Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga and am not Stephenie Meyer.
A/N—This is my entry for a challenge. It's not that funny in my opinion, but I did like it, so here it is. Enjoy!
Word Count: 2,799
Challenge: The January Challenge from The Challenge Forum. Humor, using line "I can't believe you just did that", 500-5,000 word limit, and due between January 5 and February 1.
The day dawned with the thinnest layer of cloud cover that I'd ever seen. It was just enough so that our vampire skin didn't sparkle, but did shine unnaturally in the light. And the snow, coating everything in sight with a depth of at least two feet, sparkled in the light. I smiled to myself as I gazed out the window at the winter wonderland from the comfort of my bed.
Edward's arms, secure around my body, finally nudged me as we both heard the faint, unique heartbeat that was Nessie's. It was slowly speeding up, indicating that wakefulness was just around the corner. Tearing my eyes away from the clouds, I rolled over, pushing myself up onto one arm. Looking down at Edward, I smiled at the sight of his 'sleep-tousled' hair and crooked smile. "Good morning."
"Mmm…good morning." His topaz eyes flickered, and grew slightly distant, before he refocused on my face again. His lips twisted slightly in a grimace. "Alice has been calling for a while."
Since I hadn't heard anything, I knew he meant mentally. I rolled my eyes as I slid out of bed, out of his grasp. "What does she want? Shopping? We can't go shopping—because even I know that's a bad idea in this weather."
"Actually, she wanted to tell us that a snowball fight is a good idea. Jacob's up at the house, and Esme's intent on making a picnic for the family," he told me.
"A picnic, in January?" I fretted. As vampires, we couldn't get sick from the cold—but Nessie? Jacob?
"Jacob is more than capable of withstanding the cold. His body temperature is ridiculously high, and he won't get sick if he makes sure to keep an eye on himself." Edward's lips twitched up at the corners. "And Nessie has a vampire's immune system."
"Meaning she doesn't need one, because she can't get sick," I sighed, wavering for a moment before sighing. "Well, if Alice thinks it's okay, and you do, too, then…I guess it's all right."
"Good. We wouldn't want that picnic to go to waste."
I suppressed a smile. "Only Jake and Nessie can actually eat the food."
"But Jacob can eat enough for the rest of us, with his appetite." Edward's voice was full of a grudging fondness—grudging, only because every father had the right to be protective of his daughter, and fond, because no matter how much of a father Edward was, he couldn't deny that we couldn't have asked for a better person for our daughter.
I chuckled to myself, slipping a thin white robe over my nightclothes. I dressed in sweatpants and a plain T-shirt whenever Nessie, Edward and I spent the night in our little home. Putting on nightclothes was one thing I did to help Nessie feel less overwhelmingly different than the rest of her family. As her mother, I was the sole confidant of those little fears and worries—well, the only one that she actually told. She knew her father knew, but he refrained from mentioning of any the unspoken fears that he overheard from her mind, giving her the sense of privacy.
Making my way through our little home, I entered Nessie's room and leaned against the doorway for a moment, smiling to myself. Her room was desert themed, a testament to the home of my youth—Phoenix. The idea of a hot, blazing sun and dry climate had intrigued her when I told her a few stories about the place I had grown up in. The room had a sandy carpet, sunset-painted walls, and stars painted on the dark ceiling. A white goose-down blanket covered a bed that was also piled high with pillows. Above the bed was a skylight that Nessie had begged for when her third birthday rolled around. Nessie had first requested a bed of her own when she reached the size of a seven-year-old child. It was a show of independence on her part. She had inherited her father's stubbornness.
My eyes were drawn to the young girl lying in her nest of pillows. Her dark hair was a messy, spread across the pillows and covering her face. Spread-eagled and flat on her stomach, her back rose and fell gently with each breath that she took. Like me, she was dressed in gray sweatpants and a plain white T-shirt, which had ridden up to her ribs during the night. She looked every inch a seventeen-year-old girl, even though she was technically six.
I reached forward and tickled the bottom of her foot.
"Yah!" Laughing, I lunged forward and wrapped my arms around her, curling around her back. "Mom!" she cried, dropping her head back to the pillows with a moan. "You woke me up!"
"You were already waking up, Nessie," I countered, releasing one arm and falling on my back. She rolled over, too, lying flat next to me. Her eyes shone brightly up at mine, despite her reluctance at being woken in that manner.
"But I wasn't completely awake yet. I was having a nice dream."
"Mm, I'm sorry, baby," I sighed, a twinge of guilt pinging in my stomach. My eyes flickered to the ceiling, to see the clouds through the sheer covering. "Have you noticed the sky?"
Her gaze flew up, and I could hear the smile in her voice. "It's going to be a beautiful day."
"Your Aunt Alice was calling for Daddy for a while. She says we're going to have a snowball fight and Esme's putting together picnic."
"How fun," she yawned, smiling. "When is Jake getting here?" I couldn't help but laugh at that, and she nudged me with her elbow. "Well, what else am I supposed to think, Mom? Why else would Grandma put together a picnic? I wouldn't eat human food, if it were up to me."
I hesitated for a moment. "You know he wouldn't mind going with you for a hunt."
She was quiet for a second, and then sighed. "But he eats too much. There wouldn't be anything left for us!" We laughed together, and then fell into silence with our eyes locked on the sky above. I could sense Edward at the door, and I knew Nessie did, too, but none of us moved for a long minute.
"Come on," I finally sighed, pulling myself up. "Get some clothes on, and we'll head up to the house."
"Okay, Mom," she sighed, rolling—literally—out of bed. I sat up, swinging my legs over the side and smiling to myself as I watched her reach under the bed and retrieve a journal and pen. She sat on the floor, cross-legged, and raised her eyebrows at me. "Well? Come on, give me at least ten minutes, won't you?" It was her dream journal, one that she wrote in faithfully when she remembered her dreams. She had picked up the habit somewhere, and for whatever reason, enjoyed it.
"Fine, fine." I stood and walked to the door, prodding Edward until he backed up. "We'll go get ready." Then I had to force Edward to walk down the hallway ahead of me.
He looked over his shoulder at me, his eyes beseeching me to let him go. "I just want to say good morning to my daughter," he grumbled playfully as I shoved him into our room.
"Good morning, Daddy!" she called down the hallway.
I grinned up at him, and he had to admit defeat. "Good morning, Nessie," he called back, before looking down at me again. "I suppose you win today. I'm all yours."
Stretching on my tiptoes, I kissed him gently on the lips before sliding my mouth to his ear. "You're always mine," I reminded him, "and she's always ours." He laughed, hands spanning my waist and holding me to him. Lowering my heels, I rested my hands against his chest. "All right, let me go get ready so we can leave. If we wait too long, Alice will come out here and drag us up there."
He released me, turning to the closet himself in search of suitable clothing for the day. I found a pair of light-colored jeans and slipped those on, trading my sleep-shirt for a white camisole. Then I tried to find a suitable sweater for the day, finding mostly fancy ones that seemed too thin for a day in the snow. I wouldn't get cold, but I did want something a bit more substantial than most of the sweaters Alice had bought for me.
I took so long sorting through the drawer that Nessie showed up in our room, wearing black jeans and a white wool sweater. She came up behind me, placing her hand on my cheek. An image of that dark blue sweatshirt she'd talked Jacob into buying me for my birthday—as a gift from both of them—appeared in my head. It was perfect. "Of course," I muttered to myself, my hands frozen in the drawer. I had forgotten about it, in my stubbornness to find a sweater. "But where did I put it?"
She hummed, and then headed for the hangers. My wearable jackets were hung up there, and she fished through the hangers to draw the sweatshirt from the back. "Where you keep the things you actually wear, of course," she told me, smiling.
"Thanks, Nessie." I threw the sweatshirt on and ducked into the bathroom to tie my hair up in a ponytail. Then—finally—the three of us headed out towards the mansion.
Nessie leapt onto my back when we reached the river, startling me into barely clearing the ice with my leap. I laughed as I caught her legs, and her arms slipped around my shoulders. Edward ran at our side, his strides long and pace slow compared to how fast I knew he could run.
Emmett opened the door for us as we strode around the side of the house, leaning over the side of the porch to congratulate Nessie on successfully surprising me. "Great jump, Nessie!"
She raised a fist in the air triumphantly. He mimicked the gesture. "Stop encouraging her, Emmett!" I scolded playfully.
"Oh, Mom—I don't need any encouragement!" she laughed, leaping off my back and racing around. She tapped Emmett's fist with hers, before spinning into the house. Edward and I followed closely, and my eyes wouldn't leave her as she twirled through the large, open main room of the house to the kitchen. "Grandma Esme!" she sang as she spun.
Esme was in the kitchen, along with Jacob. They both smiled widely at her entrance. "Good morning, Nessie," Esme beamed, her hands clasping in front of her apron.
"Morning, Nessie," Jacob smiled as well as he could with his mouth full.
My daughter came to a stop beside Jacob, perching herself on a stool beside his. "What are you eating?" she asked.
Jacob wordlessly held up a bag, from which emitted unappetizing smells. "I stopped by Sam's on my way over."
Nessie grabbed the bag eagerly. "Aw, man, donuts! Homemade ones!"
I rolled my eyes. "Thanks, Jacob, for the healthy, wholesome breakfast you supplied my daughter with."
"No problem, Bella."
On one hand, I wished she were eating something healthy—but on the other, human food really did nothing for her body. Carlisle had studied how it affected her, and Nessie really only needed blood. Human food to her was just like donuts and candy to humans, except she wouldn't grow obese from overindulging. And only Jacob could draw out a will to eat human food: as Nessie grew older, she began to feel a keen longing to fit in. Mimicking Jacob's little mannerisms helped her feel more human—more normal.
Esme finished with the picnic while the rest of our family trooped outside to enjoy the snow. The only tracks leading to the river were those of Edward, Nessie and mine, the ones from the day before covered with snow but not invisible. They created indents in the flat landscape, smooth little bowls in a curved, glistening surface.
That was quickly destroyed as Emmett blundered out onto the field, snatched up a handful of snow, and threw it into the air. The effect was a small little shower of snow over the rest of us. Nessie and I turned our faces up to the little sprinkles of pre-fallen snow, and Alice danced in it. Rosalie covered her hair with her hood.
Jasper and Edward tackled their brother.
I couldn't help laughing as I watched, especially when the cluster rolled closer to Carlisle and Emmett reached out a hand, forcefully dragging their father into the mix. Nessie leapt onto my back again as I turned to Alice and Rosalie. "Carry me, mommy," she laughed.
I grabbed her legs again and flipped her over my back, flinging her into the snow. She spread her arms and legs out and made a snow angel, and I joined her, our heads near one another. Alice and Rosalie joined in, all four of our heads in the center. When I saw Esme coming out of the house, I lifted an arm and waved her over. She grinned as she joined us, lying down between Alice and I. The shapes left in the snow would look almost like a five leaf clover.
My daughter leapt up and studied the snow for a moment, the first of us to get to our feet. It was her undoing—Jacob, as a wolf, appeared out of nowhere and tackled her. She shrieked with laughter, having noticed him just in time. Instead of knocking her into the snow, she spun and gracefully leapt on his back. "Yee-haw—who wants to race us?" she called, holding onto his shoulders.
Of course Emmett couldn't resist the challenge.
They tore off into the woods, leaving a flurry of snow in their wake. Edward, Jasper and Carlisle stopped the wrestling, laughing and teasing one another and making their way over to us. I sat up as they approached, and without missing a beat, Edward leaned down and swept me up off the ground, into his arms. I glanced back, noting that the snow angel was still intact.
Esme, Rosalie and Alice jumped to their feet, too, and Alice's eyes sparkled in mischief. "Get snowballs ready—they're coming back." I knew her plan instantly.
When Jacob and Nessie tore through the trees first, they skidded to a halt at the sight of all the armed vampires. Nessie's eyes widened, but Jacob's mouth opened in a werewolf grin. He darted to the side and lay down, letting the snow saturate into his fur coat. We could all hear Emmett grumbling as he sped through the trees, mad that he'd lost.
He appeared in the trees for an instant, and then there was only a large, Emmett-sized snowman.
We broke into laughter at the sight, and Emmett indulged us for a minute before breaking loose from his snowy prison and lunging at us. We split up, going our different ways, and picking up snow as we went. And suddenly, before I realized what was happening, we were in a full-fledged snowball fight.
It was everyone against everyone else, I realized after a moment. Snowballs that missed Emmett had hit others, and those others retaliated to the original thrower. I found myself hitting Edward and Carlisle with icy snow, and Rosalie and Jasper had blinded me twice each with snow to the face. I couldn't stop laughing. No one could.
Of course, in the middle of our snowy flurry, Jacob decided he and Nessie had to get in on the action. She hadn't moved from his back, and she couldn't seem to stop laughing, either. She was completely unaware of Jacob's intent until the werewolf leapt right into the middle of the flying snowballs. She cried out, covering her head as snow already in motion hit her instead of the intended target.
The snowballs stopped for a moment as we all realized what happened, and she lifted her snow-covered head. "I can't believe you just did that!"
Jacob grinned as she kicked him. Nessie slid off his back, grabbing a handful of snow, and he turned tail and darted away from her. "Oh, no you don't!" she called after him, already in pursuit. "Get the werewolf!"
A sure-fire way to get Rosalie in on the action… I sighed as it turned into a free-for-all again, this time with Nessie and Jacob in on the action. Granted, everyone took the opportunity to throw one snowball—at least—to hit Jacob, but soon the flying snow was hitting everyone again.
I beamed, hitting Edward on the back of the head with a large handful of snow. Above, the sun rose in the sky.