Rift: Yes, hello. I've decided to watch the movie Alien...with an Alien. And we will both provide some comments here and there.
Alien: You promised me popcorn, that's the only reason I'm here.
Rift: Um...okay? *hands over popcorn*
Alien: Of course, I might kill you too, I have the whole 'scary killer Alien' thing to uphold. It depends on how this goes.
Rift: No, you won't kill me.
Alien: And what makes you so sure of that?
Rift: You try anything and I'll start singing.
Alien: NO! NOT THAT! (yes, my singing voice is so bad it could be considered a lethal weapon)
Rift: Anyway, let's start the movie.
Alien: Aren't you supposed to have a disclaimer in here somewhere?
Rift: I planned on putting it at the bottom, but since you brought it up I'll just get it over with. *ahem* I do not own the rights to the movie Alien.
Alien: She doesn't even own the movie, she just got it from the library.
Alien: What? It's true.
Rift: *starts the movie*
Alien: Hey, when does the Alien in the movie show up?
Rift: Just be patient, all right?
Alien: But I'm getting bored of these humans piloting their spaceship...
Rift: Shut up and eat you popcorn.
Alien: *eating popcorn*
Rift: ....Does that second mouth/tongue thing in your mouth have a tongue also?
Rift: Well, you have a mouth, but when you open it you have a second mouth/tongue. Does it just keep going like that? Mouth, mouth/tongue, mouth/tongue....
Alien: You don't make much sense..
Rift: Why thank you. Now, let's focus on the movie. Oh, look. The humans have desided to land and look for the origin of the 'strange transmission'.
Alien: NO! DON'T LEAVE THE SHIP!
Rift: Just whose side are you on?
Rift: Let's just keep watching the movie.
*both keep quiet until the scene with the eggs and the facehugger latching on to Kane's face*
Alein: IS THAT WHAT I LOOKED LIKE WHEN I WAS BORN?!
Rift: ...sort of.
Alien: So that's why I can't find any baby pictures in the family photo album.
Rift: You have a family photo album?!
Alien: Um...no. You were just hearing things again. Lay off the sugar and caffeine. And focus on the movie. That's why we're here.
Rift: Oh, right.
*currently watching the scene when Dallas and Ash attempt to remove the facehugger from Kane's face*
Alien: *sing-song voice* Not a good ideaaaa.
Rift: Could you do me a favor?
Rift: Never, ever talk like that again.
Rift: You know, maybe this commentary with you wasn't a good idea. *pauses movie*
Alien: No! I'll be quiet, I promise! I need to know how the movie eeeeeeeends!
Rift: *un-pauses movie*
Alien: May I say something?
Rift: *too focused on chestburster* So cute...
Rift: Awww.... Lookit the widdle chestburster. *hits Alien's head with a spatula* Why can't you stay that cute forever?
Alien: Oww....where did you get that spatula?
Rift: I have no idea. Anyway, you wanted to say something?
Alien: Yes, but now I forgot...
Rift: On with the movie then!
Alien Insane lady...
Rift: You say something?
*movie continues, crew is searching for the chestburster*
Alien: Oh, oh! Is it in the locker? Is it?
Alien: They're opening it! Ahhh! I can't look!
Rift: You know, you're a weird Alien. I thought you wanted to see the movie one, but you're freaking out.
Alien: I blame the popcorn...
*finally, the scene with the full-grown Alien*
Alien: Hojeez, we look scary.
Rift: Hojeez, you is a bit scary.
Alien: Use proper grammar, Rifty.
Rift: DO NOT CALL ME RIFTY!
Alien: You're scarier than me when you're angry.
Rift: AND NO RHYMING!
Alien: Sorry, sorry.
*movie continues, Parker and Lambert go to gather coolant for the shuttle's life-support system*
Alien and Rift: So dead.
Alien: Let's refrain from speaking in unison, it's weird.
Rift: Agreed. Oh, Ripley is looking for Jones!
Rift: The cat! Duh...
Alien: Oh. Why?
Rift: Because cats are awesome.
*Parker and Lambert are killed, Ripley activates the ship's self-destruct and races to the shuttle*
Alien: Dang, you humans sure seem to die a lot.
Rift: Don't get any ideas.
Rift: I can't believe that she dropped the cat and ran! What a---
Alien: Now, now, just calm down. The Alien didn't do anything to Jones.
Rift: *mumbling angrily under her breath*
Alien: And she came back for the cat eventually. See? They're both on the shuttle.
*The Nostromo explodes*
Rift: Pretty explosion!
Alien: It's like fireworks!
Rift: Only bigger!
*scene where Ripley harpoons the Alien and knocks it out of the shuttle*
Alien: That had to hurt...
Rift: Just wait...
*Alien is incinerated by shuttle engines*
Alien: Holy sandwiches?
Rift: Well, that's the end of this movie.
Alien: I want to be here when you watch Aliens.
Rift: Of course. As soon as I find it at the library...
Rift: Well I only have five dollars to my name. Anyway...GOODBYE VIEWERS! Thank you for actually reading the whole thing. You all earned some holy sandwiches.