Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. No I don't.

This fan fiction is loosely based on Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix movie.

Harry is sitting in a park. On the swing. Dudley and his friends have just arrived. They are looking rather smug.

Harry: Hey, Dudders. What are you so happy about? Did you beat up another ten year old?

Dudley: Yeah, but he had it coming.

Harry: Had what coming, your fist at his jaw? Psht.

Dudley: Yeah, well… YOUR MUM IS DEAD!

Harry: You bitch!

Harry sticks his stick in Dudley's chin and the apocalypse begins.

Dudley: (Looking around nervously) Whatdidyoudo??!!

Harry: (Evil death glare.)

Dudley: I TAKE IT BACK! Your mum isn't dead! Make it stop!

Harry: It isn't ME!!

They look around. Dudley's friend have disappeared, because a ten year old they can handle, but stormy weather is just too much. All of a sudden, the Dementors appear.

Harry: RUN!!

They run, into a sewer. Because nothing bad ever happens in sewers.

Dementors: (Appear)

Harry: Shit.

Dudley: WHAT? I don't see it! I can only see the pee!

Harry: We're in a sewer, of course there is shit!

Dementor A: (Taps Harry on the shoulder)

Harry: (Turning to face the Dementor) Yes? AAHH!

Harry and Dudley begin dying. Until Harry gets his wand from somewhere inside his jeans (dodgy? I think so) and yells:


A blue animal appears, and finally the Dementors are gone. And an old lady, who looks like she might just live in the sewers, appears. Harry turns the ol' staggy on her.

Harry: Kill it! KILL IT!

The old lady turns and smiles creepily at Harry.

Old Lady: I've been watching you, my child.

Harry: Aah! Run, Dudders, run!

Everyone now realises that Dudley is almost dead, and a little shocked… just a little. So they take him home.


Dudley is slumped on the coach, looking blank. Harry is sitting by the ktichen island, looking blank. And Vernon just looks like a beetroot. In both shape and colour.

Petunia: He looks dummer than usual!!

Harry: How do you work that out?

Petunia: He isn't asking for ice cream!!

Vernon: (pointing at Harry) YOU ARE GROUNDED!

With that he puts a bag over his sons head pushes him into the family car. Driving away he gives the finger to Harry through the window. Harry sighs, and an envelope on the bench begins screaming at him.

Envelope: I am a legal representative of the Ministry of Magic!

Harry: Really? You just look like an envelope to me…

Envelope: I represent a representative!

Harry: Psht.

Envelope: Silence, for you are EXPELLED!

Harry: What?

Envelope: EXPELLED!

Harry: What…but…why?

Envelope: You used magic, underage boy!

Harry: But…that was… SELF DEFENSE!

Envelope: Tell it to an envelope that cares.


Envelope: I don't care. You. Are. EXPELLED!

Harry: Envelope?

Envelope: Yes, Harry?

Harry: I am going to burn you now.

Thankyou for reading. PLease, do review. If you liked, I want to know. If you hated it ... I want to know?