention. Now I have to say, LACE ISN'T MANLY YOU CREEPY GAY PERVERT!!
Emmett: No, that's not important. What did you say about anniversaries?
Jasper: It was nonsense. I was just trying to get your attention.
Emmett: OMG! I can't believe I almost forgot Rosie Posie and my anniversary is tomorrow!!!
Jasper: Good going retard. She's going to hate you if you don't get her a present.
Emmett: You're right! TO HONEYDUKE'S!!! (the candyshop from Harry Potter...with all the weirdo flavored candies and stuff... for beetle flavored cupcakes.)
Jasper: *slaps forehead* Now I have to save our eyes and our noses? His breath will stink for WEEKS if he eats those!! *grumbles* Me and my big mouth...
Nessie: I got the Edward shirt!!
Rosalie: That's MINE!!!
Nessie: Well YOU CAN'T HAVE IT.
Rosalie: *groans* But that was my anniversary present for Emmett!!
Nessie: EMMETT wants a team Edward shirt?
Rosalie: Well if it'll get him to stop wearing my underwear...
Nessie: Good point. But I still want a puppy.
Rosalie: I'll get you a puppy if you give me the shirt.
Nessie: Puppy first.
Rosalie: Shirt first.
Nessie: Alice said she'd get me a puppy if I shutted up, but that didn't happen. THIS time I want the puppy FIRST.
Rosalie: Stupid slimy lake monster...
At the Petshop with Edward and Jane
Edward: What the heck are you doing here???
Jane: Uhm... *shifty eyes* shopping? *sheepish expression*
Edward: In a pet shop?
CV: ...EMPIRE!!! *tries to steal away again*
Jane: Uhm... yes?... *ponders* Aro wanted me to get some collars for his new guard dogs!
Edward: *reads mind* *taps foot* Jane...I know that you're lying...
Jane: Oh crap. *Kicks storage rack* *storage rack breaks and falls on CV*
CV:*screams* HELP ME!!!! OH MY GOD, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS ANYMORE!!!!
Edward: *looks at MV* *shrugs* At least you can't get away now.
Jane: *sniff* why is it always me??? *bursts out into tears* EVERYTIME I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH MY EVIL PLANS SOMEONE GETS IN MY WAY!!!! *rolls on the floor*
Edward: *Looks at Jane and sees slight similarities in behavior to another person...* Oh Jane, dear, we will work this out. *hugs Jane and pats her shoulder* everything will be fine.
Jane:*stops crying* really? *sniff*
Edward: Of course. I'll help you!
Jane: *Behind Edward's back* Excellent!
At the dog area of the pet shop
Rosalie: *sigh* Okay, Nessie, which one do you want?
Nessie: *looks at the puppies* this one... or... this one?... or this?... hm... I can't decide... they're all so lovely...
Rosalie: this is almost worse than going shopping with Emmett...
Edward: So what's the plan?
Jane: Well... *whispers evil plan to Edward*
Edward: You want to do WHAT?
Jane: You heard me. Now are you in or not?
Edward: I'm in, but MAN is that evil.
Jane: *angelic smile* That's what they call me!
*In Honeydukes, which is magically in the mall, not in Hogsmeade*
Jasper: Why am I here, why am I here, why am I here with this idiot?!
Emmett: Ooh! Blood flavored lollipops! Jazzy, do you want one?
Jasper: Emmett, my name is not Jazzy. It's Jasper. JAS-PER.
Emmett: Whatever Jazzy. Do you want a lolli or not?
Jasper: No Emmett, I do not want a lolli. Now let's go home.
Emmett: No! Not until I find the beetle-flavored cupcakes for Rosie Posie!!!
Jasper: Emmett, that was a JOKE. Girls do NOT like beetle-flavored cupcakes!!
Emmett: Uh huh. You just want them all to yourself, so that Alice will love you and I'll look like an idiot!!
Jasper: Emmett, you already look like an idiot.
Emmett: No I don't! Esme says I'm just special!
Jasper: HOLY CRAP WHAT'S THAT?!
Emmett: You don't know what special means?
Jasper: No you idiot. THAT. *spins Emmett around*
Emmett: HOLY CRAP WHAT'S THAT?!
Jasper: *slaps forehead* That's what I just asked you!
Emmett: But what is it?!
Jasper: It looks like a... giant bunny rabbit!
Jasper: And... is that EDWARD pushing the bunny around?!
Emmett: Looks like it. OOH. Do you think he'll want a lolli?
Jasper: Emmett, forget the lolli. We need to figure out what's going on.
Emmett: *pouts* You're no fun.
Edward:*whispering to the bunny* Are you SURE you want to do this?
Jane:*from inside the bunny* Of course.
Edward: Where do you want me to leave you.
Jane: Right outside the factory.
Edward: Remind me again why you're in a giant bunny.
Jane: *sighs* It's a TROJAN bunny! The factory people will accept your peace offering and take the bunny inside, and then close the store, and when night comes, I'll jump out and complete my evil plan!
Edward: But why is it a bunny?
Jane: BECAUSE BUNNIES ARE FLUFFY!
Edward: It's wooden.
Jane: Shut up.
Edward: And why aren't you just using your vampy powers to bust through the wall and take what you need?
Jane: Because this is WAY cooler.
Edward: *mutters* You're worse than Emmett...
Bella: *gets to the place were she thought Rosalie would be* *looks around* Goddamned sh*t! where is this B*tch???
Alice: *still gagged* hm!!! hmhmHMhmhm-hm!
Bella: *finds Alice* what did you say?
Alice: hm-hm!!! hmhmHMhmhm-hm!
Bella: I didn't get it. can you repeat what you just said?
Alice: *evil glare*
Bella: okay, okay. *removes gag*
Alice: *jumps around and waggles with her arms* Bella!!! Rosalie joined Team E-
Bella: *interrupts her* *sigh* I know. your so NOT up-to-date! Now tell me: where is this B*tch????
Alice: I dunno!
Bella: why don't you know??? use your gift or I'll make you do it!
Alice: *frustrated expression* I can't. Nessie's with her.
Bella: WHAT THE HECK??? MY DAUGHTER THE TRAITOR JOINED THAT beep-beep beep[i]ish beep[/i]????
Alice: yes she did!
Bella: *taps foot* this was a rhetorical question. so... will you help me beat up that B*tch?
Alice: Of course! that §$%"§ gagged me! NO ONE GAGS SITH LORD ALICE!!!!!
Alice and Bella: *look for Rosalie and Nessie and find Aro Smith, Seth and Jake*
Aro Smith: Yes Jacob... I can make you not sparkly... JOIN USSSS!!!!
Bella: JACOB???? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU???
Jake: *gaze* Not...sparkly?
Alice: *glares evily at Aro Smith* THIS IS MY LINE!!! *clouts him*
Aro Smith: OUW! *tries to run away*
Alice: *chases Aro Smith and continious clouting him*
Aro: OUW! OUW! OUW!...
Bella: *waggles her hand in front of Jacob's face*
jake: *gaze* Not...sparkly?
Bella: *to Seth* what happened to him?
Seth: *sigh* We wanted to turn Nessie back to normal and asked Aro for help and he gave us a can of dirt and somehow we got the dirt on Jacob and the dirt made him sparkly and Aro offered to make him not sparkly and Aro has an stupid last name.
Bella: Eh? *confused expression*
--after some further explanations--
Bella: okay... I think I got it now.
Seth: *relieved sigh* Finally!
Jake: *gaze* Not...sparkly?
Bella: But what the heck has Aro's last name to do with it?
Seth: uhm... nevermind...
Bella: *lightbulb* Alice... I have an idea...
ALice: *while clouting Aro Smith* *watchs future* excellent! It'll work I guess!
Aro Smith: Ouw! Ouw! Ouw!
Bella: excellent! but you must do something for me, Alice!
Alice: *still clouting Aro* What?
Bella: We need the Sith Lord! Remember how we convince Emmett everytime he doesn't want what we want him to do?
Seth: *confused* what do you want to do?
Bella: You'll see.
Alice: *stops cluoting Aro*
Aro Smith: *relieved sigh*
Alice: *knocks Aro out*
Seth: I iked that part of the plan!
Alice: *in Sith-Lord-voice* JOIN USSSSS!!!! WE HAVE COOKIES!!!!
Jake: COOKIES??? YUMMY!!! xD
Alice: *in Sith-Lord-voice* GO AND HELP US TO BEAT UP ROSALIE!!! THEN YOU'LL GET yOUR NESSIE BACK TO NORMAL!!!
Jake: and the cookies?
Bella: *sigh* of course you'tll also get your Cookies.
Jake: YAY!!! xD *catches Nessie's and Rose's scent and follows it*
Bella and Alice: EXCELLENT!!! *follow him*
Seth: *shrugs* *follows them*
Aro Smith: *wakes up* what did I do? how did I get here? *holds his head* OMG... It feels as if I'm having the hugest hangover ever... Ouw! maybe I sniffed to much sparkly dirt... or was it green liquid..? *walks away mumbling*
*back at pet store*
*Back at the pet EMPORIUM*
Rose: can you just pick one already!!!
Nessie:I want them all!
Rose:*facepalm* Nessie look you green gooy….*see's nessie start to cry*
Rose: Fine…u can have them all..BUT*evil grin* you first have to ask your Mom muahahahahaha!
Rose: oh never mind…you cant have them all just pick ONE!*mumbles*try to be evil and no one gets u geez…
CV/Pet guy:So little…uhm…girl?O.o which one is it going to be?
Nessie: you kno I don't think I want a puppy anymore. Lets go to the candy shop!
Rose: wow..you and Emmett should really hang out more…
*walk to candy store Honeydukes*
Nessie: LOOK! HONEYDUKES! I hear they have beetle flavored cup cakes with green go filling!
*nessie drags rose inside and see Emmett and jasper staring at something. They come up behind them*
Nessie & Rose: BOOOO!
* Emmett and Jasper scream like little girls, Emmett jumps into jaspers arms*
Emmett: ROSY POSY!!!!!
Jasper:*sigh* thanks for scaring us you guys…Get off me Emmett!
*Emmett jumps off jasper. rose and Emmett start making out*
Nessie & Jasper: ewww…
Nessie: What where you guys staring at?
*Back to Jake and the gang, jake is in the mall and everyone is following him, Aro Smith is lurking in the shadows*
Jake: I can smell her, you really should tell her to shower…eww vampires are weird.
Alice: , hurry up, the sooner u find her, the sooner you will be sparkly no more! Muahahahahahah!
Seth: Hey do u think I could get his cookies now Bells?
Jake: SHUT UP! I found them! And those are MY cookies seth *gives evil eye *
They're right there in that candy shop, looks like they're ALL in there….
Jacob: So... here the Track ends. My cookies, please..? *stretches out hand towards Bella*
Bella: Just a moment. I have them here... in... my... handbag *digs into her handbag*
Bella: wait... I... have... them... here! *pulls out cookies in a very sparkly wrapping* *hands them to Jake* Here you are!
Jacob: *looks at cookies*
Seth: *pokes him* hey dude! don't you want to share with your pack?
Jacob: *looks at cookies*
Seth: Dude? *waggles hand in front of Jake's face*
Jacob: *soundlessly* This package of cookie reminds me of something...
Seth: o.O what the heck..?
Jacob: I'M STILL SPARKLY!!!!! *bursts out into tears*
Bella: *watches Jake for a while* Uhm... whatever. I'll take care of my sister-in-law and her traitorous niece now... Come, Alice!
Alice: *salutes* YES SIR!
Bella and Alice: *look for Rose and Nessie**find Emmett and Jasper*
Emmett: *kneeling on the floor begging Jasper* But Jazz! Please, PLEASE give it too me! You can't do that to me! I'm your brother!
Jasper: *holds a package of beetleflavored cupcakes with green filling up in the air so that emmett can't get them* Em, there are some things that a man HAS to do. like saving you from the biggest disgrace in your life!
Emmett: but it's the last package!
Jasper: For luck!
Bella and Alice:
Alice: what the hell are you doing here?
Emmett: *notices Alice* *evil glare at Jasper* NOW YOU HAVE ALL THE CUPCAKES AND ALICE WILL LOVE YOU AND MY SWEET ROSIE POSIE WILL HATE ME!
Jasper: oh, Em. get. it. women don't want beetle-flavored cupcakes with strange green fillings!
Emmett: They do! *jumps up so fast that Jazz can't take the cupcakes away* *takes the cupcakes and shows them to Bella and Alice* Look! Isn't this the best aniversary gift ever?
Alice and Bella: *suspect**gaze into the box* UGH!
Bella: this is disgusting! Emmett, please don't do that to Rosalie! *lightbulb* but on the other hand...
Alice: AWESOME! *shifty eyes*
Bella: *smooth-tongued* Oh Emmett! This is the best gift ever! I wish I got something like that from Edward... you MUST give it to Rosalie!
Emmett: *triumphant expression* See, Jazzie? I was right!
Jasper: *confused* what the heck?
Nessie and Rose: *come around the corner*
Rosalie: No Nessie, you can't have a puppy... why do you have to change your mind all the time?
Nessie: BUT I WANT ONE! *stamps her foot*
Bella: *notices them* oh Nessie, honey! I was so worried! *hugs Nessie*
Bella: and Rose! My beloved sister! *hugs Rosalie*
Seth: *coming from behind, carries Jacob, who is still sobbing* and what are we foing to do with him??? *lets Jacob drop*
Nessie: JAKEY!!!! *huggles and kisses Jacob*
*cloud of smoke*
Nessie is not longer the Loch Ness Monster, Jacob is not longer sparkly.
Cute little kitty: *Poofs in* YAY!!! HAPPY END FOR EVERYONE!!!!
Happy end really for everyone?
Edward: *still pushing th wooden rabbit* How far is it to you godamn factory?
Jane: Uhm... to be honest I don't know... the batteries of my GPS are empty... *sheepish grin*
Edward: *evil glare* JANE!!!!!
The day after in Rosalie and Emmett's bedroom...
Emmett: Here my love! my anniversary gift! *hands Rosalie a huge present that is covered with sparkling wrapping paper and a giant loop*
Rosalie: Oh Emmett! thank you so much! *opens present* *evil* EMMETT...
Emmett: What's wrong, Rosie Posie..?
New Skit Plot
*In Rosalie and Emmett's bedroom*
Emmett: So do you like them? *hopeful face*
Rosalie: Emmett, I don't really know how to say this...
Emmett: Just spit it out. Do you like them, or do you LOVE them?!
Rosalie: Um Emmett... I can't eat. So I'll never taste them. Sorry. *mutters to herself* Phew. Good excuse Rose.
Emmett: But... Jazzy said girls LOVE beetle flavored cupcakes.
Rosalie: JASPER said that?
Emmett: Yep. *proudly* And then he tried to steal them from me, to give to Alice, but I was too fast for him.
Rosalie: Excuse me a moment Emmett...
Bella: *playing with Nessie* Nessie, you're so cute!
Nessie: Thanks momma.
Jake: I think you're cute too.
Nessie: Thanks Jakey!
Bella: *glares at Jake*
Jake: *smirks at Bella*
*Rosalie comes running downstairs*
Rosalie: JASPER WHITLOCK HALE CULLEN!
Rosalie: I WILL KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Suddenly, the electricity goes out. Everything is pitch black, despite the fact that it is the middle of the day. And even though vampires can see in the dark, nobody seems to be able to figure that out.*
Voice 1: Omg! The lights are out!
Voice 2: Momma, I'm scared.
Voice 3: Don't worry, sexy Jakey's got you.
Voice 2: What?
Voice 3: Nothing honey.
Voice 4: *earsplitting scream*
*Suddenly, the electricity flickers back on. A quick head count reveals that Jasper is missing. DUN DUN DUN DUN*
Alice: Where's Jasper?
Bella: I don't know.
Alice: Rose, where'd you put him!?
Rosalie: I didn't take him!
Alice: *impatiently* Of course you did. You said you were going to "keeeeeeeeel" him, which doesn't really make sense, because you can't keel haul someone if you're not on a boat, but I'm assuming you meant "kill", in which case YOU TOOK MY YOUNG JASPER.
Rosalie: I swear, I didn't take him!
Alice: DO NOT MESS WITH SITH LORD ALICE. NOW GIVE ME MY HUSBAND!!!!
Rosalie: I didn't take your stupid husband!
Alice: If you didn't, who did?
Rosalie: I don't know.
Emmett: *comes crashing down the stairs* IT'S A MURDER MYSTERY!! OOH OOH LET ME SOLVE IT!!!!!
Rosalie: Nobody murdered anyone.
Emmett: But that's always a possibility in a case such as this. Besides, I WANT TO BE A DETECTIVE!!!!
MV2: If you ever want to see your beloved Jasper again,
MV3: Gosh. I can't believe I'm going along with this.
MV2: Iah! Just say your lines or I'll have Bellona do it!
MV3: Like she'd remember them. She's just in this for the evil laughing.
MV2: That's beside the point. Now say your line!!!!
MV3: *exasperated sigh* Fine. ...you must concede to our demands....
MV2: Bellona! Shut up!!!
*there is the sound of someone being hit*
MV1: Owwwwww. Stop it Medea!
MV2: Fool! You have revealed our secret identities!!!
MV3: I think our "secret identities" were toast the minute you said Iah.
MV2: Shut up. Like you could do any better.
Bella: Okay, would you get to the point?
Emmett: *yawns widely*
Alice: Why are you yawning?
Emmett: Cuz we've been standing here for like, 3 days, doing abosolutely nothing because none of those dang skit girls would post.
Alice: ... I was talking about the physical impossibility of vampires needing to yawn, but whatever works...
Bella: Well, he is right. I wish SOMEONE would post... I'm geting tired of just standing here....
Alice: AGAIN! Physically impossible!!! GOODNESS
Rosalie: *pokes self in the eye* Is this physically impossible? ... OW FLOWER THAT ACTUALLY HURT...
Alice: YES... well, not really, but STILL! CEASE THE IMPOSSIBLENESS
Jake: *grins evilly* Oh Nessie......
Nessie: Si, my luverly wolfboy?
Jake: Are vampires ticklish..?
Nessie: Yes... why...?
Jake: *grins more...*
*Behind a wall (You decide where you want it)*
Iah: I might, but I don't want to find out, especially if I'm stuck with you two.
Medea: That is a direct insult to your leader! And you shall be punished for that!
Bellona: Oho. Someone's going to get hurt!
*Medea turns around and glares at Bellona*
Bellona: Err, I'll be quiet now, I think.
*Medea turns back to Iah*
Medea: I'm your leader remember you own me your respect and loyalty! And since you have disrespected me you will be punished! … After we are finished here.
*They walk out from behind the wall to face the Cullen's*
Medea: *Wickedly* Hello, Cullen's.
Bella: Umm, Hello?
Medea: As we were saying if you ever want to see your beloved Jasper you have to do what we say, when we say, understood.
Rosalie: I will not obey some weak worthless humans!
Alice: Rose! Shut Up! I want my Husband back!
Rosalie: Let them have him, because if I get my hands on him you're going to be a widow!
Alice: You lay one figure on him, and you'll face the wrath of Sith Lord Alice!
Carlisle: Be quiet!
Alice & Rosalie: NEVER!
Bella: Will you two just shut it! God! Alice what are they going to say.
*Alice closes eyes and concentrates. A frown comes onto her face*
Jake: What did you see?
Everyone: (minus the trio) WHAT!?!?
Alice: You heard me! I SEE nothing!
Alice: I don't know, but I don't like it.
Jake: *Motions Cullen's to huddle, then quietly* We should get them.
Alice: Are you crazy! They'll hurt Jasper.
Jake: That's a risk we're going to have to take.
Bella: *Motherly tone* Nessie.
Jake: So we attack, or we attack.
Carlisle: I for once agree. They seem too dangerous to be left free.
Jake: Here's what were going to do.
*At the other end of the room*
Iah: What do you think their talking about?
Bellona: I don't know.... Maybe they'll invite use to dinner! *Medea hits Bellona on the back of her head, while Iah slaps his forehead*
Iah: Yeah right, and I'm King Henry the 8th.
Bellona: You wish!
Medea: Stop it!
*Iah and Bellona stop*
Medea: Whatever they are planning is not good, I can sense it.
Iah: Sometimes I wonder what you are.
Medea: So do I, so do I.
Bellona: Maybe she's an evil spirit! … *receives death glare from Medea*… Never mind.
Iah: So what do we do?
Medea: You still have my vials?
Iah: Yes… why?
Bellona: So we can drink them obviously!
Medea: No you airhead! So that if they show any signs of attack, we can throw at them and stop them!
Iah: You don't get it do you?
Bellona: Yeah, it's just that it's so complicated!
Iah: No, it's not.
Medea: Let me make this simple, if they start coming at you, you throw it at them. Understand?
Medea: Good, now get them out Iah we're going to need them soon.
*Iah pulls out small vials containing different shades of red liquid, and passes them out to Medea, Bellona, and keeps some for himself. … On the Cullen side…*
Alice: Are we ready.
Cullen's and Jake: Yes.
Bella: Then let's go. *Cullen's and Jake break group*
Medea: You're Answer?
Rosalie: No. *Cullen's start walking towards the trio*
Medea: Very well then. …Now! *Throws Vials. Bellona and Iah follow the lead. The Vials break against the bodies of the Cullen's and Jake, and they are soaked in red liquid*
Rosalie, Alice and Nessie: My Hair!
Jake and Emmett: My Clothes!
Bellona and Iah: Medea I don't think its working!
Medea: Wait for it… *Smoke starts to wrap around the Cullen's, until they disappear from view. Strange noises can be heard from the smoke. As the smoke starts to clear 4 Cows and 4 chickens stand instead of the Cullen's and Jake.*
Bellona: They turned into animals! Ha-ha *Falls to floor*
Medea: Of course they did.
Iah: Ugh! Animals, I hate farm animals!
Medea: I suggest we go; I don't want to be here when they are found. Besides we must attend to our dearest guest.
Bellona: And who would that be?
Iah: I'm guessing Jasper.
Medea: Correct, Iah! Now let's go!
The three start to walk away, bellona looks back over her shoulder..
bellona in her head:wow thats a nice looking chicken...i wonder if its a boy cullen or a girl cullen...wow its totally giving me the eyes tho i better give it a wink yeah that'll do it..
*out loud*he he he
Medea:wat are you he he ing about?
Bellona: nothing! lets go get juniper yeah?
Medea: -.- juniper...
Bellona:DUH juniper cullen come on you didnt think i woud forget him already.
iah:buahahahahahahaha Medea ur face! is priceless! ROFL
*Bellona goes off in her head*
Medea:*gets in bellonas face*HIS NAME IS JASPER!!!!!!!
* medea walks away.*
Iah:your great kid
Bellona:what i do?
*back with the cullen/animals*
EmmettChicken:Hey...cluck...i think that bellona chick was looking at me....cluck...get it CHICK! cluck CUZ where chickens! ahahaha
Everyone: -.- no emmet mooo, cluck
BellaCow:Moo...emmet shut it! we dont have time for jokes...moo.... now who is a chicken and who is a cow...mooo
JaconChiken: -.- im a chicken cluck....-.-
NessieCow:moo...im a cow...mooo..oh jaky poo hold me!...mooo*runs towards jakechicken*
J.C.:Nooooo!cluck!YOUR A COW! cluck.*runs from N.C.*
BellaCow:JAKE! how dare u call my sweet baby a COW!
J.C:-.- because she is a cow...cluck.
BellaCow:oh yeah..mooo. Now wat about the rest of you? Moo or cluck people! come on we havent got all day!
Rosalie chicken:*sobbing* I'm a chicken, cluck, I'm hideous
Carlisle Chicken: cluck, I wanna be a cow!!!! this is not cluck fair!!!!!!!!!! A cow. how hard is it for you people to understand *starts to cry*
Emmett` cow: it's okay rosie-poo you are one sexy chicken
Nessie:*still crying* I want my Jakey!, I don't wanna be, moo, a cow
Emmett cow: why, moo is everyone so sad *Starts to cry* I just can't stand it
Alice chicken: *giggling and pointing at emmett* look! a cowsie, ooooohh ha ha *points at Carlisle* ooooh don't be sad funny chocken, cluck *looks down at self* I'm a chicken! *starts rolling on the floor laughing* that. is. so. funny!
Esme cow: um Alice?
Bellacow: what's with her?
Carlisle: *dine crying* hmmf, I don't want to be a chicken, hmmph *starts rubbing hands together like and evil scientist* you'll regret this one day, mark my words you will regret this! *evil laugh* cluck
Nessiecow: where's sexy JAkey, I'm scared of moo carlisle cow
Jake chicken: don't come near me, you're a cow
Bella: what's your deal Jacob seriously!
Jake: well....... if you want to know the truth......... i'm scared of cows
Bella: oh well it's okay Jakey we're not really cows
Jacob: *laughing* I can't believe you fell for that cluck, Sucker!
RosalieChicken: Okay people, (cluck) focus!
EmmettChicken: *laughing* HAHA you said (cluck) people!
JakeChicken: Ha! Blondie should've been (cluck) a golden retriever!
AliceChicken: Heh. (cluck) But seriously guys, we need to think of a way to save (cluck) Jasper.
BellaCow: Yeah, we (moo) really should save him.
RosalieChicken: I TOLD (cluck) you, there's really no (cluck) point. Once I get my hands (cluck) on him, he's dead.
EmmettChicken: HAHA YOU SAID (cluck) HANDS! Well I don't know about you Rosie posie, but (cluck) all I have are these freaky little twiggy things. (cluck)
JakeChicken: I know! (cluck) What happened to sexy Jakey's bulging (cluck) muscles?!
NessieCow: Don't (moo) worry Jakey, I still think your muscles are (moo) sexy.
JakeChicken: Uh... Cluck?
EsmeCow: Poor Jasper, all alone and afraid. We (moo) really should save him.
CarlisleChicken: I don't (cluck) WANT to be a chicken! I WANT TO BE (cluck) AN EMO BOY!!!
EsmeCow: Don't worry (moo) sweetie, we'll get those nasty kids to (moo) change you back.
CarlisleChicken: *sniffs* Promise? (cluck)
EsmeCow: Promise. Moo.
AliceChicken: Excellent. And now (cluck) we plan.
Everyone: (cluck, moo)
*in an abandoned warehouse, where Jasper is tied (with ropes, which he is magically not using his vampy strength to break...I know, I'm confused too) in the corner*
Bellona: It's (dun dun dun dun) THE REVENGE OF THE TALKING FARM ANIMALS!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA---
Medea: Bellona!! What the heck are you doing?!
Iah: She's being Bellona. What does it look like?
Medea: But where the heck did she get that from?
Iah: We may never know....
Bellona: Because I sure don't!
Iah: *slaps forehead*
Medea: *slaps Bellona*
rosalie: dammit alice, we are not saving jasper. *turnes to emmett* cluck, please emmett tell her no
emmett: umm..... no?
Alicechicken: *glares at rosalie and advances forwards*
emmett* breaks out laughing* oohhh, a , cluck, chicken fight
Carlisle Chicken: there's no need for violence now-
RosalieChicken:* moving towards alice* yes. there. is.
*rosalie and alice start to fight, feathers fly everywhere*
Bella: ha ha! feathers... everywhere, in my hair. like at umm.. yeah
Renesmee cow: (cluck) go rosie!
Jakechicken: comeone shorty, (moo) you can beat the blond
*rosalie and alice continue to fight*
Bellona: that really hurt medea
Medea: big whoop
Bellona: *stomps on medea's foot*
Medea: that. hurt!
Bellona: *sticks tongue out*
CarlisleChicken: Girls!!! Break (cluck) it up! We have to find those kids! (cluck)
RosalieChicken: CLUCK! I mean, NO!
CarlisleChicken: *whining...cluck* But Esme PROMISED that (cluck) we'd get them to change us back!!!
AliceChicken: Rose, don't you (cluck) want to be normal again? Let me just (cluck) say, that feathers do not suit you.
RosalieChicken: I look FINE (cluck) in feathers. Right Emmett?
EmmettChicken: Right Rosie posie. (cluck)
AliceChicken: But wouldn't she look even (cluck) better without them?
EmmettChicken: Yes, she (cluck) would.
AliceChicken: Then it's settled. We'll (cluck) go find those kids, and Jasper.
RosalieChicken: But we're NOT (cluck) saving Jasper!
BellaCow: Of course (moo) not Rose.
BellaCow: Shut the cluck up Alice, do you want to save him or not?
AliceChicken: *has vision* Ooh. Sneaky. Cluck. Wait a minute, aren't you a cow?
BellaCow: *shifty eyes* No. I'm a chicken... cluck.
AliceChicken: I could've sworn you were a cow.
BellaCow: Of course (moo) not. DAMMIT.
AliceChicken: Ah HA! So you (cluck) ARE a cow!
BellaCow: Curse those kids and the irresistable urge (moo) to moo!!!
JakeChicken: Um...this might be (cluck) kinda off topic, but why does it matter if you're a cow or a (cluck) chicken?
NessieCow: Exact--moo--ly! It doesn't matter. Hold me (moo) Jakey!!!
JakeChicken: Oh yeah. That's why it (cluck) matters.
BellaCow: Don't make my baby (moo) mad!!!
JakeChicken: Or what, (cluck) you'll sit on me?
JakeChicken: Aww ****.
NessieCow: What did you say Jakey?
JakeChicken: Uhm... Cluck. I said cluck.
BellaCow: Sure you did.
CarlisleChicken: Would everyone shut up??!! I WANT TO BE A (cluck) NORMAL BOY AGAIN!!!! Now let's go find those twerps!
*Back at the warehouse*
Medea: I'm going to get you for that Bellona!
Iah: Oh, this is going to be good!
Bellona: *Gulps* Now, Medea… don't do anything drastic.
Medea: *advances toward Bellona* Oh, trust me this will be very drastic.
Iah: *To self* Wow I've never seen Medea this mad.
Bellona: Umm, Medea remember I'm like your little sister.
Medea: My little sister never annoyed me this much; therefore you are not like my little sister!
Bellona: Okay then… bye! *Runs for the door*
Medea: Oh, No you don't! *throws shoe at Bellona*
Bellona:*Falls* Ow! That really hurt.
Medea: *Walks over, with an evil smile on her face.* I know, I know. I'm going to hurt you- *she freezes, and gets this weird looking faraway look on her face* Never mind, I'll get you later. We should get out of here. I have a feeling that the Cullen's are coming. And they are not happy.
Iah: *To self* Aw, man that was getting so exciting! *receives evil glare from Medea* Never mind!
Bellona: *thinks to self* Wow, I really got lucky this time; I'll try not to make her angry like that again.
Medea: *Walk over to a now very scared Jasper* Hey there Jasper, were going to leave this place now, and I want you to be very quiet and cooperate, deal.
Jasper: Why should I?
Medea: *In a really sweet, happy, and calm voice* Because if you don't, you'll get hurt badly. And never see Alice again.
Jasper: *Gulps* Okay then!
Medea: *Sweet voice* Good Choice, Jasper! *normal voice* Bellona, Iah! You 2 have everything we need!?
Iah & Bellona: Yes!
Medea: Okay then, let's go! *The Poof out of the room*
AliceChicken: Ugh! Cluck! I've had enough of this!!!
NessieCow: So have I. (moo) I want to be normal again. I (moo) miss my Jakey!
CarlisleChicken: I STILL WANT TO BE (cluck) A NORMAL BOY!!!
AliceChicken: Right. So we should (cluck) rescue Jasper, regardless of what Rose says.
AliceChicken: And then we'll (cluck) get to be humans again.
RosalieChicken: No! There has got to (cluck) be another way to change us back!!!
BellaCow: I don't (moo) think there is. I mean, it's not (moo) like Angela's a witch or anything.
BellaCow: And Mike just can't be (moo) a sorcerer, or something. He's so gay he can (moo) hardly function.
BellaCow: And if Eric could do (moo) magic, he would have cleared up his acne. I mean seriously, (moo) some of those things look like volcanoes!
BellaCow: And what is Tyler, a warlock? Who (moo) can't steer a car to save his life, and mine?
CarlisleCow: O. M. G.!!!!
BellaCow: *exasperated sigh* WHAT Carlisle? You've been (moo) saying Omg for like the past five (moo) minutes! You sound like a freaking (moo) valley girl!
CarlisleCow: I have an idea.
BellaCow: Yeah, like (moo) that'll help us. My ranting was more productive.
RosalieChicken: Shut up, cow! Maybe it'll (cluck) work!
BellaCow: Don't you call me a (moo) cow, you skinny little, stringy-feathered freak!
RosalieChicken: Oh. No. You. Didn't.
BellaCow: I did.
*Bella and Rosalie are about to fight, when Carlisle intervenes*
CarlisleCow: GUYS!!!! Seriously, I have an idea. What have we (cluck) got to lose?
BellaCow: Fine. But it'd better (moo) be good.
CarlisleCow: WELL, *dramatic pause* What if Angela IS a witch?
BellaCow: *dramatic shocked expression*
AliceChicken: *has a dramatic vision*
EmmettChicken: *thinks about bananas...dramatically*
NessieCow: *dramatically wishes for Jakey to hold her*
JakeChicken: *wonders when his dramatic dinner will be*
RosalieChicken: *dramatically breaks the dramatic silence by dramatically filing her dramatic nails*
BellaCow: Jeez Rose, (moo) way to ruin the moment. We were going to (moo) break the record for the highest number of 'dramatic' s in one post!
RosalieChicken: Whatever, cow.
BellaCow: I. Am. Moo. Not. A. Cow!!!
EmmettChicken: HAHAHA! You're a (cluck) moo, not a cow!
Director: Stop saying dramatically. We're done with that joke. It's not funny anymore, so don't even go there.
EmmettChicken: I think it's funny.
Director: Exactly. Now Carlisle, whine again. But leave out the drama!!
Director: SAY YOUR LINE!
CarlisleChicken: *whining in a very undramatic manner* Guys! Stop fighting! Now are we going to find Angela or not?
Director: Perfect. Now, continue.
RosalieChicken: Stop being so perky!!!!
BellaCow: I'm not perky, Mrs. PERKY!!!
RosalieChicken: Look who's calling who perky!!!
CarlisleChicken: GUYS!!! ANGELA!?!?!?!?
EmmettChicken: *starts kissing a pellow with his eyes closed*
BellaCow: Uh, Emmett?
*Emmett opens eyes and spits out the pellow*
EmmettChicken: Uh, it's not what you think it is!!!!
Everyone: Sure it isn't....
CarlisleChicken: Come on guys!!!! Angela please!!! Lets focus for once!!!
Director: *whispering to someone off stage* He's my star whiner.
BellaCow: Right. Angela....Anyone have any ideas?
RosalieChicken: Who made you the boss?
Everyone: *dramatic sigh*
EmmettChicken: This looks like a (cluck) job for...
JakeChicken: DOUBLE OH EIGHT!!!
EmmettChicken: Isn't it double oh seven?
JakeChicken: Not where I come from.
EmmettChicken: Okay. DOUBLE OH EIGHT AND (cluck) DOUBLE OH NINE!!!
BellaCow: Would you two PLEASE stay (moo) out of this?
EmmettChicken: Not a chance. We are *pulls out mirrored sunglasses* SUPER COOL (cluck) NINJA SPIES...IN DISGUISE!!!
JakeChicken: You (cluck) said it bro!
EmmettChicken: Now come! We must (cluck) capture Angela and restore our manly muscles of (cluck) manliness! Because we are manly!
JakeChicken: I know, we're rad.
RosalieChicken: Omg! Would you two lovebirds stop (cluck) making faces at each other?
JakeChicken: I DENY EVERYTHING.
JakeChicken: *stage whispers* Come on Emmett! Let's go (cluck) 008 and 009 that witch!
*Jake and Emmett leave to kidnap Angela*
AliceChicken: Right. Cluck. Now that they're out of the (cluck) way, what's the real plan?
BellaCow: I think we should--
*Emmett and Jake reappear with a burlap bag...it is squirming. I wonder why. Could these two, in fact, have actually...succeeded?*
JakeChicken: Got her!
EmmettChicken: Yep. We're cool.
RosalieChicken: Excellent. Let's make her sing.
Emmettchicken: we are so cool
Jakechicken:*Starts singing the jaws themesong while opening bag*
Rosaliechicken: there's nothing (cluck)in there
Emmett: what? There is too
Jakechicken: yeah, there is, (cluck)we're so rad
Bellacow: just finish opening (moo)the stupid bag
Jakechicken: fine whatever *continues to open bag*
*Jessica falls out of the bag*
Alicechicken: that's. not. angela
Emmett:umm.... but... we're still rad right
Esmecow: Emmett,(moo) jacob, go put jessica back were she belongs and go get angela
Jessica: wtf is going on
Bellacow: uh... moo?
Jessica: this is soo freaking intensely weird
*emmett and jake sneak up on her with bag, and put her in it*
Jessica: *muffled screams*
Carlisle: *whining* hurry up, I wanna be a real boy
*Emmett and Jake poof away*
Bellacow: Remember when Edward used to (moo) do that all the time?
Rosaliechicken: Yeah. He was also (cluck) chased by those CFG's (Crazy Fan Girls), right?
Bellacow: *giggle* Oh yeah, (moo) I forgot about that!!!
*Emmett and Jake poof back*
Emmettchicken: We got her!!!
Jakechicken: Yeah! And I even (cluck) checked this time!!!
Rosaliechicken: Wow. How, uh, smart. (cluck)
Bellacow: It was (moo) VERY smart, Jake.
Jakechicken: Uh, (cluck) thanks Bells.
*Bag flies out of Jakes hands*
Emmettchicken: JAKE!! She was so hard to catch!! She kept poofing everywhere!!!
Rosaliechicken: You mean she can (cluck) still poof everywhere!?!?!?!?
Jakechicken: Uh, (cluck) yeah.
*everyone hears poof inside the bag. Rosalie tackles Jake to the ground*
Jakechicken: hey now (cluck) blondie, you can't (cluck) do this to me, we need to (cluck) get angela
RosalieChicken: don't (cluck) try to reason with me (cluck) you moron!
Nessiecow: NO! don't(moo) hurt sexy jakey *starts sobbing*
Jakechicken: yeah listen to the fat cow!
Bellacow: *advanced towards Jake* DON'T CALL(MOO) MY BABY A FAT COW
Jakechicken: now ladies there's no need to get mad *backs towards wall*
*rosalie and Bella advance towards Jake*
Alicechicken: STOP WASTING TIME!!!! WE(CLUCK) NEED TO SAVE JASPER!! AND GET OUT OF ANIMAL FORM
Carlisle: I wanna be a real boy!!!
Alice: SHUT UP CARLISLE!
Carlislechicken: *wimpering* okay
Esmecow: we need to find a practical approach to this. I just need to think of one
Bella:*suddenly breaks down sobbing* I miss (moo) eddie-poo *continues to sob*
Alice: PULL IT TOGETHER BELLA
Bella: *still sobbing* I. Want. Edward *sob*
AliceChicken: Jeez Bella, are you (cluck) okay?
BellaCow: NO! MAKE THE ORANGES GO AWAY!
EsmeCow: Bella? (moo) Are you okay dear?
BellaCow: *dreamy look on her face* Of COURSE ladybugs (moo) can get the measles, Nessie.
CarlisleChicken: ACTUALLY Bella, they can't. You (cluck) see, I did my graduate thesis on it. Their (cluck) unique form of cellular respiration actually prohibits the formation of (cluck) the enzyme that catalyzes the reproduction of the bacteria which (cluck) causes the disease. *smug smile*
BellaCow: THE PICKLES ARE COMING! THE PICKLES (moo) ARE COMING! Pansy, bring me my underwear.
CarlisleChicken: I recommend bed rest and fluids.
EsmeCow: *leading Bella upstairs* Come on Bella dear, let's get you (moo) to bed.
AliceChicken: Right. Now we (cluck) need to save Jasper. It seems that if I want that witch, (cluck) I'll have to get her myself.
JakeChicken: We'll help.
EmmettChicken: Because we're so rad.
JakeChicken: You know it.
CarlisleChicken: Actually boys, I recommend (cluck) bed rest and fluid for you too. Chickens CAN get the measles. Have you had your shots?
EmmettChicken: Been there, clucked that, got the t-shirt!
JakeChicken: Heh...Yeah. Same here. *shifty eyes*
*Alice poofs out, presumably to look for Angela, although you can never tell with Alice. Freakish pixie has her own agenda.*
AliceChicken: I heard that!
*Alice poofs out again, after making her worthless comment on my fabulous commentary. Stupid chicken.*
At the Cullens' house...
Bella: *lying in bed* Shut up Dinglehopper! Just shut up!
Bella: Will someone please stop the jingle bells from eating me?
Narrator: Ehm... We'll leave Bella alone for now. Onto more interesting things.
In a random meadow in a random country near a random Dutch town...because Dutch people talk funny
Rosalie: So... why are we here again?
Emmett: *shrugs* Beats me. Wanna make out?
Nessie: *sniffs* I miss Daddy. Why can't we go ask the people in that town if they've seen him?
Rosalie: *exasperated sigh* I told you already, Nessie. Those people are DUTCH.
Emmett: So Rosie has issues with Dutch people.
Jake: No. Freaking. Way. Blondie's scared of Dutch people?
Rosalie: *snaps* I didn't say scared, dog.
Jake: Then what's the issue?
Emmett: She didn't say scared, but that's what she meant.
Rosalie: We are most definitely not making out right now.
Nessie: What's wrong with Dutch people, Rosie?
Rosalie: It's a long story.
Jake: *smug smile* We've got time.
In the random Dutch village...
DutchPerson1: Hoosken noonen dinglevoonen.
DutchPerson2: Like, jookin vookin dearwiboofin?
DP1: *shrugs* Looben doo.
Narrator: I'm afraid our translator has stepped outside... We'll come back to the Dutch people later.
In an old, rusty van...
Esme: Carlisle, are you sure these are the right directions?
Carlisle: *whining* This is what MapQuest gave me!
Esme: Okay... Alice, remind me again why we're in an old, rusty van.
Alice: It's for dramatic effect! And it TOTALLY goes with my awesome, rocker-chick outfit.
Carlisle: *still whining* Why can't we find the stupid warehouse?
Alice: TURN RIGHT!
*the car screeches around a corner, into a dark alley*
Alice: *sighs happily* Okay, now we'll get there.
Carlisle: *who is still whining, much to the delight of the director* Alice! This isn't what MapQuest said to do!
Alice: Are you going to listen to stupid MapQuest, or your psychic daughter?!
Esme: Look, it's a warehouse!
Alice: *sticks out tongue at Carlisle* Told you.
*IMPORTANT MESSAGE! * -WinniePony
Oh and in case you couldn't tell, I made everyone normal again. Like...POOF. No more farm animals. We can say that...the impact from Bella running into the door magically made them all normal again. Kay? I was just too lazy to type in all the moos and whatever. Whoo!
*in a random meadow in a random country near a random dutch town*
Jake: I want to hear about the dutch people, come on blondie
Emmett: oh oh! I wanna tell I wanna tell!!! Pick me! pick me!
Rosalie: there's nothing to pick you for emmett nobody is telling the mutt about the dutch people!
Emmett:*goes and pouts in corner that happens to be in the meadow*
*in van outside of warehouse*
Alice: come one you guys, lets go save jazzy!
Carlisle: I'm not going
Esme: why not?
Carlisle: this is the wrong warehouse mapquest is always right!
Alice: mapquest is wrong! now come one We're going to save Jazzy
Esme: Carlisle..... Alice.... don't fight we need to save Jasper
Carlisle:*sticks out tongue at Alice* fine, but I'm staying here
Alice: Fine, then I'll go by myself *walks into warehouse yelling* Jazzy! JAzzy!
Carlisle: *starts driving away in van*
Esme: what are you doing!
Carlisle: ditching alice!
Carlisle: because she's being mean, and I want her to have to walk home *evil grin* serves her right
*in the random Dutch meadow*
Jake: We're not leaving this spot until you tell us about the Dutch people.
Nessie: Come on Aunt Rosie, please? *puppy dog eyes*
Emmett: *from the dark, creepy corner that is dark and creepy, despite the bright sunshine, that for some reason, is not making the vamps sparkle. I love messing with physics * Yeah Rosie, please?
Rosalie: You're going to laugh.
Nessie: I promise I won't Rosie. Please tell us!
Rosalie: So...um... Once upon a time, I was very young and beautiful. And I went to a Dutch town. And I went into this salon to get my hair cut, because I just had a few split ends I wanted trimmed, and I told the hair-cutter-person that I just wanted a trim. He said some funny stuff that I didn't understand, so I just smiled and nodded. And then--
Jake: HE TURNED INTO AN AXE MURDERER AND CUT YOUR HEAD OFF WITH HIS SCISSORS!
Narrator: Jacob Black, you are an idiot! If he cut her head off, she would be dead, and not telling you a story. If he was an axe murderer, he would have used an axe, and not scissors. And if he just cut her head off, Rosalie would not be scared. She's only scared of people who--
Nessie: Cut off her hair! He chopped all of your hair off, didn't he Rosie?
Rosalie: *whispers* Yes. It was all...gone. *shudders*
Jake: Omg. Wow. Scary.
Rosalie: *whispering* and that...is the tale of why I don't like Dutch people. Or the short version at least...I cannot tell you more than that. *shifty eyes*
Nessie: *whispering* But Rose...that won't happen again...because Mario speaks Dutch.
Bella: *whispering* Mario?
Nessie: *whispering* Yes. The small mushroom-jumping man over there. He can help us. He speaks many...many...languages.
Jake: *whispering* Why are we all whispering?
Rosalie: *whispering* For....dramatic....effect. *shifty eyes* Now go get Mario.
*Jake whispers in French to Mario*
*Mario follows everyone to Dutch village without question*
Rosalie: *whispers* Are you sure Mario speaks Dutch?
Nessie: *whispers* Yeah. I heard him before.
Jake: *whispers* He also speaks French.
Emmett: *booming very loudly* I'm sick of whispering!
*everyone jumps in shock, including Mario, who flies up 20feet in the air and lands on top of a house*
Nessie: *no longer whispering* Omg! Look at Mario!
*Mario slides down the chimmney of the house*
Jake: *also no longer whispering* After him!
Emmett: *whispers* But he went inside that person's house...and that person is most likely Dutch!
*Rosalie shakes in fear*
Jake: *oblivious to Rose's discomfort* Gosh Emmett, whispering is so, like, last minute. Get with the times. And let's go find that plumber!
Nessie: Um... I don't think we can. Rose is...incapacitated.
Jake: Screw Blondie. Are we going to go find the little guy or not?
Nessie: *sighs* Emmett, stay here with Rose. Sexy Jakey and I will go find Mario.
*cue ominous music*
Jake: *nervously* Actually Nessie, it could be dangerous. Why don't Emmett and I go, and you stay with Rose?
Nessie: *eery smile* No no Jakey, I'll go. I like danger.
Jake: *gulps loudly*
Esme: WE ARE HERE TO SAVE YOU JASPER!!!!!!
Carlisle: *mutters* We would have been here sooner if not for Alice...
Alice: It was a MISTAKE!!! GET OVER IT!!!!!
Jasper: Alice, did you take the green fluid again? (Anyone else remember that?)
Alice: Nope. In fact, I havn't seen Aro in a while. *looks innocent*
Esme: JASPER! WE ARE SO GLAD THAT YOU'RE OKAY!!! *hugs Jasper really tight*
Carlisle: *in disapproving voice* Esme, did you get into the chocolate again?
Kool-Aid Guy: OH YEAH!!! (Sorry, I just wanted to put that in)
Carlisle: Where did he come from?
*Kool-Aid Guy poofs away*
Esme: So where'd those freaky kids go, anyway?
Jasper: The ones that kidnapped me?
Carlisle: No Jasper, the other freaky kids that hang around in warehouses.
Jasper: They went to get lattes. We should go before they get back.
Alice: Squee! Jazzy, I missed you.
Jasper: I missed you too.
Alice: Don't you ever scare Sith Lord Alice like that again! Being kidnapped is not allowed.
Jasper: *salutes* Yes ma'am.
Carlisle: *whining, which he seems to be doing a lot lately* Guys, let's go! We need to check on Bella, and see if she's okay yet.
Esme: Don't worry honey, I'm sure she's fine.
Carlisle: You did get into the chocolate, didn't you.
Esme: I swear I didn't! *shifty eyes*
Carlisle: Don't lie to me! You know what it does to our weird, vampy digestive systems.
Carlisle: DON'T LIE TO THA LURVE DOCTA!!!!
Carlisle: Now let's go find Bella and detoxify Esme. Tally ho, darlings. *skips off to the rusty van*
Alice: *giggles hysterically* That guy is fun-ny!
Jasper: I knew you'd had the green liquid.
Carlisle: *sing-whining, also known as singing in a whiney voice or whining in a sing-songy voice* Daaaaaaaaaarlings! I'm waaaaaaaaaiting!
Alice: *still giggling* You heard him! Let's not keep the crazy man waiting. *eyes glitter creepily*
*back in the meadow*
Jake: you know Nessie, I think I need to talk to emmett for a minute in private...... *shifty eyes*
*emmett and jake go off together in corner*
Jake: *Whispering* you've gotta help me
Emmett: wait so whispering is cool again
Jake: *whispering* yes! now just listen, I Don't wanna go in there with Nessie so we're gonna tie her up until you and I get back from going and getting that Mario dud, because I'm pretty surehe can bring us to that luigi dude
Emmett: *whispering* I though we were after Edward
Jake: *whispering*forget Edward I want luigi!
Emmett: *whispering* fine, but why luigi
Jake: *whispering* there was an incident....... and now it's payback time
Emmett: oh my
Emmett: So...wait a minute. You want to tie up Nessie and leave her alone?
Jake: Thats the plan.
Emmett:....works for me!
*Emmett and Jack tie up Renesmee*
Renesmee: Jakie! Don't leave me here!!! *big eyes*
Jake: Emmett...maybe this isn't such a good plan...
Emmett: *drags Jake away from Nessie* Comon, Jake. She'll be fine.
Aro: Ohh!!! Goodie!!! They've finally left her alone!
Caius: Um, Aro, what are you talking about?
Aro: My lovely Nessie! I think she would be a perfect addition to my colle..I mean, family. Send in the troops!!!
*Guards all poof over to Renesmee*
Nessie: JAKIE!!!! HELP ME!!!!!
Jake: My Nessie senses are tingling!
Emmett: My banana senses are tingling!!!!! *Becomes Banana Boy and flies off with Jake to find Mario*
Bella: Blalalalala...whobyuhght? *Mother senses tingling* MY BABY!!!! *rushes off to save Renesmee*
Guards: Hey! It's Bella! I remember you!!!
Bella: Stay away from my baby!!!
Renesmee: Mom! I'm not a baby anymore!
In front of the house Mario jumped down...
Jake: Hmm...the Nessie sense-tingling stopped...I wonder what happened. Oh well...
Emmett: So, how do we get in?
Jake: Well, normally someone would use the arrows and letter buttons to make us go through the chimmney...*glares pointedly at you..yes YOU* but...they're OBVIOUSLY not going to, so maybe we should dig a tunnel. With this BAGEL-CREAM-CHEESE-SPREADER-THINGIE! Spoons are SO out.
Emmet: If you say so...
Meanwhile, where Nessie is tied up...
Aro Smith: Renesmee. How nice to see you again. What are you doing in this nice Dutch village, and where did Rosalie go? Wasn't she here just seconds before you were tied up?
*Screen switches to a view of Rosalie running and screaming in terror while clutching her hair past the Eiffel tower...far away from the Dutch village*
Back to Nessie area:
Nessie: Yes, she was, but some big guy with scissors started chasing her...but I told him not to run with scissors, so I think Rose is ahead of him now. Mwahahahaha.
*Bella comes running towards Aro, Caius, and Nessie now*
Bella: MY BABY!!!!! Stay away from my baby!!!
Renesmee: Mom! I'm not a baby anymore!
Bella: *Croons* Oh, but you are still Mommy's baby sugar..oh, yes you areee, you are mommy's little baby...Come here and give Mommy a big wet kiss!
Nessie: *Jumps in pillowcase Aro is holding* Take me away!!!!!
Aro: *Runs off with Nessie in pillowcase while Bella conitnues crooning and then passes out.*
*Screen cuts to Edward pushing a giant Trojan bunny across a desert*
Jake : Emmett !
Emmett:I'm Banana Boy .
Jake : I don't care put me down .
Emmett: Why ?
Jake : Because my Nessie needs me , and even though she's going through a creepy prhase . She's still my Nessie .
BACK TO THE WHAREHOUSE :
Jasper: Alice you know what happens when you get in the green goo ?
Alice : Sorry Jazzy .
Carlisle : Not now you two ! Carlisle whines.
Esme : We have to find the kids that kidnapped Jasper .
Alice : Oh when I get my hands on them , Alice rants . They are going to wish they never even new My Jasper existed .
Jasper : Okay , calm down Alice . I'm okay see . I'm fine .
Alice is suddenly very calm and serene .
Carlisle : Okay , Let's get those kids .
With Edward :
Edward : Why am I pushing around a big wooden bunny .
Jane : because , You love me
Edward : No . I love Bella .
Jane : Than why are you here with me plotting my evil schemes against Bella .
Edward : Good Point . Bye .
Jane : Wait you're leaving me here alone .
Edward : Yeah . That's the plan .
*with Jake and Emmett...*
Emmett: Dude, I thought you wanted Luigi!
Jake: I do.
Emmett: Then why are we rushing off to save Nessie, who may or may not be in trouble?
Jake: Because... Hmmm. Luigi. Nessie. Luigi. Nessie. ARG! EVERYTHING'S SO CONFUSING!!!
Emmett: Okay... I vote we find Luigi, so that we can get to the bonus banana level!
Jake: Only Pacman has the banana level! *mutters* Amateur.
Emmett: But... we KNOW Nessie doesn't have bananas, and Luigi might! Let's go find him.
Jake: That settles it. We're finding Nessie.
*several hours later, Emmett and Jake are in the middle of an endless expanse of grass. Nessie is nowhere to be found*
Emmett: Dude, this is getting old.
Jake: *calling* Nes-sie! I'm sorry we tied you up! Where are you?!
*suddenly, the grass abruptly ends and becomes sand. Jake and Emmett are now in a desert... How tacky. Seriously, who writes these things?*
Emmett: Like, omg! We're in a desert! Where'd the grass go?
Edward: Beats me.
Jake: I don't know. Where's Nessie?
Edward: Aro Smith stole her away. I tried to follow, but the trojan bunny was quite cumbersome.
Emmett: Yeah Eddie, why'd you even follow that Jane chick? She's scary.
Edward: Well you see---
Emmett: EDDIE! OMG, WHERE'D YOU COME FROM?!
Edward: The more appropriate question would be, "why the heck are you two in my desert?"
Jake: Your desert?
Edward: Yes. It's mine. I am king of this desert.
Jake: Dude, we should get you out of here. The heat's messing with your brain.
Edward: No, it's not. I didn't just declare myself king. The toad people did!
Edward: *sigh* You know, the little brown toad guys from Mario video games? (Does everyone know the things I'm talking about? They're the bad guys... you bounce on them and they die.) They're plotting revenge against Mario and Luigi, and made me their king because of my mad vampy skillz.
Ghostly Voice Coming From The Sky: Did you just say "mad vampy skillz" ?
Edward: Yeah, why?
GVCFTS: Just checking. *stifled giggles*
Edward: Anyway, so now I'm leading a rebellion! You guys should join me.
Jake: Okay! Sounds way more fun than Nessie-hunting.
Emmett: Do we get bananas?
Edward: *smug smile* The toad people are excellent banana chefs.
Emmett: *squees like a fangirl*
Jake: Cool, I'm in.
Emmett: Me too! Now where are the bananas.
Edward: *sinister smile* All in good time, my brothers.
Jasper:*gets somehow distracted and Alice is high again*
Alice: Oh!! You know what?
Jasper:What? *suspicious and VERY scared of Alice's tone*
Alice:I have a fryyyyiiiinnnngggg pannnnnnnn
Alice: His name is Booooooo-ooooobbbbbb
Alice: AND IM GOING TO HIT THE CRAZY KIDS WITH HIM!
Bob-The-Frying-Pan: I'm too old for this! My Teflon is coming off! I'm...I'm...I"M MIDDLE-AGED!
Alice: I will put a dent in you if you don't shut up...
BTFP: Okay. I'm quiet.
Jasper:OMG, it's Bob! Did you hit Carlisle with Bob?
Alice:Mayyybeeee.....*suddenly breaks out in song* We're all in this together, and it shows when we stand hand in hand make our dreams come truuueeee....ohoh....
Emmett: *whining* but I want the bananas now
Edward:*glares* shut up inferior one! You will get banana's when I say you get banana's and besides only Carlisle is allowed to whine
Emmett: oh my! *runs off to a conveniently located corner and starts to cry*
Jake: I hate vampires! *walks off and cries with emmett in the corner*
Edward: *screaming* STOP THAT INFERIOR ONES!!! CRYING IS NOT ALLOWED ON MY DESERT!
Jake and Emmett: *whimper*
Edward: much better.... much much better, now time for my rebellion
*cut to Warehouse*
Alice: *spining around in circles holding bob away from her* wwwwwhhhhhhheeeeeeeee! Whhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeee!
Jasper: umm... alice you might want to stop that now.....
Alice: *glares* *smacks Jasper with bob* No. If anyone else tries to stop me I'll hit you with bob
Alice: *starts spinning again*
Carlisle: this is fascinating!
Jasper: no it's not!
*Jane walks in with the trojan bunny*
Carlisle: OMG!!!!! it's a trojan bunny!!! I freaking love those things!! Oh my! THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!!!
Carlisle: I want the trojan bunny!!!
Jane: Hmmm. I'll give you the bunny if you give me Bob.
Alice: No!!!!!!!!!!! Bob is MINE! *hits Jane with Bob*
Jane: Ow. Omg! Esme, I LOVE YOU!
Jane: *hugs Esme* Let's run away together, darling.
Carlisle: Does this mean I get the bunny?
Jane: I'll trade you the bunny for Esme. *looks lovingly at Esme*
Esme: Carlisle Cullen if you trade me for that bunny, we are SO OVER.
Carlisle: But it's so... bunnerific!
Alice: *dreamy smile* Hey Jazzy, why didn't Bob make you gay?
Jasper: Um... well, you know. I'm in touch with my emotions. Bob doesn't affect me. *shifty eyes*
Alice: *clearly not listening* Oh look, a giant frog!
Jane: I'll take the short one off your hands too, if you just give me Esme.
Carlisle: You'll take Alice AND give me the bunny? Wow. Tempting...
Alice: No!!! I want to stay here with the giant frog!!! *hits Jane with Bob again*
Jane: Ew!! Get off me, lady. Carlisle, give me the freaking frying pan already.
Carlisle: So you don't want Esme any more?
Jane: No! I want Bob, and I want him NOW.
Carlisle: Okay! Alice, give the nice lady your frying pan.
Alice: No! Bob is my present to the giant frog. It's our third anniversary.
Jasper: *steals Bob* Here Carlisle.
Carlisle: Thank you. Here you go, Jane.
Jane: Thank you very much, you pathetic mortals.
Jane: Whatever. J-dizzle out.
Esme: J-dizzle? That's adorable!
Jane: For your information, it's my evil codename. Deal with it.
*stomps off, clearly pissed, but clutching Bob tightly*
Jasper: Wonder what she's going to do with Bob...
Alice: Bob? What about my giant frog?!
Jasper: *send wave of calm*
Alice: *slips into a coma and starts snoring*
Emmett: Um, Jake, why is he 'MUHAHAHAHA'ing?
Jake: Idk, Emmett.
Edward: THERE IS NO TEXT-TALKING IN MY DESERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Emmett and Jack: Ok, ok, just calm down...
Edward: I DON'T WANT TO CALM DOWN!!!! *bursts into lovely tears (wink)*
Jake: Uh, Edward, why are you crying?
Edward: Because I miss my wife and my daughter and everything is just AWFUL right now!!!!!!!!!
Emmett: *whispers to Jake* What's up with Eddy?
Jake: *whispers back* Id- I don't know.
Edward: *crying still*
Emmett: Maybe he got some of his human hormones back...?
Jake: Let's just stay with that!!!
Edward: I want chocolate!!!!!!
Jake : Edward . You're a vampire . You can't eat chococlate .
Edward : Why can't I have Chocolate ? I wan't Chocolate .
Emmett : It messes up our digestive sytem .
Edward : Okay.
Jacob : Now , Let's calm down .
Emmett : Really It would be great if you calm down .
Edward : I'm calm inferior ones
Jacob : Ah , Crud . He was here and now he's gone .
Emmett : snickers So . Edward , Oh Mighty KIng of the Dessert .What's up ?
Jacob : Emmett don't you remember no abbreviated tallk in his dessert .
Edward : Shut up . If you don't I will sick my army of Toad People on you .\
Jacob : What about Nessie ?
Emmett : What about My bananas ?
Edward : We will take care of that after I lead the rebellion !
Edward: TOAD PEOPLE OF THE DESERT. I, YOUR FABTASTIC RULER EDWARDICUS, COMMANDETH THEE--
Emmett: *muffling laughs* Edwardicus? Wtf?
Edward: I SAID NO TEXT-TALKING!!!
Jake: Sorry. What Emmett meant to say was "Edwardicus? What the--"
Director: And CUT.
Director: Jake, you can't swear. This thread is PG!!! And seriously Edward, stick to the script I gave you.
Jake: I was just quoting Emmett.
Director: You weren't supposed to. Read your freaking lines.
Edward: Why can't I be Edwardicus?
Director: Because it's stupid! Bella would be ashamed of you.
Edward: *whining* But I want to be Edwardicus!!!
Director: Stop whining!!! Only Carlisle is allowed to whine. It's in his contract.
Edward: And does it say that my name can't be Edwardicus in mine?
Director: No. But it does give me creative liscence.
Edward: Like that means anything. EDWARDICUS IS BACK IN BUSINESS!!!
Director: *flips frantically through the contract* Crap. Fine. Whatever, name yourself Edwardicus. I don't care. But no swearing on a PG-rated thread. And ACTION!!!
Edward: TOAD PEOPLE OF THE DESERT. I, YOUR FABTASTIC RULER EDWARDICUS, COMMANDETH THEE TO RISE FORTH FROM THE SANDY SANDS AND COMMETH TO THINE RULER, WHO IS FABTASTIC!!!
Emmett: *muffled laugh* Eddie thinks his name is Edwardicus.
Jake: Whatever. I'm not going to burst his bubble.
*Suddenly, the sand starts to rumble. The fabtastic ruler Edwardicus who is fabtastic, instantly concludes that either the toad people are approaching, or that Emmett had too many beans last night. He fervently hopes for the first, but there is no way to be sure.*
Jake: Emmett, did you eat beans last night?
Emmett: *scoffs* Of course not. You know that vampires can't eat that crap. We can only dine on the fine yellow flesh of fresh bananas.
Mysterious Voice Coming From The Sky: Did you know that bananas are plant ovaries?
MVCFTS: It's true. All fruits are plant ovaries. And seeds are tiny little plant embryos!
Emmett: Um... that's nice?
MVCFTS: Just thought you should know. I'll shut up now.
Edward: If Emmett had no beans, my TOAD ARMY IS APPROACHING!
Jake: Dude, chill.
Edward: EDWARDICUS WILL NOT BE SILENCED!
(The toad people come in hoards.)
Edward: Now listen to the words of me!
Toad People: Listen to words.
Edward: Yes. Now, as you know I love Bella.
Toad People: Be-lla.
Edward: Yes, Bella. Now, you also know that my daughter is Nessie.
Toad People: Nes-sie.
Random Toad Guy: I LOVE YOU NESSIE!
Edward: Someone, please kill him.
(Toad People eat Random Toad Guy.)
Edward: Now, bring Bella and Nessie to ME, MY TOAD PEOPLE!
Toad People: Bring my Bella. Bring my Nessie. Bring toad now.
Edward: ...close enough.
*THREE HOURS AFTER LAST SKIT*
Toad People: We find Bella. We find Nessie.
Edward: You have! Thank goodness! Bring them forth! Where are they? Bella, love? Bella!!!
Toad People: We no give Bella. We no give Nessie.
Edward: What! Why? But I am your king!! Why?
Edward: WHY CAN'T YOU BRING THEM?
Toad People: We eat Bella. We eat Nessie.
Edward: I comand thee to regurgitate my beloved so I can put her back together!
Toad People: uhm....
Edward: Yo he hablado!!! (Means I have spoken in spanish)
Director: CUT!!! Edward!!!
Edward: what does thy want of the great Edwardicus?
Director: no spanish it's in the contract
Edward: lo siento
Director: stop that!!! *poofs out*
Edward: I comand you to give me Bella and Nessie back!!
Toad People: we no can throw up on comand oh great one
Edward: *shows pictures of Mario jumping on Toad People heads*
Toad People: the horror!!! *begin to barf*
Jacob:*whispering* it's a good thing I have a strong stomach....
Edward: where have I heard that before??
Emmett: is whispering cool again?
Edward: come inferior ones help your leader put Bella and Nessie back together
Emmett: I can't. Rosalie senses tingling TO THE BANANA MOBILE!!!!
Jake: since when does he have Rosalie senses?
Jake(again): since when does he have a banana mobile?
-Edward x Lover
Edward: Jacobus! Help me put my Bella back together!
Jake: Jacobus? Wtf?
Edward: Yes! Come, young squire. Help me put my Bella back together again.
Jake: *muttering* All the king's horses and all the king's men...
Jake: Fine, fine. Coming, O exaulted margarine.
*Edward and Jake reassemble Bella and Nessie. Bella's concussion, however, does not appear to be resolved*
Bella: Oh Farquin! I'm so glad you ate that cow horn for me! *hugs Edward*
Bella: *gasps* Omg! I just saw a baby zebra!
Nessie: Sexy Jakey! I KNEW you would save me. *creepy smile*
Jake: Um... yeah. Right. No problem. *shifts weight uncomfortably*
Bella: Oh my! Is that Pansy? Pansy, have you brought me my underwear yet? *looks expectantly at Jake*
Jake: Um... I'm going to go help Emmett.
Nessie: Rescue Aunt Rosie? I thought you hated her.
Jake: Oh yeah. Um. So what ever happened to revenge on Luigi?
Toad Guy 1: Yes, exaulted margarine. We want our revenge!
Toad Guy 2: Yes, revenge!
Toad People: *chanting* Revenge. Revenge. Revenge. Revenge. Rev--
Edward: Right! So let's see... I have a plan, but it involves some things that are too scary to be said on a PG-rated thread. Director, can we up the rating?
Director: *huffs angrily* Fine, whatever. PG13. But we can't go to R, we'll lose half our audience! So keep it PG13.
Jake: Does this mean I can swear?
Edward: Okay. So here's what we have to do.
*12 and a half minutes later*
Nessie: Um, Daddy? Are you going to tell us the plan, or are you going to stand there and grin to yourself all day?
Edward: Right! I forgot, sorry. So the plan is, we bring in reinforcements.
Jake: What kind of reinforcements?
Edward: Does anyone remember (and this is where the thread will earn it's new rating) Peanut?
Everyone: Le gasp!
Edward: Well I think, *puts on serious face* that he might be our only hope of defeating Luigi.
Nessie: Who's Peanut?
*Suddenly, Peanut poofs in. He's not wearing any pants, but he's a cat, so it's okay.*
Peanut: You rang?
Everyone: Le gasp! Again!
Jake: I haven't met Peanut yet, and have no clue why he is here, so I motion we ignore him until WinniePony takes over again. All in favor?
Carlisle, Esme, Alice, and Nessie: Aye!
Jake: All opposed?
Jake: Peanut ignored temporarily.
Edwardius: No!!!!! *Begins sobbing uncontrollably.* CHOCOLATE!! I want it! *bursts into wordless sobbing sobs*
Jazzy, come. I need a shoulder to cry on! *sniffles*
Edwardius: Jazzy! You don't love me? *puppy eyes*
Alice: Uh, oh.....
*Everyone glares at Alice but Edward who is still making puppy eyes*
Carlise: WHAT. DID. YOU. DO.
Alice: ....um...I may have accidentally bumped him with Bob when Jazzy snatched him from me. Remember how he was sreaming for chocolate a minute ago?
Carlise: As soon as we get home, young lady, you are GROUNDED. FOREVER.
Alice: NO!!! *begins crying* You can't control me! I hate you! I'll eat green goo if you ground me! *sobs unintelligible*
Esme: It's okay, sweetie. He's not going to ground you. *glares at Carl*
Esme: What now?!
Director: His name is CarlISLE. Not Carl. Don't call him Carl. No nicknames for Carlisle.
Esme: Is it in the contract?
Esme: Dang....Well, lucky it's not a nickname then, huh?
Director: What? yes it is! It's the shortened form of Carlisle.
Esme: No...it's a PET name. You said I could use them.
Director: Yes...but...there is a restriction to them. They are dangerous.
Esme: Whatever. ACTION!
Now, Carl. You will not ground Alice.
Carl: *becomes a dog* Woof!
*Director smirks in the background*
Edwardius: I know the restriction!!!!!!!!! *bursts out laughing* You called Carlisle a pet name! And now he's a PET. bwahahahahahahahahahahahahah.
*Jane and the director high-five*
*Mario is shown jumping off cliff as curtain closes*
(BTW I have no idea when Alice Esme and everyone else suddenly appears…Ask the author…not me!!)
Carlisle: You made me a dog!
Esme: It's okay Carl. I love you anyway. Although you do stink now.
Director: *smirks* Your fault.
Esme: Don't worry Carl, our love will triumph. It's okay.
Carlisle: But... I DON'T WANT TO BE A DOG!!!
Carlisle: No offense Jacobus.
Edward: OH, so you'll call HIM Jacobus, but you won't call ME Edwardicus?! Well screw this, I QUIT! *stamps foot for emphasis*
*Yes, everyone is shocked. In fact, Bella is SO shocked, that it snaps her out of her sliding-glass-door-induced semi-delirious concussion state. Everyone is very impressed, although I'm not sure why.*
Bella: EDWARD! NO! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME AGAIN! *sobs uncontrollably*
Edward: Pshaw. Whatever. Me and Jazzy were about to elope anyway.
Jasper: Um... Let's leave me out of this.
Bella: Edward!!!!!! No!!!!!
Alice: *whispers* Bella, here. Take Bob.
Bella: NO ONE CAN REPLACE EDWARD!
Alice: *slaps forehead* Bella, you're an idiot.
Peanut: WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Peanut: WinniePony's back, so why am I still being ignored?!
Edward: Um... I don't know, actually.
Bella: *shrugs* She probably started leading up to you, but then forgot about you.
Alice: Or she was distracted. By... who knows what.
Peanut: But she's the one typing this!
Alice: Oh yeah...
Peanut: Screw this! I quit too!
Edward: Excellent! Jazzy, I am no longer in need of your services. Peanut and I can elope instead!
Peanut: *turns away from everybody and rubs his tiny little kitten paws together in an evil manner.* This is my chance! If Edward and I "elope", I can use him for my revenge. The Cullens will be sorry they ever sent me to the huge black hole where all the discarded skits characters go. Muahahahahahahaha!
Edward: Come on Peanut, my love, let us skip gayly into the sunset. Away!
Peanut: Yes Edwardicus, my love, let us skip away and get married. But not in California, since they passed Prop 8 and gay marriage is now illegal! Again! (Gah. I was really pissed when that happened.)
Edwardicus: *crying happy tears* You remembered to call me Edwardicus! You ARE my true love.
*Peanut and Edward skip away into the sunset*
Bella: *sobs* I... want....Edward
Nessie: what's with her
Jake: I don't know *rolls eyes*
Carlisle:*whines* oh this is bad, this is very very bad I don't want to be a dog!!!
Esme: true love can conquer all!
Carlisle: I miss being a panda cow.......
*cut to Edward and peanut in,Massachusetts, a place that is not California*
Edward: oh peanut, my true love let us do things that can not be said because this thread is PG13
Peanut: uh um...... maybe later Edwardicus in the meantime lets take revenge on the Cullens
Peanut: because they are evil evil beings
Edward: oh yeah I forgot about that
Peanut: now come on!
Edward: fine, but later can we do non-PG13 things
Peanut: yeah whatever
Edward: Sweet! *dances around*
Peanut: but now Edwardicus it's time for revenge
Edward: what are we going to do
Peanut: *laughs evilly* we will kidnap the blond!
Edward: rosalie? psh no one will save her
Peanut: oh they will.... oh they will
Edward: fine whatever
Peanut: now here's the plan
*cut to Emmett and Rosalie*
Emmett: I sense danger
Rosalie: you're so paranoid there's nothing dangerous going on *rolls eyes* idiot
Emmett: fine, I see how it is! you think I'm and idiot! well we'll see whose laughing when Edward and Peanut kidnap you and no one comes to save you! ha!
Rosalie: well sucks to be you cause that's never going to happen
Emmett: oh you have no idea
Rosalie: whatever Emmett I don't even care if they kidnap me because then I won't have to be within close proximity of you!
Emmett: good I don't even like you anyway
Rosalie: yeah you're just a jerk
Emmett: right back at you
Rosalie: whatever I'm leaving now
Emmett: don't even bother, I'm leaving now
*cuts to Peanut and edward*
Peanut: You know the plan right?
Peanut: Fine! *grumbles* Edwardicus, you know the plan right?
Edward: Yeah, Yeah. *Smiles hugely*
*cuts to Rosalie*
Rosalie: Stupid...Emmett...His senses. Grrr!
Silky voice: Rosalie? Come to the dark side.
Rosalie: Why? Who are you and why should i go to the dark side?
Silky voice: Ummm... We Have Cookies!
Rosalie:*clapping and jumping*Cookies!!! Yes, I'll come to the dark side! *walks towards the dark...* Only if I get the chocolate chip one's...
Silky voice: Bwahahahhahahahahahahahahah....
Edward: Peanut! Tie her up all ready!
Silky voice: Gosh Dangit Edward...Wait till she's full of cookies! Didn't you read the Plan?
Rosalie: Shwye Shoo Shi She Shup? ( Why you tie me up) *stuffed with cookies*
Edward: Now...can...we...tie...her up?
*cut to Emmett*
Emmett: My Rosalie senses are tingling! I have to go save her. Wait. no I don't I don't care anymore I hate her. ha. good I want her to be in pain. ha. serves her right *laughs evilly* I miss my rosie-posie *starts to cry*
*cut to edward, peanut, and Rosalie*
Rosalie: What are you guys doing I don't want to be tied up
Peanut: *laughs* they will come, they will come
Rosalie: who will come? *glares* It better not be Emmett because I don't want him to come save me! ha! I hate him!
Edward: no one's gonna come
Peanut: why wouldn't they come the dumb blond is part of your family
Edward: yeah but we only put up with her because of Emmett everyone hates her
*cut to the rest of the Cullens*
Alice: *dances around happily* All of this is going to get sorted out
Jasper: by who?
Alice: *smiles* Prince Caspian and Cedric Diggory!
Bella: Yay! Cedric's coming! I don't need Edward anymore!
Jasper: *grumbles* stupid Caspain... I can't wait till he sees the bad side of my old friend *pulls out knifey*
Alice: Jasper! Wait... YAY EDWARD's COMING!
Esme: YAY! I can't wait...I hope he dazzles..
Carlisle: ME too.....*dreams of Edward dazzling*
Edward: Ok Rosalie's suffocating so let's just sit back...and watch. *dazzles*
Carlisle: *jumps up and down with Esme* Oh my Gosh! Esme he really did dazzle! *eyes wide w/ excitement*
Bella: HEY! GET YOUR EYES OFFA MA MAN! BEcause he only dazzles for- *stares at Edward in shock*
Bella: Oh great now I'm drooling too.
Edward: *laughs....then turns serious* Ok let's just watch Rose suffocate...*turns on TV*
Emmett : Edward
Edward interupts :My name is Edwardicus .
Emmett : I don't care what you're name is .What I want to know is how vampires can be suffocating ?
Carl the dog : Woof Woof Woof . he is obviously trying to tell them some medical stuff but Esme and her Pet names made him unable to speak .
Jasper : Wow Emmett .
Emmett : What ?
Alice : Wow as in wow you just found a flaw in Peanuts and Edwardicus'es plan
Esme : Wow he did .
Emmett : Does this mean I can save Roselie
Director :Cut .
Director : Emmett should'nt be able to defeat them so easily .
Emmett : Well Edward should come up with a better plan .
Edward : This plan was Peanut's .
Director : True .
Emmett : So can I go back To saving my starts saying pet name
Roselie : Emmett Cullen don't you dare call me a pet name
Director ; sorry to break up this love fest . but ACTION !
Edwardicus : No you can't you will not ruin my love's (Peanut's )Plan .
Bella:still sobbing loudly . Stupid no pants wearing assasin cat .
Jasper : Calm down . Bella begins to feel calm.
Bella : Jasper stop calming me down .
Jasper : No and that's final .
Alice : I have an Idea .
Rose : Emmett let me out already
Emmett : I'm working on it . Now hold still.
Jasper: What's your plan ? And where's Esme ?
Jasper: What did we do this time?
Director: Nothing, Esme went to the bathroom and she needs to be in this part
Carlisle:WOOF WOOF WOOF!!
Alice: Carl, shut up! I'm seeing something!
Alice: The mall is having a new sale this weekend and the price for the dress I wanted is being put at $78!!!!
Bella: ALICE! This is no time for sales what about my Edward? *gasps*Whispers* Edward...my knight in shining volvo...
Director: Guys? I hope you know this is not going on film! BY the way...Where's my toads?
Assistant: They are in Studio six sir...
Director:Well HOP along and go fetch them for me! *laughs hysterically*
Emmett: ha. ha. very funny
Director: It's ' MAN' to you.
*Esme comes back in*
Jasper: Finnaly, we were beggiing to think you fell down the toilet
Alice: then Aro came to get you
Bella: Then you two ran off to spain together
Rose: Then you got another Island and named it Isle Aro
Esme: Nonsense.....We wouldn't name it THAT....
Director: Ummm anyways....Moving ON....Roll the film....ACTION!
Esme: I'm serious you guys, Isle Aro is a crappy name.
Everyone: Le gasp!
Director: I SAID, action! Read the script people.
Esme: We'd name it something much classier, like... Isle Esme the Second!!! See, wouldn't that be cute?
Edward: Actually, Edwardicus thinks that 'Whale Haven' would be a much better name.
Director: Hello?! Does nobody read my script anymore?
Emmett: Dude, why are you talking in third person?
Edward: *looks disdainfully at Emmett* Edwardicus does not associate with peasants.
Peanut: Why is nobody trying to rescue the blonde?! IT'S PART OF THE EVIL PLOT!!!
Director: Why is nobody listening to me?! READ THE FREAKING SCRIPT!!!
Edward: Owie, you make Edwardicus's head hurt. Peanut, love, fix Edwardicus's head.
Peanut: Gosh darn it, I can't take it any more! I'm not your freaking love. We're not eloping. You're helping me in the demise of your family, and I am tricking you to achieve it. Now stop hitting on me!!!
Edward: But... But... You said we'll always be together!
Peanut: LIES! Vicious, evil, manipulating lies. DEAL WITH IT.
Esme: Um... I think I have to go to the bathroom again.
*Esme runs off screen, presumably to the bathroom*
Alice: I'm with you. This is getting a little awkward.
*Alice runs off after Esme, presumably following her to the bathroom, although with Alice, you can never tell.*
Edward: But Peanut! I love you!
Peanut: Well I don't love you.
Bella: I love you, Edward!
Edward: But how is that even possible? We had the truest of all loves, Peanut!
Peanut: *groans* Get a grip! Seriously, this is getting old.
Bella: I still love you, Edward!
Edward: Peanut! Don't do this!
Peanut: *sighing* At least he's not talking in third person any more. Why won't he go away?
Bella: I love you, Edward!
Edward: Don't talk about me like I'm not here! DON'T LIE TO ME!
Peanut: Where the heck is that frying pan?!
Bella: *sighs* This is getting old. *shouts to Edward* I LOVE YOU, EDWARDICUS!!!
Edward: What's this? Bellicus, you remembered my true name! We are meant to be!
Bella: Of course, Edwardicus. Peanut was never for you. WE are meant to be together.
Edward: Oh Bellicus, I love you. *smiles*
Bella: *Is dazzled by the beautiful brilliance of Edward's smile. Although really, she should be used to it, but I guess some things never change. Including certain facets of Edward's personality...*
Edward: Oh Bellicus, now that we're passionately in love again, and both have wonderful, ridiculously silly names, let's go save the whales!
Edward: Yes! Let's go rescue the pathetic, underprivileged, distraught, frightened, beluga whales! They even have their own theme song. *starts singing* Baby Beluga in the deep blue sea. You swim so wild, and you swim so free. Heaven above, and the sea be--
Bella: No! Not Raffi!
Edward: *still singing* --low, and the little white whale on the go. Baby Beluga! Baby Beluga! Is the water warm? Is your mama home? You'll soon be sleeeeeeeeeeping!
Bella: *screams loudly in Raffi-induced terror*
Carl: EDWARDICUS I LOVE YOU TOO!! *waits for him to dazzle*
Esme: Yea me too Edwardiscussywussy..*Aro arrives* Oh hey babes...
Edwardicus: NO! Me and Bellicus shall run off to save the dolphins! Dolphie Wolphie look at me while you're under the deep blue sea! Let me dazzle while you swim because then--
Bellicus: Edwardicus I thought we were going to save Whalies..not Dolphie Wolphies..TRAITOR!
Edwardiscus: Alas Bellicus...My love for Peanut is still there...
Bella: Wait...where is it? MAYBE I CAN TAKE IT OUT!
Edwardicus: I don't know...Ask Carl he knows my body better than you...
Bella: WHAT! how cone I didn't know about this
Edward: because we couldn't mention it on the thread, the thread is PG 13 dufus
Emmett: oohh.... cat fight *runs away laughing hysterically*
Esme: oh my! this is very bad, very very bad
Esme: shut up!
*peanut runs back in with another cat*
Peanut: okay Edward, here is the reason we cannot elope, okay? I HAVE A WIFE!!! WEARING PANTS!!!
Peanut: And guess why else we can't love, Edwardicus? I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AS WELL!!
Peanut's wife: You WHAT?
Peanut: Oops,umm, but Macadamia, love, I didn't mean to say that in front of you, I mean, I was just joking so he wouldn't keep hitting on me . . . . I mean, ummm . . .
Peanut's wife: IT'S OVER, PEANUT. *walks off*
Emmett: omg, there really WAS a cat fight!! *laughs louder*
Director: why isn't anyone following my script?
Alice: because your script was written by a monkey!
Director:if thats how you feel then I QUIT!!!!!
Alice:wow I didn't see that coming
New Director:Hello my vamp-tastic peoples
ND:my script is the best. its written by...antalopes!!!!
Bella:I need to find that dang frying pan!!
Edward: but I love you peanut
Jane: *poofs in from where ever she was* here ya go
Bella: why are you being nice to me
Jane: bc I love peanut and I want him
Bella:works for me *takes Bob*
Bob: don't hit him too hard I don't to dent it's bad for my image
Bella: *whacks Edward*
Edward: OW!!!!!!!!!! *starts to sob*
Bella: omg suck it up
Edward: I am crying out of joy!!!
Edward: I didn't like being gay!!! (not that theres anything wrong with it)
Bella: yay!!! *hugs Edward*
Edward: lets go do things that aren't allowed on a PG-13 thread
Bella: yay here Alice take Bob
Bob: NOOOOO she dented me!!!
Alice: don't worry we will have a nice bath and then off to bed
Jasper: *whispering* I think she's lost it
Emmett: is whispering cool again??
Jasper: where did you come from?
Emmett:I'm not really sure
-Edward x lover
Jasper: Alice, honey, careful with that.
Alice: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *twitches randomly*
Alice: And now, the power of Bob is in my hands! COWER BEFORE THE AWESOME MIGHT OF SITH LORD ALICE!!!
Jasper: Alice, honey, I thought we were done with the whole Sith Lor--
Alice: SILENCE YOUNG ONE.
Rosalie: Oh gosh, not again. Seriously.
Emmett: Omg, are we doing the superhero thing again?! I GET TO BE BANANA BOY!!!
Rosalie: No! You are not Banana Boy, Alice is not a sith lord, and I am taking Bob. *snatches Bob from Alice* There. Now everything can return to normal.
Alice: YOU. TOOK. SITH. LORD. ALICE'S. FRYING PAN!!!
Rosalie: Yup. Deal with it.
Alice: *launches herself at Rosalie, fully intending to rip her hair out...hehehe, it wouldn't grow back. Alice considers herself very devious at the moment.*
*Suddenly, Jane suddenly jumps in front of Rosalie, suddenly. Nobody suddenly questions why Jane is suddenly on Rosalie's side, suddenly. Jane suddenly glares suddenly at Alice, who suddenly falls to the ground, suddenly. Suddenly, the Skits thread was nominated for the most usage of the word 'suddenly' in a single post, suddenly. The Skits girls suddenly cheered at their sudden recognition, suddenly. But I digress. Back to the skit. Suddenly.*
Alice: Omg, stop! It tickles! *laughs hysterically*
Rosalie&Jane: It WHAT?!
Jane: Why aren't you writhing in pain?!
Rosalie: What the heck are you playing at, shortie?! You said it would hurt her.
Jane: Shortie?! I OBJECT.
*Judge poofs away to the land of forgotten skits characters*
Alice:*steals back Bob* MWAHAHA NOW ABSOLUTE POWER IS MINE again
Rosalie: o not again
Emmett: am i still Bananaboy?
Emmett: aw man
Alice: come on bob *laughs evily* we're going to have some fun....
Jasper: now alice.... maybe not the best idea in the world....
Alice: silence young ignorant one, you may speak when you are not so young and ignorant
Rose: *rolls eyes* Alice the whole "sith lord" thing is getting pretty old, I mean that's been around for quite a few threads now I mean seriously it gets old
Alice: that's what you think blondie *laughs evilly again*
Esme: we need to fix carlisle!!!!!! I hate dogs!!!!
Esme: except for you of course dear
Carlisle: *whines and goes to lay down in a corner*
Alice: Stop your whining stupid dog *smacks carlisle with bob*
Carlisle: walks over to jake and starts licking his leg*
Jake: ALICE! you made him gay
Rose: and you're the only other dog here
Alice: *smacks Rose*
bob: stop hitting people so hard, seriously I'm going to break if you keep doing that
Rosalie: Omg Alice, I love you so much!
Alice: Ew! *hits Rosalie again*
Bob: Ung. I'm going to break, I mean it.
Rosalie: *shudders* Alice, we never speak of this again. Understood?
Alice: Yeah, whatever. *hits Jake*
Jake: *giggles* Oh Carl, you're simply divine!
Esme: THAT'S MY HUSBAND!
Jake: *flutters his eyelashes* Not for long, daaaaaarling.
Alice: Heh. This frying pan stuff is fun.
Esme: ALICE! Change Carlisle back!
Alice: I can't make him human again! Only the old director can do that, and he quit.
New Director: Who needs him? My script is going great! Let's get back on track, please, ladies.
Esme: Over my dead, decapitated, flaming corpse! Come on Alice, we're finding that director.
Alice: No way! Nobody orders around Sith Lord Alice!!
Esme: Except for her mother. NOW Alice.
Alice: You didn't have scary mommy powers LAST time we were superheroes!
Esme: I learned from my mistake last time. Now COME.
Alice: Yes Mommy dearest. Coming. But where are we going?
Esme: To the land of forgotten skits characters, of course. That's where he'll be. JASPER, EMMETT, COME.
Jasper&Emmett: Yes Mommy. Coming Mommy. Anything for you, Mommy.
*JAsper, Emmett, Esme, and Alice set off for the land of forgotten skits characters, because everyone else is either gay or too obnoxious to come along.*
*Deal with it, Rosie.*
*in the land of forgotten skit characters*
Emmett: are we there yet
Jasper:no Emmett. Alice are we gonna be there soon
Emmett: *screams lyk a little girl* ahh what is that *pionts to the distance*
Emse:Emmett relax its just a sponge
Alice & JAsper: wow
Alice: you don't see that everyday
*the sponge approaches them*
Emse: who are you
Sponge: i am Spongebob Squarepants who are you all?
Emse: im Emse
Jasper: im Jasper
Alice im Alice
Emmett: im Bananaboy
Jasper: no hes Emmett he just thinks hes Bananaboy
Everyone: And we're all vampires
Edward: Bellicus dear...I MEAN....Bella what do we do now that everyone has went off to the land of forgotten skit characters and Jake and Carl are having fun doing non PG=13 things in my room?
Bella: I HAVE A GOOD IDEA! Why don't you...*tone turns serious* dazzle for me?
Edward: *groans* WE. JUST. DID. THAT.
Bella: *like little child* AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN!!! *claps hands*
Edward: Fine. LAST TIME! *sparkles*
Bob the Frying Pan: I HAVE ARRIVED!
Bella: Where the hell did you come from? *turns gangster* STEP AWAY FROM MY MAN GUUUURL! IMA CUT U! If you make him gay.....Then I better turn into a man FOR SHO shizzle dizzle wizzle dizzle lizzle tizzle ba bizzle yo.
Edward: Bella honey I mean-Belliquana you should lay down.
Bella: Fo sho son. Fo sho.
Spongebob(SB): Omg wait, I remember you guys! RUN FROM THE EMO MAN!!! *cowers in fear*
Jasper: *sighs* I'm not emo anymore. And knifey broke, so calm down.
SB: Oh good. She wasn't very nice, always poking me with her pointy point.
Jasper: DO NOT INSULT KNIFEY!!!
Alice: Silence young one!!! Despite the ugly, pee-like, and totally unfashionable color of the spongy one, he may be able to direct us to the old director.
Alice: Yes, pee-like. Do not insult Sith Lord Alice's choice of adjectives.
SB: I'm... pee-like?
Esme: Shut up Alice.
Alice: NO ONE TELLS SITH LORD ALICE TO SHUT UP!!!
Esme: *glares at Alice*
Alice: Oh right, except her mommy. Sorry mommy. Love you.
Esme: *smirks at Alice, then turns to SB* Now Spongebob, honey, can you tell us where the old director is? *smiles sweetly*
Esme: *eye twitches randomly, but her smile remains frozen in place* Spongebob sweetie, where is he?
SB: I don't know. What does he look like? *mutters* Pee-like...
Esme: He's... He has... I don't know. Alice, what does the old director look like?
Alice: Sith Lord Alice doesn't pay attention to peasants.
Esme: *warning tone* Alice--
Alice: *quietly* I don't know either.
Jasper: Don't look at me. I was babysitting the midget.
Alice: SILENCE YOUNG ONE!!! SITH LORD ALICE IS NOT A MIDGET!!!
Esme: NOBODY knows what the old director looks like?
Emmett: I DO!
Esme: Oh good, Emmett, tell us.
Emmett: I'll only tell you... if you all agree that I'm Bananaboy!
Alice: NO! Sith Lord Alice is the only superhero allowed!
Esme: *ignoring Alice* Agreed. Now Bananaboy, what does the old director look like?
SB: *sighs* Pee-like...
Esme: BananaBoy? What does the old director look like?
Emmett: BLOND!!*laughs hysterically* and *sqeaky voice* he has dark clothes and hahah a funky hat oh! and a TOE RING! Hahahaha Spongebob keeps saying pee-like!
*POOOOF* Renesme appears
Everyone except Renesme and BananaBoy:
Renesme:*creepy deadly deamon like voice* YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN ME IN THE PAST THREADS! *sad cute voice* why?
Alice: Pfft! We didn't forget you these random people that log on Twilight Lexicon and write out these skits forgot you!
BananaBoy: YES! NOW LEAVE OR I WILL SHOOT BANANA'S AT YOU!
Renesme: What! why?*Turns gangsta like* Ya'll betta not shoot them banana's at me foo! *wavin' her finger around* Ya you betta not! Or i have 20 AK-47's that i have diggie-dog ya'll hearin me?!?
Everyone except renesme:
emmett: whoa you need to chillax homeskillet dog word
everyone except emmett:
emmett: what? y'all foos thought I couldn't be gansta oh you be trippin you be tripping real bad
renesme: *stomps foot* gansta talk is my thing foo, back off
alice: NO MORE GANSTER TALK!!!!!!
esme: yeah we need to find the old director
Jasper: *whispering to nessie and Emmett* then foolds they be trippin
Alice: SHUT UP YOUNG ONE!!!!
Jasper:*whimpers* she's scary!
Alice: SHUT IT YOUNG ONE ! only an ignorant fool or mommykins would speak in my presence without permission
Emmett: yeah you heard her folks and um in my presence to umm.. people can't do the thing with words cause umm... I'm BANANA BOY!!!
*cut back to Edward and Bella*
Edward: oooooooooh bob, this will be fun
Bella: don be trippin ed don you be trippin
Edward: umm.... yeah *Grabs bob* *smacks Bella* *laughs* this is fun
Bella: huh? was I attracted to you?
Edward: yeah *smirks* I dazzled you
Edward: you know it baby
Bella: how atrocious
Edward: you're wounding my ego
Bella: why would I care about your ego *looks around* *whispers to Edward* who's the sexy blond
Edward: Rose, wat, sexy blond?!? I'M THE SEXY ONE
Bella: *rolls eyes* I'm sure you are
Edward:*cries* fine! I didn't love you anyways, I love Peanut
Bella: cool with me, now I need to get to the blond
Edward: Noooooooooooooo! but I love you *attempts to dazzle*
Bella: suck it up
Rosalie: Bella lets talk about this
Bella: We already talked about your hottness
Rosalie: I'm not into girls Bella
Bella: Well I am
Rosalie: *backing away* please Bella
Jane: *poofs in* Jeez I thought you could be responsible with the frying pan Bella! You can't have it if you aren't going to suffer! *grabs Bob from where Rosalie dropped it* *whacks Bella* Now Bob have you ever met knifey? I here kitchen appliances get along nicely with eachother *poofs out*
Bella: that was weird
Rosalie: you're telling me
Edward: Bella love are you alright
Bella: Dazzle for me fool!!!!!!!!!!
Edward: Here we go again
Rosalie: I'm gonna go help Emmett find the old director bye! *mumbling to herself* I need to get out of here before they start doing things not allowed on the PG-13 thread
In the land of forgotten skit characters (LFSC)
Emmett: oh oh I know what the director looks like now!
Alice: Tell me peasant
Emmett: Hey I'm not a peasant!!!!!!
Esme: Emmett listen to your sister/Sith Lord Alice
Emmett: yes mommy. ok he's French so we need to go to the France of LFSC
Jasper: sponge-dude do you know where that is?
SB: pee-like...yes I do
Alice: SHOW US WORTHLESS ONE!!!!!
SB: dude she's freaky
Jasper: tell me about it
SB: you will need a car
Esme:can we borrow yours?
SB: sure you can take my krabby patty car
Jasper: that's degrading
Alice: GIVE US DIRECTIONS PEE-LIKE SPONGE!!!!!!
SB:pee-like...ok follow the yellow brick parkway past the mushroom people (we forgot about them too remember) and make a right on director lane
Emmett:great!!! to the banana mobile
Jasper: it's actually a hamburger mobile
Emmett: banana-boy says its a banana! DEAL WITH IT!!!
Esme: shot gun =]
-edward x lover
Jasper: Did someone hit Alice with Bob ?
Alice :What are you implying , Young One ?
Jasper : Nothing Alice !
Alice : Sith Lord Alice to you young one !!
Jasper : This young one stuff is getting old . I'm almost 200 years old . I'm even older then you !
Emmett : would you to stop arguing and get in the Bannana mobile !
SB: iTS A KRABBY PATTY !!!
Everyone but SB : Who Cares !!!
Alice : Okay come get in the car Old One ! ( Snickers )
Jasper : Somebody definately hit Sith Lord Alice with Bob ! ( Mumbles )
*Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Esme and Spongebob are riding in the Krabby Patty/Bananamobile*
Rosalie: Morning boys.
Esme: Rosalie! What are you doing here?
Alice: How dare you call Sith Lord Alice a BOY!! I will have revenge!!
Jasper: Rose, isn't what you just said Leah's line? Doesn't she say that in Breaking Dawn?
Everyone but Jasper:
Emmett: Whats Breaking Dawn?
Esme: Never mind, its just a book. Now, Rosalie, WHY ARE YOU HERE?
Rosalie: Edward and Bella and Jacob and Carlisle were being over PG-13.
Esme: Umm, okay, thats reasonable, I suppose. You can ride with you know the way to the France of the LFSC?
Rosalie: Umm, no. By the way, whats with the pee-like thing in the drivers seat!
SB: PEE-LIKE!! SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS IS NOT PEE-LIKE!
*swerves off road and hits something orange.*
Orange thing: AHH!
Emmett: OMG its Peanut! STOP!! You might have hurt the poor kitty! Let me fix him with my banana-boy powers!
Alice: Sith-Lord Alice is the only one with powers!! I will not allow this! I must de-power you with Bob! *reaches for Bob* WHERE'S BOB?
Rosalie: Isn't he with Jane?
Alice: Bob would never let himself fall into the hands of a mere mortal like Jane!
Jasper: Technically, isn't Jane im-
Alice: QUIET SOULMATE!
Rosalie: This is so boring. I'm going back to see what Edward and Bella are doing. Anything un-PG rated has GOT to be more interesting than this.
--------Back to B and E------------------
Bella: Edward...come on...JUST DAZZLE ME ALREADY.
Edward: Fine...just don't turn gay again and hit on Rose...*cringes*
Bella: *turns emo* How dare you critisize the dark blackness of my soul in discovery...We shall both burn in Hade's pit of fire... I hate myself....WHERE'S KNIFEY???!
Alice: *poofs out of nowhere* SITH LORD ALICE WILL NEVER TELL YOU!!!!NEEEEEVVVVVEEEERRRRR!
Bella: *sniffles* Meanie. The underworld shall consume you. And me.
Bella: Fool. Dazzling doesn't work on emo people. *finds knifey* HAHA! I have found you. Come, we will become good friends knifey....
*Jasper snatches knifey from Bella and poofs away*
*Bella begins sobbing and pulls out her diary*
Bella(reading as she writes): Dear Diary: Mood: Apathetic. My life is spiraling downward. I couldn't get enough money to go to the Bloodred Romance and Suffocate me Dry Concert. It sucks because they play some of my favorite songs, like, Stab my Heart Because I love you, Rip Apart my soul, and of course, Stabby Rip Stab Stab. And it doesn't help that I couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thing either like the guy from that one band can do.
I'm an emo kid, non-conforming as can be. You'd be non-conforming too if you looked--
Edward: STOP!!!! Cut it out! *begins crying* Please, Bella! I'll dazzle for you and do anything you want! Just don't sing that song! It's so....depressing! Where's knifey?!
Bella: Edward! No knifey! *hugs* I'm sorry! No more singing.
*Rosalie poofs in*
This doesn't look very PG-13ish.
*Bella and Edward, after the friendly reminder, go back to doing Pg-13 stuff.
*Crabby Patty-mobile breaks down.*
SB: Uh-oh. We're stuck in the Dutch LFSC.
*Everyone watches as Dutch guy runs by with scissors*
*Suddenly Emmett has an epiphany*
Emmett: Hey, what happened to Mario? And where are Jake and Carl? Are they doing PG-13 things in dog form back....where are they anyway?
SB: We need to find a car mechanic
Emmett: Isn't this a hamburger?
SB: *sigh* yes and the inside runs on ketsup but do you see any ketsup? NO YOU DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!
Emmett: don't yell at bananaboy *begins sobbing*
Alice: Hey isn't the dog/peasant a mechanic? *mumbling* foolish ones
Rosalie: yes I will go get him...anythings better than here *poofs out*
Emmett: SHE DOESNT LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!
Esme: this is chaos!!!!!!!
Alice: Sith Lord Alice has no control!!!!!!!!!!
Jasper: oh my god *calms everyone* now Sponge-pee go get some ketsup. Alice stop with the whole ruler of the world thing. Emmett grow up. And Esme I can't tell you what to do mommy.
Alice: where's Bobert?
Alice: my frying pan...duh Carl is still gay and we need to fix that after we find the old director who will make him not a dog.
Jasper: hey she is making sense now
Emmett: ORDER HAS RETURNED TO THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!! to the banana-mobile!!!!!!
Alice: the krabby-patty is broken
Emmett: then we can use my banana kart
*Mario walks up*
Mario: I am here to help you...*mumbling* vampires are crazy...you can use my double dash karts!!!!!!
Emmett: what about my banana-mobile? *holds up real banana*
Jasper: you try and ride that and let me know how it works out
Emmett: OKAY *sits on banana* AH!!!!!!!! mommy I have banana on my behind!!!!!! whipe it off!!!!
Mario: PAIR UP THATS AN ORDER DO YOU HERE ME!!!!!!!
Esme: okay...Jasper you and Alice take one kart and me and Emmett will take the other
Everyone: thanks Mario
Mario: you guys are weird I'm glad the Lex girls forgot about me
*Rosalie poofs in*
Rosalie: Jacob lets go
Jacob: I will never forget you Carl!!!
Carl: I'll never let go
Back in LFSC
Rosalie: where did everyone go?
Jacob: idk we are in the Dutch LFSC though
Rosalie: could you like not use text speak?? wait did you say DUTCH!!!!
Jacob: mm hhmmm
Rosalie: RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!
*hops into Mario Kart with Jacob*
Jacob: now I'll never see Carl again
-edward x lover
People who like this super duper long skit made my Twilight Lexicon members…This is not the end. Everyday I'll check up on the Twilight Skit thread and post it up on here…Okay??
New Skit Plot
Jasper- Emmett, what are you doing?
Emmett- Building a time machine!
Jasper- (confused) Out of what?
Emmett- Edward's car, now all I need is a flux capacitor. I KNOW! I'LL ASK THE JONAS BROTHERS!
~~~Far Away in California~~~
Nick Jonas- Dude, there's some huge guy at our door asking to borrow a flux capacitor.
New Skit Plot
Part of the honeymoon that we didn't get to read..
**Bella is in bed waiting under the covers while Edward is in the bathroom..**
Bella: Are you almost done? I am about to fall asleep..
Something falls down in the bathroom and hits the floor.
Edward: I am trying to get this thing on but its so hard. I've never had to put one of these things on before.
**Another crash sounds in the bathroom**
Bella: They are not that hard to put on Edward. Just slip it in, and you're done. Besides, I thought you didn't need to wear one of those things anyway..
Edward: I know, but I think it will help give me a little bit more precision.
**With those final words, Edward comes out of the bathroom finally and lays down next to Bella.**
Bella: Oh its so....cute.
Edward: Cute? You think its cute? Guys don't like to hear something about them that is "cute". I can understand if you were talking about my hair, or my shirt..but not this Bella..
Bella: *Groans* Well, Edward when you put on a retainer that you don't even need in the first place, what else am I supposed to say? I don't think you need any more "precision" when you go hunting..You're are pretty precise as it is..
*Note from G-Faerie08
HAHAHA...I bet when you guys were reading, you thought that Edward was putting something else on..Get you minds out of the gutter people I also realize that I think I posted this to the wrong place, but the idea just came to me so I had to post it!