Disclaimer: Kripke owns all. Including a fair-sized chunk of my soul.
Crackfic is its own excuse, yo.
Folks Like Us (Do It In DeLoreans)
Ruby thought it was a ridiculously stupid idea from the start. Pretty much any plan that starts with "As the Lord says" and ends with "and then we raise him ourselves in the footsteps of Our Eternal and Glorious Father"? Yeah, pretty much destined to suck.
Plus, you know, time travel. She's not such a fan of time travel. Because, well, everyone knows that shit never ends well, right? Seriously, who doesn't know that?
Fucking angels, that's who.
"This is a really bad idea, Sparky," she pointed out. Castiel actually looked a little offended, before he went all stoic-faced and holier-than-thou on her. Which, okay, if the shoe fits—but still. Annoying. She got enough of that from Dean freakin' Winchester.
"It is God's will," Castiel said, in what had to be the greatest and most literal deus ex machina of all time.
"You should tell him to stop smoking the bad shit, then," Ruby replied irritably, unimpressed.
Castiel heaved a put-upon sigh. "Ruby. Even you were once one of His beloved children. I am offering you the opportunity to…repair burnt bridges."
"You don't repair burnt bridges, you blackmail someone into building new and better ones that, oh, I dunno, aren't made of a flammable substance," Ruby pointed out reasonably enough. "Though I gotta ask, why are you even coming to me with this? I mean, seriously, if you wanna go back in time and raise little Sammy Winchester to be even more of a boy scout, whatever, fine, just make sure he still knows how to do that thing with his hips when we meet up again."
"The…thing with his hips," Castiel repeated, blinking.
"Yeah. It's this swivel-thrust thing he does when he's really worked up, you know, and it's better than French fries, man, I'm telling you. Unf." She enjoyed his flinch far more than was probably healthy, but hey, a girl's gotta get her kicks somewhere.
Castiel didn't look impressed. Mildly horrified, yes, but not impressed. Probably because he hadn't ever experienced the Winchester Swivel (capital letters fairly earned, in Ruby's books) for himself, the poor deprived bastard.
"You have dedicated yourself to…training Samuel," Castiel said solemnly, apparently disregarding the Swivel entirely, which, fine, his loss. He stared her straight in the eye, which, uh, kind of awkward, really. "To protecting his life and his interests, even when they do not coincide with your own safety and interests. It would be…foolish, I think, to disregard such ready devotion."
Ruby felt a little ill, because the last thing any self-respecting demon ever wanted to be was 'devoted', but when she tried to marshal a good argument proving her detachment from the Winchester situation, well. Miserable failure kind of summed it up.
"Still," she muttered. "The guy's the best lay I've had in, well, a good couple of centuries, and now you want me to go be his mommy? That's a little messed up, Feathers. I mean, I'm kinky, yeah, kind of a prerequisite for the job, but still. Not my kind of kinky."
Castiel looked pained, but that was okay, because this entire conversation was giving Ruby a headache and she was real, real fond of revenge. Always had been, which was why she was a demon in the first place, really.
"Please do not call me…Feathers," the angel said, and the whole dramatic pause thing he had going on was really starting to wear on Ruby's nerves. Not to mention the intense wide-eyed stare, which was beginning to border on outright creepy. "The plan is going forward soon. Do you want to be a part of it or not, Ruby?"
She huffed, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, fine, whatever. Hell, if nothing else, at least this way he won't have his big brother attached to his hip all the time." There were very few things, in hell or on earth, as annoying as an overprotective Dean Winchester.
"Not immediately, certainly," Castiel agreed, and before she could demand to know exactly what that meant, the world shifted.
Someone had to teach these assholes that 'soon' did not mean 'in three seconds'.
Kidnapping Sam Winchester was…well. Ridiculously easy, as it turned out, which Ruby found kind of disappointing, given all the tall tales she'd heard about John Winchester and his demon-hunting ways. Some of the more senior demons, the ones who actually managed to find their way above ground before the Winchesters screwed the pooch and let all hell escape, got real talkative whenever someone broke out the marshmallows and set a couple of souls to a nice, bright, slow roast.
Castiel, what with being the quintessential good guy, decided to do everyone a favor and turn up on the night that Mary Winchester had originally flambéed on the ceiling while Sammy got a mouthful of the good stuff. All it took was a touch of Castiel's finger to her forehead and the woman was out for the count, barbecue canceled on account of angel, while across the hall, little Sam guzzled demon blood in undisturbed joy. Ruby decided that if she ever met John Winchester, she was totally going to mock him for having a floral comforter. Real badass, all those delicately stitched pink and white flowers.
When Ruby peaked in on Sam's room, admittedly curious about the hell-changing event taking place in the nursery, Azazel was kind of beaming down at the kid in this disturbingly proud-daddy sort of way. She had to roll her eyes, because it figured that ol' Yellow-Eyes was really just that fucked in the brain.
Castiel swooped in the second Azazel disappeared, lifting Sam out of the crib kind of gingerly, like he expected the kid to go nuclear in his hands or something. Ruby almost rolled her eyes again, but didn't, because it was already becoming pretty clear that this was going to be a disaster from start to finish, and if she didn't try for some measure of moderation, she'd develop fatal eye-strain before the week was through. Which normally wouldn't be a problem, but she had a feeling Castiel wouldn't be any less moral than the miniature Antichrist gurgling in his arms, and good-looking yet brain-dead bodies were kind of hard to come by.
"So we're seriously doing this," she said, low enough that John Winchester wouldn't come barreling through the door. She wasn't quite ready to face him just yet--she hadn't thought up enough floral-related jokes, after all. "Setting up house and raising the Antichrist."
"Raising him to be wise and virtuous and strong, yes," Castiel agreed, a gleam in his eyes. "One might, in the end, call him a...Prochrist."
Sam gurgled, eying Castiel worriedly.
"Oh, I know the feeling, kid," Ruby sighed.
Ruby agreed not to talk about the time baby Sam smeared mashed banana all over Castiel's face and got some up his nose, too, but only because whenever she did, Castiel would bring up that time he'd caught her blowing raspberries onto baby Sammy's stomach just to make him giggle.
"I'm, uh, practicing new torture techniques," did not, as it turned out, fool even the angel. He even got a bit snarky about the whole thing.
Those were the parts she could do without, honestly.
Making sure Sam's first word was a vague approximation of 'buttsex', though? Fucking priceless.
Preschool was a revelation. Like, epic levels of Biblical end-of-days-style revelation.
Because, see, the thing was—she and Castiel had both gotten, well, kind of attached to Sam. And no one knew better than Ruby what dangers lay in wait for the kid, so she was understandably a little nervous about letting the boy go off on his own, while Castiel spent the entire month before the first day of school freaking out about the Terrible Sinful Influence Of Kids Today and lecturing Sam about peer pressure and Just Saying No while the kid sighed and nodded and rolled his eyes a lot. Sam was nearly late for his first day, they spent so long drilling him in the Ways of Morality (Castiel) and Badassery (Ruby) in the car beforehand.
"Samuel," Castiel said intently, twisting around in the passenger seat and reaching a hand back to rest on Sam's shoulder, in an unusually paternal gesture. "Remember to always tell the truth, even when it is difficult. Honesty promotes inner purity."
"Don't eat paste, kid," Ruby interjected wisely.
"Should anyone be cruel to you, show them kindness in return; bullies often act out to cover intense inner pain and personal insecurity. You must be a friend to make friends."
"Knee to the 'nads if they get too frisky, though, short stuff," Ruby advised, and seriously, it was still so freaking weird, being around a Sam Winchester who didn't tower over everyone Jolly Green Giant style. Really weird. That was why she felt so disoriented, right now. Had nothing to do with sending the kid off to school. Really.
Castiel paused in his no-doubt practiced sermon long enough to frown at her, but she just raised her eyebrows, conveying wordlessly yet eloquently that hey, if the kid was gonna grow up to fight the good fight, they couldn't raise him to always turn the other cheek, right? Right. Now shut up and send him off so we can get fries, Halo-boy.
"Look," Sam piped up, clutching his book-bag and glancing wistfully out the car window at the school building, "we've been over all this. Five times. I'm not going to beat anyone up or lie to the teacher or eat paste or sniff anything I find under the sink--"
"Have I taught you nothing?" Ruby asked sadly.
"Yeah, to only sniff the good shi--uh, stuff," Sam retorted, and Castiel kind of looked like he was having a heart attack.
"Language, Samuel!" he cried, sending Ruby a truly nasty glare. If she hadn't already known him and his epic levels of lameness, she might have been a little intimidated. As it was, though, she smiled back unrepentantly.
"Sorry," Sam mumbled, a little shamefaced.
"Okay, all right, we're done now. But remember," Ruby added, before sending him off to face the cold, cruel world of elementary school alone, "using your mad mental skills to make bullies cough up their lunch money? That's justice, baby."
Ten minutes later, they were Samless but up to their necks in french fries. Ruby told herself it was more than a fair trade, and that this was not a comfort-fries session, but had a sinking feeling that, Jesus, she would totally take Sam's grin over greasy food any day. Well. Maybe not Mondays. But still...
That sentimental shit was just not on.
Castiel stared mournfully into his ketchup. "I wonder what he's doing right now," he said, about as emo as an angel of the Lord could get. "What if an older child hurts him? Or a teacher treats him unfairly? Will he Just Say No, if a fifth grader pressures him into marijuana?"
"Uh," Ruby said, staring.
"Ruby. Have we prepared him adequately for the situations he might have to face in…preschool?" The angel's face was a picture of fatherly fear.
"Shit, just eat your fucking fries," Ruby grunted, because she was kind of wondering the same thing (although not about the drugs, because seriously, they had at least five years before that might come up) and it was making her seriously question her own innate badassery. Because Jesus, they were worried about a kid handling preschool. It was disgusting.
When they picked Sam up later and quizzed him about his day, Ruby told herself she was only in it for the gossip. Which, considering Sammy and his classmates weren't even in their double digits, was surprisingly good. Apparently, some girl named Jaye spent the entire day following Sam around and making fun of his hair.
"She pulled it, too," Sam said, scowling, and it just figured he'd be the girl in his relationships.
"On the first date?" Ruby asked, impressed. Jaye sounded like her kinda kid. "Precocious little thing."
"Lust is a sin," Castiel muttered.
"Uh," Sam said, looking a little trapped and a lot confused. "Okay?"
"Someone else got the last Ken doll," Ruby snarled, stalking over to where Castiel was flipping through a selection of particularly tame picture books, Sam pressed against his side. The Toys'R'Us was full to bursting, but there was a small lull around Sam, in part because it was the book area (seriously, the one thing she and Castiel agreed on was the tragic idiocy of People Today) and in part because even complete strangers felt awkward whenever Castiel was around.
Both looked up at her warily.
"You wanted a Barbie?" Sam asked, blinking, like the idea of either of his guardians expressing interest in dolls was…well, okay, yeah, so it was pretty bizarre. But she was totally doing the responsible parent thing these days, because then Castiel coughed up the cash and she got as much chocolate cake as she wanted.
"It's about time we taught you about the birds and the bees, kid," Ruby said, ruffling his hair. He scowled, but didn't bat her hand away. "I mean, you're, what, six, right? This way you'll know what's going on way before everyone else in your grade, and if you tell the other kids, you'll totally be their hero for at least a day. Maybe two."
"Knowledge is power," Castiel added, which was, as far as she could tell, pretty much what she'd just said. "Though, of course, we should be content to rely on faith whenever necessary." He sounded kind of hopeful, because hell, not even an angel would volunteer to give their kid The Talk, but Ruby nipped that right in the bud.
"Hey, you're so keen on preserving Sam's blissful ignorance, you can deal with the inevitable STDs and floppy-haired Antichrist spawn," she told him.
"Prochrist," Castiel corrected stubbornly.
"Whatever. The point is, I really, really did not sign up to play demon grandma."
The angel freaking pouted, then, while Sammy watched them curiously, eyes flicking from one to the other and back. "Yes, well. I think we still have some time before that becomes a concern. But I suppose, if you think it is time..."
"Would I be looking for a Ken doll if I didn't?" Ruby asked reasonably.
"You want to use a…Ken doll…to teach Samuel about--"
"It's called a demonstration, Harp-boy," Ruby said irritably, because she'd actually thought this one through, which was more than Castiel could say. "I figured you'd nix the porn thing--"
"What's porn?" Sam asked loudly, and it was an even bet, whether he was actually confused or just trying to get them in trouble. Kid was quite obviously raised by both an angel and a demon.
A few feet away, a woman gasped and scowled at them furiously, grabbing her daughter by the hand and hurrying to a different aisle. Castiel sighed.
"It's awesome, is what," Ruby said, which was explanation enough, as far as she was concerned.
"Pornography is a vile, sinful thing that degrades and exploits the human body and spirit," the angel said, with an impressively straight face, because Ruby knew that he knew that she knew about the folder of (dramatic-pause) interesting videos on his laptop.
"Does this have something to do with sex?" Sam asked suspiciously, because he was way, way too clever for his own good. Either that, or playing them like they were a couple of fiddles.
Castiel went kind of pale and sickly-looking. Ruby nearly rubbed her hands together in glee, because this shit was going to be awesome.
"What do you know about sexual intercourse, Samuel?" Castiel demanded, voice gone strained and a little panicked. Ruby winced, because honestly, who said 'sexual intercourse'?
"Not much," Sam admitted unhappily. Kid definitely liked being a walking encyclopedia. "Just that no one likes to talk about it when there are kids around. And also that my first word had something to do with it."
"That's it," Ruby decided, because this was just too good of an opportunity to pass up. Castiel shot her a Look, but shit, she was a demon. Totally not made to resist temptation, here. She had a decidedly Oscar Wilde stance towards temptation, and Castiel knew it well. "I'm going to find a Ken doll right now, and if I have to rip it from some little pigtailed bitch's pudgy hands, so be it."
"Ruby," Castiel reprimanded sternly. "You know very well that we do not say such words, especially in public. And that word in particular is not only impolite, but sexist, degrading to women everywhere."
"If I can call a guy a dick, he can call me a bitch. Whatever. He's just gotta be prepared for me to kick him in the balls and claw his eyes out," Ruby said, rolling her eyes.
Castiel pinched the bridge of his nose and looked pained, while Sam perked up a little, because he was a Winchester through and through and they soaked up violence like freakish killer sponges. So much for raising a floppy-haired pacifist. "Now, Sam. Go find me…Skipper. And I'll get a Ken doll and, uh, something to make him a little more accurate, and then, kiddo, you're gonna learn about the birds and the bees and the beast with two backs. Sometimes three backs."
"Ruby, please don't get us thrown out of another Toys'R'Us," Castiel murmured, sounding all martyred.
"Of course I won't," Ruby lied cheerfully. "Hey, Sam, grab a regular Barbie, too. I'll get us two Kens. I figure we might as well get some variety in, you know?"
"Am I gonna find out what buttsex is?" Sam asked, scratching at the back of his neck. "My teacher wouldn't tell me when I asked."
There may or may not be more of this. Uh, I'd like to write more (and we're disregarding what that says about my mental state), but the words, they do not come. WOE.