A.N. – So, my first crackfic! This is for all the girls on the BD fail train, Tigress5cubs, Birgit, Deva, Heavens Immortal, Quirkyalice, Tears_Of_Mercury, Katikittie and everyone else! They're the reason that this chapter will see the light of day. I may make this into a 'Trying to explain the Fail that was Breaking Dawn' series, but probably not.
I don't own Twilight, I'm just trying to make sense of Breaking Dawn!
"Jasper, can you go to the airport for me? I need you to pick up Bella's mom and step-dad for the wedding. Edward can't go, and Emmett's trying to restrain Edward so he doesn't go and jump Bella's bones. Those kids are so sexually frustrated, I don't see why Edward won't actually just do it with her, for God's sake!" Carlisle called down to me. I didn't see why I had to go pick them up, I was the one with the least self-control around humans.
"But Carlisle, I have the crappy self control around humans! I'll probably eat her or something!" I whined up to him. He didn't understand, dumb Saint Carlisle and his perfect self control.
"I heard that!" Edward shouted down to me.
"Do you want a little grape with that whine, Jasper?" Emmett guffawed down to me. He didn't understand, I didn't want to kill humans, but I did. It was a total accident when I did though. Which wasn't too often. I had gotten my five year chip last week, which was a major achievement for me. My attack on Bella a year ago was almost forgotten, thankfully.
"Jasper, go, now!" Saint Carlisle shouted at me, so off I went.
So I went off driving to Port Angeles airport, waiting for Renee and Phil. Renee was drop dead beautiful, with Bella's ivory skin, and blue eyes. Her curly red hair was enchanting, and if Phil hadn't have been there, I probably would have jumped on her. I felt my lust level increase, and everything had a pink tinge to it. I shook my head, and tried to get rid of it.
"Renee, Phil, nice to meet y'all," I drawled, my Texan accent becoming more pronounced than usual. "I'm Jasper Hale, Edward's brother, and Bella's soon-to-be brother-in-law. Can I take your bag?" I asked them. Phil was struggling with them, and I knew I could lift them with my pinkie finger.
"That would be lovely, thank you Jasper!" Renee exclaimed. Her happiness level, which had been low, rose drastically. She didn't want Bella to get married, did she?
We got into the car, and I drove down towards Forks. I had to keep my speed low, because of the humans, but I didn't mind. Renee was so beautiful, I had to have her.
"So, Jasper, you're from the South? What part, might I ask?" Renee asked politely.
"Yes'm, I'm from Texas, along with my twin sister, Rosalie. But we've lived with Carlisle and Esme for a long time now. We're from Texas originally, but when our parents split up I stayed with dad in Texas, and Rose moved with my mom to live with Carlisle and Esme in Alaska. Then Dad died, I moved to Alaska, and then mom died. So we've lived with the Cullens for a long time now,"
"I'm sorry about your parents," Phil said, and then continued staring out the window. I was picking up a feeling of jealousy towards me, but I don't know why.
I continued driving, and when we got to the forest around five miles away, Renee cut her finger on a piece of paper. I stopped the car and pounced.
"Jasper! How could you! It's Bella's MOM for God's sake! How do you think Bella will feel when she finds out that her mother and step-father are DEAD? She'll hate you, and if she hates you she'll hate me, and then this will be ruined. Why, Jasper, why?"
"Alice, I have a solution. I hired two actors who look a bit like Renee and Phil, and they can play them for the wedding. Bella won't be able to see them again, so she won't know. We can stage a fake funeral for them in a few years, and it'll be perfect!"
"Jasper, this is why I love you!"
"AAAALLLLIIIICCCCEEE, JJJJJJJJAAAAAAAASSSSSSSPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR" Edward screamed at us. Oh crap, I think he figured it out.
So, my attempt in making sense of Breaking Dawn. I'm well aware it's not my best writing, but I don't write funny too well, unfortunately!