Commander Cain's Rules On Diplomacy
"That really was a weird mission," Zach admitted as the Rangers went into their office to finish up the paperwork and write their reports on what happened. "Even for us."
"Hey I got to see Max again, inspired a younger version of me, had a good fight and caught two senators that were on the Supertrooper Committee," Shane said proudly. "That was a good mission for me!"
"I gotta admit it was interesting for me as well," Niko shrugged.
"Well I'm glad someone had a good time," Zach said sarcastically.
"I did!" Doc smiled. "I got so much work done program wise! I must have done three months worth of programming in just a few hours! It was great! I wish I could talk to myself more often!"
"Attention BETA Mountain," A voice boomed on the intercom. "This is Commander Cain speaking. Listen up. As you know tomorrow there will be an interplanetary conference of the League of Planets on the Andorian ship Almera. We're expected to provide security so screwing up is not an option! Repeat, screwing up is not an option!"
"That's tomorrow?" Doc blinked. "I'd forgotten all about that."
"I thought it was next week," Shane said.
"Here are a few basic rules to keep in mind while at the conference," Cain read them over the intercom. "Rule Number One: No double dipping! I've seen this happen a lot at parties. You all know who you are. Don't do it. Just remember, one dip per chip. Or pretzel or whatever you're dipping!"
"It's probably Rangers Allen and Charles," Niko spoke to Shane. "I've seen them do it at every party."
"Ranger Chirwaski does it too," Shane nodded.
"That's probably the only rule our team hasn't broken," Zach rolled his eyes.
"Rule Number Two: Keep Bubblehead away from the conference as much as possible!" Cain shouted.
"You mean I can't go?" Bubblehead was heard chirping.
"NO!" Cain shouted. "AND GET OUT OF MY FILING CABINET!"
"But these files go so well with my barbecue potato chips!" Bubblehead tweeted.
"YOU DON'T EVEN EAT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THEM?" Cain was heard shouting several rude words over the intercom.
"Oh boy…" Shane winced. "I'm gonna get an earful about this."
"Sounds like you're gonna get both ears full," Doc snorted.
"Here's a good rule kids!" Bubblehead chirped. "Don't swear! It's rude!"
"I'll show you rude you little…" Cain shouted as a scuffle was heard.
"AWWK! AWWK! Crazy human on the loose!" Bubblehead chirped. "YEOW! Okay! Okay! I know when I'm not wanted!"
"Since when? And stay out!" Cain shouted, the sound of something else being thrown and broken was heard.
"One of these days I have got to find a Bubblehead proof cage," Shane winced.
"Don't you think you should go find Bubblehead?" Niko asked.
"If I do that I might actually find him!" Shane said.
"Okay where was I? Oh yes, rules for code of conduct. Another good rule, please keep your jokes as clean as possible! And don't say anything about broccoli! You know how touchy the Brachiae are! Of course, if I looked like something that should be dipped in melted cheese I'd be a bit touchy too." Commander Cain spoke.
"Cain's such a shining example to us isn't he?" Doc quipped.
"Next Rule: Do not mention Commander Walsh if you can help it!" Cain went on. "If someone else brings it up, try to direct the conversation away from it! Especially if Gooseman is in the room."
"Grrrrrr…" Shane growled.
"Sorry Gooseman but the truth hurts," Cain spoke. "Speaking of hurting, Ranger Niko please do not harm any female delegates who flirt with Ranger Gooseman or throw themselves at him. We all know you have issues but please try to keep them under control."
"WHAT?" Niko shouted.
"Ha ha," Doc snickered.
"On that same note Ranger Hartford please refrain from hitting on any of the female delegates yourself," Cain added. "Before their husbands and or boyfriends hit you!"
"Hey!" Doc barked.
"Also do not, repeat, not get drunk!" Cain spoke out. "Especially you Series Five Rangers. I have the security footage obtained from a few bars as proof alcohol and the four of you are a bad combination!"
"There's video of that…?" Zach was startled. "Wait, which incidents?"
"I am of course referring to some wonderful karaoke performances, flights of fancy while being high on cough syrup, a few fights at bars…" Cain went on. "And of course the most memorable of all, Captain Foxx's impersonation of a naked cowboy riding a mechanical bull."
"There's a tape of that?" Zach yelled.
"It's amazing what you can get on security cameras these days!" Cain said cheerfully. "By the way Foxx I sold your wife a copy of that performance for over a hundred credits."
"I am never going to live that down," Zach buried his face in his hands.
"Cheer up Zachery," Shane patted his back. "It wasn't that bad. Oh wait, it was."
"Gooseman that also goes for you and Lingling berries," Cain added. "I've heard there is a possibility they will be served at the party so don't you dare go anywhere near them! I also sold some footage of you acting like a lunatic while being high as a kite on them. Stingray and Darkstar are laughing at your antics as we speak."
"Oh crap…" Shane winced.
"Cheer up Goose," Zach said sarcastically. "It wasn't that bad. Oh wait! It was!"
"The rest of you nut jobs aren't exactly the most civilized drunks I've seen either," Cain went on. "We all know what happened the last time Ranger Bennett got drunk and what she did in the closet with four rangers, an ambassador, a pair of handcuffs and that toilet plunger!"
"Certainly lived up the Christmas party," Doc quipped.
"Doc weren't you in that closet?" Shane gave him a look.
"I plead the fifth," Doc sniffed.
"Which leads me to my next little rule about making out while you're on duty," Cain went on. "A rule quite a few of you are bending until…Aw who am I kidding? That rule was shattered to pieces! I mean you Ranger Bennett! Stay out of the closet! And out of the liquor cabinet!"
"I don't know why I always worry about doing things by the book when everyone around me is completely bonkers," Zach groaned.
"Says the naked cowboy," Doc quipped.
"You weren't exactly wearing much at the end of your last karaoke performance!" Zach snapped.
"Now normally I don't really give a damn about that last rule," Cain pointed out. "Unfortunately since we're trying to salvage Earth's reputation I think it would be prudent if we put our hormones on hold for a little while. At least until the conference is over and the closet in the hallway is cleaned up."
"I'm surprised Ranger Bennett hasn't moved in there the way she hangs around that place," Niko folded her arms.
"Please also observe the dress code. In other words stay dressed and no nudity! Also do not set anything on fire!" Cain spoke. "I know it's a common sense rule but after last afternoon's little mishap in the cafeteria I think I should remind certain people that. Rangers Charles, Allen…Q-Ball!"
"Anything's better than eating some of the stuff in the cafeteria," Shane quipped.
"Also a little note to the Security Team, the tricycle races and goldfish shows are canceled until further notice," Cain went on. "Plus the trampoline is out of commission and needs to be repaired."
"The what?" Doc blinked.
"You ever wonder what goes on around here when we're on missions?" Shane asked.
"I'd rather not know," Zach groaned.
CRASH! CRASH! CRASH!
"Speaking of rather not knowing…" Shane winced. "Please don't let it be…"
"GOOSEMAN! COME HERE AND GET YOUR STUPID MEMORY BIRD!" Cain yelled. "AND HIS WEIRD LITTLE FRIENDS!"
"Friends?" Shane asked. "What friends?"
"TV! TV! PARTY TONIGHT!" A little metallic voice called out.
"WHY HAVEN'T THESE STUPID TOYS BEEN BANNED YET?" Cain yelled as the sound of tiny gunfire and things breaking was heard.
"You think I could go hide in the closet for a bit?" Shane asked.
"As long as Ranger Bennett isn't in it," Niko gave him a look.