Disclaimer: I do not own Sonic the Hedgehog or any related characters.
This has been sitting in my mind for a while now, and I've finally decided to put it down in writing. I've just seen so many horrible stories out there that I've decided to take a shot at all the things that make a story bad. This isn't just a parody of Sonic the Hedgehog; it's a parody of Sonic fan fiction stories. Please, I don't mean to offend anyone. In fact, I make fun of my own stories as well, so please don't write me a flame in all capital letters telling me to go to hell. It's meant to entertain and hopefully make you laugh, so enjoy!
Sonic the Parody
It was a sunny, bright, beautiful day in Station Square. After all, when did a story begin in a city with a grey sky and no birds chirping? That was just unheard of. No, this was a picture-perfect day – like all the other days – even though it seemed a little strange that it never rained in this city. But who was going to break stereotypes? Certainly not this author.
A blue blur zipped though the busy streets of the city, which only held beautiful women and handsome men. The ugly people weren't allowed to come out until eight at night. That blue blur was none other than Sonic the Hedgehog, the world's fastest supersonic hedgehog. Not that there was more than one supersonic hedgehog in existence, but putting the word "fastest" before said phrase only made people ooh and ahh more when they saw him.
Sonic winked at a couple of human fan girls that got little red hearts were their eyes were supposed to be. They idolized him, wanted to ravage him and steal his underwear, even though he didn't wear any and bestiality was considered a little gross in the regular world.
The hero suddenly collided with something and fell to the ground, screaming over-dramatically to add to the tension and mystery of who he bumped into. Could he have dodged said obstacle with his speed? Sure, but how much fun would that be? The plot never would have started without this illogical little event.
Sonic jumped up and came face-to-face with the fangirl of all fangirls: Amy Rose. The little pink hedgehog who had a price on her head from half of the Sonic fandom smiled at her crush.
"Hi Sonic! Sorry I bumped into you, I was on my way to the grocery store." Her tone was so sweet and delicate, like recently poured syrup.
Mmmhhh, syrup. Of course that analogy was completely useless and irrelevant, but who didn't like syrup? Communists, that's who. Case closed.
Sonic's eyes suddenly filled with rage. "I'm not going on a date with you Amy!"
Amy blinked. "But I didn't ask –"
"God, why can't you just leave me alone?" He threw his hands into the air. Despite the ruckus he was making, none of the people on the streets noticed and simply moved on. That was normal, you know. Heroes were allowed to cause domestic disturbances and get away with it. It said so in the handbook.
"But Sonic, I was just going shopping!"
"You mean shopping for a blue hunk of a hedgehog, don't you? I know all about the secret woman-speech code," Sonic screamed.
"I hate you Amy!" the hero – who was usually kind but for the purpose of turning this into a ShadAmy fic was being an asshole – screamed at her face. "I wish you'd never been born, I hope you choke on a grape fruit! Kiss my spiny blue ass, Amy! Kiss it!"
Tears welled in the pink hedgehog's eyes, but that wasn't enough for Sonic. In a blur of blue, he was in front of her, raised his hand, and pimp-slapped her.
The fourteen year-old fell to the ground, gashes and bruises all over her body. Although that slap wasn't nearly enough for such an injury, this is my story and I can bloody up Amy all I want. Plus, it adds to the dramatic effect and Shadow eventually patching her up, which in turn will lead them to true love.
See? I'm smart like that. A totally original plot. I bet no one saw it coming.
Sonic flipped Amy the bird one more time before running off for the sole plot purpose of leaving Amy alone. Don't ask where he went. He went somewhere; I'm just too shallow a writer to properly give him a good excuse to leave.
He appeared one more time when Amy was trying to get up, pushed her down again, and stole her purse. Yes, he is now a thief. The hero with a heart of gold is a crook. You don't like it? Too bad, it's my story.
Amy sobbed, her body a crumpled mass of pink and ripped cloths. Yes, her clothes were ripped. How?
…Screw you, that's how.
Anyway, she continued sobbing, all of the people in the city gleefully ignoring her. They were too busy being beautiful, after all. Adding to waves of clichés, the sunshine suddenly disappeared as if it was the work of God…or the author. The sky filled with storm clouds and rain began to fall. In a blink, the streets that were littered with people a moment ago were empty, leaving only the solitary pink hedgehog crying in the street.
A truck passed her, splashing the water that had gathered on the street all over her. Amy then asked herself the stereotypical and ridiculous question: Could this day get any worse?
Hell yeah! Because I'm the author! I don't worry about it seeming highly unlikely that so many bad things could happen to a person in one day; I just keep up the fire. A group of shadowy figures clad in leather approached the crying pink hedgehog, a group of chain-gang humans.
"Well, well, look what we got here!" the first human, a scruffy blonde guy with "Steak" tattooed across his forehead, said, smirking.
"It's a hedgehog," the required-by-fiction-law stupid member of the group piped up.
"A very wet, sexy hedgehog that's all alone in this dark alley," the blonde replied.
Yes, they were suddenly in a dark alley. It's my story and I can do whatever the hell I want. Deal with it.
Amy shuddered and backed away, not even thinking of pulling out her massive hammer. Why would she defend herself anyway when she was more than capable of doing so? It wouldn't let the ShadAmy chemistry begin, duh.
"We should have some fun," the blonde thug said with a dark smile.
He didn't care that he was a six-foot tall human being and she was a three-foot tall hedgehog. Interspecies sex rocked. To hell with Conservatives and their condemning his unnatural obsession!
"Is this my cue?"
Yes, yes it is.
Shadow the Hedgehog, in all his badass-ness, leaped from the roof above, going positively ape-shit on the hundreds of thugs. Yes, there were hundreds of them now.
After blasting them away with ease because he was the ultimate life form and they were mere fodder characters, Shadow strolled up to Amy and offered her his hand. Yes, she was suddenly on the ground. Why? She tripped and fell backwards. I forgot to mention that? Oh well, tough shit.
"Are you all right Amy?" Shadow asked her.
"Wow, that's the first time you've spoken with me since the Ark, and even that was only like a couple of sentences!" Amy exclaimed.
Shadow blinked. "Uh…whatever. Let me take you back to my place."
"Because you're injured…and because the ShadAmy fans demand some fluff between us."
It wasn't like Shadow was dangerous or anything, or that he had to be handled with caution since he almost blew up the world…twice. He was a good-hearted being, no matter what the anti-Shadow fans said.
All hail Shadow, bitches.
Shadow opened the door to his small cottage. It wasn't like he was getting paid or anything, being a GUN agent and all, and could afford an actual house. Hell no, he was too mysterious and cool to live in a conformist house. Amy walked in, shuddering from the cold. The ultimate life form silently watched her bruised, half-naked body, feeling a blush creep onto his cheeks.
Even though he was an anti-social bastard that hardly ever showed emotions besides anger or arrogance, he blushed. Why? Because it was cute, you pricks. Also, it will probably give me more reviews from the fangirls that type kawai in capital letters. But hey, a review is a review.
Amy took a seat on his bed, in his small cottage. Did I mention it was a cottage already? She smiled sweetly at him and patted the bed, indicating that she wanted him to sit next to her. Shadow gladly obliged and sat down.
"So, Shadow," she purred, tracing her finger along his arm. "What's the real reason you brought me here?"
Ignoring the fact that she was completely OOC, Shadow smiled. "I know the faker rejected you, and wanted to offer some comfort."
"Even though you barely know me, probably have better stuff to do, and know that I'm an annoying side character made by SEGA to be Sonic's love interest?"
"But there's something else wrong with you, Amy. I can tell," Shadow sighed as he put a hand on her thigh, ignoring the fact that it was bare of clothing. Shadow was, after all, a closet pervert.
Amy nodded. "You're right."
The pink hedgehog then told Shadow her past in a long, run-on paragraph with no spacing and poor grammar, as well as a few spelling mistakes. She told him how her parents were murdered when she was four and how she had been living alone since then.
"Don't they put you in foster care if that happens?" Shadow piped up, interrupting the poorly constructed paragraph.
"I…" Amy paused, and the author realized his plot hole. But, being a lazy bastard that sure as hell wasn't going to go back and redo everything to make more sense, he had Amy say the following:
"I ran away from foster care, avoided authorities even though I was only four and a bright pink color that could be spotted from miles away, and lived on the streets until I could get a job as a stripper to pay for rent."
"Oh…can you give me a lap dance?"
"What? I spilled my heart out to you and you want a lap dance?"
Shadow shrugged. "It's a good transitional event for the lemon that's about to come up.
Amy smiled. "Oh yeah! Good idea."
The pink hedgehog then proceeded to give the ultimate life form a super slippery wet lap dance, ignoring the fact that she was fourteen and this guy was like fifty. Shadow then slipped and fell all cliché-like and Amy landed on top of him.
There's some emotional-touché-feely talking in yet another run-on paragraph with no spacing between the speeches and descriptions. Shadow admits that he's always loved Amy and Amy admits that even though she had devoted her entire life to Sonic, she loved him too.
It was so obvious, how could anyone miss it? That sentence between Amy and Shadow aboard the Ark was really a love confession. See? Shipping ShadAmy makes total sense.
The author then proceeds to describe a lemon scene that includes everything you'd see in a regular porno, but being that the author is still a virgin and has no idea what actual sex is like, this is the best he can do.
So, they did it. Right there, in the shabby little cottage. Just like that.
Gigidi Gigidi Goo.
Sonic was sitting in his apartment's bedroom, his breathing heavy and ragged. All the lights were turned off and he held a razor to his wrist, gleefully slicing away at it with a maniacal look in his face. After he had heard about Shadow and Amy being together, he went completely emo. Though, as canon clearly states that Sonic doesn't really like Amy and him obsessing over her now would be illogical, it adds to the love triangle building between Sonic, Amy, and Shadow.
"Ah," Sonic moaned. "It hurts so good!"
After the slicing and dicing session was over, the blue hero strolled into his bathroom with a bottle of whisky in his hand, taking a long gulp before throwing the bottle against the wall, glass flying everywhere as it shattered. Yep, Sonic was now an alcoholic as well.
He stared at his reflection in the mirror. He had dark circles around his eyes and his fur was messy and unkempt. It was all her fault. That seductive vixen by the name of Amy.
"I was just going to the grocery store."
Man, she really turned him on! That line was just so sexy!
The real truth was that he had ignored her, yelled at her, and slapped her because he really loved her deep down, but didn't want her to get hurt by his enemies. It was okay for him to abuse her, but no one else!
…Totally, because I make sense like that.
"If I can't have you, Amy…" he hissed, clenching his fists. "Then no one can!"
Amy and Shadow strolled through the city of Station Square, holding hands. Though the ultimate life form, in canon material at least, acts cold and ruthless, he was nothing more than a teddy bear now that he had confessed his love to the rose hedgehog. He just loved her so much! Enough to ignore the age difference, disgusted looks, and the strange calls by N.U.G.O.G.L.A. – the National Underage Girl Old Guy Love Association.
The two continued to stroll along the streets blissfully until a figure blocked their path. What figure would that be, you may ask? It was the fastest, alcohol-gulping, wrist-cutting hedgehog in the world: Sonic the Hedgehog.
"Oh!" Amy smiled at seeing her former crush. "Hi Sonic, how are you doing?"
"Don't be coy with me, you little tramp!" Sonic yelled, his eyes bloodshot from staying up late last night and watching Pooty Tang three times in a row. "You're supposed to obsess over me, and love me!"
"Psh, as if!" Amy huffed, flipping her hair back. "Don't you know that Shadow and I are destined to be together?"
Sonic blinked. "Apparently not, because you've been chasing me in all the games we've been in for the past fifteen years."
"So? I didn't have anything better to do back then! At least Shadow here rejuvenated the Sonic fandom with his emo-ness and hotness. You're old news!"
"I am the Sonic fandom, you little Barbie!"
"That's enough, faker!" Shadow snarled, stepping in. He was a G after all, and had to protect his baby's mama.
"I don't know why you always call me that all of a sudden!" Sonic yelled, waving his hands through the air. "No one has used that nickname since Sonic Adventure 2, which was like ten years ago!"
"So what, faker? You're just a fake faker that couldn't fake his way into a fake R-rated movie, which had people acting in fake roles to make fake money for their fake corporations."
"Honey," Amy whispered into his ear. "I think you're overdoing it a little."
"Oh yeah," Shadow smiled (even though he never smiled), his ears folding back like a rejected puppy (Awwww). "Sorry muffin."
What happened to the manly man that was once Shadow? Well, the author thought that in the day or so Shadow and Amy have been dating, she has influenced him enough to completely change his demeanor and personality. Rad, isn't it?
The arguing would have continued, had not a shadowy (Ooh, spooky!) figure dropped onto the ground in the middle of the group. Did I forget to mention the sun was once again gone and it was raining? Well, it was.
"I'm here to kill all of you!" the figure snarled, acting like the total stereotypical villain with no other motives besides bloodlust. Original, isn't it?
"Who are you?" Sonic asked, well yelled…because he was still a little drunk.
"I'm Sue, and I'm an ultimate life form, just like Shadow over there!"
ZOMG! YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING DID YA?
The imaginary spot of darkness the author had thrust over his OC to add to the mysteriousness of the poorly constructed character vanished. It looked exactly like a female version of Shadow, boobs and all. She had black quills and fur with red highlights, red eyes, and a murderous gaze…sorry, too descriptive. I meant mean look.
"I'm here to prove that I'm the ultimate life form, not him!" Sue shouted, pointing at Shadow.
"Well then, bring it on bitch!" the ultimate life form...wait, there are two of them now, right? So how will the reader know who I'm describing when I say "ultimate life form"? Eh, you'll figure it out.
Shadow leaped at Sue, Chaos powers burning in his hands. Sue side-stepped, kneed him in the gut, bitch-slapped him, punched him in the face, kicked him in the nuts, spit in his face, pulled on his quills, shot pepper-spray into his eyes, ripped off his tail, reattached it, and ripped it back off, broke his nose, snapped his arm in half, and gave him a wet willy.
Whoa, what an intense battle! So descriptive and full of colorful language!
Sonic and Amy just stood by and watched with wide eyes…that were wide. They got even wider at Shadow's ass-beating, then widened some more. Did I forget to mention that they were wide?
They could have helped him, sure. But that would ruin Shadow's plot device.
The ultimate life form was laying on the ground, a bloody mess as Sue stood over him. Rather than finishing him off, which would have been the logical thing to do, she leaped into the air, able to fly. Whoa, with no wings too! What a beast.
"If you want a rematch, Shadow, meet me on the Ark!"
Shadow watched her go and felt Amy's arm encasing him. He pushed her away, eyes wide with fury. "I have to become more powerful so that I can beat her!"
"I could train with you," Sonic piped up.
"You? Dude, you suck ass, why would I train with you?"
"Because there's no one else," he offered with a smile, completely forgetting the confrontation they were in before Sue interrupted them. Amy was still lying on the ground, becoming one with the background setting.
"I beg to differ," a shadowy, scaaaaaary voice hissed. A phantom materialized out of the ground before Shadow. It was Mephiles the Dark.
"Holy shit it's Mephiles!" Amy screeched, though none of them should have had a memory of him. Well, they did. How did they get them? Well, the author was too lazy to give his story a back-story so they just knew him, okay? Damn, so picky.
"I can give you power, Sasuke – I mean Shadow!" Mephiles hissed, flicking his tongue – even though he didn't have a mouth let alone a tongue – around.
Shadow shrugged. "Sure why not?"
Shadow hopped into the dark portal besides Mephiles, and the two slowly began to sink into the ground.
"Shadow, sweety, noooooooooo!" Amy cried, her arm outstretched.
"Sorry Amy, it's not you, it's me," Shadow replied before disappearing along with Mephiles.
"Sooooooo," Sonic drawled. "Are we good?"
Amy shrugged. "I guess, since the author was getting bored with our conflict anyway and wants to get on with the lemon."
Sonic gasped. All of a sudden, Amy looked so beautiful, so enchanting, and so…sexy. He lunged forward, kissing her, starting to take off her dress. No, there were no people around. That would have ruined the moment. Though, it was a public place and logically, there were supposed to be a bunch of people.
Then they did it. Right there.
Bow Chika Bow Wow.
Knuckles was sleeping on the steps besides the Master Emerald. Even though he had lived on this island his whole life, he had never built a bed, let alone a house. No, it didn't rain. Of course not. Besides, he liked sleeping on stone-cold, rough rock. Way better than a mattress.
He woke up when he heard the flapping of wings. The warrior sprang to his feet, just in time to see Rouge the Bat landing on the ground before him, her… "assets" bouncing as she landed. Knuckles was drooling.
"Hey there, Knuckles. Gonna give me that emerald?"
"It that the only purpose you have in any of these stories? To steal my emerald, eventually bond and do it with me?"
Rouge put a finger to her chin. "If it's up to the Knuxouge fans, then yeah."
The echidna blinked. "Sweet."
They were about to get into it when they were interrupted by the sound of a loud engine. Both of them looked up to see the Tornado landing on the island a few hundred feet from them.
Sonic, Amy, and Tails jumped out, running up to meet them.
"Guys, we're in trouble," Sonic informed.
"Damn straight you are!" Knuckles yelled angrily. "I was about to boink Rouge and you interrupted me!"
Sonic waved off the comment. "Dude, seriously. There was this ultimate life form chick named Sue and she beat the shit outta Shadow. Then Mephiles shows up and offers to train him. After that, he accepts!"
"Aren't you out of breath with no descriptive breaks in between your speech?" Rouge asked.
Sonic blinked. "No."
Tails and Amy remained quiet, because they weren't all that important.
"Look, the point is, we need to get him back!"
"Why? I don't think anyone here even likes the guy," Knuckles reasoned.
"I do!" Rouge piped up. "In fact, he's a real stallion. It would be a shame if he didn't visit me on a weekly basis anymore."
Everyone looked at her. Especially Amy.
"You eloped with my man?" Amy hissed, her eyes narrowed.
Rouge smirked, antagonizing the hedgehog for no other reason besides leading her into a hot and steamy cat fight. "Your man? He was screaming my name!"
Knuckles blinked. "Wow, Shadow's the girl in bed?"
Amy tore after Rouge, and the two got into it. They bit, scratched, and tore clothes off each other. Out of nowhere, a shower materialized and the fight eventually ended up there. Amy accidentally hit the nozzle and water sprayed all over the two. Clothes clung to their bodies, showing off all their curves and assets. The author was getting excited just typing this!
Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles were sitting on the couch the echidna had pulled out of his house…wait, didn't the author say he didn't have a house? Oh well, moving on.
"Tails, this is the day you become a man," Sonic said with a sly smirk, wrapping an arm around his shoulder.
"Not really," the fox replied. "This isn't even appealing to me."
"Whoa!" Knuckles screeched, flailing his arms in the air. "Are you gay or something?"
"Cool, me too," Sonic added him.
Knuckles gave him a look. "I thought you did the mattress mambo with Amy?"
"Then aren't you straight?"
"Not if I wanna please all the yaoi fans out there begging for some Sonails action!"
"Oh, mind if I join?"
Ignoring the wet, half-naked women fighting before them, the three males got into it. Right there.
Eventually, Rouge and Amy also get a little more intimate in their actions and did it as well. Right there.
With all the poorly structured and heavily descriptive yaoi and yuri lemon scenes out of the way, the heroes were once again debating on what to do about Shadow.
"I'm not strong enough to beat him!" Sonic cried, tears welling in his eyes. "Maybe I should go off and train by myself for two years."
"You idiot!" Amy yelled, smacking him in the head. "That only works in Naruto!"
"Maybe I could help!" a mysterious voice said.
The heroes gasped loudly when a golden-furred, female hedgehog dropped in front of them. Since the author was lacking originality, he simply described her as a yellow version of Amy.
"Who are you?" they asked simultaneously. Wow, they should have been synchronized swimmers.
"I'm Mary," she said with a grin. "And I'm ten times faster than Sonic, ten times stronger than Knuckles, and ten times better at using Chaos energy than Shadow!"
"Wow." Knuckles' voice was flat. "Where the hell have you been hiding?"
That explains everything!
"Anyway, I'm gonna help you all because I'm Amy's long lost cousin!"
Not even bothering with a background check, all the heroes trusted her immediately. There were a few paragraphs about them bonding, and eventually they all made Mary their new leader because she was awesome like that.
"All right," Mary declared all leader-like. "First thing's first! We need to find out where Mephiles and Shadow are hiding!"
"But how are we going to do that?" Sonic asked, totally naïve to Mary's awesomeness.
"I can detect the energy signature of any person in the world!" she declared boldly, puffing her chest out.
"Cool!" Tails exclaimed. "Just like in Dragonball Z! You're such an original character Mary!"
She winked at him, making him blush even though he admitted his gayness a few paragraphs back. Mary was so awesome that she could even make raging homosexuals like Tails become straight again.
Mary closed her eyes, reopening them after a moment. "Okay, got it! Their three hundred and fifty miles north-east!"
"I'll prep the Tornado!" Tails shouted…very loudly even though they were all standing next to him.
"No need!" Mary said with a smirk, raising her hand into the air. On cue, the seven Chaos Emeralds appeared.
What, I forgot to mention that on top of all her unbelievable and unreasonable powers, she could also summon the Chaos Emeralds as well? Well, she can, and if you have a problem with it, kiss my ass!
"Wait, I'm the guardian of the Master Emerald, shouldn't I stay here and protect it?" Knuckles reasoned.
"Don't worry, I'll cast an impenetrable shield of energy around it!" she exclaimed, and with a flick of her wrist, it was done.
Knuckles merely stared at her. "I love you."
"OMG, I love you too Knuckles!" Mary replied, pouncing on him and proceeding to make out.
Having an actual development between those two would be boring, and since the author ships Shadouge, this is a good way to get Knuckles out of the picture. Have a pairing problem? Bring in an OC!
"There are kids around, you know," a strange voice said.
Everyone turned around to see Silver and Blaze casually strolling up to them. You see, the two had found out about the hero's predicament and had decided to help. How did they do it?
Anyway, the two beings from the future strolled up to the heroes.
"Silver, Blaze, what the hell are you doing here?" Amy asked.
Just so you know, the author decided to give that line, which could have been spoken by anyone, to Amy so that she would have some interaction in the story. It's just that the author is extremely shallow and doesn't know how to handle lead female characters in terms of anything other than having them love the male characters.
"We're here to help, duh!" Blaze exclaimed, gleefully smiling and completely OOC. Her eyes suddenly landed on Sonic. That blue fur, those green eyes, that drool running down his chin! He was sexy!
"Sonic, how about we go somewhere more private?" Blaze asked, scooting up to the blue hero, who raised a brow and smirked.
"Blaze, I thought you loved Silver!" Amy exclaimed, outraged. First, Rouge and Mephiles stole Shadow, and now Blaze was trying to steal Sonic!
The feline blinked. "Just because I've known him all my life, sacrificed myself for him in another timeline, have a plush toy replica of him that I secretly cuddle at night, and keep every piece of gum he's ever chewed?"
Blaze laughed. "You obviously don't know what real love is!"
"Then what is real love?" Tails asked, once again asking a question anyone could have asked for the sake of covering the fact that the author had completely forgotten about him.
"Real love…" Blaze began with a big breath. "Is when the author of the story decides he hates a particular couple, in this case Sonamy, and wants to do anything he can to prevent that couple from happening, going as far as pairing one of the two or both with OCs or random characters!"
Tails snapped his fingers. "So does that mean I can plow Amy?"
All eyes landed on the ten year old who wasn't even supposed to hit puberty for another three years.
He shrugged. "What? I'm an early bloomer and I think Amy's hot!"
"Unfortunately, this particular author doesn't ship Taimy, so you're out of luck buddy," Knuckles pointed out, acting like the smart guy even though he was really totally gullible.
"Damn…" Tails sighed, his ears lowering…like a rejected puppy! I didn't use that analogy yet, did I? "Wait, what about Cream?"
"She's eight years old you freak," Rouge hissed with lowered eyelids.
"So, that doesn't stop people from writing lemons about us!"
With that said the young boy ran off, jumped into the Tornado, started the engine, lifted off, and disappeared into the sky on his quest for some underage action.
Though in reality, the author hates Tails and doesn't want him to be involved in the story, so he simply writes him off with a meaningless and useless task.
"Sonic, are you ready to go?" Mary asked. When no one answered, she turned around and saw that two members of their group, Sonic and Blaze to be exact, were missing. She also noticed that the bushes at the edge of the forest were rustling in a strange rhythm.
There was a sudden grunt, and then both missing heroes walked out of the forest. Blaze was adjusting her shirt slightly and Sonic had the smuggest look anyone had ever seen plastered on his face.
"Yep, yep, yep," Sonic smiled, folding his arms behind his head. "I pet the kitty."
"Can we please get going before the author decides that anymore random lemon scenes are necessary?" Amy asked impatiently, tapping her foot.
Knuckles' eyes widened. Amy looked so sexy all of a sudden! For no reason! Just like that! He scanned her body, his sight taking in every voluptuous curve of –
"Would you cut that out?" Amy screamed into the air. "I said no more lemon scenes! If you have to, just do one big gang lemon so we can get on with the plot!"
So, they all got into it. Even Tikal got into it, even though she wasn't there before and wasn't even supposed to be in the story at all. In fact, there was a possibility that Knuckles was her long lost cousin or something, but hey, some people dig incest! Plus, it gives me more reviews!
He, he, all right.
"Shadow!" Mephiles' scream echoed through the empty, dark, lonely halls of his super-duper-secret hideout. "It's time for my massage!"
The demon of time was lying on his king-sized bed, which was shaped like a giant heart, twirling his finger around his lips, waiting for his pupil to arrive.
There was an agitated curse from the other side of the door before it was pushed open. Shadow strolled into the room, completely decked out in a French-Maid outfit. He resisted the urge to puke when Mephiles' eyes clouded over with passion.
"You know, this isn't really what I had in mind when you told me you were going to train me," the ultimate life form hissed, taking out a tube of oil as Mephiles flipped over onto his back
"Power comes at a price, Shadow. Now get started! I'm starting to cramp up!"
Shadow sighed, head hung low in shame as he took a seat next to Mephiles, squirted some of the oil from the tube into his hands, rubbed them together thoroughly, and began massaging the demon's chest.
'I wonder if Sasuke has to go through this shit…'
In an alternate dimension, a raspy voice rang through the dusty, dark halls of an underground hideout.
"Sasuke, it's time for my massage! And don't forget about my happy ending this time!" Orochimaru yelled.
In his room, the young boy cringed before his head dipped low in shame. Picking up the bottle of oil that was on a nightstand beside his bed, he rose and strolled out of his room, preparing to pay the price for power…for the fourth time that day.
"Shadow…" Mephiles purred. Yes, he purred. Like a kitten. "Go a little lower."
Shadow did as he was told, lowering his hands so that he was massaging the demon of time's ripped, eighteen-pack stomach. Hedgehogs, after all, had killer abs.
Cringing, he obeyed again, lowering his arms until they were at his hips.
"If I go any lower I'll be groping your dong, you sick freak!"
"…There's nothing wrong with that. Besides, we have to please the Mephadow fans out there! All four of them!"
"Oh, to hell with this!" Shadow barked, disappearing in a flash of red light.
Mephiles turned over and sighed. Why did that always happen? He didn't even get a happy ending! Oh well, there was always Plan B. Standing, the demon of time walked over to the small corded phone on the wall, punching in the numbers he knew by heart already.
The phone rang for a moment before someone picked up.
"Hey Orochimaru…yeah it's Mephiles. Listen, I need a favor. Could you tell Sasuke to come over?"
The dark halls of space colony Ark were illuminated by the bright, tell-tale flash of Chaos Control as Mary, Sonic, Amy, Rouge, Knuckles, Blaze, Silver, and Tikal appeared.
"Remind me why we're here again when we're supposed to be looking for Shadow?" Sonic asked with a sarcastic tone, his voice laced with…well, sarcasm. He was being very sarcastic.
"Duh!" Mary exclaimed like it was the simplest thing in the world to her…which it was because she was awesome. "I have to fight Sue in an epic OC battle!"
"I thought Shadow was supposed to be fighting her," Blaze added in.
"Shadow's a canon character, who gives a damn about him?" Mary asked smugly. "Everyone knows that OCs like myself attract readers and reviews!"
"No, actually. Readers prefer good character development, couples with a few but well-designed OCs that have relatable personalities, strengths, and weaknesses," Tikal pointed out.
Mary blinked at her. "Go away."
And with a poof of smoke, the echidna princess was gone. Mary was so awesome that she could break the fourth wall and make characters literally disappear from the story. Yes, quite believable, isn't it?
"Aw man!" Knuckles shouted. "I didn't even get a chance to look up her dress!"
"Well, the author doesn't support Knuxikal, so you might as well drool over me!" Mary replied with a wink.
"Dude, seriously, what's with all this name-fusion to describe couples?" Silver asked suddenly, entering the meaningless conversation written for the sole purpose of boosting the author's word-count to make the story seem more impressive.
Everyone gave him a strange look.
"Sonamy, Shadouge, Knuxouge, ShadAmy, Knuxikal, Silvaze, Sonaze, Crails, Sonails, Sonadow," Silver said, counting each couple name with a finger. "What the hell? Couldn't you just put an "x" between the two names?"
"The fangirls think it's cute," Amy pointed out.
Silver gave her a look. "So?"
"Silver, have you seen fangirls and what they're capable of?" Rouge asked with wide eyes.
"Well…no, but –"
"Have you seen what kind of things they draw, all involving us?" Amy cut in.
Mary used her awesomeness to summon a laptop out of thin air, holding it in front of Silver's face. The white hedgehog blinked once, twice, and barfed all over the floor.
Mary snapped her fingers and the laptop disappeared. She looked at him expectantly. "Well?"
"That…" he said in between ragged breaths "…was Shadow…"
"Yes," Rouge said.
"Yep," Amy chirped.
"Yeah – wait, what?" the echidna asked, eyes wide.
Sonic blinked. "Gross."
"Mary, for the love of God, which picture did you show him?" Blaze yelled.
"Indeed," Mary said with a nod.
"…all pounding Sonic in the –"
"Holy hell!" Sonic screamed, cutting him off. "What's wrong with those people?"
Mary cleared her throat. "Now that we have that pointless conversation out of the way, let's go find Sue so all of you can stand on the sidelines and stare wide-eyed as we display our badass-ness!"
This OC fight is totally gonna rock my socks.
Shadow walked through the dark, empty streets of Central City, heaving tossed his French Maid outfit into a garbage can a few blocks back. Suddenly, it began to rain. The ultimate life form's fur clung to his skin, revealing all of his toned muscles. Oh yeah, the fangirls are loving this!
"How am I going to beat Sue?" he asked to no one in particular, making him seem kind of strange were he not the freakin' ultimate life form.
"I can help you," a dark voice whispered right behind him.
Shadow squealed like a girl and turned around, unable to dodge the dark figure that lunged at him and bit him in the neck. Yes, Shadow could run at supersonic speeds and yes, he could use Chaos Control. So why didn't he dodge when it seemed like the right and logical thing to do?
Because I say so.
"Ow, shit, my neck!" Shadow yelped, pointing an accusing finger at his assailant. "You asshole!"
"Stop your crying, I just gave you awesome new powers!" the shadowy figure, which was a black hedgehog with black eyes, said, smiling and showing off fanged teeth.
Shadow blinked. "Dude, are you a vampire?"
"No shit, dumbass," the vampire sighed, rolling his eyes and disappearing in a wisp of darkness, never to be seen or heard from again.
The black and red hedgehog smirked. "Awesome, I'm totally gonna kick Sue's ass now!"
The pale light of the moon illuminated the mostly deserted observation center of space colony Ark. Sue stood there silently, observing Earth below her. Her plan was perfect and original: she was going to take over the world! And no one would stop her…ever!
The door to the observatory burst open and Mary waltzed right in, followed by the rest of the heroes, which I won't bother listing because they're not important when both of the OCs are in the room.
"Sue, I've come here to kick the hell out of you!" Mary yelled, pointing a finger at her twin, since they were both the simultaneous product of a bored teenager with no experience in character development.
Sue smirked. "Bring it on then, beyotch."
Mary charged at her, and one split second before they were about to clash in an OMG EPIC FTW battle of the OCs, a dark figure appeared in between them in a blink of light. Both immediately stopped, using their awesome Chaos powers to redirect their energy to their feet to slow themselves down incredibly fast. Sweet, isn't it?
"I'm gonna kick the hell out of both of you," Shadow the Hedgehog announced, standing in between the two females (even though I said that like three seconds ago).
"Shadow!" Rouge gasped from the sidelines, having been reduced to nothing but the ultimate life form's plot-less cheerleader.
Shadow blinked, looking at the bat. "Bitch, I told you to wait at the house."
"Don't talk to her like that!" Amy yelled, defending her best friend. Though, in reality, they've hardly talked.
"Same for you, pinky," Shadow said with a glare.
"Yes daddy," both Amy and Rouge recited at the same time.
"Back on topic," Mary interrupted. "What makes you think you can take both of us on?"
"Wait, what do you mean 'both of us'?" Knuckles asked. "You're on our side!"
Mary smirked evilly. "I've been lying to all this whole time! I'm actually the third ultimate life form project, the first to be exact! And now I'm gonna take Shadow out and claim the title of ultimate life form!"
WHAT A TWIST!!!
"Wait, what about me?" Sue asked, pointing to herself.
"We'll be one person, so it shouldn't matter. Are you ready to dance?"
Sue and Mary got into position about five feet from each other. Simultaneously, they spoke while performing their weird, ritualistic dance.
See, I changed the "ha" to "oh" so no one would call me a copycat. I didn't get this from Dragonball Z! This is all original! Honestly! I swear! All of you can go to hell if you don't believe me!
In a bright flash of light, the two females combined into a single being with long golden quills and blood-red eyes. What an excellent and intuitive description of my new character, huh?
"I'm Mary-Sue! Kneel down, bitches!"
"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Shadow said with a smirk, showing off fanged teeth.
Mary-Sue blinked. "Are you a vampire?"
Shadow lunged for Mary-Sue, ripping into her throat with his newly acquired vampire chompers. The poorly-constructed fan character wailed and cried as the blood was sucked out of her body.
Shadow had discovered Mary-Sue's only weakness: vampires. Though it would have made sense to drop little hints here and there throughout the story to point towards this fact, because it makes the revelation of it far-fetched and much too convenient, I've only got one thing to say:
Screw you guys, it's my story.
Mary-Sue dropped to the ground in a life-less heap. A beat of silence passed, and then she blew up in a fiery explosion, damaging the Ark's main life-support system which was so inconveniently located in that room, prompting for the standard and required let's-get-the-hell-out-of-here escape scene…
…Which I will not write about because I don't feel like it.
"So…" Shadow drawled out. "Are we good?"
Sonic and the rest of the heroes shrugged simultaneously, once again begging the question if they should or should not be synchronized swimmers. "I guess, since you saved us and the world and all."
"Hey," Knuckles piped up. "Has anyone seen Big or the Chaotix?"
"The author doesn't like those characters," Amy pointed out. "So he didn't include them."
They were all in Station Square, by the way. I didn't mention that? Oh well.
"What about Tails and Cream?" Blaze asked.
"They got killed off-screen," Silver informed.
Rouge blinked. "Who?"
"What about pairings?" Amy asked.
"I call Rouge and Amy!" Shadow yelled out.
Sonic gave him a look. "On the weekends. Consider it your punishment for pulling a Sasuke on us."
Shadow growled, but bowed his head in submission, completing his OOC transformation.
So, the heroes all linked hands and walked off into the sunset, happy that all the threats to the Earth, humanity, and whatever the hell their people were called were over. Everything was perfect and at peace.
In a dark, quiet room, a low, evil chuckle rang though the air.
"Hm hm hm, this is just the beginning…"
Oh snap, never mind.
Author's Note: Wow, this is bordering on Mature. If I should change it, let me know. Anyway, once again, please don't be offended, learn to take a joke! Update 1/25/09: Fixed some minor grammar bugs and changed all the OC's to OCs.