These Black Eyes: A Re – [Post] - ing

Synopsis: Noir, an incredibly overpowered Gary Stu, joins the animated Teen Titans. During his tenure with the heroic youngsters, many grammatical errors are made, many gross atrocities of the first-person narrative are committed, and a bunch of bloody drama is spilt in the name of lifeless nerdiness. Act One consists of his beating up the Titans and the Titans loving him for it. Act Two consists of predictable villains coming back to battle the Titans in a huge cataclysm of page length and sound effects. Act Three shall never again see the Internet because it sucks major donkey rectum.

Synopses (?): This has not been edited, but it has been preserved—not so much by me but by those few generous (depraved?) souls who felt this fic needed to stay in existence. It remains hideously in its original format, as was originally spewed forth onto the collective subconscious of digidom, replete with holocausts of spelling, characterization, and good sense. If you hate heroic brutalities, lipstick lesbians, excessive onomatopoeia, Gary Stu-ness, Dr. Pepper, and overall wyrdness, then stay very far away from the train wreck to follow.

Special Thanks To: Zephyrus (for chronicling the bulk of this), Lord Belgarion (for your ever supportive mofo-ness), Dr. Pepper (for the inspiration, humiliation, and kidney stones I'll someday endure over this), and Cary (for giving me a new reason to exist on a daily basis)

1. ACT ONE: Experiment of a Circle

I held my position up high on the marble scaffold. From where I crouched at the face of the cathedral, I had a superb view of the street and the ensuing battle at hand. I could have acted at any time, could have jumped in at any moment. But I had my orders. I had my cue. And it hadn't sounded yet.

Through an obsidian shield of glass and night I made out the figure of Fang; an abomination of the earth if ever there was one. There's not much to say about a creature with a human for a body and a spider for a head, save for the fact that it was presently doing its lethal best to ward off five superpowered teenagers intent on foiling its latest armed robbery.

Fang let out a recognizable growl and spun on his two human legs. In turn, his spidery limbs stretched out from his neck and pinwheeled a virtual arachnid blade. The serrated tips of the spider feet were deadly enough to shred human skin, much less Tamaranian skin or animal shell or cyborg metal. The Teen Titans stood their distance. Robin and Cyborg tracked Fang on opposites sides on foot, while a floating Starfire and a levitating Raven guarded the perimeter and a shifting Beast Boy was—well—everywhere.

Fang knew he was cornered. He knew that being stationary was the worst position to be in when facing these five. But most of all he knew that he could outlast every single one of them as long as he kept one of his six limbs on the ground.

The Titans were just going to have to ruin that for him.

Naturally, it was Robin who made the first strike. He whipped out his staff, extended it with the flick of the wrist, and struck—growling—at one of the spider's possessions.

Fang lifted the one, sharp foot up with a jerk, using the other three spider limbs to straighten himself.

As planned, Cyborg went for the attack on the other side to knock Fang down.

But the creature expected this, he pivoted himself sideways—putting all weight on the legs that Cyborg was charging—and literally flipped his human body over to strike an uppercut on the android's chin with his shoe.

Cyborg fell back wincing, and without a moment to lose Fang's mandibles were warbling in such a way that meant he was about to unleash a charge of paralyzing venom.

Raven spotted this, and as soon as the flash of evil energy came from the arachnid mouth, a field of obsidian covered it so that it merely bounced off Cyborg's exoskeleton.

That very instant, Robin went for his second strike. His staff slammed hard into Fang's human back. Surely, it had to have been enough to knock the man over.

But versatile creatures arachnids are, not to mention biopunk bugs. Fang used the bone rattling impact to roll himself over. He squatted low to the ground with all six legs bent to the extreme and sprang upwards with a human fist that knocked Robin upside the chest and over against the side of the street, smashing into a few garbage cans.

I saw the leader take the fall. And so did the rest of the team. That only meant one thing. Disorderly free-for-all.

Starfire went on the attack. She orbited Fang like a spitting moon, launching firebolts at his center of gravity with every fling of the wrist.

Fang's limbs went to work, rapidly flicking away every ball of light so that eventually a shrieking Starfire had to retreat from the return of her own fire.

Raven manipulated a nearby streetlamp into an airborne worm that sailed towards Fang's back.

The creature spun around and lifted his human body up with four limbs in time for the streetlamp to soar underneath him and go crashing into a glass storefront.

Cyborg got up and rocketed towards Fang, fist first.

Fang dropped to his shoes, lifted his spider arms, and spun just in time to catch Cyborg's momentum and send him on his hulking way through a nearby taxi cab. It was like ballet of the damned.

And speaking of which, then came Beast Boy's turn. The changeling ran on two feet and leapt into an emerald mongoose which slinked through the shield of Fang's legs, then gorillaed up behind the creature to strike a blow. Underneath the dome of spider legs, he fought Fang's human body. He cat dodged a fist and frog leapt a kick before squid spinning into a two-legged kangaroo blow that sent Fang's human body bag floating off like a pendulum.

But it was still inside the 'spider leg dome'. Fang's human form merely swung back with an elbow that impacted Beast Boy's sudden armadillo chest. He spun in mid air for a half-second before a human hand fiercely grabbed his neck. Before Fang's second hand could join in the pummeling, Beast Boy's neck turned into a snake that slithered up Fang's arm, around Fang's body, and leapt out from under the dome of spider legs, leaving the foe alone and bewildered.

But Beast Boy was escaping a conglomerated missile of starbolts, cyborg blasts, and black magic manhole covers…

The triple impact sent Fang tumbling so hard that even I wanted to wince. But as severe as it was, it still wasn't enough. The arachnifreak was still grounded.

Robin, who had finally untangled himself from the mess of sticky garbage, dragged a banana peel off his forehead and irascibly spat: "Come on, titans! We gotta get him off his feet!"

"We're…..TRYING!" Cyborg growled, dodging a sharp spider blow after another.

"If all else fails, we've got the wildcard, right??" Beast Boy exclaimed.

Robin said nothing.

And neither did I.

Fang stabbed and stabbed and stabbed at Cyborg with his four serrated feet. The android courageously blocked and dodged every one just in time for Robin to rush up from behind, leap, and put a strangle hold on the neck of the humanoid body.

Fang struggled—suddenly caught in an awkward place. As he tried to shake Robin off, he simultaneously held the strong Cyborg off with all of his spider feet. He was open for an attack.

He was open for Starfire.

She came thundering down like a Venutian comet, hurtling every starbolt she could muster. It blasted Fang's two human legs from under him and Robin. His extra-heavy half came crashing down. But at the last second he sacrificed two of the limbs holding Cyborg in check to stretch behind him and stop his fall. Then—using his body and Robin's like a fulcrum—he picked Cyborg up with his last two spiderlegs and sent him hurtling behind him hard into a building side. Not a second after, the arachnid sprang forward and similarly flung Robin square into Starfire's gasping body. The two sailed down into a dumpster full of garbage, much to Robin's aggrivation.

Shocked at their partners' plight, Beast Boy made a charge with Raven not too far behind in the air.

Fang merely twisted and let loose a web stream at the two of them—who were unfortunately making their charge too close together.

The goo enveloped them both and splortched them stuck to the pavement of the street.

Beast Boy grimaced, all too familiar with this predicament. "Ewww! Not the Sticky again!"

A glob of spider strand meandered down Raven's immaculately, deadpan face as she drolled out: "I don't like 'Sticky'…" A second later, her eyes illuminated a pale bright gray and an entire semi truck resting behind her suddenly lifted and flew at the arachnid in the form of a titanic, black fist.

For a moment, Fang's six red eyes widened in fear. But he soon flattened himself straight against the pavement in the nick of time. The semi truck barely scraped his mandibles as it soared over him and screeched to a sparkling hault. With Raven peeved, there was no telling how quickly he wanted to abandon this brawl. He jumped up and scurried over to the two bags of money he had dropped earlier to engage in fisticuffs.

Cyborg, rubbing his skull, saw Fang's move to escape and shouted out.

Just then, Starfire floated forth from the dumpster with Robin in her grip. As the team leader took sight of Fang's flight through a hat of new banana peels, Robin gritted his teeth and mentally reached for the wildcard.

"Now! Jump him!!!"

I reacted without a moment to lose. My whole body tensed as I reached behind my back and pulled Myrkstaff from his sheathe. My heels pivoted, and I was silently sliding down a granite banister on the cathedral face. I emerged from my shadowy cover, which was now fountaining beneath my legs in black fog before jolting me out into the middle of the street with a flip, upon which I landed with the staff sailing straight down Fang's shoulder.

The blow spun his human body awkwardly between his legs. I knew I had caught him off guard, but not for long. I immediately dropped to the floor on my back and spun my whole body with the Myrkstaff stretched outward, affectively knocking out each of the four spiderlegs from under Fang. All that was left grounded was his human body, but I made good show of that. As soon as my spin was over, I sprang up with Myrkstaff like a golf club that sent the villain's arachnid body twirling upwards in the naked air.

That was it. He was off the ground.

I quickly dove out of the way for my teammates to do the work.

Before he could land, a thunderous ball of green starbolt energy plowed into his side. Fang's body flew straight into the marble face of the cathedral No sooner had he impacted that an emerald elephant was suddenly pinning his chest into the wall, forcibly stretching his four spider limbs flat against the marble. In rapid succession, for birdarangs flew from Robin's nimble hands and pinned each spiderfoot in place. They were soon made unbreakable by obsidian forcefields that a floating Raven effortlessly draped over the projectiles.

The green elephant drew away. Fang struggled hopelessly against the wall, grunting and growling. His arachnid face froze—however—as Cyborg stepped threateningly forward with a high level stun blaster aimed square at the foe's human chest.

"Nighty night."



"This just in. The escaped monstrosity of a villain, Fang, was apprehended by the brave actions of the Teen Titans tonight just in front of St. Faustina Cathedral in Downtown. Fang was supposedly running on foot—or feet in this case—after authorities believe he robbed the west branch of the First Bank. There was surprisingly less collateral damage in this apprehension—with the exception of a semi-truck and a few manholes of course—and people on the site couldn't be giving better praise. Take this eye-witness for one."

"Yeah, I saw them Titans take 'em down! It was amazing! Whammo! They take out spiders with almost more hysteria than my wif—"

"Ahem, an official investigator on the scene had this to say:"

"Though in concurrence with the Metropolitan Vigilante Act of last year we have no business questioning the activities of these local heroes of ours, it does strike our curiosity that a new member seems to be in their ranks. Although his or her identity is yet unknown to us or any of our audio-visual surveillance, it's safe to say the newcomer is completely on the Titans' side. And we here at the local bureau of investigations can't be more thankful for the increased strength of justice in this region."

"Several other eyewitnesses testify to having seen a sixth Titan present at the apprehension of Fang. It apparently matches descriptions made of nearly six dozen incidences prior to this one. Have the Titans increased their rank? And if so, who is this newcomer and what effect will it have—positively or negatively—on the crime rate in our City? Just things to ponder on. For Local News, this is Marilyn Chen. Good night."


The Tower welcomed our weary selves into the Main Room. Well, a select few of us were weary. The rest were fairly jubilant with the mighty victory at hand. Safe to say….

"Boo-ya! I'd knew we'd get him tonight!" Cyborg cheered.

"You can say that again!" Beast Boy leapt in front of him and did a jig. "I mean…we totally kicked his ass! Come on, Starfire! High five!"

The redheaded extraterrestrial giggled and slapped the changeling's palm with a smile. "Yes, Beast Boy. You are most accurate. That was indeed a wondrous pummeling of his illegitimate donkey."

"Did you see how I dodged him?! Huh?! And, like, how I dove out of the way for the three of you guys to knock the lights out of him?! Huh?! Hey, Raven! Where're you going so fast?! This is cause for celebration!"

The dark girl—who had been making a bee line the entire time from the elevator to the lateral corridors—spoke resolutely under a frowning face of spider goo. "I….am going….to take….a shower…."

A lightbulb nearby exploded, and Beast Boy cleared his throat; deciding to let it be.

"I didn't see you do nothing but make him dizzy, green man," Cyborg nudged. "It was I who gave him the final blow!"

"Pfft…chyaa! Cuz I pinned him down for you in Dumbo mode, stupid!"

"Oh, and like you would have done much without Robin's bidrarangs and Raven's powers!!"

"Come on, guys," Robin managed a smirk, scraping off the last of banana peels from his costume. "We all worked together to throw him in the cell this time."

"Robin is right," Starfire lifted a finger. "You both were of equal assistance to each other. Cyborg's sleepy ray would have been no use without the talented head of Beast Boy. And—"

"Well all I know is that I was pretty….dang….smooth….if you know what I mean," Beast Boy beamed.

Starfire blinked. She thought aloud for a response: "Mmmm…..y-you found a streamline form of animal exoskeleton without residual topographic impurities?"

Beast Boy sweatdropped. "Say what?"

Cyborg leaned down and whispered in his ear. "If you knew what she meant….then you'd be 'smooth'."

"Yeah….but what does what she gibberished have to do with me being smoothed?"

"…." Cyborg stared. "Ahem….if you knew what she meant, then you'd be 'smooth'."

"……..yeah," Beast Boy slurred.

Robin shrugged. He then looked over at me. "Good work you did too, Noir. Thanks for not coming in until we said so. It totally caught Fang off guard just in time for us to take him out."

I nodded silently, then looked towards Cyborg. Just as I expected, he had something forlorn to say.

"Before long, all the baddies in town are gonna be expecting you. Sooner or later, you'll be making entrances along with the rest of us, stealth or no stealth."

He was right. My eyes told him I understood.

"But come on!" Beast Boy uttered dramatically. "He's our wildcard, man! Which one of us can turn invisible and uninvisible on a dime, huh?! We need him for surprise!"

"Don't talk like he's not here, BB," Cyborg remarked. "Jeesh…just because he can't say anything back doesn't mean you should talk like he's in another room!"

"But that's just it! He never talks!" Beast Boy trotted over to me with cartoonish eyes of suspicion. "It's too downright creepy for him to be like that all the time. I tell you, it's an act! I know just the thing to make him snap out of it!"

In quick procession, he turned into a lemur, perched on my head, and dangled his tail entrancingly in front of my shades.

"You're getting sleeeeeeepy! You're getting sleeeeeeeeepy!"

Starfire giggled.

"Knock it off, Beast Boy," Cyborg rolled his eyes, hiding a smirk.

"You're at my everrrrrry commaaaaaand!" the green lemur continued. "Sooner or later you'll open your mouth and say a whole sent—er…ahem….I mean…saaaaaaaay a whoooooooole senttttttennnnnceeeee!"

I couldn't help it. I cracked forth a grin as a shuddering breath of humor escaped my nostrils. I picked the lemur up by the scruff of the neck and set him down on the ground, upon which he quickly turned back into an emerald elf pleading up at me.

"Come onnnn! Will ya just say one thing??"

"You know very well he can't, Beast Boy," Robin said.

I shrugged innocently.

Beast Boy hrumphed. "Jeez…what's the use of having a brand new teamer if I can't even make him laugh!"

"I don't think you've got to worry about that with anyone, BB," Cyborg chuckled.

"Dude, shut up! I'll beat you at F-Zero!"

"Oh, in your dreams, little man!!"

And the two sweaty compatriots zooped towards the entertainment center.

There was a bit of silence…something I was all too used to. Then Starfire said, dangling her hands cutely behind her back:

"Well then, I suppose I must be off to check on Raven. No one may know…she could need help with the remission of spider goo on her person."

She sauntered off down the hall. Robin watched her.

"Er……y-yeah…," the Boy Wonder muttered. I could almost picture eyes blinking dazedly underneath his mask. But again, that was just imagination and nothing more.

He looked towards me and extended a hand forth. "See ya tomorrow morning in the gym, Noir."

I smirked and firmly slapped my hand into his, upon which we formed an ever growingly mutual grip of teamwork. We released with a snap of our thumbs and he signaled the rest of the rooms' occupants goodnight before retiring to his reclusive roost.

I was alone in domain…save for the sound of the videogaming and soda bingeing pair across the way and before the Titan Monitor. There would be times for joining them—I knew—but like the others I was quite exhausted by the night's fervor and felt it best to retire myself.

I headed off slowly, easily, down a dark hallway….down a flight of stairs…down another flight of stairs…and descended into—of all places—living quarters that had been sectioned off within the very basement of the Tower itself. I chose this room in particular. And once I wrote my teammates the reason why I needed it, they perfectly understood and perfectly granted me the darkest place in the building.

Inside my room, I was bathed in utter darkness: save for a gas lantern or two I had set earlier before the whole of us tracked down Fang. I removed Myrkstaff and placed it on a mantle opposite of where my bed lay. Then, by lantern light, I stretched and then walked stealthily towards the adjacent bathroom with its wide stretching mirror within.

I leaned against the counter and stared down into the sink for a while. Composing myself. Meditating. I glanced upward and found that my black threads of hair were in a tangled mess. It's hard to keep oneself aesthetic while fighting crime. It's an awful truth. Robin suggested a bandana or a band of sorts to hold the tresses in place. Beast Boy said I should cut it some while Cyborg said I should shave the whole thing and Starfire….well….she said I should braid it. So go figure.

Nearby lantern light flickered across my neck, and I was again made aware of the all too-familiar reflection of the deep scar nestled beneath my chin. I reached a hand to it and felt once again for as many times what was missing beneath the skin. It was the most cruel scar one could possibly make. An 'X' of lacerated sort that screamed to anyone who looked close enough to me that at one hideous time a despot of some sort must have tried to mark me as his 'property'.

No matter what my new friends said, I couldn't help myself. I knew I was a sight for sore eyes. So I quickly put out the flames, removed my shades, and sat in the pitch black with my eyes.

And I felt happy.