A/N: Yeah, I got bored of doing Leah. Plus, this might get more reviews. So, here's Caffeine?! Where?!, a series of one-shots about various members of the Cullen family and their discovery of their new best friend: caffeine. Let's just pretend it works on vampires, all right? I'll just say this before I get a million reviews saying how this is OOC and vampires can't drink caffeine. For the sake of humor, we'll just pretend. Because the end result is hilarious! First up is Alice. Hee hee!
Disclaimer: I don't own this story. Or the characters. Wish I owned Alice!!!
Chapter One: Ooh, Shiny
Hey, there's a…weird thing in my brain. Everything's all smoky now…ooh…hey, here's Bella!
"BELLA!!!" I scream. Ugh, look at her clothes. Talk about ugly. Need new clothes, need to shop, ooh, I picked out a nice dress for her yesterday…
"Um, Alice?" Huh? Oh yeah, it's Bella.
"Hi Bella!" I shout again. Why's she looking at me all weird? My hair's fine, my clothes are new, and…CLOTHES! NEED CLOTHES FOR BELLA!
"Bella, we're going shopping! Now! Come now! Shopping!" I repeat, nodding my head vigorously. Bella needs clothes fast! Those ugly things can go to the Salvation Army!
"Um…Alice? Are you okay?" Her face looks familiar...her expression looks...what's the word again? Oh, wait, I have to answer Bella.
"I'm fine! I'm ab-so-lu-te-ly fine!" I sing. Come on, Bella, come on. Need to shop. Now.
"Let's go, let's go, let's go!" I cry. Can't she hurry up, for God's sake?
"Um, where's Edward?" Bella asks. I'm seeing red. No, wait, orange. Or yellow? Hey! My Porsche is yellow! And now we have to go, go, go!
"Edward's hunting! Let's GO!" I shout. Bella can be so irritating sometimes.
Porsche, Porsche, Porsche, where's my Porsche, oh there it is! Ooh, it's shiny. Shiny. I stare at it. Bella's still looking at me funny. I wonder why.
"I'll, um, go…" I don't hear the rest of what Bella says. I'm too busy staring. It's so shiny…
"EMMETT!" Hey, it's Bella again. Oh, she's talking to Emmett? I wanna talk to Emmett! I run over to the staircase. Ooh, there he is!
"Hi Emmett! Hi hi hi!!!" I wave. "Emmett, can you see me? I'm right here!" I wiggle my fingers in front of his face.
Emmett laughs. "Looks like someone got a caffeine overdose."
"What's caffeine?" I ask. I've never heard of it. Ooh, is it a fashion company? I wanna see! I wanna see!
"Um, happy juice. Remember happy juice?" asks Emmett.
Flashback. Emmett gives me a metal tube, and says there's happy juice in it. He shoves it down my throat. And then…the smoky thing in my brain. Weird smoky thing. But the happy juice was so yummy…I want more!
"YES! Happy juice! I want more happy juice! Gimme!" I growl and tackle him. "GIVE ME NOW!!!!"
"Okay, Alice. Okay. Calm down. I'll, um, give you the, um, happy juice," says Emmett. He looks weird. His eyes are all big and his eyebrows are curved up. What's the word for it again? Oh, whatever. I need my happy juice! NOW!
Wait, there's a new person coming down. Yay, it's Jasper!
"JAS-PER! JAZZY-JAZZ JASPER!!!" I run up to him and hug him. "HI JASPER! Do you know where my happy juice is? Need happy juice. Need now. NOW!"
But Jasper's not looking at me. Why isn't he looking at me? He's looking at Emmett. Hey, his eye's all twitchy and his face is scrunched up.
"What…did…you…do…to…Alice?" He growls. He's so sexy when he growls. But wait. I need my happy juice!
"Jazz! Look! Look at meeee!!! I…want…happy…juice!" I turn his head toward me. If I was going to have to knock him down to get my happy juice, I would do it. Nothing blocks my happy juice.
"Alice…why don't you go to the garage and look at your Porsche while I kill Emmett?" Jasper asks sweetly. Darn it, I can't not do it when he's asking me like that. Wait, what did he say again? Something about the garage and my Porsche? Ooh…Porsche! Shiny! I run to the garage. So shiny…oh, there's Bella. Hi Bella!
"Hi Bella!" I turn my biggest smile on her. Hey, why's she walking away? And her face looks like Emmett's. Is there something wrong with me?
"Bella, why are you going away?" I pouted. "You're my best freeend…." I give her my cutest puppy dog face.
"Oh my god, this has gone way too far. Um, Alice, I have to call Esme, okay? You can…go find your happy juice. Ask Carlisle."
Car-ly-ull? Oh, Carlisle. He knows where the happy juice is? HAPPY JUICE! NEED HAPPY JUICE!
"CARLISLE!!!!" I storm into his study. "GIMME HAPPY JUICE NOW!!!"
"Alice? What's this? Happy juice? Oh my god, what is going on down there? It sounds like they're fighting…and oh lord, what's that?"
Clangy noise…weird. Loud clangy noise…downstairs. I wanna see! I run downstairs. Hey, why's Emmett look all weird? And what's that round thing in Jazzy's hand? Ooh, Jazzy's on top of him…I wanna jump on Emmett! He looks so bouncy! Jump, jump, jump…
"Alice!" Ooh, it's Carlisle. Hi Carlisle.
"What?" I ask. What did I do? I didn't do anything.
"Get off your brother this instant!"
"Why? It's soo fun!!!" I whine. Emmett was so bouncy…
Carlisle yanks me off him. Hey! Why's he doing that? Oh, now Jazzy's off him too. Jazzy's screaming at Emmy now…And there's Esme!
"EZZZZZZMEEEEEE!" I yell. "HIIIIIIIII!" Oh, there's Bella. "HII BELLA!!!"
Esme and Bella look at each other funny. Bella's saying something to her. Why is she talking? I don't want her to talk! I want my happy juice!
"Alice, dear, we're going to take you to your room, all right? Then you can sleep. Carlisle will help you sleep, right Carlisle?" Esme said. But wait, I can't sleep. Or can I? Ooh, now there's something in my arm…I'm all…sleepy…
A/N: Poor Alice. Did you like it? Sorry this was short, but it was getting kinda annoying to write and to read, I'm sure. Review, review, review! If you don't review, I will discontinue this story! I need suggestions for who to attack for Chapter Two! Oh, and, by the way, the round thing in Jasper's hand was a frying pan, and the metal tube was a soda can.