AN: This is an AU fic, but kept close to canon. It takes place in mid new moon, but some events from the other books will be in here.
Disclaimer: If I owned the books, there would be less teen angst. I also don't own Edward's quotes in italics either, and credit goes to Samael for the poem. *Goes off to cry*
Warnings: Angst Bella and some pretty moody werewolves.
That said- enjoy!
A crown of thorns is still a crown
I am a king in a kingdom of sufferingI have taken my time to reach this stageI have taken pains to torture myselfTo descend, to descendInto pain, I existAnd if my brain is numbedThe thorn in my fleshCan overcome apathy
There is glory in humiliationA throne to be taken, a crown to win
I have no more tearsAnd my smile has lost its brillianceI have forgotten who I wasI have killed my emotionsCrushed, empty, wearyAlways standing, I am a treeAwaiting the lightningCrown - Samael
Chapter one: Déjà vu'
"Bella I don't want youto come with me. I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human. You're not good for me, Bella. Don't worry. Your human-- your memory is no more than a sieve. It will be as if I'd never existed. Time heals all wounds for your kind. My kind…we're very easily distracted. Goodbye, Bella."
Those words are repeated over and over again, no matter how many times I shove them away from me. No matter how hard I tried to stay under, sadly it just got louder as time passed.
Yes time passes, in strange ways. It pulls and drags; its unending, even though I'm amazed to notice it. Or anything else- I feel under something, like waves. Sleeping beneath them, pressed close against them as the rest of world passes. The lull makes everything foggy and obscure. Like a dirty pane of glass, my vision is warped.
Then I heard his voice-I felt so grateful to hear it. Even if it made me crazy, or was just what I wanted to hear-it didn't matter. It felt like a gift to still hear his voice, yelling at me-it proved he still cared. Even though I know that is not the case; just wishful thinking on my part. I would think that- no matter how painful it was, or the fact I didn't really deserve it.
The dream of the forest still frightened me, and somehow my numbness didn't return. Which scared me a bit, because without it, I was ragged inside. My ripped heart, strangled lungs, and dirty blood had been damaged beyond repair. Broken beyond repair.
But then, there was Jacob. He helped to ease the raggedness, even though it was selfish of me to be around him. I was selfish to spurn anything to just drive back my own problems. Its foolish of me to encourage my crazy fantasies, but I'll do only that, but not think of them. Just keep it below the surface-just enough to have it there, far away enough to keep me safe. Even if I don't deserve safe, I have to here him. It's become my addiction. That and Jacob, he has become my brand of heroine.
Then my personal sun eat away at itself-or rather just obliterated itself with a bitter violence. He is no longer just mine anymore, he belongs to Sam now. He has taken my sun away from me, so now I live in shadows again, obscured from anything. My new addiction doesn't mesh well with my old one.
I returned from La Push, answerless from Jacob's situation. I couldn't take another beating; my insides were already clawed to pieces. There is only one place left-the meadow.
I hold my frame together in my arms to keep from completely falling apart. Which doesn't help me walk through dense foliage. A branch whips into my face, scratching me. I can find my way surprisingly way, however, I must have remembered it from-.
The clearing is in sight now. A soft, circular field surrounded by high, thick trees whose leaves filter the sunlight. A breeze blew by, ruffling my hair and chilling my skin. That wind seemed to blow me over; I hug myself tighter to keep myself from spilling out, and breaking on the ground.
The grass prickles my cheek, and it takes me a moment to realize that I'm on the ground now. I wish the pain would go away somehow, even though I probably deserve it somehow. I don't really feel like moving; another breeze smashed into me, and my thoughts did the same
He doesn't want you
You aren't worthy of him
You caused him pain
You are human
You are weak
You cannot protect others
You are useless
They were assaulting me, like wind's harsh cutting. Each truth pounding insistently on my body. I have no idea how long I've been lying here, but it doesn't matter. In the back of my mind, I hear a twig snap; I don't even have enough energy to look up. Dead leaves rustled around me, and branches cracked back and forth. The sounds were harsh, and became louder.
I slowly turned over, before bolting upright: there before me was a vampire. The meadow seemed to emphasize her beauty, making it look again mysterious and magical. She looked like she belonged there, with the hazy, lush forest. Her statuesque body exuded grace, with pale skin that was sheathed in tight clothing.
The wind whipped through her vicious, wild red hair, making it look more untamed than it already was; wide dark eyes bored into me.
I can feel goose bumps on my arms, and the hair on the back of may neck stand. I'm strangely relieved to see her; a tangible thing that proved the supernatural existed, made this place magical again. Made me pretend I had a place in their secret world again.
She smiled at me in a way that sent off alarm bells in my head; no matter how much I'd like to see a piece of my old life again, I must get away. Her teeth gleamed briefly before her exquisitely carved lips closed over them. She was pleased at something, as though she was thinking about a very funny inside joke.
I stared; her voice was nothing like I'd imagined it. Girlish and bubbly when I expected low and sultry.
"H-hi." It was hard not to stare.
" I was only passing through when I smelled you." her voice was filled with a lilting urgency.
"O-oh." my voice quivered; her eyes locked onto mine.
" Is your…mate around?" she sounded casual.
I jumped; he sounded irritated. I didn't expect to hear him, so this must be more dangerous than I had realized. My instincts must be getting rusty.
"Y-yes he is. He'll be back soon." I hoped that I sounded sincere; my heart sped up traitorously.
"Mm-mh." I tried to sound as casual as possible.
"I'm surprised he left you all alone. Its dangerous to keep pets off their leashes." she sounded a tad malicious underneath her curiosity.
I flinched at the sound of it; I could see her eyes light up with some sort of understanding she gained from my reply. My eyes jumped up from their grass watching and looked at her. She was satisfied by something.
"Well I suppose he won't mind if I help myself…" her eyes looked like two pools of ink, glassy with hunger.
"They'll be angry-you'll be sorry." my voice didn't sound as threatening as it was supposed to be.
"Really? You don't seem to be that important to him."
I flinched again; she clawed at an already gaping hole, tearing another chunk into it. She smiled-she knew she had hit something. She flashed another smile at me; my legs shook. I stumbled backwards, and nearly tripped over something. She glided towards me, moving faster than I never would.
I inhaled sharply-she was only a few inches from me. Her eyes seemed to drink me in, roving over me. I couldn't move.
I only figured out what happened after it happened. The pain in my stomach was…painful. Bile rose up, as my stomach tried to untwist itself. I wheezed up anything that had come up. Victoria hadn't moved from where I previously was, eyeing me with disgust.
Victoria had punched me in the stomach.
" That's a shame."
Another blow came, it happened so fast. Lights popped and twirled set to the music of breaking ribs. One, two, three…
The world was spinning, it was too hard to pinpoint each place she touched-pain bloomed at the lightest provocation. Her voice I could still hear, and with each blow she hurled razor insults at me.
Arm snapped like a twig.
"No wonder he didn't want you."
Pain everywhere-tangible despair. Now I had physical wounds to match my metaphorical ones. Blow after blow, and the world was spinning. I could hear her voice, shrill and furious, drilling into my body.
"Monster!" She screamed.
She smacked me full in the face, and my senses seemed to short out for a moment. I could taste copper in my mouth; Victoria inhaled sharply. She smelled it the moment it splattered out of my mouth and colored my lips like garish make-up.
Her eyes were so black they merely looked like two pits drug into her face. Lovely lips parted to reveal bared slick teeth. Her hands caught me in an iron vice, keeping me in place. I only whimpered in fear. She inhaled my scent before pressing chilled lips onto my neck. My heart battered itself against my insides; my body couldn't stop shaking. I could feel her teeth-
Inside. Wet, poison covered teeth. Slid into my skin like pen on paper. Blood. Rippling, gushing into her mouth like a infant feeding from her mother; gliding like a stream to a river.
I go limp, not caring that her body is crushing into me. I can feel hers shuddering next to mine; pale fingers gripping me, searing my skin with cold. I'm being pulled under, my heartbeat drags along. It's clogged, being lulled to sleep. It almost feels good.
Everything is disappearing, vision is getting foggy and sounds are a soft buzzing. I can't even feel the hole in my chest; even that pain doesn't hurt. The only thing I feel is the vibration of Victoria's moan; I must be tasty.
I feel so light now, maybe I'm floating, and I'll look down to see the ground looking small. I feel so far away now, that I can even think of him now.
Edward, Edward , Edward, Edward, I love you. I love you so much Edward. I'll never stop loving you. Goodbye Edward.
Snarling. Thump. Something fell. Colors are swirling around, just like all the sounds. Golden-brown and black growl, and something soft is next to me.
An explosion of sound.
Everything that was slowly fading is rushing back. Sensations tangling themselves till they smash together. Fur, brown, mud, spice, wind, skin, grass, snarls, hair, screams, sun, and pain.
The noises are loud, with high screams and vicious snarls. The crashing of boulders into granite. Awful ripping noises, with wet slashes and gurgles.
Blurs rushing by, large things of different colors surrounding one lone flame; it looks like a demented carousel. The ground is shuddering with their weight-it hurts my already trembling self.
I'm on fire-its searing into my bones, burning them into dust. Scorching my veins, leaving nothing inside me un-burned. Its ripping my flesh, turning its edges black. Organs smoked and collapsed on each other-exposed skin curled at the edges, and smoke coiled out of my eyes.
Everything is blurry, even when one of the big blurs comes towards me. The blurs sped along; I must be flying now. I hope I don't fall, but the a hot grip held onto me, no matter how hard I tried to shake it. I couldn't escape it, every time I tried, it gripped on tighter. Each shudder and stop rattled me to the core; now there were more of the blurs, and they made noises.
Anxious rasps and angry growls surrounded me, thick smells that rolled of them choke my lungs. I could smell faint traces of the ocean. I wish there was someway it could extinguish the fire.
I'm not flying anymore, but shaking. The fire was rougher now, ripping through everything, and slamming into me, and pinning me to itself. Everything hurt, making the growling sounds somehow crazier. Then it became to blurry to see.
All I felt was pain. A pain so surreal and never ending that it didn't seem describable. Clouding everything else up, distorting all but the pain. I'm not sure how much time had passed, but when my eyes were clear enough to see, I looked up to see one angry Jacob Black looking back at me.