Dedicated to Michelerene/lexjamandme - because I can.
Warnings: Yaoi, Anal, Oral, Mpreg – and a mesh of medical yet somehow totally off-the-wall way to explain mpreg. Please note that the medical portion of the explanation will go over your head if you didn't do well in (or never took) basic Biology. You've been warned.
Naruto, You're Not Pregnant!
Chapter One: Sympathy Pains
"I'm telling you Baa-chan, I'm pregnant," Uzumaki Naruto said defiantly, crossing his arms over his chest in emphasis. Tsunade (known as Baa-chan to Naruto, and more respectfully Godaime Hokage to others) had a twitch in her eye.
"And I'm telling you Brat, that men can't get pregnant."
"Then how am I pregnant?" Naruto asked grumpily. Tsunade put her hand to her forehead and sighed.
"You're not pregnant. You didn't get pregnant because it is not anatomically possible. The idea that a man could get pregnant is ludicrous, idiotic, and just down right impossible."
"So men can walk on water, spit fireballs out of their mouths, house demons, and summon large animals out of no where and no one finds that odd, but for a man to get pregnant isn't possible...right..." Naruto mumbled to himself.
"What was that?"
"Nothing," Naruto said, rubbing the back of his head nervously. He sighed. "Listen, I know I'm pregnant. I just know it," Naruto said. "I-I've got the symptoms. My breasts-"
"Breasts!" Naruto said exasperated. "My breasts! They've swollen and they're sore," Naruto said, blushing furiously. "I've been more tired recently, and I feel bloated. I've been getting morning sickness the past week or so as well. Not to mention I have really, really bad cramps," Naruto said.
Tsunade put her face in her hands, and proceeded to shake her head. She took a deep breath and then lifted her hand from her palms and looked at Naruto.
"Naruto. You – are – not – pregnant. It is not possible," Tsunade said.
"But the symptoms-"
"Are for women!" Tsunade bellowed. "I did a medical check-up on you, and everything was fine. As for the throwing up, it is probably just some unhealthy food choices on your part, not morning sickness. You are perfectly normal. Or as normal as you can be anyway," Tsunade amended. Naruto growled, and then slammed his fist down on Tsunade's desk.
"You don't understand! I am pregnant," Naruto snarled. Tsunade's eyes narrowed, and she stood up slowly from her desk, putting her face right in front of Naruto's.
"I don't know what's gotten into you Naruto, but you are most definitely not pregnant," Tsunade murmured acidly back.
"But, all the symptoms-"
"You're being ridiculous!" Tsunade said, frustrated. She sighed. "I'll even do a pregnancy test on you to prove it to you that you're not pregnant."
Naruto huffed at this statement, but didn't argue any further since Tsunade finally seemed to take him seriously and would finally conduct a pregnancy test. He watched the Hokage mutter darkly to herself about how if he were anyone else she would have put a fist in his face at the way he treated her. She rummaged through her drawers, clearly looking for something to "prove him wrong" as Tsunade muttered again. Naruto couldn't hold back a grin as Tsunade shot him several dark looks for his attitude. The grin vanished from his face when Tsunade took out the something she was looking for, and grinned at him wickedly.
"What is that?" Naruto asked. Tsunade nearly rolled her eyes as she waved around the stick like thing in her hand. He had a feeling he knew what it was, but he had expected another method. Wasn't there some sort of chakra linked medical technique to check for pregnancy?
"This, you ungrateful brat, is a pregnancy test. You get to pee on it," Tsunade said. Naruto grumbled to himself.
"Fine," he said snappishly, grabbing the stick like thing he was supposed to pee on in order to tell him that he was pregnant. He left the Hokage's office grumbling to himself how he would prove her wrong as he headed to find the nearest men's room.
Five minutes later, Naruto came back in, pregnancy test stick in hand. Naruto frowned down at it, trying to understand what the weird colors meant.
Tsunade, after refusing to touch the stick claiming that that would be disgusting since he had peed on it, and the pursing argument from Naruto that she was a medical nin and should therefore be able to handle such things, Tsunade finally stood peering over Naruto's shoulder to look at the results. She snorted.
"You're not pregnant," Tsunade said firmly, turning away from the result, heading back to her desk. Naruto stared down at the stick in disbelief.
"Yes I am! This thing is wrong. I know that I-"
"Enough!" Tsunade bellowed. "Naruto, you are not making any sense. There is no reason that you would be pregnant. It's just not possible," Tsunade said, her voice getting quieter and softer at the end. She looked at Naruto sadly, seeing how upset he looked to find out that he was not pregnant.
"I am," Naruto repeated firmly. Tsunade merely shook her head.
"Naruto," Tsunade said, starting out slowly, "I can see that you really want to be pregnant. I must admit that I'm a bit flabbergasted as to why. However!" Tsunade said, raising her voice and holding up her hand as Naruto began to interrupt, "It is clear that you think that you are. Now, the question is, why on earth would you think that you're pregnant? Why would you believe something like that? And most interestingly enough, who do you think the mother – or should I say father – is?"
Naruto rubbed the back of his head, slightly embarrassed.
"That's a bit of an interesting story, but that's not the point! The point is that I have my reasons, and I know I'm pregnant," Naruto said, nodding his head for emphasis.
"As stubborn as ever," Tsunade growled out. Tsunade closed her eyes, feeling a headache coming on. She should start making Naruto bring her a bottle of sake every time that he came to her from now on so that way she could drink away the issues he brought her. She opened her eyes again and decided to try a different approach. "Do you know of anyone who is currently pregnant?" Tsunade asked.
Naruto shook his head.
"Do you hang around any females on a regular basis?" Tsunade asked. Naruto rolled his eyes.
"Sakura of course. You know we still train regularly in case we hear word of where Sasuke is," Naruto said. Tsunade nodded. She did know that. It was hard to forget about Uchiha Sasuke when Naruto and Sakura pestered her for information, any information, that might lead to his whereabouts since he had gone missing after the downfall of Akatsuki. Tsunade was fairly certain he was dead. Sakura and Naruto would never believe it, no matter the proof.
"Do you think Sakura could be pregnant?" Tsunade asked.
"What? Why would she be pregnant?" Naruto asked, confused. Tsunade shot him a look that clearly asked, and why would you be pregnant?
"The only reason I can think of that might explain why you are having these symptoms is that you might be around a pregnant female. It is not uncommon for men – usually husbands who live with their wives – to have the same symptoms of pregnant women. The same thing goes for menstruation. Some men experience sympathy pains when their wives and lovers get their period. I wondered if you were perhaps getting sympathy symptoms with a pregnant female that you were particularly close to. That might explain the pains; they're nothing more than sympathy pains to a pregnant female."
"Sympathy pains? That sounds stupid," Naruto said.
"Except that my 'stupid' story is clinically proven to occur, where as your stupid idea is just stupid," Tsunade bit out. "So it appears that you are fine, and unless you knocked Sakura up and are so emotionally attached to her that you are moving through the same motions of pregnancy, you are not pregnant."
"Are you pregnant or something man?" Suigetsu asked. Sasuke glared at Suigetsu, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, looking away disgustedly from where he had just thrown up his breakfast.
"No," Sasuke hissed.
"But you keep puking your guts every morning like a pregnant chick," Suigetsu said, pointing at the pile of vomit where Sasuke had just emptied his stomach.
"Honestly. Sasuke-kun is a man. Men don't get pregnant Suigetsu! Why in the world would you ask something so stupid like that? Clearly Sasuke-kun is ill. He's probably just so sick of seeing your ugly face for so long it made him physically ill," Karin said flippantly, as she tossed her hair behind her shoulder.
"He's probably more sick of having you try and seduce him than anything to do with me. That's got to be it! Karin, stop making Sasuke sick," Suigetsu said, grinning his sharp teeth at her.
Suigetsu ducked as Karin took several swings at his head. He just laughed as he ran around Sasuke, Karin following him swinging wildly.
"You two are both childish," Jugo said, looking at them with a frown. Neither of them paid any attention to him as Karin continued to chase Suigetsu.
"Stop," Sasuke said quietly. Nonetheless, the almost palpable death threat laced behind the words made Suigetsu and Karin stop in their tracks immediately. Karin turned to look at Sasuke apologetically.
"Sorry Sasuke-kun. I just wanted to make sure you knew I will always defend your honor and pride," Karin practically chirped. Suigetsu rolled his eyes.
"Sasuke, no offense dude, but I'm not joking when I say I think you're preggers. I heard Kabuto was doing some pretty crazy experiments to try and get more little Uchihas. I mean, think about it. Once the body jutsu was up in three years, Orochimaru would need another body. Well oops! No more Sasuke's body with the cool sharingan and all that shit. He was trying to get you to spout out your little sperm into chicks to repopulate the Uchiha clan, but clearly that didn't work," Suigetsu said. He looked at Karin. "But if Orochimaru gave me this thing here to try and mate with, I don't blame you for not doing it either. Probably better in the long run." Suigetsu ducked away from Karin's swinging arms again.
"I am well aware of the offers that Orochimaru made to have me get involved with a harem. Why would I waste time on such a trivial thing when I could be training?" Sasuke hissed. Suigetsu held up his hands, more afraid of Sasuke's wrath than of Karin.
"I was just saying what I heard. I dunno why you wouldn't want to train. But, seriously, what I'm trying to tell ya is that when I was in that lab you rescued me from, I saw some pretty freaky shit going down. Kabuto had tried, and I'm pretty sure, succeeded in getting a guy pregnant."
"That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," Sasuke stated bluntly.
"Yeah, well, we're talking Orochimaru here. When has he ever been sane? No, what I'm saying is that since you weren't producing little Uchihas, he was going to try and make your body asexual. Was there ever a time that you don't remember what was going on and Kabuto was with you?" Sasuke actually paused, looking thoughtfully disturbed, but Karin spoke up in his defense.
"Sasuke-kun, I wouldn't believe a word out of his mouth! He's just making up a bunch of nonsense," Karin said, glaring at Suigetsu. Suigetsu shrugged.
"I'm trying to explain what I heard, and I keep getting interrupted. Let me finish before you jump down my throat," Suigetsu said, finally starting to get really annoyed with Karin.
"Continue," Sasuke all but commanded.
"Sasuke-kun! You can't really be taking him serious-" The look on Sasuke's face told her that yes he was being serious. Karin's words died on her lips.
"From what I heard, when Orochimaru's spirit takes over a body, he keeps his little Orochimaru sperm so when he procreates and all that fun stuff, he can still make little Orochimaru babies. Just what we all want! The problem lies in the fact that you're a guy, and you can't have little Uchiha babies. So, my guess is they were trying to figure out a way to make it so that Orochimaru would be able to get your body pregnant. Basically they were trying to figure out how to turn you into a woman with a penis so you could – well, so Orochimaru could – create Uchiha and Orochimaru babies."
There was silence for a minute.
"That's just disgusting," Karin said, shuddering at the mental image that Suigetsu's description had just caused.
"Yeah, well, Orochimaru was disgusting," Suigetsu agreed.
"And how did they go about proposing to do this?" Sasuke asked.
"From what I could figure out, it had something to do with your belly button-"
"The belly button? Oh come on! This is just ridiculous!" Karin interrupted again.
"Shut up," Sasuke hissed angrily. Karin shrank back in fear.
"Yes, the belly button. Since you know when you get a boner, and how when you lay down your penis comes up around your naval? I think the idea had something to do with the fact that when you squirt out your happies-"
"Your happies?" Sasuke interrupted this time.
"Yeah! Your happies – your sperm!" Suigetsu explained, rolling his eyes, "That your happies would pool down into your belly button and get absorbed there. Not quite sure how exactly, but anyway, then they would go into your tummy and bingo! Babies are created."
"That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Impregnation through the naval! What nonsense!" Karin shrieked out, turning to look at Sasuke. "Sasuke-kun, I am sure Suigetsu is just-"
"So theoretically speaking, I could impregnate myself if I were to ejaculate my sperm and allow it time to soak onto my stomach, correct? Or another male could impregnate me if his sperm were to pool into my naval?" Sasuke murmured thoughtfully.
"Isn't that what I just explained?" Suigetsu asked irritably.
"That's...different. And disturbing," Sasuke murmured, looking both intrigued and troubled.
"Wait a minute. You look like you believe me. Do you think you're pregnant?" Suigetsu asked. Karin looked at Sasuke incredulously.
"You don't seriously believe him, do you?" she asked mortified.
"We're moving out," Sasuke said, ignoring both of them.
"Dude – have you been jerking off and got yourself pregnant? Or was it someone else?" Suigetsu asked excitedly.
"I said, we're moving out," Sasuke hissed, and all further discussion stopped. At least, all discussion to his face stopped.
Suigetsu and Jugo followed Sasuke and Karin through the forest that Sasuke had directed them to on their latest self-assigned mission, speaking in hushed voices lest Sasuke here.
"He doesn't seem like the type to jerk off," Suigetsu mused thoughtfully.
"He doesn't seem like he has any desire to be sexual at all," Jugo put out. Suigetsu shook his head.
"I dunno about that. Do you remember that blond teammate of his?" Suigetsu asked. Jugo looked at Suigetsu with an eyebrow raised.
"Yes, but Sasuke hasn't seen him in months."
"That we know of. It's not like he hasn't gone off on his own without us before. There have been plenty of opportunities for them to have a nice little fuck. I mean, whenever Sasuke talks about that guy, Sasuke just seems to get this look in his eyes that is just...different," Suigetsu noted. Jugo shrugged.
"If you're implying that Sasuke is having a secret love affair with his former blond teammate, I don't know enough to say yes or no to that. The point is, whatever the case, I think that you may be onto something with Sasuke. I think you're right. I think he's really pregnant."
"Discussing me behind my back is very rude," Sasuke hissed coldly, suddenly appearing behind the two shinobi. They both stiffened at Sasuke's sudden appearance.
"Sorry," they said, both trying not to tremble.
"Don't let it happen again."
"I am pregnant!" Naruto sighed to himself as he sat on top of the Hokage's mountain, knowing that he was going to be a father.
Poor Naruto. He was only half right.
He had no idea that he really wasn't pregnant. He also had no clue that Sasuke was.
Next Chapter: Speculation
Chapter 2 and chapter 3 have the most "medical" explanations in them. The rest is rather off-the-wall. Either way, I hope you enjoy the fic! ~ Jelp