Okay, I came up with this in the middle of the night and had to write it. It's silly, but Merlin help me, I like it. It's from a six year-old Harry's perspective.
Disclaimer: I do not own rights to the Harry Potter series or Batman comics and will make no money off this story.
A Conversation with Batman
By Ponytail Goddess
"Oh my goodness, oh my goodness—Batman, wait 'til I tell you what happened to me to today! I think I've died and gone to heaven, it's been so nice! Okay, so it didn't start out very nice, in fact, it started out as right rubbish, but it got much better!
Anyway, so my day started out rather normal—I woke up before my auntie and uncle and started breakfast as usual. I made them up some bangers, eggs, and toast and what did I get for breakfast? Cold porridge from yesterday, that's what! It was terrible and it smelled funny too. I made the mistake of saying that out loud and then Uncle Vernon said "Quit being shirty you bloody little shite and eat your breakfast!" so I ate it anyway while listening to him go on and on and on and on and on about how ungrateful I was and how Santa doesn't bring presents for ungrateful little sods like me.
I was only half way done with my pukey porridge when Uncle Vernon made me get up from the table and go shovel the walk. He shoved me outside without my coat, which was actually okay because my coat has a lot of holes in it anyway and it doesn't really keep me warm. So, I was really, really cold because of the snow and I could see my breath in front of me—it made me look like I was smokin' a fag! Isn't that silly Batman?
Normally I don't mind my chores all that much, but shoveling the walk is really hard because the shovel's this big and I'm only this big, see? It's heavy too and I have a hard time liftin' it up when it's full of snow. I did my best though and I was halfway done before my hands started feelin' numb.
Right about then, I started feeling really angry with Uncle Vernon and I decided I was going to start calling him "Uncle Ulcer" in my head. You know why, Batman? It's 'cuz ulcers really hurt and are annoying, just like my uncle—I know because I had one once and Auntie Petunia said there was medicine for it, but I couldn't have any because it was for little boys that aren't freaks like her little Diddykins.
That was kinda funny because her "little Diddykins" really isn't little at all.
Anyway, I had just finished the walk when Dudley came along and tripped me, then started to use the shovel to bury me alive with snow! It was horrible and it got worse when Uncle Ulcer stuck his fat head out the door and started laughing at me and telling Dudley what a good job he was doing burying me. Then, after Dudley was finished, Uncle Ulcer said I had to shovel the walk again since bloody Dudley had cocked up the walk!
By the time I finished, I was so cold that I thought I was gonna die! I ran to the door so quickly when I finished, that I slipped and fell and hurt my head really badly on the walk. It made me sleepy and so I went to sleep and that's the end of the bad part Batman—it gets really brill now!
I woke up and I was somewhere I'd never been before and guess who was standing over me—Father Christmas and Batman! I'm not just talking about a toy Batman like you either; I'm talking about the real Batman, complete with a black cape and everything!
I was so cold at first that I couldn't ask any questions, so Batman gave me this mug of hot cocoa, which kinda tasted funny, but I drank it anyway because it was from Batman! Guess what—it made my cold go away, so I'm really glad I did!
After my special cocoa, I felt really good and I asked Father Christmas if he was the real one and he laughed and said he wasn't Father Christmas and that his name was Albus Dumbledore. I told him that was good because I was mad at Father Christmas for not bringing me any presents ever because I was always a good boy and Dudley wasn't, but he got presents and I didn't. Mr. Dumbledore told me it was probably just a big mistake and that Father Christmas would make up for it this year. I sure hope he's right.
Next, I asked Batman if I was in the Batcave, because it kinda looked like I was. Batman looked a little confused and asked if the muggles had hit me on the head with the snow shovel. I told him I didn't get hit on the head with it today and that he was being silly because everyone knew that Batman lived in his batcave.
Mr. Dumbledore thought all of this was really funny and I still don't know why…
Anyway, then Batman told me a secret—his real name isn't Bruce Wayne, it's Severus Snape! I don't blame him for keeping it a secret: Severus is a really weird name and I don't think I'd want other people knowing about it either. I told him I wouldn't tell anyone his secret and he looked confused again.
Mr. Dumbledore and Batman then started talking to each other like adults and it got really really really boring for a while. Batman looked kind of angry at what was being said, but I didn't really pay attention. I was too busy looking around the batcave, which has quite a few more beds than I would have expected. Also, there weren't any bats on the ceiling like I had hoped, which was kinda disappointing.
I was just trying to figure out where the Batmobile was when I was hoisted out of my bed and Batman took my hand and we started walking! He was walking really fast too and I had a hard time keeping up until Father Christm-I mean, Mr. Dumbledore told him to slow down.
Mr. Dumbledore told me this place was called Hogwarts and it was a big castle in Scotland. I think Hogwarts must be the real name for Bruce Wayne Manor, which is a name that I would also want to hide because it's weird too.
You know what's even weirder? There are lots and lots of children at Hogwarts who are older than me and guess what? They all know my name! All of the kids kept saying hi to me when I went by and I said hi back and it was a lot of fun.
We went down all of these staircases while I said hi to kids and some of the stairways moved! I asked Batman if they were electronic and he said no. He said they were magic staircases and that if I saw anything else odd, it was magic too! That was good because I was about to ask him about all of the talking pictures and then I didn't have to.
Once we finished going down the stairs, it looked like we were in the real batcave 'cuz it was kinda cold and there were torches lighting it. I then remembered the question I had always wanted to ask Batman and I asked it. I asked, "Batman, do you wear pants under your costume and are they colored or are they black like your costume?"
Batman stopped and looked outraged and at first, I was a bit scared that he might hit me like Uncle Ulcer did when I asked him annoying questions. Then he said, "Harry, of course I wear pants under my clothing, you silly child! It's not appropriate for you to ask other people about their pants though and I expect you to not do it again, you naughty child. Do you understand?"
I told him I did understand and asked if he was going to hit me for asking naughty questions. He told me no and that he would never hit me ever and he looked really sad. I felt bad about being naughty and said I was sorry and took Mr. Dumbledore's hand instead because I felt bad. Mr. Dumbledore then whispered in my ear that he knew for a fact that Batman wasn't mad at me and then asked me if I could keep a secret. I said I could and he told me that Batman liked to wear silver and green pants with little snakes on them. I laughed and said I was going to ask Father Christmas for some just like that next year and Mr. Dumbledore said that I would probably get them.
I'm gonna have pants just like Batman's! Yay!
We came up to this big portrait of a scary man with a big snake! The snake said hi to me and I said hi back and then Batman said a very dirty word that I had better not say or I'll get in trouble. He looked shocked and I don't know why.
Then, the portrait opened up like a big door and we got to go in and it was a really cool house with a fireplace and everything! It was much nicer than the Dursley's house and I loved it! I told Mr. Dumbledore that I wished I could live in such a brill house and he asked me if I'd like to and I said yes several times while jumping up and down because I was so excited.
He then sat me down and told me that Batman had saved me from dying outside after I slipped because I might have died out there in the cold and that Batman wanted me to come and live with him in his super ace house!
I asked Batman if it was true and he said yes. He looked really angry in the face, but he didn't sound angry, so I think he really meant it! Then he asked me if I wanted to see my room and I jumped around some more and said yes, yes, yes! Then I knew he was telling the truth because there was already a room there with a sign on it that said Harry's room and it was filled with toys and a big bed like I've never had before. I got to play in it for the rest of the day and it was great because Dudley wasn't there to hurt me or take away my toys!
Batman came and got me when it was dinnertime and I got to eat at the table with him! And I got to eat the same thing too and it was really yummy roast beef that I didn't have to cook! Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, Batman gave me a real Batman figure and said it was a special toy from Mr. Dumbledore for me! That's you, in case you don't know! You're my new Batman toy and I like you this much, but not as much as I like the real Batman because he told me his real name and said he'd take me outside to play in the snow tomorrow! I can't wait!
I gave Batman a hug after that and said thank you several times because I was so happy! Batman looked kind of embarrassed, but I think he secretly really liked the hug and I plan to give him another tomorrow!
I just hope I don't wake up and find out this is a dream because then I'd be really sad. It almost seems too good to be true though and I don't want to wake up if it's a dream, so that's why I'm staying up and talking to you, Batma-"
"Mr. Potter—Harry, go to sleep. If you don't stop talking to that toy I'm going to have to take it away. You were supposed to go to sleep an hour ago."
"Yes sir. I'm sorry for disturbing you sir."
"Apology accepted. Now go to bed Harry."
"This isn't a dream, is it? I'm not going to wake up and be at the Dursley's again, am I?"
"No…I promise you Harry, you will wake up here and not at the Dursley's. You're never going back there again."
"Even if I'm bad?"
"Not even if you're bad."
"Even if I'm really bad?"
"Not even if you're really bad."
"Even if I'm really, really bad?"
"Harry, no more questions—you're never going back there ever so stop asking."
"You didn't need to tuck me in again, sir."
"Yes I did. Now go to sleep."
"That's not my name Harry."
"Oh, whoops…I keep forgetting. Goodnight Severus."
What do you think? Have a great day and thanks for reading!