Narrator: Not wanting to appear suspicious by standing together in the street too long, the duel couples went their separate ways and called it a night … though they were hardly tucking themselves into bed! Speedy for one was still hungry.
Polly: (setting up a telescope against the lounge room window) Speedy, put down that jar of mustard!
Speedy: (pouting) Can't I go outside and see if there's a 7-Eleven round the corner?
Polly: We can't go outside, it could be dangerous.
Speedy: The way I figure it, it's more dangerous in here! People went missing inside the house, not outside of it … (puts down the mustard and goes to polish his Ginzu sword instead) … see anything worth mentioning out the window?
Polly: (peering through the telescope) Thirty houses and on not a single thing going on. Nothing new!
(Over the road … )
Francine: No no, you keep watch and I'll be on guard!
Guido: Be on guard with what, Francine? Your booklet of paint colour samples?
Fran: No! Look … (leaves the screen for a moment, and returns a beat later) … I can use this!
(Francine shows Guido her weapon.)
Guido: What is that?
Fran: A rolling-pin, silly. Aren't you meant to be a pizza chef?
Guido: I know it's a rolling-pin! What I mean is, our show is about samurais. We tend to use swords, not rolling-pins!
Fran: Polly uses a frying pan, doesn't she?
Guido: Not if there's a big fight scene! Put that thing away, it's embarrassing.
Fran: But I'm really nervy … and I think I'm getting scurvy!
Guido: (totally confused) What?
Fran: You see? I'm so nervous I'm manically rhyming! Hurry or I may start miming!
N: Anything but that!
Guido: Okay! You've convinced me. I'll man the telescope, you be on guard.
Fran: (about to leave, but turns around and says) And don't just sit there staring at those garden gnomes all night!
Guido: How … ? (Looking at her, bewildered) How did you know I was sort of … planning on doing that!
Fran: (smirking) I know everything about you, 'Hugh'. I'm your wife! Remember?
(She struts off, giggling.)
Guido: (yelling after her as she leaves) FAKE wife! If she's not careful I'll tell her my zombie theory.
(Back across the street … )
Polly: Did you hear that?
Polly: Ssh! There it is again. Listen!
(The sound of footsteps … coming from the attic.)
Speedy: (gulping) It's probably a mouse. You should go check it out before it gets away.
Polly: Me? (Outraged) So you've just been sitting around polishing your sword for exercise, huh? You're the one on guard, you check it out!
Speedy: But … checking out a scary noise in the attic is not cool! Don't you watch movies?
Polly: Do you even remember your role as the fearless leader of this group?
Speedy: Point taken … (stands up, leaving his sword) … this name 'Norville' is getting to my head. Whoever heard of a non-peanut eating fearless leader called Norville!
N: Fearless, non-peanut eating leader Norville cautiously climbs the stairs to the attic. Shouldn't you have brought your magical Ginzu sword, Norville?
Speedy: It's a mouse! I'll just step on it …
(He scans the area. Quickly. Too quickly.)
Speedy: Well that's a relief! I'll just go back down and tell Polly that there's nothing – AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
(From down below … )
Polly: (calling out) SPEEDY! What … AGH!
(At that moment, ten or so masked ninjas dressed from head to foot in black appear on the scene. They hadn't just been hiding in the attic – they'd been hiding behind curtains, inside closets, in the oven … you name it!)
Speedy: (running towards Polly, yelling) NINJA SQUAD! NINJA SQUAD IN THE HOUSE!
Polly: (yelling back) I NOTICED!
N: Why don't you just step on them?
Speedy: SHUT UP!
N: Speedy and Polly are surrounded! How will they get out of this one?
Polly: Got any other suggestions?
N: No! Unfortunately, things are no better for Guido and Francine …
Fran: (walking around upstairs) Oh, maybe this wasn't such a good idea! (Peering into empty rooms, keeping a tight grip on her rolling-pin) Maybe Guido should be the one on guard …huh?
(She hears a noise coming from the closet in the hall. Francine carefully opens the door. She opens it a little way … then stops. Then, about to open it some more, it flings open on its own and knocks her backwards.)
Fran: (screaming) AAAHHH!
(Down below … )
Guido: FRAN! (Abandoning the telescope and charging upstairs) FRANCINE!
Fran: (whacking a ninja repeatedly on the head with the rolling-pin) DIDN'T I SAY THERE WAS A MAN IN THE CLOSET!
Guido: (in shock) WO! Fran, back up! I'll handle him!
Fran: (still whacking) NO CHANCE, HE'S MINE! YOU CHECK THE HOUSE FOR MORE!
Guido: Er, okay … (impressed with Francine and her rolling-pin) … wow, she's got skills with that thing. WHOA!
(More ninjas! Running up the stairs.)
Guido: Crap, they can clone!
(Guido kicks one down. As a consequence, this ninja falls back on the ninja behind him, until the rest all fall like a stack of dominos.
And back to the Jones' … )
(Speedy fights three ninjas at once in the kitchen, while Polly handles the rest in the lounge room.)
Speedy: I'm a qualified pizza chef, boys! Watch me work this cutlery … YAH!
(Speedy starts throwing steak knives . Most strike the ninjas, one narrowly misses Polly's head, and another smashes the mustard.)
Speedy: (traumatised) THE MUSTARD!
Polly: (glaring angrily at Speedy) WHAT ABOUT MY HEAD?
Speedy: The mustard was defenseless!
Polly: (slashing a ninja with her claws) Take that! And THAT!
(Polly grabs another ninja by the collar and tosses him through the lounge room window, smashing it to shards. Then she realises something … )
Polly: (looking down at one of the defeated ninjas on the floor) Speedy!
Polly: They're robots!
Speedy: They're what?
N: (being overly dramatic) Dear GOD! Robots? On this show? That's MADNESS!
(Polly heard a loud ZAP! sound. She dashes for the kitchen, just in time to see a couple of ninjas carrying a passed-out Speedy to the front door.)
Polly: PUT HIM DOWN!
(But before Polly could go after Speedy, another ninja leaps in front of her. Blue electric shockwaves pulsate all over his black gloved hands … )
N: I think he wants to cuddle.
Polly: Oh no you don't!
(Running for it, Polly leads the ninja out the smashed lounge room window and into the front yard where she grabs the garden hose.)
Polly: Anybody ever tell you you need a bath?
N: But I had one this morning!
Polly: Not you!
(Polly sprays the oncoming ninja with water, after which the ninja buzzes and sizzles to the lawn. Terminated. Remembering Speedy, she dashes back inside the house … but Speedy's gone.)
Polly: (calling out in vain) SPEEDY!
Before Polly goes outside to search for Speedy, she sees his Ginzu sword left on the floor. She picks it up.
Meanwhile, across the street … )
Fran: HEY, PUT ME DOWN! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE –
(Another loud ZAP! sound. One of the ninjas has electrocuted and captured Francine. Guido spies a group of them carrying her out the front door and into the street … )
Guido: HEY! LET HER GO OR I'LL –
(A ninja suddenly leaps out, blocking Guido from the door.)
Guido: Eat FIST!
(Guido punches the ninja's head – so hard, it dislocates from its body and flies through the air. Guido is impressed.)
Guido: Wow! Those extra sessions at the gym have really paid off. FRANCINE!
N: But as Guido ran outside into the darkened street, Francine was no where in sight.
Guido: (shouting at the top of his lungs) FRANCINE!
Polly: (running towards him, with Speedy's sword in tow) GUIDO! Guido it's me!
Guido: POLLY! (Running up to her) Are you all right?
Polly: I've had better episodes.
Guido: I lost Francine, these ninja dudes kidnapped her!
Polly: I know, they kidnapped Speedy too. And they're not dudes, they're robots!
N: Yes, robots! Why is this a shock to everyone but me?
Guido: So that's why that guy's head came off so easily … (disappointed) … oh, they weren't supposed to be ninja robots! They were supposed to be ninja zombies!
Polly: Can we talk about this some other time, Guido? Like when our friends haven't disappeared and we're not being chased!
Guido: Say what?
(Polly points to the ten ninjas running towards them.)
Guido: RUN AWAY!
Polly: (sarcastic) You think?
(Polly and Guido start running, the ninjas in hot pursuit.)
Guido: Let's go to Peter and Cici's house. I got a hunch that stairway in their bathroom leads to where ever Speedy and Francine were taken!
(Thundering towards Peter and Cici's house, Guido was about to pound on their front door when – )
Peter: (opening the front door, wielding an axe) YAAAAAAAH!
Polly, Guido: (terrified) AAAAAAAAH!
Polly: BACK OF THE HOUSE!
(Polly and Guido rush to the back of the house, where they're met with Cici … carrying a chainsaw.)
Cici: (cackling like a maniac) AH HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!
Polly: SIDE OF THE HOUSE!
Guido: MAKE UP YOUR MIND!
(Running to the side of the house, Polly and Guido see that the lounge room window is open. They decide to sneak in …
They tiptoe through the house, which is mostly dark … except for a light that's on in the bathroom. Guido looks over his shoulder at Polly and points to the bathroom. Polly nods.
Then Peter appears. With his axe.)
Polly, Guido: AAAAAAAAH!
Peter: (running after Polly and Guido) INTRUDER ALERT – INTRUDER ALERT – INTRUDER –
(Polly chucks a vase at Peter's head. It smashes and breaks. Peter falls to the ground … shaking and speaking nonsensically, like he's having a seizure.)
Peter: ALERT – INTRUDER – WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBOURHOOD – HONEY, I'M HOME!
(Peter goes quiet and limp. Polly and Guido carefully edge towards him … )
Guido: (looking down on Peter, confounded) What the hell just happened?
Polly: That vase I threw had water in it. Don't you see, Guido? Peter was a robot! They're all robots!
Guido: Man, this is worse then that 'Stepford Wives' movie! They really don't want us going into that closet, huh?
Polly: I was getting that impression.
(All of a sudden … the sound of a chainsaw. Polly and Guido move quickly.)
Polly: The bathroom! Hurry!
N: Amidst all this domestic chaos, our hero Speedy Cerviche …
(Close-up of Speedy's face: eyes closed, tongue lolling out and drooling.)
N: … is dead.
Speedy: (sputtering suddenly, waking up) Gah!
N: My god, it's a miracle!
(Both Speedy and Francine are strapped down to beds like mental patients. They appear to be in some kind of laboratory. There's a metal tray with various surgical instruments close by … )
Fran: (sounding freaked) Speedy, wake up you moron! Wake up! Don't leave me here to die alone!
Speedy: (spluttering again – more loudly) GAH! I'm up, I'm up! Where am I? Francine?
(Speedy tries to sit up, but realises he can't.)
Speedy: (struggling) Hey! What gives? Where's Polly and Guido?
Fran: How should I know, I've only been awake two minutes!
N: And then, the source of all their troubles enters the room … wearing a white laboratory coat. It's a bit of stretch, considering how he usually leaves wardrobe in a dress and a wonder bra.
Big Cheese: (winking) I'm wearing ladies panties underneath the coat!
N: Too much information.
Speedy, Fran: Big Cheese!
Big Cheese: You were expecting Ted Koppel?
Fran: We should've known!
Speedy: I thought we did know? I mean, who else was it gonna be?
Fran: Aliens or vampires?
Big Cheese: (shouting) JERRY!
(Jerry walks in after the Big Cheese, also wearing a white laboratory coat.)
Jerry: Yes your cheesiness?
Big Cheese: Bring me those free latex gloves I got with my dishwashing detergent. It's time to prep for surgery!
Speedy, Fran: SURGERY!
Big Cheese: (ignoring their panic) Who are you two supposed to be? Are you … (holding up a clipboard) … Norville and Lilian Jones or Hugh and Jenny Smith?
Speedy: She's Jenny, I'm … (grumbling) … Norville.
Big Cheese: (pleasantly surprised) Is that so? How dishy! It's only been one day and you're already shacking up with the neighbours!
Fran: (indignant) The nerve!
Speedy: (also indignant) There has been no shacking of any kind!
Big Cheese: Jerry, any news on the whereabouts of the discarded spouses?
Jerry: Not yet boss, but the ninjas are on the lookout. They should be bringing them in any second now!
(Jerry hands the Big Cheese his gloves, who then 'snaps' them into place.)
Fran: I demand to know what it is you plan to do with us!
Big Cheese: Oh, it's nothing! All I'm going to do is enter your nasal cavity with my pointy little friend here … (grabs a pointy tool) … and distribute a personality-modifying computer chip into your brain!
Jerry: He's very good. He's seen every episode of 'ER'!
Fran: Funny, I never saw the episode where the doctor's stick computer chips in their patients BRAINS!
Speedy: (over-dramatic) HE'S A MADMAN! A MAAAADMAAAAN!
Fran: (glaring at Speedy, unimpressed) Are you done?
Speedy: One more. MAAAAAADMAAAAAAN!
Fran: (glaring back at the Big Cheese) Why do you have to stick chips in our heads anyway?
Big Cheese: So you'll obey my every command, what else? It's what I've been doing to all the couples who move in here. New couple arrives … my 'watchdogs' Peter and Cici alert my brigade of robotic ninjas … the captured are sent underground so I can tinker with their thinkers and whala! Instant slaves! Soon I'll have an entire army of young people at my disposal. I'll overthrow the Emperor and rule Little Tokyo!
Speedy: Overthrow the Emperor and rule Little Tokyo? Gee, that's original!
Fran: Like we haven't been there a dozen times before.
Big Cheese: (stomping his foot) Oh, what would know! Who do you people think you are, those pesky Samurai Pizza Cats?
Speedy: Careful! We might all choke on the dramatic irony.
Big Cheese: Besides! I had the ingenious idea to infiltrate the real estate market this time round. The 'Greener Side' was the perfect trap! Not only will I rule Little Tokyo, but I'll be so rich I'll be able to buy the rights to my own cartoon show!
Speedy: (scared) THE HORROR!
Jerry: Cheesy's promised me second billing.
Big Cheese: (Holding up the pointy tool, with a grin) Now, which one of you wants to go first?
Speedy, Fran: (cowering) EEP!
N: While the Big Cheese fiddles around with his favourite pointy tool (that just sounds wrong, doesn't it?), the very fate of Speedy and Francine lies within the paws of their cohorts, Polly and Guido!
(Polly and Guido attempt to walk down what feels like the never ending stairway, leading from Peter and Cici's bathroom linen closet … in pitch darkness.)
Polly: (treading behind Guido) Why can't you get your helmet light to work?
Guido: I'm trying! Why can't you get yours to work?
Polly: I'm not wearing my helmet! AH!
(Polly stumbles and falls down the remainder of the stairs – taking Guido with her.)
N: Yep! Speedy and Francine are as good as doomed.
Guido: Well … (groaning and sitting up from the ground) … that's one way to get to the bottom of things!
Polly: Yeah, but the bottom of what?
Guido: Take my hand, I'll try and lead us.
Polly: I can't see your hand!
Guido: Well, hold out your hand then ... (reaching out) … there you are. AGH!
(Infuriated, Polly slaps Guido on the arm. He shrinks his hand away.)
Guido: What the hell was that for?
Polly: That wasn't my hand, Guido!
Guido: (half-smiling) I'm sorry, it's dark!
Polly: I'LL lead us! You good-for-nothing tomcat …
(Polly reaches out for what she thinks is Guido's hand. Guido chuckles.)
Polly: What? What is so funny?
Guido: That's not my hand, babe.
Polly: (doubly infuriated) GUIDO!
(Guido's helmet light suddenly flickers on.)
Guido: What do you know, you located my light switch! OUCH!
(Polly slaps him repeatedly.)
Guido: Ouch ouch OUCH! Enough!
Polly: I should've left you upstairs with Cici and her chainsaw!
(With the aid of Guido's helmet light, Polly and Guido see that they're in la ong, underground tunnel; not unlike a sewer.
Then, all of sudden, from the darkness ahead somebody can be heard shouting 'MAAAAAADMAAAAAAN!'. Polly and Guido recognise his voice immediately.)
Polly, Guido: (turning to eachother) THAT'S SPEEDY!
(Back in the laboratory … )
Fran: I thought you said you were done!
Speedy: I'm about to have a chip forced into my brain so excuse me for embellishing my lines and my dramatic ACTING!
Jerry: Acting schmacting. I've seen roadkill act better then that!
Speedy: Well, at least it's delaying everybody until our imminent rescue!
N: Don't hold your breath.
(The Big Cheese hovers over Speedy, ready to operate.)
Big Cheese: Now hold still! You might feel some excruciating pain behind your right eye, but don't worry! That's completely normal.
Speedy: (struggling like crazy) WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Fran: (also struggling) LEAVE HIM ALONE!
Big Cheese: Quiet, missy! You'll get your turn …
Fran: NORVILLE, CLOSE YOUR NOSTRILS!
Speedy: I'm trying, I'M TRYING!
(Suddenly – )
Guido: (kicking the door down to the laboratory) FREEZE!
(Big Cheese and Jerry hold their hands up on impulse.)
Fran: (smiling) Hugh!
Speedy: (also smiling) Lily-pily!
Big Cheese: (speaking to Jerry) "The robotic ninjas should be bringing them in any second now!" I don't SEE any robotic ninjas, Jerry!
Jerry: (grumbling) Maybe they're late?
Polly: (pointing Speedy's sword towards them) DROP YOUR WEAPON!
(The Big Cheese drops the surgical tool and the chip immediately, with a cheesy grin on his face.)
Big Cheese: I was just going to trim this one's nostril hairs, honest!
Speedy: No he wasn't! He was going to stick that thing up my nose and put a computer chip in my head, turning me into his mindless slave!
Big Cheese: Right. After I trimmed your nostril hairs! Trust me, you need it. AGH!
(Polly kicks the Big Cheese in the head, striking him unconscious.)
Jerry: Uh oh!
(Polly then punches Jerry, also striking him unconscious.)
Jerry: Down I go …
(Jerry lands ontop of the Big Cheese. Polly looks down on them and giggles.)
Polly: I always thought those two made a beautiful couple!
(With the villains out of the way, Polly and Guido go over to Speedy and Francine respectively, freeing them from their binds.)
Guido: Are you guys all right?
Polly: We were so worried!
Fran: (sitting up) We're fine … considering. (Looking to Guido) Did I or did I NOT say there was a man hiding in our closet!
Guido: Yes you did, honey. But you were also the one who said she wanted to be on guard!
Polly: (throwing Speedy his Ginzu sword) Thought you might be needing this, baby cakes.
Speedy: Aw, shucks Lilian! You remembered! You guys got here in the nick of time … (suddenly looking suspicious) … what took you so long anyway?
Polly: What do you mean what took us so long? (Outraged) We were looking for you, dimwit! You weren't exactly easy to find, you know.
Speedy: (glaring over at Guido, eyebrows crossed) Did she make you a sandwich?
Speedy: She never makes me food!
Polly: (rolling her eyes) That's right, Speedy. During our hunt for you and Francine, I stopped to make Guido a sandwich. That makes PERFECT sense!
Guido: Well, she didn't make me a sandwich but she did –
Polly: (shouting over him) GUIDO!
Guido: … fix my helmet light.
Fran: Is this really important right now, guys? Shouldn't we be thinking of a way out of here?
Polly: We know the way out. It's that stairway leading down from Peter and Cici's bathroom.
Guido: Just make sure you side-step the crazy lady thrashing a chainsaw when you reach the top!
Polly: (turning to Speedy and Francine) What was all that stuff about a computer chip?
Speedy: I told you! Big Cheese was going to stick it in my brain to control me. He said that's what he's been doing to all the newlyweds that come in here. It's all part of his latest scheme to take over Little Tokyo. He's says got enough couples to make up an army!
Polly: Well, where are the missing couples? They must be around here some where!
Speedy: Search me!
Guido: Guess we better go looking for them.
Fran: (sighing to herself) Poop. Just when you think it's time go home …
N: Tell me about it. The intrepid trio –
N: Er, I mean the intrepid quartet decide the best way to find out where the missing couples are was to play a little 'good cop, bad cop' with the Big Cheese and Jerry Attric.
(The Cats tie the now conscious Big Cheese and Jerry to the beds which Speedy and Francine previously occupied.)
Polly: (yelling) WHERE ARE THE NEWLYWEDS!
Speedy: (also yelling) TELL US OR WE'LL STICK ALL THESE SURGICAL TOOLS UP BOTH YOUR NOSTRILS AT ONCE!
N: Okay, so they're just playing 'bad cop'!
Jerry: All the missing couples are located in our second laboratory.
Big Cheese: (angered) Jerry, you idiot! How could you answer them so easily?
Jerry: Hey I want to go home too. There's a re-run of the 'Love Boat' I really want to see tonight!
Big Cheese: (suddenly excited) OH OH! Is it the one where Patrick Duffy guest stars? He's dreamy!
(The Cats walk out of the laboratory, locking the Big Cheese and Jerry inside as they continue to discuss tonight's episode of 'The Love Boat'.)
Guido: That was easy!
N: Easy nuthin' …
(At that moment, twelve robot ninjas appear in the near distance … charging straight for them.)
Speedy: (noticing the ninjas) I think I speak for everyone when I say RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! AAAAHHHH!
Polly, Guido, Fran: AAAAHHHH!
(Speedy and Guido, with their helmets lights shining, lead the way. Everyone runs as fast as they can.)
Fran: (talking while running) Did anyone get a location on that second laboratory?
Speedy: (thinking) Eh … come to think of it, no.
Polly, Guido: CRAP!
Speedy: (going to the last resort) NARRATOR!
N: Maybe you should try that door coming up on your right that says 'Second Laboratory'?
Speedy: Hey, thanks!
N: I can't believe I get paid for this …
(Speedy, Guido, Polly and Francine dive through the door and close it just as quickly – locking it tight. Taking a moment to catch their breath, they then look on the scene before them: the second laboratory was at least four times as large as the one they'd just been in. There were rows upon rows of hospital beds … all them occupied by a missing newlywed.)
N: Er, yes … that goes without saying! Speedy, Polly, Guido and Francine each investigate the situation, but as they approach each bed they soon realise everyone's in a deep sleep.
Polly: (clicking her fingers in front of a guy's face) Hello in there? Sir? Hello!
Fran: (standing over someone else) No luck from this end, it's like they've all gone 'round the bend! How are you guys going?
Guido: I got nothing. They're out cold! Not unlike myself on a Sunday morning.
Speedy: This place gives me the willies! It's like a morgue … hey, what's that thing over there?
(Speedy suddenly notices a giant machine on the other side of the room, with a big computer screen. He walks towards it to have a closer look … )
Speedy: (thinking) "Hmm, I wonder if this super computer thingy controls the chips the Big Cheese implanted in everyone's brains?"
(Deciding to test his theory, Speedy presses a large shiny red button. A blaring alarm and a red light immediately goes off.)
Speedy: (falling backwards) WAHA!
Polly: SPEEDY! What did you do?
Speedy: Nothing! I thought it was a video game!
Fran: Video games at a time like this? (Shrieking) AH!
(The guy Francine was inspecting suddenly sits up and grabs her wrist.)
Fran: (scared) GET HIM OFF, GET HIM OFF!
(Guido intervenes, pulling Francine out of the way.)
Guido: Hey buddy, that's no way to treat a lady! AGH!
(A girl suddenly grabs Guido from behind, trying to choke him.)
Guido: (waving his arms frantically) HEY HEY! I know I'm a sexy superhero, but this is RIDICULOUS!
(In that instant, all the newlyweds rise from their beds … their faces blank and their eyes fierce.)
Newlyweds: CRUSH! KILL! DESTORY!
Polly: THEY'RE HOSTILE!
Fran: (sarcastic) Gee, what tipped you off?
Guido: (escaping the girl and running to Polly and Francine) Didn't I say there were gonna be zombies?
Speedy: (joining the group) They're not zombies, they're computer-chipped! Everybody stand back … (unleashing his Ginzu sword) … I'll put an end to this once and for all. The Norville you all knew and loved is gone! Speedy Cerviche is BACK!
Polly: (grabbing Speedy's arm) Speedy, no! They're innocent civilians, you can't catslash them!
Speedy: They're cameos, big deal! We can always animate more.
(The newlyweds advance towards them, step by step … repeating the words 'CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!'. The Cats are cornered against the front door.)
Guido: There's no way out! Those ninjas are still on the other side!
Fran: We're done for!
Speedy: WAIT! I got it! I'll catslash the computer! It's gotta be what's controlling them all – YAH!
(Speedy jumps acrobatically over everyone's heads, landing on the other side of the room. He has a clear shot … )
Speedy: (waving his sword) It's time for you-know-what!
N: Yes ladies and gentlemen, it's the renowned Ginzu sword sequence we like to recycle every episode! You know how it goes …
(Speedy catslahses the machine, turning it to smoke and bolts. All the newlyweds halt in their tracks; shaking their heads and blinking, like they'd just woken up.)
Newlywed One: Hey, what's going on?
Newlywed Two: Where am I?
Newlywed Three: (running towards his wife) Maude!
Newlywed Four: (running towards her husband) Jeremy!
(All the couples dash towards eachother in slow motion, starry-eyed.)
Guido: (repulsed) Gag me …
Polly: (equally as repulsed) I suppose this means we're out of danger.
Fran: Yeah. Who would've thought Speedy would save the day?
Guido: He has to save the day, it's in his contract.
Speedy: (posing triumphantly) TA DA!
N: After Speedy and the rest briefly explained to the newlyweds what had happened, everyone went back up to the surface via Peter and Cici's bathroom stairway. Upon leaving Peter and Cici's house, they were surprised to see cop cars parked all over the street. Wow, there are cops on this show! What the hell have they been doing all this time, eating donuts offscreen?
Big Al: (suddenly appearing) Actually, most of the people you see here are from the secret service.
Speedy, Polly, Guido, Fran: Big Al!
Speedy: What are you doing here, Big Al?
Al: The show's wrapping up soon, so I figured you would've thwart the evil-doing by now … I came down here to get a piece of the action! Exciting, huh?
Guido: Yeah … (looking around) … so what's with the suits?
Al: The secret service? They've been tracking this case for a while. They apparently came here after one of their agents was almost hacked to bits by a woman with a chainsaw!
(Polly and Guido smirk at eachother knowingly.)
Polly, Guido: Cici.
Al: So what happened? Was the Big Cheese behind it?
Fran: No, it was a mad bunch of zombies … (winking at Guido)
Polly: (laughing) We'll explain it to you on the way home, Al!
N: After collecting their bags and things from their 'homes', the Jones' and the Smiths' said goodbye to 'The Greener Side' once and for all! Hopping into Big Al's station wagon and heading back to Little Tokyo.
(Speedy sits shotgun next to Big Al. Polly, Guido and Francine sit in the back.)
Al: So … (chuckling) … how did you all find married life? Any words of wisdom?
Speedy: (yawning) I learned marriage is hard. Nobody cooks for you, you've got ninja people secretly hiding in your house, and you can't watch DVD's!
Guido: Amen, pal! Though I still want to get married some day. I'm holding out for the tuna fish wedding cake … hey!
Polly: Did you forget something?
Guido: The missing garden gnomes! What did the missing garden gnomes mean?
N: I think we'll leave it there, folks. The director's giving me the 'look'. Until next time!
Guido: BUT –
N: THE END!
(Meanwhile, still tied up underground … )
Jerry: I can't believe I'm missing 'The Love Boat'. It started five minutes ago!
Big Cheese: (depressed) It's the end of the show, Jerry. We must've lost again. Think I'll explode now …
Jerry: (terrified) ROLL THE CREDITS!
(The Big Cheese turns red and explodes – predictably.)