I promised my youngest sister that I'd write her this story back at the beginning of August (The 8th, actually; I know the exact date because I was writing Fun In The Sun that night). It was a bribe to get her to behave for me. I never did write it... Therefore, here it is (she's only 6-years-old, so the version I'll be presenting her with will be edited for such things as profanity and whatnot to make it G-rated).
Gather around children and listen well, for the frozen banana has a story to tell. It starts with two bots, one yellow, one a spaz, who go by the names of Bumblebee and Jazz…
Bumblebee rolled over in his sleep like he did every night, crushing his best friend under his weight. The smaller robot wriggled and squirmed out from under him, falling to the floor with a loud crash. Optimus Prime gave them both a weird look.
"Why are you both sleeping on the kitchen table?" he asked Jazz.
Jazz stared up at him from where he lay on the floor. "It was closer to the fridge for when we wake up," he explained. Optimus still seemed confused.
"Is it morning already, Jazz?" Bumblebee asked sleepily as he sat up. He stretched out and jumped down from the table.
"Yep," Jazz replied. "First thing on our schedule… To the fridge, so that we may fill our bodies with nourishment!"
"Away!" Bumblebee added as they both made a break for the fridge.
Optimus shook his head. "Who the heck sleeps on the table?" He opened the cabinet looking for something to eat himself. He jumped back and screamed in surprise.
"G'morning!" Arcee said from where she had slept through the night in the cabinet, munching on a box of cereal.
"Alright, what's next on our list, Jazz?" Bumblebee asked.
"Okay, let's see…" Jazz looked over his PDA. "Eat…check. Annoy Prowl…check. Find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop…" He pulled a Tootsie Pop out of subspace and held it out for Bumblebee. "Here Bee, lick this."
Bumblebee stared at the Tootsie Pop then looked at Jazz and back to the candy. "I can't… I don't have a mouth…"
"And I don't like orange…" Jazz added. They continued to stare at it. "Okay, we'll skip that, then." He tossed the Tootsie Pop away. Sunstreaker looked up, confused, when a piece of candy pelted him in the head, shrugged, and ate it.
"So what do we do next, then?" Bumblebee asked excitedly.
"Yay! Floaty!" Bumblebee cheered, running off in the direction of his room. Jazz soon followed after him. Bumblebee slid to a halt in front of a fish tank and looked through the glass. "Hey Floaty! Are you ready to eat? Floaty?" He tapped lightly on the glass. "Jazz, something's wrong with Floaty…"
Jazz walked up next to him and looked into the tank at the goldfish. "Uh oh… Bumblebee… Floaty's kicked the bucket…"
"What bucket? That one we dump the water in when we clean out his tank?" Bumblebee asked innocently.
Jazz averted his optics. "No, Bee… I mean he's pushing up daisies…"
"There aren't any daisies in there. Just plastic plants," Bumblebee pointed out.
"He's dead, Bumblebee."
Bumblebee's optics got wider. "What do you mean he's dead? Floaty can't be dead! He's my friend!"
"Yeah… So what the hell do we do with the rest of this shit?" Jazz asked, holding up the can of fish food. He shrugged, poured some into his hand, and ate it. "Hey, this crap actually isn't half bad."
"Floaty, don't do this to me!" Bumblebee sobbed. He reached into the tank and pulled out the floating corpse. "Jazz, quick! Do CPR! Maybe we can save him!"
Jazz backed away from him. "Bumblebee, I'm not putting my mouth anywhere near that thing! That's disgusting!"
"Says the guy who's eating fish food! Now give Floaty CPR!" Bumblebee demanded.
"Floaty's dead, Bumblebee. There's nothing more we can do for him," Jazz sighed. He ate another handful of the fish food. "These are some damn good fish flakes."
"But…but why?" Bumblebee sobbed.
"Everything dies eventually, BeeBee. Even I did," Jazz tried to explain. "That's just the way things are. Holy cow, these might even be better than that jar of baby food I ate last week!"
"But he was just a little fish! He was too young to die!" Bumblebee sobbed. Jazz wrapped his arms around him and attempted to comfort him. He then ate more of the fish food. Bumblebee snatched the can from him and slammed it down on the table. "Stop eating the damn fish flakes!"
"Aw, Bumblebee, don't cry. I'm sure Floaty's in a better place now," Arcee said reassuringly.
Bumblebee had painted his armor black out of respect and was crying over a shoebox containing Floaty. "It's like one day he's following my finger through the glass, and the next he's swimming around in the giant fish bowl in the sky!" he sobbed.
"Things die, Bee. People, animals, weblogs… Everything," Arcee hugged him. She looked over at Jazz funny when he came in munching on fish food. "Jazz, there's squid parts and old, dried up fish in that."
"Really? Ew!" Jazz replied, eating some more of it. Arcee shook her head.
"Floaty used to love fish flakes!" Bumblebee sobbed.
"Um… Can thombody get me thum water?" Jazz asked with a mouthful of fish food.
"Floaty used to love water!"
Arcee glared at Jazz. "Can you try to be a little more sensitive?"
Jazz shrugged, swallowing the fish food. "Okay then… I'm gonna go watch Pimp My Ride."
"Floaty used to love watching Pimp My Ride!"
Arcee glared at him again. "The fish never…" he tried to defend himself.
"Go!" she snapped, pushing him out of the room.
Bumblebee continued to sob over his fish while Arcee hugged him. "It's okay, Bumblebee. We'll get you a new goldfish."
"But I don't want a new goldfish! I want Floaty!" Bumblebee protested. He hugged the box tighter.
"Floaty's gone, Bumblebee. We can't raise him from the dead," Arcee reasoned.
Bumblebee stopped his crying a moment, his head picking up as an idea occurred to him. "Why not? We brought Jazz back from the dead." Arcee had a feeling that what he had in mind was going to be something stupid…
"Okay, so explain to me what we're going to do again?" Jazz asked, sitting on the couch so that he was upside down with his head on the floor.
"Well, when you died, we used the Allspark to bring you back, right?" Bumblebee replied. Jazz and Arcee nodded. "So why don't we just go to whoever's in charge of dead organics and ask for Floaty back?"
"That's a great idea and all, BeeBee, but you're forgetting one thing… We don't know where that guy even lives…" Jazz pointed out.
"Or even who he is," Arcee added.
Bumblebee thought a moment. "Then we shall use the best and most truthful source on the Internet to find out who this person is and where he lives: Wikipedia!"
And so, they all rushed to the nearest computer to look up who this person was on Wikipedia.
"Here! This "Reaper" guy must have your fish!" Jazz pointed out on the website.
Bumblebee scanned the article. "Hmm… So then where does he live?"
"I dunno… Let's check MapQuest!" Jazz suggested. They took a few more minutes looking up where he might live on MapQuest.
"Here it is!" Bumblebee said happily, printing the map.
"Alright then! Let's go on a road trip!" Arcee said.
"ROAD TRIP!!" the other two screamed, rushing for the door.
They were soon stopped by Optimus at the front door. "Where do you three think you're going?" he asked.
"We're going on an adventure!" Bumblebee replied.
"Adventure, yes!" Jazz nodded.
Optimus sighed. He knew their answer was going to be stupid. "No. You know you're not allowed outside without adult supervision."
"But we are adults!" Bumblebee protested.
"Yeah, especially Jazz!" Arcee agreed. "He's twice our age! Why can't he be our supervision?"
"Because Primus didn't give him half the brains that he gave a hunk of scrap metal," Optimus replied.
Jazz leaned over towards Bumblebee and whispered, "Who's he talking about?"
Bumblebee thought a moment. "What about you? Why can't you be our supervision?"
"Excuse me?" Optimus asked, staring at him in confusion.
"Yeah, Optimus! Come with us!" Arcee added excitedly. She nudged Bumblebee and Jazz. "Give him the cute look…" All three of them gave him the cutest look that they could, making them look more like helpless sparklings than the mature adults they claimed to be.
Optimus sighed. They really wanted to go, and if he said no, they'd just wait until he was gone and then sneak out. He really didn't want them to do that, so he gave in. "Fine. I'll come with you. Where are we going again?"
"YAY!" the others cheered.