Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Just a hoodie… and some worn hardcovers… a button… and a heaping helping of obsession. Stephenie owns the rest and I just get to play. I am happy.

Dedication: To Ashly, without whom this story wouldn't even exist. To Ashley (not at all to be confused with the other one), who really is the heart and soul of Twilight addictions. And to Katie, who shared with me the deeper issues and concerns of vampires who have been poked in the eye.

If You Poke a Vampire in the Eye:
as recalled by Bella Swan

If you poke a vampire in the eye, it might not hurt him but you'll still feel guilty.

So you'll want to get him a Band-Aid. But vampire's houses don't have Band-Aids.

So you decide to drive to the store.

It will be raining. You'll end up in the ditch.

The pretty car will be buried up to the doors.

You have forgotten your umbrella.

But you'll walk anyway.

Along the way you fall down. A lot.

You will get muddy. Cause that's what happens to clumsy people.

(And that's what doesn't happen to vampires. Even ones who get poked in the eye. *grumble*)

At the store, you'll notice the stares. Joy.

You'll grab the Band-Aids.

And realize you've left your purse.

In the car.

In the ditch.

You'll want to cry then. Tears of embarrassment fused to your fuming exasperation.

You call Alice.

Wondering why she hadn't foreseen this calamity, you suspect foul play.

Or maybe, for the benefit of the doubt, she just wasn't paying attention.

Silly girl. Doesn't she know you at all?

Still, you'll tell her what's happened.

She laughs. At you.

You vow to be mad at her forever. Then she brings you money.

Nice vampire sister-in-law-to-be-someday-maybe. You forgive her of course.

She drives you back to the house in the woods.

You deliver the Band-Aids, not really remembering why you needed them in the first place.

Because now you look very bad. And you smell worse.

Emmett makes a joke.

You punch him.

Hey, you've had a bad day.

Emmett doesn't mind being punched. But your hand minds punching him.

Emmett laughs at you too.

And now you really do start crying.

Cause you're dirty…

Cause you're sure you've broken your hand…

Cause Emmett is laughing and you'll hate him forever. You really will.

Rosalie rolls her eyes. You decide to hate her too. Which will take no effort, at all.

Jasper tries to calm you. With all your crazy human girl emotions, you're sure he's gotten sick of this practice already.

Surely he doesn't need to use his influence this much on his own family.

As you recall, he once wanted to kill you. For the good of the family.

You're glad you're friends now. Really glad.

Alice offers to take you to the hospital to check out your hand. It swelled.

Purpling beneath the dried mud. Fun.

You'll go with her. Happily.

Carlisle wraps your sprained fingers. He lists some do's and dont's.

Alice has told him everything. Of course.

Someone from school will see you leave the hospital. They will wave. You will pretend you don't see them.

They'll be questions on Monday. Alice informs you of that fun fact.


Alice thinks you smell too.

She wants to take you shopping. As though that is the solution to everything.

She says your clothes are certainly ruined.

You tell her she can buy you an ice cream cone, thank you very much.

You feel like eating ice cream. Three scoops.

The ice cream is cold.

And you'll think of something else that's cold.


You very much want to be home then, with him.

When he see you, Edward hugs you. If he thinks you're smelly, he doesn't say it.

And he won't laugh when you tell him all about you day. Even though he already knew the finer details.

Mindreading cheater.

He thanks you for the Band-Aids. Of course he's not wearing one.

Cause that's ridiculous. You can't believe you even had that dumb idea anyway.

You tell him he's welcome.

And promise never to poke him in the eye again.

The End.

A/N: This story is Ashly's fault because it was she who asked the question that started my muses ruminating. ("If you poke a vampire in the eye…"? Seriously, only Ashly could have this thought.) So after much cud-chewing, my muses produced this, late at night, when I was trying to sleep. Yet I complain not for there really are worse things than visions of vampires to make you tired for work. He he… yay.
So this is it. I'm sure it's completely untrue to the characters but I think its ok anyway. Just a little piece of situation humor. At least I think so. And now it's your turn, to think that is. Good? Bad? Ugly? Clint Eastwood? Ha! No, he's not an option. Just kidding.
All you have to do is click that little button below and tell me what you thought! Easy peasy. I promise I'll give you a cookie! Everyone likes bribes… er… cookies. :}