This is a Yullen fic. The Tyki raped Kanda part was for the drama and angst and a bit of plot movement.

Warnings: language, mentions of yaoi

Disclaimer: Why am I still doing this? I don't own D. Gray Man.

--

Lavi sighed and looked down at his hands. "Believe me, Allen. In this ugly world, you're still a kid. Age doesn't mean a thing. Not when you haven't seen the real-life horrors out there. But I'll tell you anyway. Let's begin with this. How much do you know about the Black Order?"

Allen was thrown off by the question. "It's…a university."

When the white haired teen didn't say anything else, Lavi cleared his throat. "And?"

"…And…you teach there?"

The redhead waited a few moments, until he looked up and saw the confusion on the other's face. "That's all?"

"There's more? What does this have to do with anything?"

Lavi opened and closed his mouth several times, accurately portraying a fish to Allen's slight amusement. "This has to do with everything…aren't you Cross Marian's apprentice?"

"Apprentice? I don't know what you're talking about. He's my legal guardian, if that's what you're asking."

"So…Cross didn't tell you anything about the Black Order except that it's a university?"

"Yeah."

Lavi could almost hear the gears clanking in his head. Why would a man, who's been missing from the Order for nearly four years, suddenly send a kid here without giving him any prior knowledge of why the Black Order existed? What was Cross's objective? His motives? What does he seek to gain?

If there was one person who he couldn't figure out, Lavi would have to say Cross Marian. The man was resourceful and willing to use anyone and anything to accomplish his goals, whether it benefited the Order or not.

The redhead bit back a sigh. Thinking of the AWOL General always gave him a headache. "Alright, why did Cross send you here to attend the Black Order University?"

The teen visibly deflated. "He said and I quote, 'Allen, I am sending you to attend the Black Order University. If you refuse, I'll bury you in so much debt that you'll still be paying it in the afterlife, you hear me? Even if you're an idiot with no sense of direction, I'm sure you can find the place on your own. Like hell I'm going anywhere near that hellhole.' Then he hit me on the head with a hammer." Allen rubbed his head to sooth the phantom pain. "When I woke up, he was gone. The only things he left were the address of the University and a pile of bills in my name."

Lavi sweatdropped. Was it his imagination or was Allen tearing up? 'What kind of torture did Cross put him through?'

Pushing aside his past traumas, Allen got back on track. "So? What's so important about the Black Order?"

The redhead hesitated. "I don't think I should tell you anything."

"Eh? Why not?"

"I thought you were one of us, considering you were sent here by Cross Marian, but you're not. I can't just tell you 'cause there's a lot of sensitive information."

"Then tell me about Kanda."

Lavi looked away, unsure of how to answer. A cheerful tune began playing, making him jump in surprise. He pulled out his cell phone.

Allen watched Lavi nod and give one-word answers.

The redhead flipped his phone shut and gave Allen an apologetic look. He stood, preparing to leave. "Sorry, Allen, but I can't tell you about Kanda. I gotta go. You're better off forgetting this whole thing."

The teen jumped up and caught Lavi's arm. "Wait! How can you expect me to forget all this? Are you a part of some organization? If you are, then tell me how to join."

"Allen."

"Please!"

"Why? Don't you get it? This could put you in danger. Are you willing to risk your life for some information?"

Allen opened his mouth to respond, but no sound came out.

Lavi pulled his arm away. "Seriously, Allen. This isn't something you decide to do because you're bored and need to pass the time. Getting involved could get you killed. Or at the very least hurt. You have your entire life ahead of you. Don't throw it away. Forget about Kanda. He'll be fine. I know I must sound like a real bastard saying that, but Kanda's been through hell and back already. He's a survivor, that one. It's a disgusting life he and I live. You're a nice kid, Allen. I don't want to see blood on your hands. I'm going to be late if I don't go. I'll see you in class."

After Lavi left, Allen collapsed into the chair he occupied earlier.

Why did he care so much? Didn't he promise himself, after Mana's death, to never let anyone close? To never let anyone become important? To never form bonds that would only hurt in the end? Why was he going so far for someone he didn't know, someone who practically raped him not too long ago? 'But I was willing, wasn't I? I didn't really fight against Kanda. I barely struggled to get away from him. And he had been careful. He said he would be gentle and he kept his word. I fell asleep next to him afterwards. He may have said a mean things in the morning. He glared at me a lot. He doesn't seem to be a very nice person. But…seeing him hurt and bleeding. I had a chance to take care of him. To help him. And I couldn't even do that because I didn't want them to see my arm. No. That's not true. I didn't want Kanda to see my arm. I didn't want him to call me a freak and push me away. Since when did I care about what he thought of me? No. No, no, no, no. I can't. I don't want to care about anyone. I spent years closing myself off from people. Years. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I killed Mana. What if something happened to Kanda because of me? But why can't I stop thinking about him? Why does his opinion matter?'

Allen stood and walked to the bedroom. He lightly knocked on the door, but there was no answer. Fearing the worst, Allen opened the surprisingly unlocked door and peeked in. With the curtains closed, he couldn't see much, but Allen was able to make out a lump on the bed. The teen stepped inside and left the door open behind him.

He made his way over to the bed, chaotic thoughts tormenting his mind. What was it about Kanda that drew him? Allen knew he should leave but was unable to tear his gaze away from the sleeping Asian. Kanda was laying on his stomach, his dark hair blending with the dark blue sheets.

Allen found himself mesmerized. He cautiously sat on the bed, careful not to disturb Kanda. Slowly reaching out his hand, he picked up a lock of silky hair, stark black against his white glove. He unconsciously leaned forward to get a closer look. How did Kanda keep his hair so well groomed?

A hand shot up, grabbing a fistful of white hair and pulled Allen's head down onto the pillow. He turned his head to prevent himself from suffocating only to meet a pair of dark eyes watching at him.

"What are you doing, Moyashi?"

Kanda's voice was rough with sleep. The teen wasn't sure why his heart suddenly began racing. Fear? Nervousness? But it didn't feel like either.

He finally noticed how close they were, noses only inches apart. Cheeks reddening, Allen wanted to look away but Kanda's eyes captivated him. In the dim light peeking under the curtains, unguarded dark eyes gleamed with so many flickering emotions that Allen couldn't name them. There was confusion. And guilt. Sadness. Regret. Loneliness. The teen held his breath watching the various emotions run past those stormy eyes. He vaguely felt the older man's hand absently run through his hair.

"Kanda?"

Those eyes, Allen wouldn't mind staring at them for hours on end, but he doubted he would get the chance. Kanda seemed to have realized that he let his guard down because the dark orbs sharpened with anger as he completely woke up, no longer stuck in that hazy plane between wakefulness and sleep.

The Asian fisted his hand again, making Allen flinch from the painful grip. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"N-Nothing! Just checking to make sure you're alright. You didn't answer when I knocked."

"That doesn't mean you can just walk in."

"I was worried."

Kanda loosened his hold on the white hair, but his voice became more venomous, eyes glittering with barely suppressed rage. "How dare you. Who the fuck do you think you are? You don't know anything about me, yet you're worried. Why? What fucking reason could you possibly have to worry about me?"

Allen got up, moving away from the bed and gingerly rubbing his sore scalp. Again, why? Why was he worried? Why did he care? He looked away from Kanda.

"I don't know." Allen backed further away, his voice lowering to a whisper. "I don't know why. I don't want to but I do." He fled, slamming the bedroom and front door. Ran from his confusing emotions and twisting thoughts.

That night as he towel dried his hair, Allen looked into the mirror. He first noticed the red scar slicing vertically through his left eye, remembering the painful story behind it. A memento from before Mana found and adopted him. A reminder of what he was.

Something else caught his attention. As he stared at his reflection, he saw the emotions flitting through his own silver eyes. Confusion. Guilt. Sadness. Regret. Loneliness.

It hit him then, why he was drawn to Kanda. He first saw it the night he met the capricious man. When he tried to kiss Kanda and the older man pulled away. And just today when Kanda dropped his guard for a short time.

Their eyes. The same eyes. Dull and wearied. Longing for human companionship but afraid of getting hurt. The only difference was Allen hid his pain with fake smiles and false cheer while Kanda hid his with anger and aloofness.

Allen leaned forward, placing his hand on the reflective surface.

Silver. Blue. Color didn't matter. Their eyes were the same or at the least very similar.

"Are you like me? Are you tired, too?"

--

"Lavi, how do I join the Black Order?"

The redhead nearly dropped the insanely heavy book onto his foot in surprise. He spun around. "What?! Why do you want to join?"

Determination in his eyes, Allen refused to back down. "I figured out my reasons. I thought about this for a long time."

"I told you about it yesterday."

"And I think the pros outweigh the cons."

Lavi's shoulders drooped. "Care to tell me your reasons?"

The teen blinked. "Sorry, they're private."

"You sure about this, Allen. Once you join, there's no going back."

Allen nodded.

--

They stood in front of a plain white door marked "Principal."

Allen looked around. "Umm…"

"Here it is. Just go through here and talk to Komui. He makes the decisions. Good luck, Moyashi-chan."

"Wait, La…vi?…" Allen trailed off as the redhead ran as though something dangerous was chasing him.

The teen steeled himself and knocked. Hearing an affirmative, he opened the door and walked in preparing for the worst.

The sight that met him made Allen sweatdrop. A wall of white that turned out to be mountainous piles of paperwork.

A voice reached him from somewhere further in the room. "You can just go around the paper mountain. I'm planning on using all that to start a bonfire one day."

Another voice, more distant as though the person was on the other side of a door, scolded the owner of the first voice. "You better not, Komui. There wouldn't be such a huge pile if you did your work."

"Aww…but Reever, if I do my work, I will have to be away from my precious Lenalee."

Allen couldn't hear the response, but he was sure it wouldn't a pleasant one. He finally bypassed the small mountain and saw a dark haired man wearing a white beret. "Hello. I'm Allen Walker. I'm looking for Komui."

The man turned and smiled. "Ah! The one sent by Cross Marian. I was wondering when I would get to meet you. I'm Komui Lee. What can I do for you, Allen?"

"I would like to join your organization."

"Is that so? Alright, what do you know about the Black Order?"

The teen twitched a little. He wanted to join to find out the answer to that question. "…It's a university."

Komui waited for a moment. "And?"

Ignoring the sense of déjà vu, Allen responded with something similar to what he told Lavi the day before. "You're the Principal here?"

"…You don't know a thing, do you?"

Allen smiled. "Nope."

"Why do you want to join?"

"I have my reasons and I'd rather keep them private."

"You do realize that joining can put your life in danger, right? Are you sure about this?"

The smile never faltered. "I'm sure. I don't mind risking my life." 'I do every time I have to run from the debt collectors or accidentally forget to buy Cross's cigarettes.'

"I see. Well, then follow me." Komui stood and carelessly walking all over the paperwork, pulled a book on the bookcase behind the desk. The bookcase slid to the side revealing a secret passage. "We shouldn't talk about such things in a place where people can eavesdrop."

Allen followed without a word. The case slid back into place behind him. Small lights strung up on the wall lit the small passage. Allen lost count of the number of steps after ten minutes. "How far are we going down, Mr. Komui?"

"We're almost there."

True to his word, they reached another door. Komui unlocked it and led Allen to another office, also filled with unfinished paperwork. "Welcome to the Black Order. The Black Order University is the only entrance to the underground facilities we call Headquarters, although there are several ways to enter HQ on campus. What do you think?"

"It's impressive."

"It is, isn't it? Well, Allen, please sit. We may be in here for a little while. Since you don't know about the Black Order, let's start with the basics. What is the Black Order? It is one of two underground syndicates, specifically created to counteract the other syndicate that calls themselves the Noah family.

"The Noah family has a hand in anything and everything illegal in this city. From gangs to drugs to prostitution rings. Our informant hinted that their reach even extends to the political offices, although we do not know who is on their side.

"We of the Black Order act as the police force. We do have legal jurisdiction, but we do not exist on paper. We occasionally cooperate with the local law enforcement but try to keep to the background when the media gets involved. Most of the time though, our people will take down the illegal happenings that the public has no knowledge of. Any questions so far?"

Allen ran over the information in his mind. "Informant?"

Komui nodded. "For the past year, a member of the Noah family has been passing us information. It may be vague most of the time, but we'll take what we can get. It's usually turns out to be a newly formed gang or some form of competition that the Noah family doesn't like. They send us hints and clues, making us clean up the things they think are beneath them. The most valuable thing is the extra information being slipped to us without the entire family's knowledge. Information about big events and such that we would've never even known about. The informant has been passing it through one of our operatives. Any other questions?"

Allen shook his head, trying to piece together the clues.

"Good. In the Black Order, there is a hierarchy of sorts. There is someone or some people pulling the strings from above, funding us and basically allowing us to exist. Then there are the Generals. There were five in total, but General Yeegar retired a few months ago and General Cross is AWOL at the moment. We were surprised that Cross suddenly sent a recommendation for you to attend classes here. Back to the subject, the remaining three Generals are Froi Tiedoll, Klaud Nine, and Winters Zokalo. I am the Supervisor and my decisions have as much weight as the Generals. Typically, Generals scout the city looking for promising recruits, while I send the operatives out to complete 'missions.' Next in the hierarchy are the operatives. Specially trained in whatever field they wish. The operatives are jokingly called 'exorcists' and the name somehow stuck. I suppose in a way, they are cleansing the streets, making this city a safer place to live. Well, after the exorcists are the finders. They are sent out to search for possible problem areas. I know this is a lot of information to take in."

Allen shook his head. "Not really. Everything makes sense."

Komui fixed his glasses, the light glinting off the lens. "Alright. You say you wish to join the Black Order, but what would you like to do? Since General Cross sent you here, then the first assumption is that he wanted you to become an exorcist. But, it is your choice."

"What about the coats? The ones emblazoned with the Rose Cross."

"Ah, exorcists were those coats. The Generals wear something similar except lined with gold."

Allen considered his options for a moment. "I would like to become an exorcist then."

Komui frowned. "The exorcists are the ones in most danger."

"I'm fine with that."

The Chinese man sighed. "Very well, I need to get your measurements for your coat. As for the training, I'll have to find someone to train you."

The door was suddenly kicked open.

"Damn it, Komui. Where the fuck is my…Moyashi?!"

"Kanda?!"

"Oh, you two know each other?"

Allen looked away from Kanda. "Kind of."

Komui looked ecstatic. "Great! That settles it then."

The teen blinked. "Settles what?"

"Your trainer of course! Since you two already know each other and all."

Kanda snarled. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

The Chinese man grinned. "Kanda, you are going to train Allen here to become an exorcist. This is the new mission for you. Have fun, you two."

Komui stood and ran out the room. He had caught sight of his wonderful, amazing, darling little Lenalee walking by with coffee.

Allen and Kanda were left to stare at each other, one nervously chewing his lip and the other angrily grinding his teeth.

"What the fuck did you do, Moyashi?"

Allen didn't meet Kanda's eyes. He hadn't been expecting the older man to be here. He had no idea how to act, considering his little episode yesterday. "I wanted to become an exorcist."

"Why the hell would you want to do that?"

The teen hesitated. He couldn't tell Kanda the real reason. "Why do you care? You just have to train me."

Kanda fisted his hand. He really wanted to punch the stupid beansprout right about now. Instead of acting on his impulses, he turned and walked out. "Move it, Moyashi."

"What are we doing?"

"Training."

"Now?"

"What do you think, moron?"

"Jerk, my name's Allen. It's not that hard to remember."

"Che."

--

Well, now that some of the explanations are out of the way, I should mention now that there is no Innocence.

There should be more smut later on though.

I find angst to be very fun to write. Although it's not as angsty as I wanted it to be.