So my boyfriend lent me his ps2...and KH XD i have to say although the style of game is definatly not my favourite i am enjoying it. still trying to get used to donald duck....

Naturally it didnt take me long to start reading the fanfic, although the same problem plauges kh fanfic as does ff fanfic and naruto fanfic-that being imature yaoi fan know the type XD

still there are some true gems in here ^^ and since i just got my writing bug back it seems only natural to do some KH ^^ i'll say right now though that i'm only half way thru wonderland...^^; i dont know the charactedrs that well only what i've read and been told about them...

Are you ever really free? Can you ever truly escape? Sometimes it feels like no matter how hard I pull away this, this darkness it pulls me back…there's nothing I can do…

The sun's to bright, the wind to harsh, everything to noisy. I don't remember when I started to feel this way, I just remember the last time it happened, the things I lost then. I don't wanna lose them again, but I don't really wanna stop myself from falling either…at least that way is a direction I'm going somewhere.

You wouldn't peg me as the depressive type, no one does. Its so easy to put on a face, to smile, laugh, pretend. Sometimes I wanna shout at them, scream at them for being so blind, you're my best friends how, how can you not notice? Sometimes I hate them, resent them, their happiness, the fact they don't even notice. Then I remember; they're not supposed to notice are they. Then I remember this is how it happened the first time, I sunk so low, so far, so fast, no one could help.

We moved away for a second chance, someone sunnier, my mom said, nice and cheerful. I tried mom, I really did, I tried not to fall again.

"Hey, hey Riku" I could hear Kairi in the background calling me, she'd invited me over to hers later for dinner and movies, just like old times she said. I wasn't going, recently I didn't trust her anymore all the girls wanted in on me why would she be any different?

"Fine" I heard her call after me "Walk away, this is the last time I try and be nice to you, I don't know what happened Riku, but you're not the same anymore. Ass"

I snorted everyone's the fucking same, I'm always the problem, I'm always the one that's changed, I know I've not been myself lately, a little quiet perhaps but it can't that bad, to accuse me of changing. I hate her more than the others she so fricking perfect, smart, pretty, thinks she knows so much about me just cause we've known each other since we were kids.

I stop, I'm at my house, my mom's car is there, so is my dads and another one-unidentified. My mom's never home and we rarely have guests, this can't be good.

I walk in bracing myself for the worst, I'm greeted instead by three worried faces my mom, my dad and …someone else, someone I don't know, she has a badge…Doctor, my face goes pale. All this time I've hated them for not noticing and now they have I realise, I don't want them to, let this stay a secret…please.

"Riku, honey" I could tell my mom was trying to act like everything was normal, she had her 'normal' voice on, the one that lets you know nothing's ok "can you sit down for a sec"

I sat, I didn't take of my shoes or my bag, not like I want them to think I'm staying

"Were worried about you, lately you've been…" she paused "Different"

I could tell, what she meant was 'like before' I suppose at least I can rest happy they learnt something from last year. Lucky me.

"I'm fine" I'm pretty sure lying won't work but it's worth a try

"No you're not" the strange lady spoke up now "I've read the file from last year, and I've spoken with your parents about your behaviour recently. You're showing all the signs of a relapse, it's about the same time of year I know you've been having some arguments at school. Its not uncommon for those who suffer with depression to relapse"

I turned to her trying to decide whether I could be bothered to be angry "You don't know me, don't try and pretend you do just because you read some file and stalked me a for a bit" I settled on cold and creepy, I do cold and creepy well, I guess I have enough practice

She sighed "Were trying to help you."

"I don't want your help, there's nothing wrong with me, I'm tired, I'm in the middle of exams, things are strained between myself and friends."

"Riku…"my mom looked like she was going to cry "we want to stop this before you end up in the same position" her eyes flicked towards me and then upwards slightly. I couldn't help but smirk I knew she was thinking of 'the incident'. I wasn't trying to kill myself, she just overreacted. I always did enjoy being under the water, it's peaceful all the sounds are muffled, everything feels warm and soft on you're skin, I never wanted to leave that cocoon.

My dad stepped forward resting his hand on her shoulder and speaking for the first time "Dr Kumashi is going to take you with her, you're going to spend 6 weeks in a psychiatric facility up north, depending on your progress depends on the length of stay"

I stood up, for the first time surprised and angry at them "No, I'm not going, I refuse"

"Riku you don't have a choice this is for the best"

I turned around, my father moved to stop me but to slowly, I ran out of the door. I don't know where I'm going it's almost dark and I think I'm lost.

I stop, breathing heavily, the beach, of all the places I run to the beach. I smile; it used to be my favourite place, I stopped coming here after me and Kairi had our first argument she stood on the shore yelling at me, I can't even remember the reason I just remember it was to do with me being in the water.

I settle down on an old bent tree trunk, another old favourite of mine it seems the branches bend perfectly around my body, I can feel myself slipping into sleep.

"Hey, what's your name?" I crack one eye as a I hear an overly chirpy voice "I'm Sora" a hazy figure next to me waved grinning

The guy was a brightly coloured mess, his hair stood out all over the place and his clothes were an awful mix of bright and tasteless, but even I had to admit it suited him.

"Who the hell are you?" I ask irritated "you're in my tree" it was petty I know, but what else do I have?

"Don't see your name on it" he giggled, an unnatural sound coming from a teenage boy but again it fitted him

"I was here first" I can't believe I'm arguing this point

"Actually I was you were just to wrapped up in your own world to notice" he poked my nose on the word you, I haven't had that done to me since I was a kid, and the last person who tried almost lost the finger.

"It's almost 11PM in the middle of a deserted beach, am I not allowed to be lost in my own mind?"

"Not deserted is it, I'm still here"

I shut up, the kid was either really good or really stupid, probably the later, no one clever involves themselves in this kind of squabble, although I have to admit it's refreshing.

He swung down from the tree "see ya" and with that he was gone, almost as quickly as he came.

Eventually I dragged my ass back home, the Doctor was gone, I knew she'd be back but maybe I had a few days or weeks to prove I wasn't on the verge of death. I looked for the bright kid the next time I went out, you'd think he'd be easy to spot but not so much. I'm starting to think I was hallucinating.

I'm staring at the sunset again, again unsure of how I got here, it's happened a couple time in the past few weeks, even since I met Sora. I'm not stupid, I know subconsciously I'm trying to find him again, but that doesn't mean I want to admit it. I can't work out what it is, something makes me want to find him, maybe tell him to stay out of my tree. I turn to leave the sun almost dipped below the horizon,

"Hey stranger" I look up, he's sitting in my damn tree again

"You're in my tree again" I point out

He laughs "Still haven't found your name on it yet"

"I'm not gonna go around tagging trees"

"Then I guess your gonna have to learn to share" he swings his legs over and offers me a hand, I eye it suspiciously before taking it, I'm swung up onto the tree by surprisingly strong muscles


"No worries, I don't mind sharing" as if to emphasise the point he offers me some fruit he's holding, I decline I never liked fruit "your loss"

We sit in silence, listening to the sound of the sea and wind,

"You wanna jump don't you" his voice surprises me and I look down "into the ocean" he clarifies "just jump and sink and never have to leave"

I stare at him unsure of how to deal with this, maybe I misread the kid when I labelled him stupid

"I tried it once, it's not nice it burns and stings after a while, like the very thing that gave you comfort takes it away, some irony"

It was confusing to have deeply thoughtful and sad statements said in such a happy cheery tone, somehow the kid had managed to make something I thought deep and unique to me something only I understood….into something simple, and rather stupid. I felt a little foolish. He lay his head on my shoulder and yawned,

"Just think, of all things you're missing out on" he said "there's a whole world out there, if you jump you'll never know" his voice slid away as he slept and suddenly that stupid feeling was magnified, I sighed and lay down as this strange kid burrowed into my neck. When I woke up he was gone, and I felt ok, really truly ok for the first time since last year. Still not convinced I'm not hallucinating though.

There are people I need to talk to, things I need to say, it feels like I'm coming back from a holiday everything seems new and exciting. First I need to apologise to Kairi see if I can salvage that relationship, I look at my watch, almost 9AM if I run I can just make it,

"Kairi, Kairi" I can see her standing at the gate I stop breathless

"Yeah" she looks down on me, it hurts to see my best friend like that but it's my own fault

"I just wanna say I'm sorry, I know the last few months have been hard for you. You were right I did change, I was just to stubborn to admit it"

She looked at me "You've got a lot to make up for" she said wrapping me in her arms "But as long as you're my Riku again I'll forgive you"

I'm still a little bitter I need to apologise for something that wasn't really my fault, but like Sora said, it's not really worth missing out

"Come on, class" she said dragging me in and sitting down

I smiled at her, happy to have her back again

"Class, welcome our new member" I looked up and my jaw fell a few inches

"Hi" the kid waved "I'm Sora" and he smiled, and even with the proof I still think I'm imagining it, no one can be that perfect, even more so now I can see him in the light.

I walk up to him after class, the room is empty,



"You slept in my tree"

He laughed and turned to me holding up a marker pan "it's my tree now"

I gaped at him

"But I can share" he said grinning and leaning in.

I still to this day do not know what possessed me to do it, maybe I'd just come to terms with the little hole the kid had carved in me, that needed to be filled. Or maybe I just felt like it and the acceptance came later, either way I saw Sora lose the calm collected thing he had going. I kissed him, grabbed his hands and pulled his body up against mine while I played with his tongue. When I let him go, he let out a surprised gasp and stared at me,

"I don't wanna miss out" I said, the first thing that came to mind

He smiled and grabbed my hand "You sure take you're time"

I gaped, realising I had been slowly manipulated "since when" I ask

"Since I realised you could hear the ocean to" he smiled knowing he was being stupidly cryptic and that I understood. The most important thing, we understood.

We can never be free, the urge to jump, fall, crash, whatever is always there, like a craving it calls. But we can distract ourselves, we can ignore it, we can learn to fight it. Because, you blink and you miss so much, how much are you going to miss if you fall?

i love the bath, i spend hours in there laying under the water just able to breath...i like the ocean to...i think i just really like large bodies of water, snow, ice whatever XD