Not-so-brief Author intro-Hello people of earth. I think I should probably put a SPOILER WARNING before this. It's about the Cullens going to see Twilight; therefore, I WILL BE TALKING ABOUT THE MOVIE! I mean, it's astoundingly close to the book so there is no real M. Night Shyamalan style ending but still, I wouldn't want to ruin anyone's movie-going experience.
Sorry that it's mega long! Here's a little info- Oneshot, Bella is still human, canon pairings.
Also, please forgive any mix-ups in order or not quite right movie lines. I only saw the movie once and I wasn't even thinking of writing this at that point so I will be writing from memory and other people telling me. I will be using the character names for goings on in the theater and main character's actors names and italics for goings on screen. List time!
Bella- Kristen Stewart
Edward- Robert (Rob) Pattinson
Emmett- Kellan Lutz
Rosalie- Nikki Reed
Jasper- Jackson Rathbone
Alice- Ashley Greene
Carlisle- Peter Facinelli
Esme- Elizabeth Reaser
Jacob- Taylor Lautner
Based On True Events
"Large popcorn, large coke, and a pack of...Sour Patch Kids Minis." Edward drilled.
The woman behind the counter looked flustered as she scrambled to open the cupboard for the Sour Patch Kids Minis.
"Edward! I don't need all that food!" Bella complained.
The woman paused; arm halfway extended toward the candy.
"We're getting them, Bella." Edward hissed dismissively.
The woman slapped them on the counter before Bella could argue anymore.
Emmett bounded past, pulling Bella away with him. "Hey," He whispered to her. "What do you say we ditch Edward and go see the new 007 movie?"
"I CAN HEAR YOU!" Edward yelled, frightening the people nearest him.
"What the hell is a quantum? What about it is related to solace? That's what I want to know." Emmett tried to convince Bella.
"No way!" Bella said but laughed. "Now that Edward sold the rights to our life I want to see the product."
"Oh! So that's the movie we're seeing!"
"Am I in it?"
"Dunno. I haven't heard anything about it so far."
The other Cullens (a peppy Alice, a reluctant Jasper, a scowling Rosalie and a snack laden Edward) converged around them and, as a single unit they swarmed into the theater.
The previews had already started so they tried to sit down as quietly as possible while working out the confusion over seating order. By the end of the commercial for a movie called Knowing they were all sitting next to their partner.
Emmett, who was seated between Bella and Rosalie, nearly had a heart attack when the Harry Potter commercial came on. "Oh ma gosh! Oh ma gosh!" He chanted. "It's HARRY POTTER! EEEEEEK"
Rosalie, exasperated and embarrassed by him, slapped him sharply on the side of the head. After that he was quiet.
"What number Harry Potter is it?" Alice asked.
"Six!" Emmett answered excitedly then calmed down at a look from his wife.
Suddenly the screen went black. "IT'S STARTING!" Somebody in the front row screamed as if it wasn't obvious.
Based on true events....
The screen told them.
A couple people let out tiny screams.
A girl's deep, bored sounding voice began talking as the camera showed a picture of a deer.
"Is this me talking? Wow, my voice is kind of deep, huh? And what's up with the deer? Is that deer supposed to represent me? Aren't I a lamb?" Bella immediately started on 20 questions mode.
Kristen Stewart popped up on the screen.
"Bella-on-the-screen is kind of hot." Emmett pointed out, earning himself a jab in the ribs from Rosalie.
"Aw! They made me pretty!" Bella cooed.
Edward shrugged, unseen in the darkness. "She's okay."
"No way!" Bella's voice was barely under a yell when Charlie popped onto the screen. "That man is the quintessence of Charlie! And... Oh God. Is that Billy? And is he driving? Jacob is kind of funky looking..."
"Bella, turn down the volume! The theater is going to throw you out!" Carlisle's voice came from nowhere.
Bella poked at Edward's arm. "Edward...I think Carlisle is talking in my head."
"He's sitting in front of us, Bella."
Carlisle and Esme turned around to give them a little wave.
"They got the truck right." Alice, who was not paying attention to the present conversation, pointed out.
"Jake thinks my truck is hot!"
Bella giggled then her eyes widened. "Is Erik oriental?" Bella choked out in shock. "No! Uh-uh. No way! Erik is one hundred percent American. And who is the black guy? Forks is not this racially diverse!"
Edward growled, "Mike is even more annoying in the movie."
"Mike has pretty eyes!" Alice fluttered.
"Does not!" Bella snapped.
"Does to! His eyes are like pools of pure sapphire waiting for someone to dive into their cool shallow-"
"Here comes our entrance!" Rosalie hissed, interrupting the fight.
"Who are they?" Kristen asked on-screen.
"I bet they pull out their slow motion gadgets for this one." Esme whispered and sure enough the Emmett-on-the-screen, Kellan, did a slow turn.
"They're all together....like, together together." Jessica-on-screen said.
"Dude! That's me! I'm hot!" Emmett gushed. "Check me out! That's a sweet hoodie! I'm gonna have to get me one of them!"
Rosalie, on the other hand, was severely under whelmed by her actress. "My ass is so fat!"
"The blonde girl...that's Rosalie. And the big dark haired guy, Emmett. They're like a thing." Jessica-on-the-screen gushed.
"I think you're pretty!" Emmett said.
She rolled her eyes at him.
"It's us!" Alice tugged on Jasper's sleeve as Ashley and Jackson sidled into the cafeteria.
"Jasper looks constipated." Bella pointed out just as the voice on-screen said "She's with Jasper, the one who looks like he's in pain."
Jackson's eyes were wide and nervous as he scanned the cafeteria, only paying a little attention as Ashley spun around him.
"That's not really what I look like is it?" Jasper said.
There was silence.
"Oh....um, here comes Edward!" Alice changed the subject.
The Edward-on-the-screen, Robert, entered the cafeteria.
"Why am I walking in all alone? And....WOAH! What am I trying to hide in my hair!?" Edward criticized.
"Edward, you could fit an entire third world country in that spike!" Bella giggled.
"This is one of the weirder moment of my life." Edward pointed out.
Meanwhile, the entire time, the two women sitting behind them had been in hysterics. When Rob appeared they erupted into uncontrollable giggles.
"But apparently no one here is good enough for him.... like I care, you know..." The girl who was supposed to be Jessica was saying. "Like don't waste you're time."
"Wasn't planning on it." Kristen said but was staring Rob down. Rob was smiling this goofy smile as he sat down next to his 'family'.
"Why is my actor smiling? YOU CAN'T READ HER MIND, ROB! AT LEAST LOOK A LITTLE UPSET!"
"Shut up!" Someone in the theater yelled and popcorn rained down on them.
Once the popcorn shower ended Kristen was in the bio lab seated next to a Rob who had his hands clamped over his mouth and looked like he was about to die. Rob also had a stuffed owl perched behind him so, at this camera angle, it looked like he had wings.
Bella chose to point this out. "Rob has tuffs of feathers coming out of his ears!"
"I think I might have kind of looked a little more normal at that point." Edward pointed out. "I mean, at least I didn't look like I was about to puke."
"You look angelic." Bella shook the box of candy in front of his face. "Want some?"
"I don't eat people, especially children. I eat animals."
"They are- Oh!" Bella giggled. "Sour Patch Kids! Ha ha! Edward made a funny!"
Edward rolled his eyes at Bella.
The camera kept flicking back and forth between Rob and Kristen as they made confused faces at one another.
"Edward, you don't even need to be able to read mind to figure out what everyone is thinking here." Emmett pointed out.
The camera gave a close up of Rob's face and Emmett added commentary. "Where'd you get that body from? Bella, where'd you get yo' body from?"
At exactly the right time it flicked back to Kristen. "I got it from my mama!"
Edward had thrown the entire bucket of popcorn at Emmett's head.
"Wow, what a drama queen!" Rosalie pointed out as Robert stormed from the office.
"Dude I'm so hot in my hummer!" Emmett gushed.
"Whoa! What's happening here!" Alice asked leaning forward and staring at the screen as some random man at a work place got eaten alive by vampires.
"Not me that time!" Jasper told them, raising his hands to show his innocence.
The next several minutes were so quiet that you might have thought that the Cullens had forgotten their commentary. We're not quite that lucky...
Suddenly Rob and Kristen were sitting awkwardly at their lab table.
"Hello? I'm...sorry I didn't get the chance to introduce myself last week...I'm Edward Cullen. You're....Bella."
"I think Rob is forgetting his lines. I wasn't that awkward, was I? And what's up with his accent?" Edward complained.
"You're kind of British. It's sexy!" Bella giggled. "Aw! You're kind of creeping on me. this is cute."
"You're asking me about the weather?" Kristen asked Rob but she smiled despite her try for an annoyed expression.
"Yeah...I guess I am...."
Bella covered her mouth to keep from bursting into laughter.
"Why are we walking down the hall together?" Edward asked."This is confusing! I should be running away with my hands over my mouth at this point."
"Here it comes!" Bella squealed.
"Huh?" Edward raised one eyebrow at her but this went unseen in the darkness.
"The my hero scene. I'm going to just be standing there.... rocking out to my ipod...then BAM!"
"What do you think Kristen was listening to?" Alice pondered.
"Girlfriend." Emmett answered immediately like it was obvious. He commenced to begin singing in a loud screechy voice "HEY! HEY! YOU! YOU! I DON'T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!"
Alice leaped across the row and tackled Emmett, cutting him off just as a truck flew around the corner on screen.
"I called it!" Bella yelled and someone threw candy at her head.
Rob flew in between Kristen and the car. If you looked closely you could see that the dent in the van was there before Rob had the chance to touch it.
"That car is gonna need a paint job." Jasper muttered.
Carlisle reached back without looking and pried Alice and Emmett apart. "Don't make me come back there!"
On screen Tyler was apologizing profusely. "Yeah, little newly African Tyler, you should be sorry!" Jasper muttered.
Alice and Emmett were still going at each other so Carlisle turned around. "No fighting! No yelling! No singing! No inappropriate behavior! Or so help me I will take you all back ho-"
The on-screen Carlisle's actor, Peter, sidled on into the hospital room. The entire theater cheered.
"Oh! It's me!" Carlisle said, distracted.
Alice and Emmett crawled back into their own seats.
"I look hot!" Carlisle said.
"And a little like a chipmunk." Esme muttered.
The audience was hysterical at this point, cheering more for Peter's appearance than Rob's.
Rob and Kristen were talking from opposite sides of the corner.
"This is the part where Eddy is mean to me." Bella commentated.
"Hey!" Somebody in the back of the theater yelled. "Shut up!"
Bella turned around "You shut up! Don't make me set my vampire boyfriend on you!"
Kristen woke up to find Rob in her room.
"Creeper!" Emmett screamed.
When Kristen did a double take he was gone.
"False alarm on the creeper-ness! That comes later!"
"I'm not creepy." Edward defended himself.
"Oh, yeah you are. Check you out. You've been watching Bella instead of watching the movie."
"That is a little creepy." Bella added.
"No! What is creepy though is Emmett watching me enough to know I'm watching you."
"I had an...Adrenaline rush. It's very common.... you can...um, google it." Rob stumbled over his lines as he spoke to Kristen in the greenhouse where the class was randomly going on a field trip.
"What the hell is the point of going to a greenhouse?" Carlisle voiced the question on everyone's minds.
They were interrupted in talking about Rob's adrenaline by Jessica but Kristen set out to find Rob right after that.
"Bella look it's a worm!" Eric dangled it in front of her face.
"No shit, Eric!" Rosalie yelled at the screen.
"Not a good way to get girls." Alice added.
"He's oriental!" Bella was still in shock.
They were still discussing this while Rob and Kristen were discussing Rob's 'regret' over saving her from a pancake-like doom.
"You don't know anything." Was Rob's big comeback.
Ashley popped up beside them. "Hi um, are you going to be riding with us?"
"No, our bus is full" Rob said rudely.
"Dude, it's a FREAKIN' BUS!" Edward yelled at the screen like it could hear him. "You can't just 'not have room' when there are only five people riding on the short bus!"
Suddenly they were all back in the cafeteria and Kristen was staring at Eric as he pronounced La Push about fifteen times, sounding even more gay each time.
Kristen was grabbing some food from the food bar in the middle of the room when she dropped an apple. Rob bounced it off his shoe, caught it, and handed it back.
"Here Bella." Emmett said in a high-pitched voice that was apperantly an imitation of Edward. "I love you so please accept this foot-apple as a sign of my love!"
"Let's say for arguments sake I'm not smart." Kristen was saying.
Bella sighed, "This girl! Jeez! She's giving him so much to work with! You don't tell him you're stupid! You tell him 'I'm freakin' Einstein's mamma! "
"Let's say...I'm the bad guy." Rob was trying to convince her.
'Why don't we just hang out?"
Bella's jaw dropped. "Did my character seriously just ask him out?"
"Which beach?" Robert asked.
"La Push." Kristen answered.
Rob made a face.
"Is there something wrong with that beach?"
"It's just a little crowded. "
The next image was of a completely rocky but empty beach.
"Rob is a bad liar." Bella complained.
Edward growled as Jacob's actor, Taylor, and Kristen strode down the beach together chatting about the Cullens.
The theater burst into chatter, most of it was different phrasing of "Check out Sharkboy, all grown up! He's so sexy!"
"Edward...." Bella cautioned patting his arm hesitantly. "It's just a movie."
"I hate Jacob." He moaned.
"If it makes you feel any better, you can totally see where his extensions start."
Suddenly there was an explosion of noise from their left as an old couple stumbled into the theater and sat down a few seats away.
"What movie is this again?" The old man yelled.
"It's that one about the scary vampire people!" The old woman informed him, equally loud. "You know! The one all the young people are into!"
Edward's jaw dropped.
"Vampires, you say!?!"
"Yeah! VAMPIRES! A girl and a vampire! And the vampire....uh....eats the girl!"
Bella began giggling, forgetting all about the movie.
"So....." The old man mulled this over. "It's a scary movie!?!"
"Nah!" The woman said. "I think it's a romantic comedy!"
Emmett, Bella, and Alice burst into laughter. The rest of the Cullen's stared at them.
"What?" The old man said loudly.
"I said- 'I think it's a romantic comedy!'" The woman yelled.
Rosalie's teeth could be heard grinding together from rows away.
"Oh..." The old man was silent for a few moments. "I thought you said romantic comedy..."
"You. Have. Got. To. Be. Joking." Rosalie growled.
"I DID! THIS IS A ROMANTIC COMEDY!" The woman screeched.
Carlisle chuckled. "They're worse than you lot."
Suddenly the screen showed a man on a boat. Three vampires appeared, teasing the man before killing him.
"HOLY SHIT!" Emmett screamed. "Was that a freakin' black vampire!?!"
"Erik is oriental. Tyler is black. Even the vampires are becoming more racially diverse! What is happening to Forks!"
There was a montage scene where Kristen looked up things on Google.
"Actually, I prefer Ask(dot)com." Bella confided.
Edward groaned as the screen showed Kristen, Jessica and Angela at a dress store. "Oh ma gosh! I look awesome!" Jessica was bragging.
"Make it end!" Edward moaned and, before long Kristen was off buying a book on legends and walking down a dark alley by herself.
A random not-really-threatening group of guys started taunting Kristen. Suddenly a silver Volvo spun around the corner.
Rob jumped out, looking all kinds of intimidating. "Get in the car."
Kristen immediately got in which made Emmett angry. "Okay, you're surrounded by guys who might want to rape you when a guy who definitely has been creeping on you and was obviously following you pulls up and wants you to get in his car, what do you do? KICK SCREAM AND RUN, KRISTEN!"
Rob randomly started growling at the might-have-been-rapists and got back it his car. When Rob asked Kristen to distract him Emmett lost control and screamed. "FLASH 'IM, KRISTEN!"
Edward leaped over Bella and tackled Emmett.
"Put your seat belt on." Was Kristen's brilliant distraction.
Robert started laughing like a mental patient. "Haha! You put your seat belt on!"
"Boys!" Carlisle's arm came from nowhere; prying Edward away from Emmett and tossing him partway down the aisle. "Control yourselves!"
There was a very awkward scene in which Jessica and Angela ogled Robert and the majority of their lines came out. "Haha....yeah.....I love y- I mean, see you later."
Robert and Kristen sat down at a table in a crowded restaurant. Robert, smiling all the while, explained that he was on a 'special diet'.
" Anorexic." Emmett coughed.
"You've got to give me some answers." Kristen begged.
"Don't give in that easily, Robby!" Edward cheered him on in a whisper. "Be strong. Make her beg."
Completely ignoring Edward's advise Rob smiled "Yes. No. Uh... to get to the other side. 1.7725-"
"I don't want to know what the square route of pi is!" Kristen snapped.
Rob looked thrown. "You knew that?"
Bella shifted nervously. "I didn't know that was the square route of pi."
Edward shook his head. "Me neither. Unnecessary. I have lived a hundred years and have never needed to know that."
Emmett frowned. "I can't understand a single word that Rob boy says. It all kind of just sounds like-" He adopted a British accent. "''Ello guvnah! I would like some tea and crumpets, I would! Pass the biscuits! I'll wear this jumper. Who stole my bloody poppet!?!?"
"Did you follow me?" Kristen shot at him.
'I feel very.... protective of you."
"Creeper!" Emmett whispered.
"I heard what those.... low lives were thinking."
"ROBERT WILLIAM PATTERSON!" Edward jumped to his feet. "You don't TELL her you can read minds! You are so doomed now, man!"
"His middle name is William?" Alice asked.
Edward shrugged. "Dunno. I just made it up."
Rob was explaining how he could read minds by telling Kristen what each person in the restaurant was thinking about. "Money...sex...money...sex...cat."
Emmett frowned. "Did he just say 'cat'?"
"You know Kristen is thinking about cats too." Emmett whispered.
"I don't have the strength to say away from you anymore." Rob said.
"Rob's a wimp." Rosalie muttered and Emmett forced her to knuckle-touch.
There was a brief scene in the car in which Kristen touched Robert's hand and felt the coldness of his skin. They made funny faces at each other.
They pulled up outside the police station where they saw that Carlisle's car had been parked. Kristen ran in to comfort Charlie on the death of his friend who had apperantly been 'eaten by wild animals'.
"That's the guy who was attacked by the black vampire right?" Bella had to ask.
"Uh-huh." Edward said, distracted by what Charlie was handing Bella.
"Did Charlie just give me pepper spray!?!" Bella said in shock.
Emmett giggled, pretending to spray Rosalie with some invisible pepper spray. "Die!" He said in a high voice, making a sound like he was spraying something. "Psssssshhhhhhh! Die! Pshhhhhhh! Eat pepper vampires! Take that! Pshhhhhhhhhh!"
Meanwhile on the screen there was a montage consisting of Kristen reading up on 'coldones''.
"What's going on?" Shouted the old man.
His wife answered, "I think she's playing with one of 'em....'em computers with the.... uh, World Wide Web!"
Kristen walked toward Rob who was staring at her hungrily.
"I vant to eat you!" Emmett added. "Get. In. My. Belly!"
At the last second Kristen walked past him, up a hill, and into the woods. Without hesitation, Rob followed.
"What the hell!?!" Emmett whispered. "They could NOT have been more obvious about that. Now everyone who sees them ditching is going to think they skipped to get it on in the woods. It's called being a little discrete!"
The camera was spinning around Kristen and Rob.
""I know what you are." Kristen muttered.
"A democrat!" Emmett shouted and the theater burst into angry chatter.
'"Say it..." Rob ordered. After a brief silence he prodded. "Out loud."
"Pushy much?" Rosalie muttered.
When Kristen refused he adopted an angrier tone. "Say it!"
"The obvious train has left the station!" Carlisle muttered and was prodded lightly in the ribs by Esme.
"Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner here, people!" Emmett screamed.
Bella smirked, extending her fist toward Edward. "I'm so smart!"
Edward sighed, tapping her knuckles lightly. "I'll give you that."
"Are you afraid?'" Rob asked.
Suddenly Rob was off and running with Bella, explaining briefly that he would show her something. He let her go and stepped into the sun light.
The Cullens stared at the screen in confusion.
"You mean Rob's sweaty?" Emmett finally said.
"I'm under whelmed." Bella stated just as the other Bella, Kristen sighed. "Beautiful."
"Beautiful? This is the skin of a killer! I'm a killer.'"
"No." Emmett corrected. "It's the skin of a man who just ran a few miles. Just allow Robby to go home, shower, maybe apply a little anti-perspirant. Then we'll be all good. "
Kristen and Rob were discussing the pros and cons of him being a vampire. Kristen kept trying to get close to him but Rob kept backing away. Kristen climbed up a tree and Rob fell backwards out of it.
Finally Kristen's persistence paid off as Rob backed her up against a wall.
"I can't read your mind. You have to tell me what you're thinking." Rob growled, frustrated.
"Now I'm afraid. I'm not afraid."
"Does she realize she just contradicted herself?" Bella hissed, popping two sour patch kids into her mouth.
"I'm only afraid of losing you." Kristen said as though to prove Bella wrong.
"You don't know how long I've waited for you."
"No. Seriously." Emmett said. "You really, really don't know."
"So the lion fell in love with the lamb." Rob told her.
The entire theater let out a collective sigh.
Oh, wait, sorry. The entire theater EXCEPT the Cullens.
"Wait! Was that the entire love declaration!?!" Edward exploded as the screen showed pictures of Bella and Edward lying in a field.
"Where. Did. My. Romance. Go." Bella growled.
Emmett, of course, was singing. "EDWARD AND BELLA SITTIN' IN A TREE! K-I-S-S-I-N.....uh,-"
"G." Rosalie reminded him.
"Oh ma god!" Angela gasped as they pulled up outside the school the next morning.
Rob and Kristen got out of the car and started to walk toward the school together. Rob was wearing...
"Check out those sunglasses!" Bella said, fanning herself.
"They are smokin'!" Alice added, also looking at them with goo-goo eyes.
"I'm in love with Rob's shades!" Rosalie leaned forward.
"They're so dreamy! Shmexy shades!" Emmett said gaily
'"You know everybody's staring'." Kristen said, uncomfortable.
"They're just checking out Rob's glasses." Emmett said but Rosalie interrupted with- "Well DUH! Anybody who saw you two marching blatantly into the woods SHOULD be staring!"
Rob smirked, nodding at a poor innocent boy who had just meandered past. "No. Not that guy he just looked."
Suddenly, they were sitting on top of some random hill.
"Do they ever go to school?" Carlisle muttered. "Bella, how are you ever supposed to get into college?"
"...Never truly satisfies..." Rob was explaining his diet to Kristen. "Wouldn't be like drinking your blood for instance."
"I vant to eat vou, my little popcicle!" Emmett breathed creepily, toying with Bella's hair.
Bella shuddered and leaned in closer to Edward.
Rob jumped off a cliff and at the 'same time' landed on Kristen's truck.
Kristen scolded him lightly.
He jumped off the truck and took his place next to Kristen. "I'm gonna take you to my place tomorrow.'"
Kristen froze. "You mean with your family?"
"No! With my pet iguana and my collection of pokémon cards!"
Rob looked hesitant for the first time. "...Yeah.'"
"What if they don't like me?'"
"Way to bring down the mood, Kristen! They're gonna eat you.... or at least Emmett might." Edward shot a glance at his biggest brother.
Emmett smiled at Bella, revealing all his teeth. "Do you taste sweet, poppet?"
Rob started to drive away but he was suddenly locked in a stare down out car windows with the Blacks. It took about five minutes for their cars to pass.
"And here I lingering under the delusion that my car was fast."
The Cullens were all hanging out in the kitchen making Bella Italian food. Except they kept calling it 'italiano'.
"What is the point of the o? Why don't we just say 'italian'?" Esme asked.
No one had an answer.
'Here comes the human!'"
The Cullens and Bella exchanged way-too-casual greetings and Rob told everyone that Bella had already eaten.
Rosalie broke a bowl cleanly in half, stomping on it with-
"Check out my shoes! They are hot!" Rosalie gushed. "I am such a bitch! This is da bomb, peeps. Check out my sexy self, bashing Bella already! I'm so proud!"
"Badly ...as in I would become the meal." Bella said, stating a fact.
Carlisle laughed. Everyone else seemed to have missed out on the joke.
Two awkward seconds later, Ashley popped in the window and hugged Kristen "Hi, I'm Alice. Oh! You do smell good!" She said that like she was surprised then turned to look at a sour faced Jackson. "It's okay, Jasper. You won't hurt her.'"
Edward craned his neck to compare the real Jasper to Jackson.
Jasper was cracking up on Alice's other side.
Jackson continued to look severely constipated.
Rob made a strange face, halfway between disgust and amusement before tugging Kristen from the room.
"That was a cute face!" Bella commented.
They had a boring and mercifully brief conversation about graduation caps, which had been made into a work of art for their wall.
"Uh, yeah, this is my room?" Rob made it into a question.
"Yes, yes it is." Edward confirmed.
"No bed?" Kristen noted.
Bella pointed. "Uh, isn't that a bed?"
Edward squinted. "I think it's a couch."
"No, I don't sleep." Rob told her, grinning.
"A futon is still capable of being slept on." Bella told the screen.
"No, not at all."
They gave each other bashful smiles.
Emmett rolled his eyes.
Kristen commented politely on the amount of CDs even though the screen only displayed ten or so. A song began and both Kristen and Rob recognized it as Debussy.
Rob tried to get Kristen to dance. Does it work? Ha! No. And in the end they end up jumping out a window and jumping from tree to tree.
"Hang on, little spider monkey!" Rob could be heard yelling.
The theater was in hysterics. Two slightly overweight girls stood up screaming things like, "I want to be your spider monkey!" and "I want your spider monkey babies!"
Edward slouched down in his seat a little.
Mike caught Kristen outside a random restaurant. "So you and Cullen huh...I- I don't like it...he looks at you like you're something to eat."
The conversation didn't get much better when, inside the restaurant, Charlie decided to discuss Kristen's love life.
After denying involvement with any boys (ew, cooties, right!?!) Kristen went home and told her mom over the phone that she'd met someone.
She saw Rob creeping by her open window and cut her mom off in the middle of her "'Come on! We gotta talk boys! Are you guys safe!?!" rant.
"Do you do that a lot?" Kristen asked.
"Just the last couple of months." Rob answered, shrugging. "I like watching you sleep. It's, uh, its kind of fascinating to me."
"Wow, creeper much." Alice shot at him.
"Hey! You're supposed to be on my side!" Edward said indignantly.
"I'm on the side of righteousness."
"Uh, I just want to try one thing." Rob was saying.
"Something is missing from this picture…." Jasper muttered, scrutinizing the scene.
"Creeper!" Emmett whispered. "Just yell fire, Kristen. Then kick and run."
"Don't move." Rob told Kristen.
"Or...first scream 'fire' then scream 'I have AIDs'. Then kick and...Well, on second thought, running is a bad idea for Kristen. Just-"
"Shut up!" Someone yelled.
The theater was dead silent as Kristen and Rob began making out. The suddenly the people behind them let out a loud "WHOO-HOO! It's gettin' hot in here! Let's get it on!"
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" The slightly overweight girls from before were screaming.
The entire theater cracked up.
"Chaste. Chaste. Chaste." Edward chanted as the kissing continued.
"More. More. More." Bella argued the opposite.
"So much for holding still..." Alice muttered as Kristen threw herself into him.
Jasper had his head in his arms "Tell me when it's over."
"This is sick." Esme agreed. "What's this rated again?"
"PG-13. ' Carlisle gave his two cents.
Emmett and Rosalie, apparently tired of waiting to see some action, had started making out.
Rob pushed Kristen back onto the bed so that he was on top of her - The Theater screamed it's approval- then pushed himself away, flying across the room. "Stop!"
The theater's collective groan was punctured by Jasper's weak cry of "Yay!"
"I'm sorry'." Kristen squeeked.
'I can never lose control with you.'" Rob was saying.
That's when Jasper noticed what was missing. "Oh. My. Carlisle. Where did Kristen's pants go!?!"
The Cullens all leaned forward (excluding Emmett and Rosalie for obvious reasons) and looked for Kristen's pants.
"Are those her panties?" Alice asked, looking a little weirded out.
"Maybe they're like boy shorts?" Bella mused.
"Short shorts." Jasper shuddered.
"The absence of pants made that scene a little too…. racy." Carlisle said, sounding confused.
"I'm going to try to forget about that." Edward said.
There was a few minutes where Kristen and Rob laid in bed and talked indistinctly and in all different positions in the bed. Wow, that sounded awful. Let's just say they talked until Kristen fell asleep and rolled over onto Rob's chest.
"What's up with Rob's face? He's staring at her like 'oh-my-god! Get-it-off!'" Emmett said, having emerged from Rosalie's face.
The next scene was, of course, Kristen announcing that she had a boyfriend to Charlie.
"He wanted to meet you officially." She said.
"Alright." Charlie sighed in resignation, loading his gun with more purpose than necessary. "Bring him in!"
"Could you be nice?" Kristen asked rudely. "He's important."
Charlie made a halo around his head and smiled angelically.
" Charlie is da bomb." Bella decided.
Rob appeared. "Chief Swan. I wanted to formally introduce myself. I'm Edward Cullen." He said far too formally.
All fathers in the audience nodded in approval. They could learn to like this gentleman.
'Hi Edward." Charlie said stiffly.
"Bella won't be out too late." Rob explained, smiling. "She's going to play baseball with my family."
Blank stare on Charlie's end. "Baseball?"
Rob hesitated half a second. "Yes sir, that's the plan."
"Bella's going to play baseball." Charlie still couldn't believe it the fourth time. "Well, good luck with that."
"I'll take good care of her, I promise."
They headed for the door but Charlie held Kristen back. '"Hey, still got that pepper spray?"
Kristen looked humiliated while Emmett pretended to spray Edward. "Pshhhhhhh. Pshhhhh. What now, vampy! That's right! Cower under the might of my pepper spray!"
They drove through the field in a sexy, mud-coated hummer. Yes, in this case the hummer is sexy.
"That hummer is sexy." Jasper said.
Told you so.
"Call them as you see them." Esme instructed Kristen and the rest of the family went off to play baseball. Super Massive Black Hole's retro beat stared pumping in the background and Carlisle and Esme started dancing in the row in front of their children.
"God, they're dorks." Jasper muttered.
The rockin' baseball scene continued with all the Cullens hitting and chasing and catching and doing whatever else you can do during a baseball game.
Suddenly Ashley froze. "Stop!"
The nomads, James Victoria and Laurent, entered in mega-slow motion. Wind blowing, leaves swirling, hair whipping, the whole sha-bang.
"Be quiet stand behind me!" Rob told Kristen as she babbled something along the lines of "Huh? What's happening? Who is that? Where did his shirt go?"
The two covens had an intense stare down scene. Finally Laurent spoke, "I believe this belongs to you." He held out the ball.
"Uh, no." Emmett corrected. "I think it belongs to the man who stole your shirt."
There were a lot of shots of their eyes. Very very very mega-close ups of their eyes.
"Somebody was a little zoom happy." Edward pointed out.
Suddenly James realized Kristen was human and went into hunt-mode. He and Rob stared each other down.
"I vant you to die, bitch!" Emmett was apparently pretending to be James.
"You brought a snack." He said instead.
"No." Emmett corrected. "I brought the cheetohs. But they are mine. MINE!"
After a brief scene in which nothing happened, the nomads walked away, all dejected-like. James had his arm around Victoria's shoulders and kissed the top of her head as if to say "If Rob kills me, Vickie's gonna come whoop his girlfriend's ass big time."
The entire row looked at Edward.
He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "They could have been a bit more obvious in real life! Seriously! How was I to know!?!"
Suddenly Kristen and Rob were in the sexy hummer once again, fighting over who is going to kill who and other trivial matters. Kristen, being the clever heroine came up with a plan.
"She's a clever one." Alice pointed out.
Back at Kristen's house Kristen stormed around angrily, being all melo-dramatic about leaving.
James was listening in very obviously from outside.
'"We can do more stuff together!" Charlie begged.
This threw Bella off a little but she plowed on after a moment. "If I don't get out now I'm just going to be stuck here like mom!"
"OHHHHH!!!" The aisle screamed.
"You just got OWNED, Charlie!" Emmett added.
Kristen, while driving past at a good 100mph, saw her friends leaving a diner in slow motion, all laughing and what-not.
They walked into the house and came face-to-face with Laurent.
"Still hasn't found a shirt...." Bella muttered.
Laurent rambled a little about James' 'unparalleled senses' and all that fun stuff before walking casually away like nothing just happened.
In the garage where the Cullen family was hanging out (duh, who doesn't hang out in their garage), Nikki was sitting on a workbench, wearing unflattering baseball pants and a grimace. "What is she to us?" She asked sourly.
"Wow, I'm a hard-core bitch!" Rosalie cheered her actress on.
"Wow, Rose, nice pants." Carlisle muttered and got a drink thrown at his head.
"Bella you are my life now." Rob muttered through a car window.
"Has there been an actual 'I love you' moment yet?" Bella asked.
"No." Edward groaned. "Rob said that a 'lion fell in love with a lamb' but that's the closest he's gotten to the 'L' word."
"You mean 'Lollypops'?" Emmett asked, missing the first part of the conversation but feeling a need to say something.
"You're a lollypop!" Edward retaliated, unnecessarily defensive.
Emmett whimpered, hurt even though the insult made no sense.
"I'm not in Forks but everything's okay." Kristen was telling her mom's answering machine.
"Yeah, mom. Three vampires are tracking me but.... you know, s'all cool. All in a days work. I know the one just wants my blood and the other one just wants a shirt but I'm not sure about the other one. Whatever. On a more important note, have you seen my boyfriend? Yeah.... he's smokin'. Ciao!" Emmett imitated her.
There was a scene with Rob leading James away. Then a scene of Kristen, Ashley and Jackson driving. Then one of James sniffing around a tree.
"Marking his territory." Jasper explained.
Kristen and the group were hanging out in a hotel when Ashley had a vision of James figuring out the false lead and going to a ballet studio.
"Laurent wants a shirt. Victoria wants a new coat because hers is looking a little trashy. And James? All James wants to do is DANCE!" Jackson did spirit fingers.
"Dance! Dance! We're falling apart to half time! Dance! Dance! And these are the lives you'd love to lead!" Emmett tried to sing like Fall Out Boy and failed.
"Say goodbye as we dance with the devil tonight. Don't you dare look at him in the eye. As we dance with the devil tonight!" Jasper sang the Breaking Benjamin song as Emmett wailed a version of Rise Against's song. "This drought bleeds. Now we are dancing for rain!"
There was a short silence and everyone in the theater knew what was coming next.
"YOU'RE A DANCING QUEEN! YOUNG AND SWEET ONLY SEVENTEEN!!!!"
"EMMETT!" The Cullens yelled coupled with screams for silence from the rest of the audience.
There was a brief silence then Emmett whispered, "You know that song was written about Edward."
"Bella? Bella where are you? Bella!" Kristen's mom sounded panicked over the phone. Kristen started to comfort her but then James was talking. He convinced her to come to the ballet studio (shocker, right?).
"He wants her to step it up." Jasper said.
"And stomp the yard." Emmett added.
"They're going to go dirty dancing." Carlisle added and quickly accepted Emmett's high-five for great use of a movie pun.
Kristen walked right past Jackson and Ashley on her way out the door and casually grabbed a cab. She had a bit of a reflection time on the way there as she monolouged about death in the background.
She went into the studio and immediately found the TV with the home video of her mom screaming for her and Bella telling her how much she sucks at dancing. Kristen whipped around and was surrounded by a billion James'.
"I thought one was bad!" Bella screamed.
Kristen figured out which was not a reflection when James pinned her against wall.
James was telling Kristen about his video camera.
"Are you sure we're at the right movie? I think this might be James And Bella Make A Porno." Rosalie sneered.
"And action...'" He tried to get Kristen to tell Rob to avenge her but it didn't work out too well so he monologued a little. "And lets continue!''
"STUPID!" Edward yelled. "Where is your pepper spray!?!"
James flew after her.
"It's a bird!" Jasper squealed.
"It's a plane!" Edward contributed.
"No! It's a DANCING QUEEN!" Emmett finished.
James landed finally and threw Kristen across the room. "Visually dynamic. I chose my stage well." He muttered playing with the buttons on his camera. They fight a little more then James breaks her leg.
"Now, off stage, when his agent told him to break a leg, he wasn't supposed to take it quite this literally." Emmett said wisely but Bella was yelling. "This ain't the mafia! We aren't having a negotiation here!"
'' Tell him to avenge you!" James was angry now...you wouldn't like him when he's angry.
"No Edward! Don't!" She screamed.
Rob swooped in and kicked his butt old school.
The crowd went wild.
Rob and Kristen gave each other a long look. While they were all googley eyed and the audience was excited over the apparent victory of the better looking vampire, James swooped in. He pinned Rob against a mirror. "You're faster than the others." He breathed in Rob's face. ".... But not stronger."
"Have a tic-tac. Then threaten him." Jasper offered.
"I'm strong enough to kill you." Rob growled, trying to sound intimidating while James pressed on his windpipe. He kicked him, and snatched up Kristen. Halfway through a showy leap James attacked, forcing Rob to drop his lover-girl.
"Way to drop me, Edward!" Bella snapped.
James took that chance to nibble on Kristen's arm.
"Tastes like chicken!" Jasper said.
Kristen acted like she was in pain by making her normal acting face.
The other Cullens arrived, looking all intimidating.
Ashley immediately ran to Kristen and sniffed the blood. She let out a sigh and shuddered in pleasure.
"Ali just got high on my blood." Bella pointed out.
"It's orgasmic!" Alice clarified.
"You're creepy." Jasper added.
While the guys, Kellan and Jackson, were holding James, Ashley leaped onto his shoulders and twisted his head, breaking his neck. Just to make sure he was dead (it would be totally gross if he came back to life with no head) they caught him on fire.
"Who brought the marshmallows?" Jasper asked.
Half the Cullen family argued over changing her while the other half seemed to be preoccupied having fun around the fire.
Kristen babbled and screamed and squirmed.
Finally Rob started sucking on her arm.
Kristen started having a very random flash back consisting mostly of things that didn't happen.
Then BAM! It all went black.
"Yay! She's dead!" Rosalie cheered.
Kristen woke up in a hospital bed. Her mom was there and Rob was 'sleeping' beside them.
"Damn it!" Rosalie said.
They wasted a little time on the irrelevant conversation of her mom texting.
"I still want to live in Forks.'" Kristen finally told her mom not very politely. ''Do you mind getting dad.'"
As soon as she was gone she tried to start twenty questions with Rob. "Where's james?"
"The Bahamas." Edward answered.
"A strip club." Emmett said at the same time.
"The bathroom." Jasper finished.
"I took care of him." Rob answered.
"I'm alive because of you." Kristen pointed out.
"You're in here because of me."
"Guilt trip!" Jasper warned.
"The worst part of it was...I didn't think I was going to be able to stop."
"You did it."
"You have to go to Jacksonville. I can't hurt you anymore." He said, not even thinking of the effect it would have on her.
"Wha- I- uh- no! No! I don't even know- I don't understand- how can you even- no! I'm-what are you talking about! You want me to go away! I can't I-I-I-I- I can't! No! I can't just leave you! I- I- we can't be apart!"
Rob tried to talk but she was still going. "You can't leave me!"
"Bella! I'm here."
She seemed to be getting herself back together. "Ok well, you just can't say stuff like that to me. Ever."
"Where else am I going to go?" He asked, kissing her head.
There was an intense forest shot.
"That is so not what I am like!" Bella said, trying to sound indignant but it came across as distracted as she picked stray kernels out of the bottom of the bucket of popcorn.
"Sweet, you're nearly out of popcorn!" Edward noticed and promptly yanked the bucket from her grip. "Fear not! I will get you a free refill!"
"No!" She screamed, latching onto his pant leg in panic. "Don't leave me Edward!"
The people in the rows behind them glanced down at them angrily.
"Oh sweet Jesus." Jasper muttered.
"Hush, darling. I will be only a moment for I have-vampire speed." He whispered the last words dramatically, trying to make them sound cooler.
"No! No! You can't leave me! Not again Edward!"
Suddenly Edward disappeared. Bella started to cry. Only a few seconds later Edward appeared back with the newly full bucket. "For you m'love!"
"Oh Edward!" She sighed. "I feared you might never come back."
"Every second we were apart felt like a day." Edward told her. "Which would mean it feels like I was away.... five days."
"I missed you so much!"
"Dude! He was only gone for five seconds! You didn't even have time to produce legitimate tears!" Jasper snapped, sick of the PDA.
"Never leave me again." Bella demanded tearfully.
"I promise to never leave you again." Edward muttered. "At least until I need to hunt...or change.... or just feel like a break."
"Yeah, the movie is completely inaccurate! You guys definitely aren't like that in real life." Jasper said sarcastically.
"True dat!" Bella said, popping a fresh piece of popcorn into her mouth,
Kristen tottered down the stairs, one foot in a cast. She had a dress on but it had leggings which confused Bella greatly.
"You're perfect!" Rob told her and Charlie gave him a look.
"I put a can of pepper spray in your bag." Charlie told her as she tried to leave.
"You look beautiful." He said.
She actually looked pleased. "Thanks."
Something bounced off the back of Emmett's head. "Ouch!" He said, even though it didn't hurt.
Kristen was sitting on a bench outside the prom while Rob did God-know-what else. "Bella!" Taylor popped out of a bush.
"Dude! That bush just pooped out Jacob Black! What the hell!" Emmett twitched as something hit his head again. This time he caught it. A gummy bear.
"Jacob! Hey!" Kristen said, looking a little creeped by him standing in the bushes.
He told her she looked nice and Edward growled.
"You too. Are you crashing the prom? Do you have a date?" Kristen started on twenty questions.
"No. My dad paid me to come talk to you. Twenty bucks."
"Jacob could never be a spy." Edward pointed out. "And where is Rob? Shouldn't he be in on this party?"
"Well let's hear it."
"Just don't get mad, okay? He wants you to break up with your boyfriend. Then he said quotes we'll be watching."
"He forgot to say end quotes." Emmett said as another Gummy Bear hit him. Somebody had licked the back of this one and it stuck to his cheek where it hit. "Ew."
"Tell him thanks and to pay up."
Taylor laughed nervously, "Okay, let me help you."
Rob found this chance to pop up.
"Woot!" Edward let out a little cheer.
"Guess I'll see you around, Bella." Taylor muttered.
There was a short stare down.
"Wow, everybody is staring at everybody in this movie." Jasper noticed. "Nobody's mothers taught them that it was rude to stare, I suppose."
"I leave you alone for two minutes and the wolves descend." Rob muttered into her ear and the Cullens burst into a confused babble of "Oh!" and "Bad pun, Rob!"
"I can't believe you're making me do this." Kristen scolded him.
There was a strange scene of the dance including a lingering shot of the disco ball.
"Wow, you're really trying to kill me."
"Prom is an important rite of passage. I won't have you missing out."
Mike pretended to shoot at them from across the room while Jessica just waved.
"Wow. Mikes even more of a loser on the big screen." Bella accused but an even more awkward part was yet to come.
Kristen pointed at her chest and gave Jessica a thumbs up.
"Did she just tell that girl she liked her boobs?" Jasper asked bluntly.
"You want to go?" Rob asked and led her outside. "Shall we?" He said, offering to dance with her.
"Oh, why not?"
They were dancing outside. There had been a few silent couples out there already but they left as if on cue.
"What? Does Rob smell or something?" Jasper asked.
Emmett got hit again with an airborne bear and turned around to growl at the audience behind him. "Who is it!?!" He screamed.
"Sit down!" Yelled a bold looking teen.
"You sit down!" Emmett retorted.
"I am sitting!"
"Yo mamma ain't sitting! Oh!"
"Emmett, sit down and stop teasing the audience." Carlisle snapped.
"He started it!"
Kristen and Rob started to argue over changing Kristen into a vampire.
"Visions change." Was Rob's big argument.
"Based on what people decide. I've decided." Kristen finished.
"So that's what you dream about. Becoming a monster." Rob looked crazy.
"Dude, I wish I could understand what he was saying." Emmett sighed. "I need a decoder ring. So far I'm still getting 'Ello poppet! Want some tea and biscuits? They're fresh outta the oven, they are."
"So are you ready right now?" Rob asked, leaning her back and staring down her neck like it was Jacob.
"Neck stare down!" Alice cheered.
"Yeah?" Kristen did not sound completely certain.
After a climactic few moments he simply kissed her neck. It was a long kiss that could have been considered having an affair with her neck. About halfway through the kiss Kristen realized he wasn't about it bite her and looked up at him.
"You going to marry that neck or what, Rob?" Rosalie asked sourly.
"Is it not enough just to have a long and happy life with me?" He looked crazy again. Yes, it was creepy. Yes, it was hot.
He answered her with a kiss.
"Aw! They're kissing!" Rosalie said. "That's cute. Huh, still kissing. Another kiss. Another? More? Really? It can stop now. What happened to being a prude, Rob? How are they still kissing? We get it! You're in love! PDA alert! Doesn't Kristen need to breathe? Let her breathe!"
Finally the camera turned away and you saw a random woman standing in a window, watching them.
"It's me!" Rose cheered.
"You're a peeping tom, Rose!" Emmett said.
"No, that's not Rose." Edward said, leaning forward. "I think its Victoria."
Everybody leaned forward, trying to figure it out.
"What the hell is Victoria doing at our Prom?" Bella asked.
"No one will surrender tonight but I won't give in. I know what I want." Said Kristen's voice.
"She wants Rob's sexy body." Alice muttered.
Victoria turned and walked away. The only thing distinguishing her from Nikki, Rosalie's actress, was he ratty fur coat. Funky music started in the background as the credits began.
".... Really? It's over?" Alice said. "That was a stupid ending."
"Incoming, guys. That lady there is furious at us for disrupting her movie-going experience." Edward nodded subtly at a woman a few rows away who was so focused on squinting at the Cullens that she accidentally knocked over some little kid. "I think she's trying to kill Japer with her gaze."
The Cullens and Bella darted out of the actual theater and into the hallway.
The people passing to leave the theater were giving them murderous looks.
"I don't think we're loved here. " Bella pointed out.
Edward sighed. "Unfortunately, you are."
She looked at him, confused. "What do you mea-"
About fifty gummy bears hit Emmett's face, sticking because their previous owner had licked the backs.
Jacob Black sidled out from behind a group of gigging preteens. A crumbled bag of gummy bears lay in his open palm. "Sup Leeches? Hello Bella. Did everyone like the movie?"
The response was naturally a whole lot of growls and the answer "I thought it was nifty!" from Bella. "Did you like it, Jake?"
"I thought the Edward Cullen character needed to pull the stick out of his ass but, aside from that, it was fairly alright. That Jacob character stole the show."
"Your mom stole the show." Jasper muttered just as Edward dropped the news. "I signed on for a second one."
There was a deafening silence.
"You mean we're going to have to sit through another one of these?" Emmett said hollowly.
"Hey, the next one is where you go away, right Cullen?" Jacob asked, sliding an arm possessively around Bella's waist. "You're coming with me to that one, right B?" He asked, nuzzling his face into her hair persuasively.
Bella giggled. 'Okay..."
Jasper and Emmett took turns pretending to puke.
"Hello! I'm right here!" Edward said. "And she is most definitely coming with us!"
"Nope, sorry Edward. Jake's right. You left."
"Yeah, well.... I'm replacing your actor!" Edward snapped at Jacob.
"Wha- Hey! Come on! I actually like Taylor as me!"
"Yeah, I kind of do too. Ugly enough to be accurate."
As Edward and Jacob tried to glare each other to death some girl with brown and blue hair did a double take and dragged her tall, blonde friend over to the Cullens.
"Hey," She said, blushing as capably as Bella. "Sorry to interrupt but....you know you look JUST LIKE that Jasper guy." She was talking directly to Jasper now.
He looked shocked, then angry. "I do not look like that guy! I don't always look constipated, do I?" His voice came out whiney.
The blonde friend looked embarrassed but the girl plowed on, "Yeah, yeah kind of. Just a little constipated."
"Constipated but hot." The blond girl added.
"Totally. Can we get an autograph?"
Jasper tried to look a not constipated as possible as he nodded.
Edward took a step forward. "Hey, what about me? Don't I look like Rob Pattinson?"
The blue-haired girl tilted her head to the side and narrowed her eyes. "Um.... maybe? If you really really squint."
The blond girl frowned. "Maybe the hair."
"We don't have the same hair!" Edward said defensively, raising his hands to pat the top of his hair down.
"Uh-huh. Yeah, the hair." The other girl agreed. "But Jasper is my favorite in the movie!"
The girls collected their autographs from Jasper and departed.
Emmett looked around. "Let's all sneak into the next showing of Quantum of Solace!"
"Yay!" They all cheered.
"Except for Jake!"
"Yay!" They all cheered except Jake, who frowned dejectedly.
And so they began the 365-day wait until New Moon- the movie.
Disclaimer- Pan does not own Twilight (the book or the movie). I know, shocker, right?
I know a lot of people didn't like the movie but I thought it was okay. But I'm also severely optimistic so that could explain it... So, tell me what you think of the movie or this story (or both if you're feeling chatty ;) ) via review! Come on! I do it all the time! It's fun!
Thanks for readin'!