Hey ladies! So...I
liked the Golden Floor, or at least I liked the premise of the Golden
Floor but well, I've been struggling with it. I don't know why
but...there was issues with it and I didn't know what I was going to
do with it and then I was listening to some music and a completely
new fic popped into my head. So Golden Floor...well I'm not sure
what's going to happen but for now... This is my new
fic!! It's completely AU and I don't want to see more than
that because I kind of want you to see how it all plays out as it
So...I liked the Golden Floor, or at least I liked the premise of the Golden Floor but well, I've been struggling with it. I don't know why but...there was issues with it and I didn't know what I was going to do with it and then I was listening to some music and a completely new fic popped into my head. So Golden Floor...well I'm not sure what's going to happen but for now...
This is my new fic!!
It's completely AU and I don't want to see more than that because I kind of want you to see how it all plays out as it plays out....
He couldn't remember the last night he had fallen asleep without spending a good hour watching the shadows of the tree branches playing across his ceiling and thinking that he was grateful that they had found a brownstone with a tree out front so at least he had them to look at. Of course on odd nights, when it seemed to be darker than usual outside he usually just stared at the ceiling anyway, trying to remember what the shadows had looked like the night before so he could imagine they were there. There was something soothing about them being there, something that made falling asleep easier, even if it was still a remarkably long process.
Derek realized he had no reason to not be able to fall asleep faster. He was laying in an expensive top of the line bed. He still wasn't sure what made a bed top of the line but the salesman had said it at lot when they had bought it, and her eyes had lit up so he figured it was good. His mattress was apparently top of the line too. He wasn't sure what that meant either but he never had a sore back so he assumed whatever it had been had been worth the money he had paid for it. Even the sheets had been top of the line, so top of the line that he had quickly destroyed the receipt before his mother had stopped by the house because he was quite certain that he would have been hit quite hard if she had any idea how much he had spent. He still wasn't even sure what was so good about the sheets. They felt the same as any sheet he had ever owned and it wasn't like they actually helped him sleep.
The only thing that helped was the fingers of darkness playing along the ceiling
And for some reason it wasn't helping tonight. He had been laying awake for an hour and a half, his eyes wide open, completely alert. He was so awake he could probably stand up and perform a surgery right now, which probably wasn't a good thing, as he actually had to perform a surgery in a few hours.
It was nights like this that Derek wondered if everyone felt this way.
Derek Shepherd wanted to be happy. Or he was happy. He thought he was happy, at least as happy as anyone else was. He could remember being young and thinking that he'd be happier than this but he had been young and naïve and this was his life. It was a good life. A really good life and he had no reason to find himself unable to sleep at night. He was supposed to be happy. He had the job, he had the woman, he had a good group of friends, he even had a good family. He couldn't actually think of anything he wanted but didn't have which generally meant that he should be happy. He knew that.
And every night he watched the shadows on his ceiling instead of sleeping.
He moved quietly out of bed. Somehow over the months since he had asked her to move in he had perfected the art of quietly slipping out of the room and he was never found out. Or when he was he always managed to find a believable story, something about needing a glass of water or hearing something that always managed to pass as the truth. She never really questioned him when she found him downstairs, just shrugged and told him to come back to bed before disappearing back up the stairs. Some nights he followed, feeling obligated to follow through on the lie that had easily rolled off his tongue; on other nights he would just make some noise downstairs until he was certain she had fallen back asleep and he would stay where he was, camped out on the couch with the sports news on with the volume down or perched at his desk, pretending to do paperwork or reading the latest journal. Some nights all of that seemed easier than sleeping.
He moved slowly down the stairs, not bothering to turn on any lights as he went since he knew the path by heart anyway. Tonight he figured it was a television night. The surgery tomorrow was simple enough; he didn't feel like staring at the computer screen pretending to read up on it, so zoning out in front of the television seemed like a better option. Maybe, if he got really lucky, there'd be a movie on so he wouldn't have to think.
He fell onto the couch, wishing he hadn't agreed to it. He had agreed to the stiff couch when they were still looking for a place, before they had moved in, when he was still falling asleep easily at night. It had been months ago now, months ago his life had felt normal instead of like this. Months ago when he had agreed to the slightly uncomfortable couch he had been under the delusional belief that he would only use it for catching the occasional game when he wasn't too busy at the practice he shared with Mark. He thought he'd sit on it when they entertained, had those dinner parties she was so fond of. If he had known he'd spend nights watching whatever pick of the week movie was on or the sports news that repeated over and over again he probably would have picked something softer, something easier to cuddle into and get something close to comfortable.
Months ago when they had just been planning this house he had expected to be a lot happier than this.
He flicked on the television, turning a movie channel on quietly and smiling as some Disney characters filled the screen. He usually only watched this kind of thing with his nieces and nephews but it was mindless, and tonight mindless seemed like a good idea. If he watched something deep it could lead to deep thoughts about how he had gotten here and what he was going to do about it, because somehow he knew that this wasn't a way to live. This had been the life he had wanted and now…now he had no idea why he couldn't sleep at night.
"Derek, sweetheart, what are you doing?" a quiet voice came from behind him.
"Oh…" he breathed, turning around and smiling at the sight of his fiancee, her usually perfectly groomed hair in a tangle behind her hair, her pyjamas slightly rumpled from sleep. It was the only time she ever looked like anything close to a mess and for a second, the restlessness that had tightened his chest eased slightly. "Just couldn't sleep," he murmured, deciding to go with the truth for once.
"Again?" she frowned. "Maybe you should try the sleeping pills Daddy suggested."
"Hmmm…" he sighed, remembering the unfortunate night a few weeks ago when her parents had stayed at their place and her father hadn't missed the way he had paced the kitchen during the night. "I really don't want to take that route."
"But this is…it's not the first time, Derek."
"I know," Derek nodded, running his hand over his hair, suddenly realizing that lying and saying something about having come down to check the score would be easier than this conversation. "I know and I'm just…I have a surgery tomorrow early, it probably just has me on edge."
"Oh," she nodded. "I guess that makes sense. Is it something complicated?"
"Just clipping an aneurysm," he shrugged, feeling a little strange at the words and actions. There shouldn't be anything simple about clipping an aneurysm, someone's life was on the line and he knew that it was big. He just did them so often, they were so routine that it felt just as drab as everything else.
"That's easy, right?"
"For me, yeah," he sighed, rolling his shoulders slightly. "Just…he has kids so it's…I'm just tense about it."
"A sleeping pill could still work, Derek."
"And leave me drowsy in the morning for work," he pointed out. "I'm fine, hon. My brain's just being noisy tonight."
"Brain's aren't noisy."
"I know that."
"Okay," she breathed, pulling back slightly. "Okay, just, try to get some sleep at some point tonight, okay? Why are you watching a Disney movie?"
"Disney is good for brain numbing," he attempted a soft smile.
"Okay," she nodded. "Maybe you should get drinks with Mark sometimes soon or something…relax a bit."
"Good idea," he sighed, realizing that was always her answer to everything, even if she didn't actually like Mark all that much to begin with. "Go back to bed, hon. I'll be up soon."
"Okay," she smiled slightly. "Love you."
"Love you too," he sighed, watching her retreating back before turning back to the television, frowning at the screen.
He loved her. He knew he loved her. He had loved her since they had witnessed the same car accident. He had pulled over because as a doctor he had to. She had pulled over because she had seen what happened. They had started talking, and he had been sure that he had loved her since that first encounter. It had been a strange first meeting, he had been covered in a stranger's blood and she had been frazzled but he had asked her out anyway and now here he was, hiding on his couch because the shadows playing on the ceiling weren't enough to lull him to sleep.
She was probably right; he just needed to get out with Mark or something. The feeling of restlessness had gotten worst over the last few weeks, sleep had become even harder to find but he had been busy with work and he had had a fight with his mom a couple of weeks before. He just needed to get out and get his head back in the game or something. He needed to relax. Him and Mark could go fishing for a weekend or something and when he got back this would be better.
He just needed to get his head back on straight.
He was happy. He just had thought that happiness would be different than this, better than this. But it wasn't and he was happy.
He loved his job. He loved his friends. He loved his family. He loved his fiancée. He loved his life and it was a good life, it was a really good life. It was probably far better than anyone had expected of him considering how it had started out. He had gotten his dreams, he had become the man he had planned on being. He had no complaints.
His gaze moved from the television to out the window, wishing that the stars he had grown up looking at would show up tonight but there were far too many lights in his neighbourhood to get a proper view of them. But that was fine, he was an adult now, he didn't have to sit and stare at the stars and think about what his life could one day be like. He was living the life, he was living his dreams and this was what life was supposed to be.
He didn't have a reason to miss the stars, besides he had his shadows.
Derek Shepherd was happy.
Sad boy, you stare
up at the sky
When no one's looking back at you.
You wear your every last disguise;
You're flying, then you fall through.
So I know I usually say things but I don't want to give things away so that's just...that's where Derek's head his. I may update tomorrow, I'm not sure how long it will take me to write these updates so we'll see but I'll try to get something up. Read. Love. Review.