Wow, so I never thought "Twilight, but better" would get that many hits…and reviews! Since I was bored and needed to further make myself look like an illiterate nut-case with too much time (oh wait…that's true), I decided to bring to you the final installment of this most horrendous of sagas. So here you are, with…
~ Midnight Sun, but better ~
(screaming applause for me)
I hate it.
Everyone here is stupid, and smelly, and I wish to suck their blood, but I can't, because my siblings are stupid and won't let me.
So anyway, I was listening to people's thoughts (I was totally not trying to find where they live so I could stalk them, watch them while they sleep and snuggle with them while their fathers are unaware, I am not a creeper like that) and would never dream to use this ability to steal credit card information because, that would be wrong. (Wink, wink, nod, nod.) And then there was this random chick suddenly popping up all over the place in people's brains like a cancerous cluster of cells somehow passed through breathing. (I know stuff like that cause I had to repeat freaking high school twenty-five times!) At first I thought I was going insane, but then I remembered I couldn't because I'm a friggin' vampire.
Ha! BS! That is funny! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha—
"Shut up, Alice!" I growled. Everyone turned to me, so I flipped them off.
Cullen is such a creeper, someone thought.
An albino weirdo.
He's as ugly as crap.
Once I ran over road kill that had digested most of it's face, and it looked kind of like him.
My grandma is sexier than he is.
Edward has a stupid name.
I'd rather make out with Brittany Spears…and I'm no lesbo.
"No!" I screamed in a violent cry of anguish, bailing into my hands, making everyone turn to me again. "It's not true! It can't be true! Leave Brittany alone! Leave her alone!"
I gasped for air, which I don't really need, because I'm a vampire. "Edward Cullen? Oh my gosh! He is like as pretty as me! Oo! Who's the hot one sitting next to him?" A girl asked annoyingly from across the cafeteria.
"That's Edward. He'll eat your children, beat you to death, burn your house down, send a witch-hunter after you, get you arrested for illegal reselling of crack—erjacks, oh, and we think he's gay." The one girl who was obviously in love with me said. I stalked her for seventeen years, and she had only yesterday turned seventeen. I know this because I crashed her birthday party without her knowing.
I went through her room and took stuff so I could smell her. But then I found out she has a boyfriend, so I ripped the engine out of her car so she couldn't see him and—anyway, I'm getting a little sidetracked here. No one wants to read about me being all awesome and ripping stuff out of their cars. Like that'd sell.
She was a very hot baby. (If you know what I mean.)
"Shut up lumpy legs!" Bella's annoying voice called. "He is beautiful!" Then she got distracted by her reflection in some bald guy's head. "Wow! I am pretty! It should, like, be like, against the law to be this hot!"
"Edward?" My evil, vile, stupid and also incredibly good-looking father called.
"Yes?" I smashed through the wall like batman.
"Where have you been? Bella was run over by a truck! I had to give her and her hillbilly father drugs to make them think you saved them, but you didn't, because you've been gone. Where—" he demanded like a dumb—like, like a dumb…vampire.
"I met that Bella chick in some boring science class, and, to be honest, she smelt like a grandma with an obscene kind of body odor, so I ran out the window screaming." I explained my story, like it had been rehearsed, because it had. I had been seeing Alice laugh at me for it through her head, and it was all very confusing with magic and vampires and stuff. You're a stupid human, you wouldn't understand.
"I was high—I mean drunk—I mean wasted—I mean stoned—I mean sick for the next few weeks, and ditched—I mean missed school. I totally didn't go to Vegas to hit on the Vegas showgirls. Because I would never do that." I nodded. I flashed him a perfect smile with my pearly whites, my golden eyes glittering like gold toast that had been buttered with more gold by the angels themselves they were so buttery and golden and topaz and stuff. I know it's a lot to take in, but I'll remind you about my eyes in the next paragraph anyway, so you won't forget. My eyes are a very important plot point. Seriously. Write it on a note pad and staple it to your stupid weak human hands so you don't forget.
"I gave her some of the," Carlisle glanced up from his doctorly clip board thing, where he writes all of his doctorly stuff to show he's a doctor, but in reality, all it is are doodles of stickfigures because he never actually went to doctor school cause his a friggin' vampire and no one's going to waste their time getting a degree from 1912 and expect it to still be legal in 2010, "special painkillers. I hope it wasn't too severe. That many Tums…" he shook his head. Tums were all he was allowed to give people because he was actually just a volunteer who wore a "Hello, My Name is Ducteir Colinne" nametag.
"Oh wait, Bella? Isn't she supposed to be my love interest?" I remembered, my eyes glittering gold because I was wearing contacts I'd dripped mustard in. Ah…crap! I didn't mention my eyes in the last paragraph. Okay, copy this section and paste it to the last one with your pathetic human hands! "Dad, you spelled Doctor and Cullen wrong," I pointed at his nametag. "How do you even spell your own name wrong?"
"Shut up and go appeal to the fans," he snarled at me, noticed the security coming to kick him out (he wasn't legally allowed within three thousand miles of the building since he'd changed ninety percent of their patients into vampires), and ducked into the Ladies Room. We vampires are masters of disguise and can disappear like that on a moment's notice. Too bad you're a scrawny human and can't! HA!
Hey, by the way, we Cullenses so are ninety percent of their little village. Forks is a small town, alright? Have you even seen Washington? Beside the White House and that pentograph thing there's nothing in Washington but us awesome vampires. It's like…Texas or…East and West Dakota or New Mexico…or…something. I can't be bothered to learn these stupid human countries!
Anyway, I went to find my love interest, and found she was in a full body cast lying in some hospital bed, breathing through a tube. I felt the deep and sorrowful sting of sorrow pierce my heart with a long pointy piercing thing of sorrow. "Bella!" I wailed, but remained as perfect as ever. "How could I allow this to happen? You were my one true love in all the world and now…you've been crushed by a truck! Oh…Bella," I sobbed, gold leaking out of my eyeballs and since it was liquid, that meant it was molten, so it burned like hell. (That was a pun, because hell is like fiery and stuff…and gold…and…vampires come from hell because we're the embodiment of demons, although much more perfect and sexy and stuff. So it was funny. Hey, stop giving the computer that look! It's hilarious, you just don't get it because you're a stupid feeble human!)
"Edward?" Bella's wispy human voice called, although she sounded a lot like a middle-aged Mormon woman from Arizona. (I have an ear for these kinds of things. Perfect marble ears…they're so perfect, wouldn't you just love to eat them with barbeque sauce and fresh parsley? Yes…scream and wail young girls, for you shall never know the true delicious perfection of my ears.) "I'm over here, that's Tyler."
"Oh," I stood with perfect grace of a perfect vampire. "They let him come in?" I walked over to Bella, who was sitting up in her bed, perfectly fine other than a slight bump on her head. I tripped on my way to her, but tripped gracefully, because I'm Edward f-ing Cullen dammit. When I tripped my perfect marble foot caught on the cord pulling Tyler's life support out of the socket, and this beeping noise sounded behind me, so I turned perfectly and saw the screen had become one line.
"Oh no!" I heard my father yell, he, because Forks is too small to get a real doctor, rushed in and over to Bella, checking her pulse by biting into her hand. "Mm…" he smiled raising his head. "Nope, you're fine. Just checking my favorite widdle patient," he pinched her cheek and gave her a kitten. "Here, I bought you a car, get well soon."
That annoying wailing sound kept on wailing behind me, Tyler just had to be so obnoxious all the time. "Well, doctor purdy boy," Charlie Swan, the Leader of the Boy Scouts (we had like two in Forks), "what're ya' doin' today? Workin' another ad fer botox coz-mo-tall-low-gee?" Charlie spat tobacco juice at Carlisle's face. "Ain't ya' 'posed ta' be helpin' that boy in a critic-cal state?"
"I'm afraid I don't speak monkey, could you poise your question in the form of an answer, please?" Carlisle asked sweetly.
Behind the men, who were now pitted against each other like ravenous jellyfish, the beeping stopped and the thrashing, bleeding, broken body of Tyler stopped writhing and flopping around like a stupid human, and died.
And now, dear readers, I would like to take a moment of silence, for Tyler…
Kay, that's enough, back to me. "Hey, looks like we'll be drinking fresh blood tonight!"
"Yes! Drinking games are on!" My father squealed in vampirish perfection, his molten golden eyes glowing but not as glowing as me. "With all the limitless privileges that comes with bearing the name 'volunteer' in Washington, I can easily have the body deemed unfit for burial!" And then we grabbed the body and smashed through the window with out perfect balance and swiftness.
I kind of spaced some more, and tried to get some character development by playing a piano. I got mad when it wasn't easy and threw it at some jogger.
Then I ate the guy who tried to come sue me.
Bella kept bugging me, but since she was pale and kept being mentioned, I figured she was the heroine, and so decided to date the weirdo albino anyway. Cause I like heroine. Mm…that's some good drugs.
So anyway, back at school there was this huge dance thing, where all the hideous students asked the other hideous students out, except there was a twist. The Sadie Hawkins Dance, in my khaki pants. There's nothing better, oh, oh, oh. The girls ask the guys, it's always a surprise. There's nothing better, baby do you like my sweater?
Well, not that surprising, cause all the half a dozen boys (can you say hideous?) seemed to believe they were girls (or maybe they were…hm…although I have expert senses of perception, even my topaz eyes couldn't be sure whether or not they were, in fact, male) and thought Bella was a guy, or they're lesbians and asked her anyway. That was the first moment I truly saw how perfect (but less perfect than a certain someone. Hint. Hint.), Bella really was. It was a Lady's choice and she was still the only human asked by anyone. Well, except for me.
"Edward," a girl who was rather attractive for a stupid human stopped me in the hall. I recognized her as the blond, head-cheerleader, captain of the chess team, academic wonder, face of Cover Girl (stupid human run business turned me down), volunteered at nursing homes, orphanages, animal and homeless shelters, was the heiress to a billion dollar corporation, gave more than 90% of what she earned in a year to disabled veterans, starred in twelve blockbusters, donated both her kidneys, half her blood and had cured cancer. Poor simple human could only ever hope to measure up to someone as majestic and gorgeous as I am. "Hey, thanks and all for the invitation, but I don't feel comfortable going to a dance with you. Last time you…" she grimaced, "you killed my grandma when you ran her over with your car."
"Oh yeah, can you pay up for that?" I smiled beautifully and wiggled my eyebrows that went perfectly with my golden eyes.
"No…you killed my grandma."
"Well her old and feebly disgusting bones cause a scratch in my Volvo. Let us think for a moment which is more important to me; your grandmother, who was old, had a hundred liver spots and smelled like dirty socks, or my sleek babe-mobile?" I thought in a perfect pose resembling a perfect porcelain…thing.
The stupid human then maced me and threw me under the wheels of an oncoming van spinning wildly over the ice.
But anyway, Bella became my obsession. She was kind of like a drug, only dumb and boring. I could smell her delicious sent all the time…and I wanted to eat her. She was so delectable, so mouth-watering, kind of like a ham sandwich or a piece of KFC chicken…or beer…or drugs… Mmm…drugs…
Actually, I must confess, the drugs were still about a thousand times better, cause Bella acted too much like a bored Mormon housewife.
As it was, I became enraptured by the incredibly obnoxious Mary Sue who couldn't take two steps without falling and injuring herself (with all those wounds to the head it's no wonder why her brain's so messed up) and has about as much personality as a teaspoon worth of sour milk. (Oh, my eyes are still golden, by the way.)
I started following her everywhere (which was SO FREAKING BORING). She was so boring when she drove home, and so boring when she made ridiculous meals for her father, and so boring when she got dressed, and so boring when she went to bed, and so boring when she slept, and so boring when she woke up, and so boring when she flossed, and so boring when she (THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CUT DOWN DRAMATICALLY TO REDUCE READER NAUSEA).
One day after school she and some lame little girls decided to go dress shopping at Port Ageism for dresses. It was also so boring watching them try on the dresses. (My eyes are still golden, in case you were wondering. It's been like…two whole paragraphs since I last told you, so I just wanted to let you know.)
I had to take a break from my stalking and perverted life to apply another coat of glitter spray (it's only activated by UV rays, which is annoying), and then I found out Bella was gone. She was wandering a town alone, through dark alleys, like a freaking retard. I went to follow her, cursing myself angrily because I would have disappointed my father (who stalks young women to this day, but don't tell Esme that). I found her, curled up in the middle of the street, wailing. There were two nuns near her, a police man, a purple-heart winning fighter pilot and a few disabled veterans.
"Miss?" The police guy asked. "Are you Charlie Swan's daughter? Hello? Can we help you? Do you need help? Miss?"
Although they didn't seem like they were hurting much, I decided to run them over in my car, because it was funny, then totally saved Bella, and we drove away in my vamp-mobile.
Then…for some reason I don't really know, I guess they weren't paying Zombies8Me enough or something, because the story kind of ended, even though we all know how it ends. This is my (my eyes are golden) interpretation. It's better than any you could come up with because you're a stupid human.
Bella was kind of a ditz, and couldn't read a map. I was like "Freaking A' Bella! Can't you do anything by yourself?" (Cause I totally don't swear ever. I'm too perfect to cuss. Okay? Don't mess with perfection, cause I'm perfect.)
Then Bella started crying, and I told her to shut her woman mouth. "If I want to hear you speak, woman, I will let you know. Stupid woman. Why don't you go scrub my hubcaps, woman?"
"I would Eddypoo, but you don't have any hubcaps," she told me.
"Then go buy me some, you useless, plotless waste of words!"
Oh, and I can't read her thoughts. But it's kind of obvious what she's thinking, cause she talks to herself. "I think Eddypoo is so pretty. He's the only one pretty enough for me."
"Bella, I can hear you," I told her.
"Oh he's so dreamy the way he's so…so…" she tried to think of something to describe my majestic…ness. "Uh…well he's…uh…there must be something good about him."
Clearly, she was speechless in the perfection that is my porcelain skin and my marble neck and my golden eyes and my perfect build and my golden-brown hair and my immortality and…car and…money and….deep things like that.
Bella and I went to a meadow in the forest, where I glittered in the sunshine.
"Bella, I love you, but…I'm dangerous!"
"Oh Edward! You're so pretty when you have no personality!" she squealed happily.
"No Bella," I touched her cheek with my hand, giving her face frostbite. "You're so pretty when you have no personality."
"No, you're so pretty when you have no personality."
"But I'm dangerous!"
"But I'm stupid! So it's okay!"
"Hey Edward!" Alice called. "We're going to go play baseball. I know everything, because I'm so—"
"Shut up, I hate you, remember!?" I yelled back.
Bella was drooling over me at the baseball field of course, because I'm just so freakishly good looking no one can stop talking about how good looking I really am—
"Edward! Will you stop drooling over yourself? It's ruining the flow of story!" Rosalie yelled, hitting the baseball at my pretty face.
"Shut up woman! I'd kill you, but I don't like conflict," I yelled at her.
"Hey guys, the antagonist force is coming this way!" Alice screamed pointing off into the fog.
"What? No! No! It isn't possible! It can't be true! I was promised there wouldn't be any plot in this book! This is too much for my perfect mind! I'm a lover not a fighter! No! NO!" I yelled, falling to the ground screaming. "Purple! Why have you forsaken me! Why? What did I ever do to wrong the world? What?"
"Hey can we hurry this up?" James asked. "I have a coupon that expires at midnight for Walmart."
"Fine. I don't care." I stood angrily, in a sexy kind of way.
James gave Bella the look and walked away, then we ran off to Phoenix (close to the old Meyer house), James tried to kill Bella, but we killed him first, and he was all sucking the blood from her hand then I killed him.
Blah, blah, blah and they lived happily ever after the end. Although Bella ended up dying when she tripped over a curb that was just a bit too big and I was sent to jail for a thousand years for tax evasion. Jacob grew up and was sent to jail for pedophilia (because yes, Twihards, that is a criminal offense).
THE END! (Let us hope.)