I apologize heartily in advance for this.

For added effect, remember to have Dan Green read these lines in your head at his hammiest best.


"Are you ready for this?"

"Of course!"

He's actually a little surprised at himself, challenging the pharaoh himself to a game. But it's just a friendly match inside Yami's soul room late at night when Yugi can't get to sleep, he reminds himself. It doesn't mean anything.

That thought doesn't stop him from getting excited at his chance to test himself against the one who probably deserves the title of King of Games more than he does.

Yugi wonders if the monsters will materialize here – he sort of thinks anything is possible in Yami's soul room, what with the upside down rooms and sideways stairs. "I'll go first," Yami says. I guess I'll find out soon enough, Yugi thinks, preparing himself for the worst and hoping the hand he had drawn would help. "I play... Lingering Touch in attack mode!"

"W-w-w-what!?" Yugi exclaims. "That's not – that's no monster!"

"That's because we're playing a slightly different game," Yami explains, his expression deadly serious, but his eyes seem oddly warm.

Yugi's almost afraid to ask, "What kind of game?"

"You'll see. I'll also play the Lingering Gaze magic card, which extends the effect of my other card!"

And before Yugi can do much of anything, Yami has reached over the cards on the ground between them to cup a hand on his cheek and look directly at his eyes. Yugi feels his face growing warm as his confusion just grows. At the same time, he's not exactly motivated to move. Certainly he'll get some sort of explanation – once it's his turn. After what seems like forever, Yami draws back, letting his fingertips trace along the side of his cheek as he leaves.

"Do you see now, Yugi? After all, you were the one to challenge me to a duel. Don't tell me you didn't even know the rules?"

Floored, his cheeks still burning, he looks down at his own hand. He could have sworn that just a second ago he had held Duel Monsters, but now...

He feels his whole body growing warm as he reads the effects of the cards he actually holds.

"You tricked me! You were the one who had these decks in the first place!" He should have known something was odd about that.

"I got them from your soul room, partner," Yami tells him while quirking an eyebrow.

"But – but – "

"Do you surrender?"

"Of course not!" This is his chance to prove himself, and if the game is a little unorthodox, well – he figures it's okay if his subconscious mind is a little perverted. After all, he is only sixteen. He looks over his hand again, wondering if he could even bring himself to even do half of what the cards' instructions involve. "Okay, I'll play..." Yugi swallows, then forces himself to just go through with it. "Remove Clothing 1!"

The pharaoh 'hmphs' and obediently takes off his jacket, casting it carelessly aside. "I guess you're not wasting any time." Yugi fiddles with his fingers in embarrassment.

"If you're done... ?" Yugi nods. "Then I'll combine my Lingering Touch card with Peck on the Lips, creating the Lingering Chaste Kiss! And my magic card is still in effect."

Yugi is caught between pulling away and being frozen in place as Yami pulls him in close by the shoulders to catch his lips in a gentle kiss. He opens his eyes as the contact slowly fades away, though he doesn't remember when he closed them. The other seems inordinately proud of himself. "I'll place one card face down and end my turn."

That's fine... I can do better. He's sort of worried about what he has to do to get rid of Yami's cards – and do they even have life points? – let alone what the conditions are for winning. It's probably best not to think about it until later. "Okay, so, I draw a card and... I'll play this face down and end my turn."

"Then I will sacrifice my cards on the field to play this card face down. I will also end my turn at that."

Oh, come on! He's not exactly sure what he wanted, but he's frustrated all the same. "Fine, I'll play, um, Butterfly Kisses."

"Sorry, Yugi, but don't forget about my face down card!" He turns it over, revealing - "French Kiss! It's power beats yours, allowing me to launch a counterattack!"

But before Yami could reach his goal, Yugi grins and flips over his own trap card. His grin falters. I'd really rather not read this out loud... I guess it could be worse. "I activate Necking!" he says. The only way this could be worse would be if his voice had cracked. "I intercept your attack, and leave you unable to retaliate for one turn!"

Now is the hard part. Yami looks at him expectantly – he really does have to act out the card in lieu of monsters appearing. But that puts into his head the thought of the monsters acting out these things, and he just can't help himself – he starts snickering. "Something funny, partner?"

"Uh, never mind," Yugi mumbles, and scoots closer to Yami, but is blocked by an outstretched hand. "Huh?"

"You can't play that card right now," he says, and by way of explanation he points at the collar around his neck. "Your defenses are useless."

Yet again he is pulled close, but this kiss is much more rough and despite his better judgment he finds himself willingly opening his mouth to accept the assault. He is released back to his side, slightly breathless and ruffled. The other, however, looks perfectly composed. "Your move, Yugi."

Dang it! I can't believe that even counted... I'll just have to get rid of it! Wait, what am I thinking? Then again, his best bet is to try for more of the cards like his first. It's not as if he really minds Yami's attacks... He draws his next card and breathes a sigh of relief, playing it on the field. "I'll play Remove Accessory!"

"A little late for that, don't you think?" But nonetheless the other raises his neck to remove the collar. He draws another card, looks at it appraisingly, then places it face down to join the other. Yugi starts to feel a little uneasy about what could be waiting beneath those cards. "That's all for my turn."

Now he's really nervous. He knows that look. He even makes the same expression himself when he's set a particularly good trap. Yugi draws his card and considers his hand. He has to do something... "I'll play... B-Biting in attack mode," he says, voice wavering, half afraid of Yami's traps, half afraid of actually having to do what the card says to.

But Yami doesn't activate his cards, whatever they are, so Yugi has no choice but to crawl onto his lap and nip gently at his ear. "It has an added effect of making you unable to make any direct attacks for one turn," he whispers while he's there. Yami shivers slightly.

"That's all right," he says, composing himself. In fact, he looks extremely happy. Yugi blanches. "I don't need to attack directly." He places one more card down, and then flips over the other two he had already placed with a slight dramatic flair. "I have all three levels of Remove Clothing, and when played together they become Complete Strip!"

"What? No!"

"Yes," and he seems to be taking far too much enjoyment at Yugi's reaction for his own good. "I may not be able to touch you, but I can certainly make you do the work for me!"

Oh man, that sounded terrible... though he could have worded that in a worse way... He swallows thickly and starts to take off his own jacket to join Yami's slightly larger and darker one, fully aware of the other's eyes tracing his every move. Next he pulls his black tank over his head – and his hair just sort of falls back into place, it's funny like that – and discards it in the pile. He hesitates at his two belts, looking at Yami pleadingly.

"It's called Complete Strip for a reason," Yami reminds him mercilessly.

Yugi stands to shuffle off his pants as quickly as possible, pulling his boxers with them, and then plops right back down on the ground with his knees curled up to his chest self-consciously. He still has his bracelets and collar, but oddly they just serve to make the rest of him seem more naked. Yami grins at him, not unkindly, and reminds him, "Your turn."

There's nothing I can really do with these cards, he thinks. Everything he has would require him to play a clothing removal card first. He does have a trap card, but, then again, it's not like he'd mind if he could just skip his turn... "I'll pass," he says, proud of how it comes out only slightly strangled.

Now the grin looks distinctly predatory. "Because you have no more defenses, I can play a high level card without sacrificing." What kind of rule is that!? "So I will play... Fellatio!"

"Huh?" Yugi asks. "I've never heard of that..."

"Oh, you'll see. Lower your legs." Some of Yugi's fear must be showing in his eyes – Yami's expression softens. "Trust me."

There really isn't anything to be ashamed of, he reasons. At some point Yami must have seen him naked anyway. When two people share a body there isn't much they can hide from each other, after all. "Okay," Yugi says and lets go of his knees, dropping his cards carelessly as he does so.

Suddenly he finds himself flat on the ground. He props himself up on his elbows in time to see the pharaoh settle between his legs and place his hands on his hips. I wonder how many people the pharaoh has bowed to before, is his silly and giddy thought before everything sort of wooshes out of his head along with the gentle puffing of breath he can feel that makes him try to squirm under the restricting hands.

He wants to keep his eyes open but they flutter shut despite his best effort as Yami draws closer -

only to snap back open at the sound of a car backfiring somewhere outside, leaving him over-warm and breathless and under his covers, very much in his real room and not his soul room. He hesitates for a moment, trying to clear his head and figure out if what just happened was real – or as real as it could be – or just a dream, but there are more pressing matters to attend to.

Yugi realizes he must look extremely ridiculous right now, waddling as stealthily as possible to the bathroom, hoping that Grandpa doesn't catch him – don't think about Grandpa! But he'll care about that later; right now he can only focus on the throbbing between his legs. Biting his lip and holding onto the counter with a white-knuckle grip, it's not long until his knees buckle and he has to hold back some pathetic whimpers.

After washing up and sneaking back to his room, the full ramifications of what just happened hits him all at once. He feels shaky, but he doesn't think it's just because of what he did – there's no way that could have gone without notice. "Oh man, I can't believe this, what is he going to think?"

"Yugi? Is something the matter?"

Great, the last person he wants to see, even if he is semi-transparent. "N-nothing."

But the pharaoh knows him too well and remains where he is, waiting silently. Yugi fiddles with his blankets, hoping none of his thoughts are as wide open as they feel. Finally he surrenders. It's better to get it over with, he reasons. "Can you see my dreams?"

"What makes you ask such a question? ... No, Yugi, I can't."

"No reason," Yugi mumbles and hides himself under the sheets. "Just forget about it."


If you're curious, Yugi's trap card he didn't play was called Cockblock.


No, seriously.