Neither one of us talked much on the drive home. I kept my eyes focused on the trees as we sped down the highway. I glanced down at my throbbing hand noticing the red blood staining through the bandage. I reached into my bag and grabbed more of the gauze that Carlisle packed for me. I felt my whole body still trembling as I wrapped more gauze around, anything to not be able to see the blood soaking through.
Of all the stupid things I could have done, getting a paper cut was not something I would have imagined could threaten to end my life so quickly. I glanced over at Edward, feeling so many mixed emotions. I didn't know how to sort through them and figure out which one best suited how I should feel in this situation. Anger? Fear? Surprise? Calm? No, I definitely didn't feel calm. Edward glanced over, noticing I was staring, but to tell the truth, I wasn't staring at him, just the space between us.
"Bella.." Edward said catching my attention, bringing him into focus. He reached over and placed his hand on my cheek, rubbing it gently. It was then that I noticed the tears that were starting slowly. I blinked, causing everything to go blurry and the tears started spilling.
"Bella, shh, don't cry" He whispered soothingly.
To tell truth, I didn't know why I was crying. The mixed emotions were so overwhelming. I took my bandaged hand and wiped my face on the fresh gauze. I brought his face back into focus, noticing his eyes were still black. Noticing he wasn't breathing anymore. Noticing the grip he had on the steering wheel. Noticing that even though he spoke to me in such a loving tone, that he was trying so hard to stay in control. I started sobbing, placing my head in my hands gently, trying not to cause more pain.
I felt the car slowly come to a stop. I knew we were not back at Charlie's yet but I didn't want to look up, I didn't want to see the pain in his eyes.
"No, no" Edward said, sounding like he was talking more to himself than to me. He reached over and put his arms around me, tucking my head under his chin, holding to to his chest. This was good. I think. I realized this this should be a comforting feeling, but then I noticed him breathing deeply, noticing he was taking in the scent of my hair. This only made me cry harder. I didn't want this to be hard for him anymore. He was trying to distract himself enough so that he could be near me, so that he could hold me properly. No words were said. I just sat there in his arms, feeling anything but comfort.
I tried to calm myself down, clouding my head with information, any information that was irrelevant to tonights incident. Christmas last year with Renee. Trying to cook the turkey only to realize three hours later that she forgot to put water in the pan. It was rather dry. My heart started slowing, It was working. I thought back again. Summer vacation with Charlie when I was 10. He desperately wanted to build me a tree fort, but it ended up looking like a lopsided upside down bird house of some sort. There wasn't even a door. He tried to spruce it up for me, painting it purple and blue. Fortunately for me, he bought indoor paint, and the rain ruined it in a matter of hours. I liked it better this way. It gave it character. That was my favorite place that summer.
A passing car brought me back to Edwards arms. The tears had stopped and my heart was back to normal. I looked up at Edwards face. Panic. I took a deep breath. Time to lie.
"I'm fine, I'm sorry" I whispered as I struggled out of his arms to get a better look at him. His face was was soft, but worried.
"Don't apologize. Everything will be alright" He said as he slipped his hand behind my head pulling me in as he closed the space between us with a soft kiss to the top of my head. He lingered there for a moment. Great, trying to control himself again with the scent of my hair.
Edward put the car back into drive and pulled back onto the road.
"What am I going to do" I thought to myself, once again glad that Edward couldn't read my thoughts. He was, however, good at reading my face. I turned to face the window again, not really looking at anything, but trying to look at something.
Several minutes passed without either of us saying anything. We finally pulled up to the house. I glanced up at my window. Where I wanted to be right now more than anywhere. I felt his hand brush against my cheek again, catching my attention.
"I can't stay tonight.." He struggled to get out. Wrapping his arms around me again, pulling me in.
"I know" I whispered, slightly cringing from the contact. I wanted to stop putting him in pain.
"I have to check on Jasper, make sure he's alright" He said as he pulled my chin up, looking into my eyes.
"I know.." I agreed, looking into his black eyes. He wasn't breathing. I started to pull away when he pulled me close again, kissing the top of my head.
"goodnight" I said as i reached for the handle.
"Sweet dreams" he said softly as I got out of the car. I closed the door behind me, feeling relieved, knowing that he would be feeling some sort of relief with the scent of my blood getting farther away.
I walked towards the house, realizing that Charlie wasn't going to be too happy about my hand, but that was the least of my worries right now. I grabbed the door knob and turned around to see Edward waiting for me to safely enter the house. He reached one hand up to his mouth and blew me a kiss. Think quick. I smiled a little and opened the door quietly. I closed the door behind me and leaned my back on the door, as I started to cry quietly. I could hear the game coming from the living room. Charlie couldn't hear me. I sat there curled up for a couple minutes. I couldn't to this anymore. I couldn't cause Edward and his family pain. I loved them as if they were my own family, but I was hurting them.
"I can't do this anymore" I said under my breath.