AN: My dears, because I suck for not writing in so long, please feel free to curse, threaten, and PM if needed. I was swamped with school—y'know, grades and all—and I felt that it required my attention; as much as writing FanFiction is enjoyable, it was necessary to get caught up and assure that I graduate. (And it won't ever be an actual job... I wish! XD) Senior year is pretty big. And I was sick for a while, but I could only update one story; had to be near a toilet. A lot. Then catching up on work, and yada, yada, yada…
Well, to show my gratitude, have fun with this chapter! It's different in narration and actually has nothing to do with the "story", it's more of an "outtake" kind of thing.
I thank each and every one of you wholeheartedly, it's always a delight to read your reviews and see the alerts it receives! Again, thank you all so much for your patience! (The "actual" chapter I plan to have up within a week or so. I'm setting up a time for myself. XD)
Why Won't You Listen?
"What did you say?!"
Covering my ears, I shut my eyes and cringe from the sudden burst; y'know, for a guy whose voice is the "equilibrium of angels and harmony all synched together", it's pretty damn annoying.
"Look, Edward, get over there and freaking touch Jacob's butt. That's all you gotta do."
"No!" he shouts, appalled.
"Why? What's wrong with his butt?" I inquire, glancing at the shape-shifter in question. "It's a nice, firm ass—I don't see how it could be horrible for you."
"It's not Bella's!"
I roll my eyes, snorting. "You wanna touch something that's skeletal?"
"She's not skinny!"
I feign a gasp. "You're calling your girlfriend fat?! How ungentlemanly! How coarse!"
The vampire slams his head into the wall, doing more damage to the concrete and wood than his cranium. "Why must you torment me so?"
I sigh; actors; so emotional, so hormonal, and bipolar. It's worse because they're vampires—they feel freaking everything. "Nothing's wrong with Jacob!" I shout, losing my patience with the flamboyance Edward's emanating. "Just. Touch. His. Butt." I emphasized every syllable.
"No!" he sobs, and runs in a blur of sparkles and rainbows up the steps. Man, I can't get used to it. It's like watching a walking spectrum of glitter—confetti, lip-gloss and eye shadow for crying out loud! Annoyed with my peeved starlet (we know he's the girl in this story), I sit down on the couch and flip on the tube. Nothing on… Probably more than a million channels on this thing and its all soaps, talk shows and—
"X-Men: Evolution!" I triumphantly cry.
"What now?" a voice inquires confused. "Why are you happy all of a sudden?"
"Hey Jasper! Que pasa?" I reply, patting the seat next to me. "Watch with me—it's awesoooooome."
"All right." He says, sipping his drink from a paper cup. He looks around. "Where'd my pansy of a brother-in-law go?"
"Wouldn't touch Jacob's butt, huh?"
"Nope. And there's nothing wrong with his ass. Don't you agree?"
"I'm not at liberty to agree with you, as I am not the least bit bisexual." Jasper says, though he is smiling, not being rude.
"That's not what the other FanFiction writers say…" I mutter.
Blood erupts from his mouth, and he chokes. "What?!"
Crap. I forgot he can hear. Oh right, we're practically a foot from each other. Duh.
"Noooothiiiing…!" I sing, getting up to leave. Forget Quicksilver, my life is on the line!
He grabs my wrist. "No, no, show me."
"Uh…" I look away, playing dumb.
"Miss Sohma, I will destroy your entire collection of PowerPuff Girls—"
"No!" I cry. "Have mercy Jazz, I don't have much of them as it is!"
"Then show me what these FanFiction writer-people do."
I showed him.
Jasper stared, wide-eyed, mouth ajar, and for a second, I thought he actually died.
"Dude, don't act like that—Alice will kill me and defile my corpse afterwards with straws."
He kept staring.
"Wake up you!" I demand, shaking him by his shoulders.
He blinks, finally. He turns to me and says, his voice breathless and amazed, "I am really sexy in these things."
Now I blink. "Well, of course, you're Jasper Hale!"
He sweeps his hair in a flourish. "Thank you, thank you, I try. The blonde version of Edward Scissorhands is always better."
I laugh—cause it's so friggin' true!—and head down the stairs, where we find Rosalie and Jacob fighting.
"Jazz," Rose cries, rushing to his side and clinging to him. "Tell Jacob to stop pestering me!"
"What'd you do?" the male vampire asks.
"Nothing!" Jacob exclaims, holding his hands up in defense. "I just told her that those pants don't look good on her figure!"
Jasper pats Jacob on the shoulder, frowning in disapproval. "You never tell a woman what she does not look well in; unless you want to lose that which makes you masculine."
Jacob flinches, crossing his legs and sending Rosalie a "back-off" glare. She simply smiles a dazzlingly malicious grin and lightly steps over to me.
I sigh. "I dunno.
"Well, he needs to get here and wrap up the scene," Rosalie says, flipping her hair. "Otherwise, I'm going to throw out his Jonas Brothers CDs."
"DON'T DO THAT!" Edward's high-pitched wail resounds.
"Speak of the devil and he shall appear." murmurs Jasper, crossing his arms.
Edward is panting from the shock, sending Rosalie such death glares I faintly wondered when Jane had possessed Edward.
"Calm down, I am not going to touch them. Even though they suck and—"
"Whoa, hey, hey!" Edward shouts, holding out his hand in front of her face. "Don't. Okay?"
"Hey Edward!" I laugh, coming to his side. "Guess what?"
"I love you!"
They stare in shock. And, grabbing his hand, I maneuver it to skim Jacob's behind. "THERE!"
The two scream and jump twelve feet from each other. "WHY?!" They shout in unison.
"This is my story, and that is what I need done people. Hello? This is going to be viewed on every channel in the world, so it needs to look perfect. And since you two—mostly Mr. Sparkles over there—didn't want to cooperate, I showed you what you had to accomplish. Got it?"
"We're not doing that again!"
"Why not? I'm going to take back those magazines if you—"
"No, no!" Jacob pleads, on his knees, bowing. If it wasn't for the situation, it would've been a very comparable position.
Edward looks down at Jacob. "You're groveling over cooking magazines?"
"Shaddup!" he shouts, blushing furiously.
I groan loudly, hitting them both on the shoulders with a wooden spoon. "Quit it, women,"
"We're not women!"
"Jasper, please get their possessions and throw them in the fireplace."
"Okay!" Jacob cries, standing on his feet. "I'll do the scene over…"
"Goody, goody!" I chirp, clapping my hands together. "Eddie?"
He glares at me, not happy with having to repeat the scene.
"Well, if you two had done it before than it would've been only one take. This is all your fault."
"I hope your 'readers' are getting a kick out of our pain…" he grumbles, staring off into space, probably trying to find their computer monitors.
"And if not, at least they like the lovey-dovey scenes."
With that, Edward proceeds to slam his head into the wall and Jacob crawls beneath the rug, too ashamed to show his face.
Rosalie and Jasper laugh, while I pull out my Twix and grin, chewing slowly; hmm. Jacob's rear end didn't go all the way into the rug. He's too tall… Thank God for that!