AN: Because I am a jerk at times—and it sounds fun—I'm going to write a love that's as forbidden and wrong as a house-cat and a parrot. Totally don't know what's with the analogy, but it is forbidden and wrong; it's a parody, so don't freak out if the characters are completely OOC. Others have written about Edward x Jacob, but I haven't read any of them—so all this horribly-not-funny-crap is me. WOOT! Dirty dog + Sparkly stone = WTFHBBQ? Oh, also, it's not a one-shot, since I got to know if 'twill be read; and it'll be too long. –laugh-

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The Wrong One

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"Wake up, Jacob!"

Opening one eye, I glowered at Paul's grinning face, "Beat it, I'm tryin' to sleep,"

"Get up, boy," he continued like I hadn't said anything, "We gotta go meet Sam and the others,"

"Tell 'em I'll catch up later then," I growled. It's not like there was any danger at the moment, and I really wanted to get caught up on sleep.

"No can do."

Next thing I knew, I was on the hardwood floor of my room, sprawled everywhere with my blankets twisting around my legs. Paul was obviously having too much fun, and I wondered if Sam was even calling a gathering with the pack. In one move I was up and the following sound of Paul's jaw cracking was satisfying to my ears.

"Ass, that hurts y'know," he hissed at me.

"Deal with it." I replied as I started to head for the front door. His jeering isn't going to help him much; he got waaaay too close yesterday when his nose was suddenly near my ass. Just 'cause we took a wolf-form didn't mean we had to behave like a bunch of dogs.

"Jacob," Billy said as I passed. "To inform you, Sam wasn't calling for you or the others."

I could feel my brow twitching. "That's what I figured." I should've beaten the crap out of that jerk-face, but my sister wouldn't let me rough him up too badly (Hope she knows he might be bi or whatever). Grabbing whatever was in the fridge, I was out in a few minutes.

It felt like a relief to be outside, the briny smell of the beach and the pine from the forest were calming; if I transformed, I could rest right there since not even the privacy of my own home could insure my need for sleep. I was still a bit annoyed by that.

Then a shape flittered in the brush, a light gray colour that didn't match with the green. Leah was in her wolf form and she sent a glare my way. For the love of— I can't catch a damn break today!

"Forget it," I grumbled and walked to the shed. My motorcycle never looked more appealing than right now, and I revved the engine at the same moment I got on. Casting an askance look at Bella's bike, I touched one of the handlebars.

It wouldn't hurt to pay her a visit, I decided. Was she home today? It was the weekend; however she might be out with the blood-sucker already. I couldn't help but smirk at that; three's a crowd, and he always showed his distaste. It would be fun to push the leech's buttons.

Bella won't be happy about my bothering the blood-sucker, but his very existence is the reason I'm stuck in this mess. Stupid piece of cement was what the thing was. I felt my hands start to shake, and I made the bike speed faster, listening to the roaring of the wind, the snarling of the motor.

By the time I got to Bella's house, I'd had pretty much calmed down enough and bounced up to the door. Charlie's car was gone and in its place was the sleek Volvo parked in the driveway, appearing just as egotistical as the owner. They hadn't left yet.

As Bella opened the door, I grinned immediately at the petulant scowl she gave to me.

"Hey, Bells," I jeered.

"Hi Jake," she said, the scowl not disappearing. "What are you doing here?"

I chuckled at her. "Thought I'd drop by since I was in the neighbourhood."

Bella didn't look utterly convinced by my answer, but at the moment I just stared—stared hard to see if, by some miracle, imprinting would finally favour me. The intensity of my gaze didn't falter and Bella started flushing. I liked seeing that.

"Jake, you're staring…" she murmured, clearly uncomfortable.

"Sorry." I said. Nope, still nothing.

He was then at her side, and I watched as his arm curled itself around her slender waist, silently wishing it was me who was holding her. I turned my eyes in a different direction, Bella delightedly saying his name a split second after he breathed hers—like they don't see each other all the time.

When I looked back, the air in my throat hitched and my heart seemed to kick into fourth gear. I don't know why I didn't fully acknowledge it; I was secure enough in my masculinity to admit that he was good-looking from the start; and yet, it seemed I missed everything. The smile he gave her was heart-wrenching, his amber gaze was like scorching liquid and his gently tousled copper hair made my fingers ache to run through it.

These feelings made me feel nauseous—in both good and bad ways. His scent still burned my nose, and I found myself drinking it in despite that fact.

His gaze was on me, now reserved and annoyed—absolutely lovely nonetheless—and my mind went blank for a moment.

"What are you staring at?" he questioned tonelessly, the sheer smoothness too surreal.

"Don't fight," I heard the girl say. I knew her name, I just couldn't remember…

I found my face stretching so I could grin at him. "At you,"

Edward—his name sent a shiver through me—quirked a brow, "And is there something particularly interesting about me?"

"Yes there is," I replied, too excited to stop myself.

"What would that be then, dog?"

He called me by my nickname! I felt so elated. "Just the fact you're incredibly handsome,"

Edward and what's-her-face shared confused looks before turning them on me.

"Jacob, are you feeling well?" the girl asked, her face appearing genuinely concerned.

"Perfectly fine, why?" I asked.

Edward suddenly had this horrified expression twisting his angelic features, and I was tempted to smooth it back to perfection.

"You… You're…" he said, choking on the words, one arm rising like he needed to shield himself. "Y-You're sick! Sick I say!"

"Edward?" the girl inquired, worry furrowing her face. She then glared furiously at me. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything," I replied defensively. What was beloved Edward talking about?

"What do you mean you've done nothing?" Edward hissed at me and I found myself feeling a bit ashamed—at whatever it is that I did. "You've done the most nefarious thing in the world Jacob Black!"

"You said my name…" I said in a happy daze; damn, this boy is fooinnne…!

"What happened Edward?" the girl asked him again. God, why won't she shut it?

Edward turned to her. "He imprinted on me!"

Oh… So that's why there are butterflies in my stomach. I imprinted. Huh. You'd think I'd have been able to tell right away. Could it also explain the sudden bulge in my sweats? What happened to it—did it break? I heard Edward gasp and my eyes shifted to his musical voice. I couldn't think straight.

The girl's mouth dropped in disbelief, brown eyes widening in shock. "What?" she demanded, whirling to face me again. "Jacob, you imprinted on Edward? What the hell's the matter with you?"

"What do you mean? I've never felt surer in my life. Is that a problem for you?" What did she know?

"Of course it is! Y-You can't imprint on Edwardlove of my life! Have you forgotten that you hate him—that you can't stand his guts? Tell him Edward," she urged. I felt like slapping the bimbo!

"It's true," he said, his voice sending me another thrill. "I hate you, you hate me—simply disgusted with one another!" the panic in his voice was discernible, at least to me; why was he acting like that? Since he could read my mind, obviously he'd know that I wasn't deterred in the slightest however; he backed away an inch, and by some magnetic force, I followed.

"Bella, I have to go," he told the girl in a rush. "I'll call you later!" he shouted over his shoulder as he walked briskly to his Volvo.

"Wait a minute!" she and I shouted in the same instant.

Without hesitating, I leapt, managing to grab onto one of his legs. Edward drew a hiss as I held on like a rag-doll while he tried to throw me off. I wasn't letting go so easily!

"You will get off me, you filthy dog!" he shouted—in a surprisingly high-pitched wail that almost seemed embarrassed. He finally had no choice but to pry me off, and when one hand got close, I kissed the palm—causing the same cry out from Edward.

He was in his car, but I too was now on my motorcycle—set and ready to follow my heart to wherever he decided to go.

"Get away from me!" shouted Edward from inside his awesome vehicle. Of course I didn't listen to him; the silly goose should know I'm too impulsive when I wanted to be; he's been in my head before.

"God knows I regret it!" he growled out the window.

I laughed and made the motorcycle increase in speed. He can try to run, but I know where the gorgeous son-of-a-gun lives anyway. His car swiveled down a dirt path to where his mansion was settled and I turned as well. Edward was driving at an impossible level, and luckily my motorcycle was keeping up with it quite well.

Then I remembered that I had to tell the pack; they had to know—otherwise the fighting would still go on between them and Edward's coven. Sighing in disappointment, I turned around. I would be back soon however, and Edward's cute little ass can't do a thing to stop me!