To the tune of the Bloodhound Gang's "The Bad Touch."

A Nessie/Jacob love ballad...

Haha. Well now, we call this mind-fuckery "imprinting."
But there are several other very important differences between imprinting and pedophilia that you should know about.

I'd appreciate your children.

Bitch, Bella, bitch, Bella, chose that stupid vamp
Well guess what? Now I'm gonna sic my pack on all the Cullen clan.
He knocked her up, now she's fucked up and she's gonna have a demon child,
Now she's dying, Eddie's crying, which is not usually his style.
I've had enough of Bella stuffing me around, been pushed and shoved,
Just because I wanted to do her once does not mean I'm in love.
So obviously, gonna break the treaty, gonna make all those freaky leeches dead,
But suddenly, Bella's placenta unleashes a tiny kid.

Holy crap.

You, baby, may be a dead hybrid vampire,
But I'm gonna do ya coz this book is written by Steph'nie Meyer

Do her now

You, baby, may be a dead hybrid vampire,
But I'm gonna do ya coz this book is written by Steph'nie Meyer.

Getting horny now.

Yes, I fell in love with this retarded infant,
I can't help it, please don't judge me, can't control on whom I imprint.
Pornographic? And pedophilic, wanna get down with my Nessie,
Dunno it I can wait till my little mate even reaches her puberty.
So if Eddies spies on my mind, poor guy, he'll find, I'm tapping his baby.
She turns me on, I'm Mister Jacob, up to a hundred a ten degrees.
So put your hand, down my shorts, and I'll bet you feel fur,
Yes I'm Fido, yes I'm pedo, and I like it right thurrr.

Doggy style!

I feel like a douche for imprinting on Renesmee,
It's like Steph'nie couldn't find someone who's actually my own age.

Feeling sexy now

What ever happened to the plotline for poor Leah?
Guess I dodged that bullet, I suspect that Leah's lesbia(n).

Leah's naked now

You and me, Nessie, ain't nothing but tigers
So let's do it a-as soon as you get out of diapers.

Doin' babies now

You and me, Nessie, are destined for romance.
So I don't care if you're like three I wanna get inside your pants.

Touching kiddies now

You and me, Nessie, are gonna bump uglies
But I think I should wait at least till you learn the ABC.

I'm so kinky now.

You and me, Nessie, are gonna have Sex-Ed.
So let's do it till we out-screw your parents and break a bed.

Kay, that's creepy now…