Title: Happy Anti-Valentine's Day, Severus

Author: atypicalsnowman

Pairings: Snape/Harry

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling and I do not own Harry Potter. I am also not Kevin Smith. I did not write Clerks and much of the dialogue in this crack fic was taken from his movie. I make no money from this story.

Warnings: Warnings for excessive vulgarity and crack. Please do not flame me, I am warning you. This fic is a Snarry take on a well-known conversation from the movie Clerks, so both Snape and Harry are slightly OOC. This is nothing like what I usually write and is an example fic for the Snarry discussion group Severus Sighs' Anti-Valentine's Day fic fest.

For those of you who are wondering, the next chapter of Pains and Contradictions should be up within twenty four hours. : )

Author's notes: Thank you to Torina for the quick beta and White Cotton for a read.

It is commonly said that we do not fall in love with a person but an idealized notion of perfection that we thrust upon them. While this could be said for the average man, nothing could be further from the truth for Harry Potter and Severus Snape.

For every ounce of love they had for each other, an equal portion of loathing, hatred and frustration existed. Their relationship began a few months after Harry's arrival to take up the Defense post at Hogwarts. After years of outright hatred, each knew the other's faults well enough to know exactly what they were getting themselves into.

The love they held for each other was a passionate one. There was nothing mundane about anything they did. Every argument was spectacular, and every round of fucking was something to be framed and hung in a museum.

Every jar flung at the other's head, every touch, every pull of the other's hair, scratch of nails, bite through flesh was done with the same intensity. It was no wonder that people steered clear of them.

Valentine's Day was approaching and with neither man finding themselves in a particularly romantic mood, they decided that a simple meal and drinks at the Leaky Cauldron would be more than sufficient.

It was in this frame of mind that the two men decided to appropriate the darkest booth in the establishment and proceeded to get completely drunk.

Harry looked around in a bit of a daze. "Do you think anyone can see us over here?"

Snape raised an eyebrow and with a great deal of effort said, without slurring, "Why do you ask?" His hand moved to cup Harry's cock as he said, "Can you not wait until we return home before I shove my cock up that delicious arse of yours? You have to have it right now, don't you?"

Harry scoffed. "Ooh! Can I?!"

Snape looked up from his drink with a hopeful look on his face. "Are you being serious?"

Harry rolled his eyes and said, "No, I was kidding."

Snape answered with an equally inane gesture and said, "Indeed. You, Mr. Potter, are insatiable, you little incubus. You will never have enough of my cock pounding into you. Admit it. If I so desired I could have you begging for me under this very table."

Harry chuckled into his drink. "What a typical point of view."

Snape frowned and said, "I beg your pardon."

Harry looked up and said, "It's the same with every man, every man who tops at least. You show some bedroom proficiency, and you think you're gods. What about what we do for you?"

Snape looked confused for a moment, which said something about the level of his intoxication. "You mean the submissive partner in the bedroom? As lovers they are all basically the same: they just have to be there."

Both Harry's eyebrows furrowed. "Be there?"

Snape shrugged and took a drink. "Making a dominant male climax is not at all challenging." He brought up a hand and waved it haphazardly in the air. "Insert somewhere close and preferably moist; thrust; repeat."

Harry slammed his glass down on the table. "Why, Severus, you flatter me."

Sensing the rising level of irritation in his lover, Snape moved from his side of the booth to draw closer to Harry. In what he considered his bedroom voice, he uttered, "Now, making a man come... without touching him... therein lies a challenge."

Harry would not be so easily mollified. He pulled away from Snape and said, "Oh, you think so?"

Snape allowed Harry to pull away but did not retreat himself. "The submissive partner making the dominant climax is a standard." He ran a long-fingered hand on the inside of Harry's thigh and said, "A lesser man would come the moment he was inside you. You, after all, are exquisite." Leaning away from Harry, he said seriously, "However, if the dominant can make the submissive come to orgasm untouched, that is a talent."

Harry pulled away further, disgusted. "And I'm in a relationship with you?"

Snape watched at his lover backed away, a bit confused through the drunken haze. "Is something wrong?"

Harry turned to look Snape in the eye. "I'm insulted. Believe me, Cirrano, it takes more than that to get a man off. Just "being there"- as you put it- is not enough."

Snape lifted an eyebrow. "It appears as though I have touched a nerve."

Harry's voice rose a bit in indignation. "No, I'm just astonished to hear you trivialize my role in our sex life."

Oh, Snape thought. Well, he hadn't been speaking of Harry specifically, simply men who preferred to bottom in general. He enjoyed Harry's enthusiasm in the bedroom and would never downplay the pleasure the young man gave him.

Snape looked at Harry and said, "What I said was not directed at you. I speaking about men in general... the bottom line, as if were."

Harry glared at him and said, "You were making a generalization about 'bottoms!'"

Snape met the glare head-on, and stifled an eye-roll at Harry's pun. "These are my opinions based on my experiences with the few men who were good enough to sleep with me."

Harry crossed his arms over his chest. "How many?"

"How many what?"

"How many men have you slept with?"

Snape looked away from Harry. "You are actually asking how many men I've slept with? Did we not already have this discussion once?"

"We might have; I don't remember. How many?" Harry unfolded his arms and clenched his glass in his hand tightly.

"Including you?" Snape asked.

Harry's voice rose again, this time louder. If they were not in a public setting, Snape thought, the glass in Harry's hand would have been shattered on the wall by now. "It had better be up to and including me."

Snape looked away onto some unseen tally board. He counted in his head and decided to give his lover an honest answer. "Seventeen."

Harry anger visibly dissipated while some emotion Snape couldn't place became more apparent. "You've slept with seventeen different men?"

"Including you, yes."

Harry looked at Snape like he had never seen him before, then he punched him in the arm.

"Potter! What in the name of Merlin was that in aid of?" Snape rubbed his arm where the impossibly strong young man had hit him.

"You're a pig!"

"Why did you hit me?" Snape said, still rubbing his arm.

"Do you know how many different men I've had sex with?" Harry said, still glaring.

"Will I be allowed to beat you after you inform me?"

"Three," Harry said, plainly.

Snape was surprised and had to put an effort into not revealing that on his face. "Three?"

Harry nodded. "Three including you."

"You've only had sex with three different people?" Snape asked, and this time he could not hide the astonishment from his voice.

Harry shrugged. "I'm not the pig you are." He brought his glass up to his mouth to take a sip.


Harry frowned into his glass and glared at it as if it had offended him, then looked up. "You!"

Snape sighed. "No, you imbecile. Who were the three, besides me?"

Harry met Snape's gaze dead-on. "Jonathan Astor and Robert Easton."

Snape sat back and struggled to keep the astonishment from his face. Both of the young men Harry had mentioned had been a year ahead of him in school and both in Ravenclaw. They were also both very handsome, intelligent and kind. In short, Snape could say nothing to their detriment, much to his chagrin.

Snape suffered the long moment of silence before he forced himself to croak out, "They are both... nice... young men." Seeing Harry's smile, however, allowed Snape to voice his true thoughts. "Proud of yourself, are you?"

Harry nodded again. "I am. And that's why you should feel like a pig. Seriously, Severus, would you sleep with anything that said yes?"

On some level Snape thought he should perhaps take offense to that line of questioning but could find nothing to say contrary to Potter's assumption. He aimed for levity instead. "Animal, vegetable, or mineral."

Harry put his head down to hide his smile. "Vegetable meaning quadriplegic."

"They do put up the least amount of struggle."

Harry laughed openly this time and moved closer to Snape, resting his head on the taller man's shoulder.

After few wonderful moments of silence later, Harry spoke again. "After dropping a bombshell like that, you owe me. Big."

Snape turned his head and began to nuzzle Harry's ear. The area right below his ear lobe was particularly sensitive and Snape moved to exploit his lover's weakness.

"Anything," Snape whispered right before nipping Harry's neck, causing a soft gasp to be pulled from the smaller man. "Name it."

"Let me top tonight," Harry said, no small amount of hesitation in his voice.

Snape rose an eyebrow but before he could say a word, a tall wizard in pale blue robes approached their booth.

Harry turned to face the newcomer and his face instantly went red. "Willam!"

Willam seemed a bit more drunk than both Snape and Harry put together and took a moment before he could identify who, in fact, was speaking to him.

"Harry? Hello. Hey, do you work here?"

Harry looked over at Snape, confused, then addressed the other man again.

"No, just enjoying the evening with my partner." He gestured to Snape. "This is Severus Snape."

Willam smiled and hiccupped, then extended his hand. "A pleasure."

Snape shook his hand, warily. "All mine, I'm sure," he said snidely, not that the inebriated man noticed.

"Are you still going to university, Harry?" the man asked.

"No," Harry answered. "I graduated. I'm the Defense professor at Hogwarts now."

"That's really great, Harry." William looked at his watch. "Well, I'd better go. Gotta meet a guy in an hour. You two love birds have a great night."

Harry gave a rather pained smile and said, "Thanks, we will."

As soon as the man left, Harry planted his face in the center of his right palm and said, "Well, now you've met Snowball."

"Snowball? Odd nickname. Why is he called that?" Snape asked.

"Oh," Harry uttered and with great hesitation, continued. "You remember Justin Finch-Fletchley from my year?" At Snape's nod he continued. "Well, he made up the nickname. It's a blowjob thing."

Snape frowned. "What exactly does that mean?"

Harry looked at his hands. "After he gets a blow job, he likes to have the come spit back into his mouth while kissing. It's called snowballing."

Snape face furrowed more. "He requests this?"

Harry nodded. "He gets off on it."

"Hardly an odd thing for a man to enjoy but one would think Mr. Finch-Fletchley had better taste in men."

"Why do you say that?"

Snape took a sip of his drink and said, "Well, he did commit the act with that... person."

Harry's posture slumped and he played with the drink in his hand as his eyes met the floor. "Justin? No, I snowballed him."

Snape scoffed.

"I'm serious..."

"You had oral sex with that man? That man?"

"Well, yeah. How do you think I know he liked..."

Snape stammered, which was truly a sight to behold. "But... Wait a moment- you said you have only slept with three men. Two rather well-chosen Ravenclaws and myself. You never mentioned him."

"That's because I never had sex with him," Harry replied, still looking at his hands.

"You sucked his cock!" Snape hated to resort to vulgarity but felt it was called for in this situation.

Harry looked up, and had somehow bypassed shame and had gone straight to anger. "We went out a few times. We never had sex, but we fooled around."

Snape buried his head in his hands. "Why, Potter, would you then say that you only had relations with three men? Why would you lie to me?"

"Because I did only sleep with three men! That doesn't mean I never had a bit of fun with people."

"Merlin," Snape uttered, softly. "I feel nauseous..."

"I'm sorry, Severus. I thought you understood."

"I do understand! I understand that you slept with three different men, because that is what you told me."

"Please calm down," Harry said, looking around the pub, realizing that people were beginning to stare.

"How many?" Snape said, not caring at all how many people were staring at them.

"Severus, please-"

"How many cocks have you sucked?!"

Harry's hand twisted around his glass. Yes, the glass would have been broken several times over if they had not been in a public setting. "Fine. Just be quiet for a second and I'll tell you. Merlin. You didn't see me reacting this way when you told me how many men you've fucked."

"This is different. This is important. How many?!"

"Why is it so important? I was twenty-two when we got together. You knew I wasn't a virgin."

"It just is, Potter. Tell me."

Harry looked toward the unseen tally board Snape had used earlier and counted. Only it took Harry twice times as long as it had taken Snape. "Something like thirty-six," he said in a soft voice.


"Lower your voice!"

"What the devil does that mean, 'something like thirty-six?' Does that include me?"

"Um. Thirty-seven."

"I'm thirty seven?!"

Harry moved away from Severus and out of the booth. "I'm leaving." He stood on shaky legs and went to the door. More than aware of his own inebriation, Severus moved to stop Harry from falling, all the while still completely disturbed at the shocking revelation.

"Thirty-seven? Harry! Where do you think you are going?"

Harry jerked his arm away from Severus' grasp, while the entire pub stared. "Let go of me! Listen, Snape, up until today you never even knew how many guys I'd slept with, because you never though to ask. You knew I wasn't a virgin when we got together. And then you act nonchalant about fucking seventeen different men when I never had sex with seventeen different guys!"

"Perhaps not, but you certainly sucked enough cock."

"Yeah, I went down on a few guys..." Harry said, red in the face.

"A few?"

"Yeah, a few. One of those guys was you! The last one, I might add, which- if you're too stupid to comprehend- means that I've been faithful to you since we've been together! All the other guys happened before I even came back to Hogwarts."

Harry ran a hand through his hair and stepped out of the pub. "I thought you wanted a partner. I didn't think you wanted some bashful little virgin... If you want to make an issue of this, then fine! But don't look at me like I'm the town whore, because you were plenty busy yourself, before you met me!"

Snape stepped out into the cold night air, still trying to catch Harry's arm. "Harry, what I don't understand is why the oral sex? Why didn't you just sleep with them, like any decent person?"

Harry turned and stopped. "Because sucking someone's cock isn't a big deal. I used to like a guy, we'd kiss, and sooner or later I'd go down on him. But I only had sex with the guys I really liked."

"I feel sick."

"I love you. Don't feel sick," Harry said, a small amount of desperation peppering his tone.

Snape pretended not to hear the declaration of affection, although he took note of it and every time Harry had said those words. That would be the tenth time in the eleven months they had been together. He opened his mouth to return the sentiment but what came out instead was, "Whenever I kiss you now I will be tasting thirty-six other men."

Harry looked like he wanted to punch Snape in the jaw. "I'm going to school. Maybe later you'll be a bit more rational."

"Thirty-seven. I just can't..."

"Goodbye, Severus." Harry turned and walked towards an apparation point.

In a sudden burst of anger for being left in the cold Snape bellowed, "Try not to suck any more cock on your way through Hogsmeade!"

Two men who were walking in the opposite direction of Harry suddenly doubled back and began to head his way.

"You two, come away from him at once!"