Title: "Visions of Sugar Plums"
To: Xena (xenaclone)
From: Green Owl (greenowl)
Rating: NC-17 (for graphic descriptions of oral proficiency)
Word Count: 3,864
Summary: Jayne discovers the true meaning of Christmas: it is in giving that you receive. Written for Serenity Santa 2008.

Prompt: "Jayne centric. Fic can be up to R/NC17 [please!]. Het please. Can be Jaylee. I'd rather have Jayne/OFC. Can be crossover [as cracktastic as you like as long as you convince me it could happen!]. Jayne plays Santa?"

Disclaimer: I do not buy/sell/process this mindcrack, I just abuse the hell out of it.

"Oh, Jayne, you shouldn't have!" Kaylee exclaimed as she finished unwrapping her present.

"Ya like it?" Jayne asked, his words slurred from more than his share of the eggnog.

He was worried that Kaylee would be disappointed, seein' as it were the same thing he'd given Zoe, 'Nara and that Core-bred pygmy nutcase that Mal seemed to favor for no 'pparent reason.

"Ohhh, yes," she replied as she measured the stiff length with a slow slide of her palm. "It's perfect."

"Shiny," he said with a satisfied smirk as he watched her caress it with her greedy eyes.

"You really outdid yourself, Jayne," Zoe observed as she wrapped her fist around hers and licked her lips in anticipation. "This is so big I almost can't get a proper hold on it."

"Thanks for one-upping me, Cobb," Wash griped. "All I'm gonna hear for the next week is my wife sucking on your present while mine goes unnoticed and unused."

"Ain't my fault if'n y'ain't got what a woman really wants, little man," Jayne retorted, preening under the admiring gaze of the ladies.

"I didn't get you anything," River said as she examined the massive, baton-shaped item.

Jayne shrugged. "So git me somethin' later. No big deal."

"En!" River replied as she clutched her present to her chest. "We have a qì yuē!"

"Líng guāng," Jayne replied, adjusting the rakish tilt of his newest hat – a red velveteen conical cap trimmed with faux white fur – as he caught the Shepherd giving him a silent thumbs-up.

Jayne had been the last to give out presents this evening and he'd done quite well if he did say so himself. But he'd had a little help.

Menfolk were easy to shop for. Mal got some new suspenders, Wash got a new little plastic lizard for his console, the prissy little doc got some rubbers (best be prepared when Kaylee finally got tired of waitin' an' pounced), and the Shepherd, well, he bein' special an' all, he got himself a nice set of fluffy bunny slippers to wear when he did his nightly prayin'.

But as for the females, well now that was a plumb thorny state of affairs.

Jayne literally had not one ruttin' clue what to get for any of them.

While Zoe'd probably welcome the ammunition he'd bought her for her mare's leg, Jayne wanted to see if he could go one better than her pretty pink-skinned shrimp of a husband this year. It was a long shot, but if anything ever went wrong with little man's equipment, perhaps Zoe'd remember Jayne's present and work off her tension on him.

Kaylee, hell, she'd be happy if she got anything. The pack of batteries he'd already gotten her last year for her pleasure toys had been more than welcome, but he wanted to do something a little nicer for her. No telling if Doc Tam would ever get around to giving her a tumble and Jayne was more than ready to scoop her up when the fancible hundan put his foot in it for the last time.

Inara was a real fancy Core whore and he probably couldn't afford to get her a glove, much less a pair o' them, but Jayne desperately wanted to impress her – there was always the slight chance she'd get horny or desperate or both and invite him into to her shuttle for a reduced-price thrust.

As for the little crazy girl – well, she was gonna hafta grow up someday and who knows what might happen if the stars aligned, hell froze over and alcohol were involved? 'Sides, she would probably kill him with her brain if he didn't get her something, and Jayne wasn't taking any chances.

So at the beginning of the season, he'd approached the one person he felt he could counsel him: Shepherd Book.

Bless his cotton socks, that preacher had given him the most helpful suggestion Jayne had yet to receive from a man of the cloth.

You can't go wrong with something sweet.

Jayne smirked as he chugged another mug of eggnog and congratulated himself on managing for the first time in his life to get something very, very right.

Kaylee was holding her present under her nose, taking her sweet time in inhaling the delicious scent through the wrapper.

River was rolling hers back and forth on the table with childlike glee as she hummed an ancient carol under her breath and grinned at him.

Inara, usually so refined and controlled, had already ripped the packaging off and started to delicately lick her way around the tip.

But it was Zoe who was attracting the lion's share of attention: she'd completely stripped the covering off of her present and was attempting to stuff as much of it as she could into her mouth.

"More eggnog, Doc?" Wash asked, never taking his eyes off of his wife as he handed Simon the earthen jug.

"Mmmm," Kaylee purred as she slid the wrapper down and gave her present an extended, exaggerated lick.

"No," Simon replied as he rose to his feet and coughed into his fist. "'I've, um, had a little too much already…I think I'll retire."

"Good, more fer me," Jayne proclaimed, grabbing the jug and downing the last of the eggnog in three huge gulps.

"I'll, um, I'll help you down, Simon," Book said, looking a bit disturbed by the sight of the first mate slurping on six inches of the huge, hard, sticky shaft. "I need to…go pray."

"'Night, Doc, Shepherd," Mal muttered, his eyes mimicking Inara's mouth as she opened wider to get more of her gift between her lips.

A soft beeping sound interrupted the show and Mal scowled as he blindly waved his hand in the direction of the cockpit. "Wash. Go. Fly ship. You turn."

"Uh-uh," Wash countered, his eyes glued to his wife's cheeks as they hollowed rhythmically in time with her swallowing. "Already flew for twelve hours today."

"I'm the captain," Mal pointed out in a choked tone as Inara wiped a bit of saliva from her chin.

"Your point?" Wash pressed, his Adam's apple bobbing as Zoe's eyelashes came to rest on her cheeks and she let out a soft moan.

"Being captain means I get to go to bed first," Mal enlightened him.

"No, it doesn't," Wash protested. "It means you get to stay and watch."

"Watch what?" Kaylee asked, her eyes popping open as her enormous candy cane popped out of her mouth.

"Uh, nothin'," Mal replied quickly, biting his lips as Inara licked hers.

"Gor-ram," Zoe sighed as she slowly slid the candy from her mouth, opened her eyes and grinned at Jayne, "that is some choice confection you got your hands on, Cobb!"

"Not bad fer a merc, eh?" Jayne asked before he hiccupped and lolled back in his chair, his eyes attempting to reconcile the double fantasy of each of the ladies sucking on their treats. "We got anymore eggnog?"

"In the keeper…" Mal answered, gesturing vaguely as his eyes got even wider at the sight of Inara coming up for air before she got back down to business. "Wash…get it."

Zoe arched an eyebrow as she locked eyes with her husband and smiled lasciviously. "Why him?"

"He's flying. I'm staying," Mal told her as he wiped his chin with the back of his hand and groped for his mug of eggnog.

It was in front of Jayne and it was empty.

"Captain, I'm taking a personal day," Zoe hastily notified her superior office as she stood up and placed the oversized candy cane in her mouth like it was a huge cigar. "And I'll be needin' my husband."

"We'll be in our bunk," Wash announced to the galley as his wife grabbed him by the front of his flight suit and dragged him down the corridor to their quarters.

"You're both fired," Mal shouted at the Washburnes as he made his way to the cockpit.

"No we're not," they called back before slamming the hatch shut.

"Ohh, Jayne, you are the best!" Kaylee told him before shoving his present back into her mouth and reapplying suction.

"Glad ya like it," Jayne slurred before the eggnog finally caught up with him and he keeled over.

River tried to gently shake him awake, but he just lay there, sprawled in the chair in a heap of insensate muscle and eggnog-stained beard.

"So, Inara," Kaylee began a moment later, listing a little to starboard as she removed her candy cane from her mouth (she'd had quite a bit of the eggnog, too), "this remind ya o' anything?"

"Oh, yeah…' Inara replied, her Sihnon accent broadening as she grinned loopily at her stick. "Although this is on the larger end of the spectrum."

"What spectrum?" River asked curiously as she peeled delicate strips of plastic from the massive candy cane. "Do men measure themselves with confections?"

"They all like to think their man parts are huge, but we know better, don't we?" Kaylee replied, glancing at their merc who was drooling on his bright yellow t-shirt.

"Shhh! She's too young," Inara admonished dramatically. She'd had more than her fair share of the eggnog – Kaylee had requested that she join her in taste-testing the brew before serving it.

"For what?" River asked, examining the unwrapped stick and glancing at Jayne. "Eighteen pallid solar years completed seven days ago."

"Really? Ya just turned the big one-eight?" Kaylee asked. "Y'ain't puttin' us on?"

"The term is 'barely legal' according to Jayne's literature," River ventured as she examined the sinusoid scarlet and emerald stripes running up the length of the candy's side.

"Why ya lookin' at Jayne's girlie mags, River?" Kaylee asked.

"Need information," River replied. "Achieved physical sexual maturity six years ago, legal sexual maturity one week ago, but the mind has yet to catch up with the body politic."

Inara arched an eyebrow. "Oh, well in that case – has anyone ever told you 'bout the difference between men and women?"

River contemplated Jayne's insensible carcass for a moment before answering. "The males are differentiated from the females with regards to hair, muscle mass, breast, and genitals. They produce small, mobile gametes call spermatozoa – "

"Which come out of somethin' that looks like this," Kaylee added, holding up her candy cane. "'Cept I ain't never seen one 'ttached to a boy that were this big."

"I have," Inara announced as River examined the ends of her candy for orifices.

"Really?" Kaylee giggled.

"Mm-hmm," Inara mumbled. She held up her hands to indicate length, and then circled her index finger and thumb to indicate girth.

"Whoa," Kaylee breathed. "That's bigger than my biggest an' he was big – ya know, with the pulsin' vein-y things an' all."

River's removed the candy out from her mouth and attempted to compare it to Inara's measurements.

The candy was smaller.

"Did ya, ya know, 'do it' with him?" Kaylee pressed, all agog that Inara was finally revealing some of the more intimate details of her job.

Inara nodded, closing her eyes and shuddering at the memory. "Difficult for him to find pleasurable company – lot of women ran screaming, poor man. He was really quite gentle and tender. One of my pleasanter memories of Highgate."

Kaylee scooched closer. "How…how'd ya make it fit?"

"Lube," Inara replied succinctly. "Lots of it. And I still felt like I'd been punched in the ovaries afterwards."

River set the candy cane down on table and slammed her legs together.

"Oh, don't worry, honey," Inara soothed. "He was an outlier. Most men are between five and six and a half inches, no matter – hic! – no matter what they attempt to claim otherwise."

"Oh." River carefully picked up her candy and gave it another hesitant lick.

"Did ya do the mouth-sexin' thing with him, too?" Kaylee asked, her prying mechanism fully engaged.

Inara nodded.

"Jīng yà," Kaylee exclaimed. "How'd ya git somethin' that big into your mouth?"

"Simple," Inara responded before opening her jaw and sliding her Christmas present down into her throat.

"Āi yā!" Kaylee murmured with wonder and awe. "Teach me!"

"Me, too!" River piped up.

Kaylee and Inara shot her a slightly disturbed and inebriated look.

"Theory without practical application is hollow," River explained patiently. "And knowing how to ingest the largest possible size will make it that much easier to work with the middling specimens, no?"

"Well…all right," Inara consented, her natural teaching instincts and her level of intoxication overriding her common sense. "First of all, try to relax. Men love oral sex and the more comfortable you are with it, the more likely you are to keep your man happy."

'Why does the female want to keep the male happy?" River asked. "Is there not a quid pro quo to human relationships?"

"Of course," Kaylee agreed. "But a man-lovin' girl who with a bottomless throat is the kind o' girl a girl-lovin' man ain't likely to stray from."

"Oh." River tilted her head to one side. "So we want to…'keep' a man? Like one keeps a pet?"

"Sort of," Kaylee replied. "'Cept they eat a lot more an' hog the bed if'n ya don't train 'em right."

"All right, ladies, pay attention," Inara declared. "Before we begin, you must know that most men consider their…um, 'flute – "

"Flute?!" Kaylee hooted. "Is that what you call it?"

"Yes…it's a – a Companion's term. What do you call it?" Inara demanded.

"I usually don't – my mouth's busy with more important things." Kaylee thought for a moment. "Um, usually it's just a 'jī bā'."

"What about 'rooster?," River suggested, glancing at Jayne, who was still all sprawled out in his chair.

Inara and Kaylee peered at her. "Huh?"

"That's what they call it in some of the mating publications," River explained. "The girl is always telling the boy what a magnificent rooster he has."

"I think that's a diff'rent word they're usin', sweetie," Kaylee said, patting River's hand.

"Like 'tusk'?" Inara offered sarcastically.

"Or 'zipper lizard'?" Kaylee volleyed, getting into the spirit of the moment.

"'Tallywhacker'?" Inara returned.

"'Love wand'?"

"'Joy stick'?"

"'One-eyed yogurt-slingin' trouser snake'!" Kaylee crowed, holding her candy cane aloft in triumph. "Enough of this – back to the lesson."

"You should make sure when you first see it that you are properly appreciative," Inara began. She composed her face, and then pretended like she was opening a man's pants. Her eyes and mouth rounded and she looked up at the "owner". "Ohhh, it's so big – !"

"That's so they feel comfortable – " Kaylee interjected.

"Most men are insecure about their size," Inara explained matter-of-factly. "It makes them feel better if you tell them their organ is large."

"Even if it's in the middle of the continuum?" River asked.

"Yes," Inara nodded.

"And especially if'n it's on the lower end," Kaylee advised, leaning her head forward and gesticulating with her candy cane. "A man's ego is very, very fragile."

River nodded before she made her attempt.

She imitated Inara beautifully, right down to the exact pitch of her voice.

"Don't know about you, Kaylee, but I'm impressed," Inara declared. "Now, regarding practical issues…"

"Cleanliness is key," Kaylee counseled. "Some girls like the tang of manflesh musk, but it's always good to go at it if he's first had a freshwash."

Inara nodded. "If in doubt, swallow some oral venereal blocker before you dive in – kills anything that he might transmit to you if he's communicable. I have some in my shuttle if you ever need it."

Kaylee pointed to her nose. "When you are slurpin' on him, 'member to breathe through yer nostrils, not yer mouth."

River pursed her lips. "But I thought it was called a 'blow job'…?"

"Misnomer," Inara replied. "You're actually sucking, not blowing. Very important to remember that the object of the activity is not to do it too hard or too fast, unless that's what he wants."

"Sometimes a man wants a sprint, sometimes he wants a marathon," Kaylee said, expanding on Inara's point. "More often than not, mouth-sexin' ain't the end o' things – he may want it as a warm-up before the hardcore sexin' starts. An' if'n yer real nice to him, he'll be real nice to you."

"One of the things that makes the act good for a man is what is commonly referred to as 'doe eyes'," Inara continued.

River and Kaylee watched as she rolled her eyes up to the top of their orbitals and fluttering her lashes as she moved the candy cane in and out of her mouth nice and slow.

"Oh, they love that! Makes 'em feel all big an' powerful," Kaylee concurred. "And if you can hum a little, it makes it even better."

River looked at her doubtfully. "Any specific tune?"

"Naw, silly," Kaylee replied, slapping River's hand gently. "Nothin' fancy, just a little vibration in the back o' the throat and his eyes'll roll up and he'll turn into a mindless, stuttering moonbrain."

They all started a little as a soft, rumbling sound filled the quiet of the room, but it was just Jayne, snoring away as he slipped deeper into sleep.

"He needs a blanket," Kaylee decided, and she went to fetch one from under one of the chairs.

"How does one go about deep-throating?" River asked quietly.

"That's a little higher on the difficulty scale, but it can be done," Inara responded. "You must relax your jaw and open your throat – "

"Don't forget to cup the balls!" Kaylee chimed in as she tucked the blanket in around Jayne.

"It looks a little something like this," Inara announced before she proceeded to demonstrate.

"Zhēn niú…" Kaylee whispered as Inara slid more than half of the candy cane into her throat. "I'm gonna try!"

She sat down, grabbed her candy cane and managed to get a little less than four inches of it into her mouth before her eyes started to water and she began to cough.

"Good attempt," Inara commiserated. "Have to be careful, though. If you aren't used to it, it can be a little daunting." She then turned to River. "Go ahead, sweetheart. Your turn."

River glanced at Jayne and bit her lip.

"Oh, don't worry 'bout him," Kaylee said, slapping a hand on on of Jayne's lax, musclebound legs. "Right now he's dead to the world. Prob'ly wake up sometime tomorrow, still drunk."

"Just go for it, honey," Inara encouraged. "We're all girls here."

River squared her shoulders. "Okay…"

She tilted her head back a little, closed her eyes, let her jaw hang open a little and started inserting the candy cane.

"Now cushion your teeth with your tongue," Inara instructed softly. "Good, good…nice and gentle, just like that. Very good, River."

"Now bring your hand up an' stroke his 'sugar-plums'," Kaylee said in a loud whisper. "Guys love that!"

River peeked open an eye to check with Inara.

"It's true," Inara confirmed, showing her a slow, rolling motion with her fingertips. "They're also the most sensitive part of a man's body, so remember to be gentle when dealing with them."

River continued, concentrating on her breathing and on keeping her muscles relaxed as she added the motion.

"Excellent," Inara encouraged. "Sweetheart, you should have considered becoming a Companion – you have excellent uvular control."

"Wait! Ya hafta tell her how to keep a man from shoving it in!" Kaylee prodded Inara.

River's eyes snapped open again and she froze.

"Shhh, it's very – hic! – very simply," Inara said. "You just place your other hand on his pelvis, above his, um, instrument – "

" – Tweet-tweet! – " Kaylee chirped before returning to her candy cane.

" – And press gently," Inara continued. "Do not let him put his hands in your hair unless you trust him, or he might get overexcited and endeavor to irrumate you."

Kaylee's brow furrowed. "Irrumuh-what?"

"Skull-fuck her," Inara said bluntly before turning back to her pupil.

"Oh." Kaylee shook her head. "Don't know 'bout y'all, but I always bite down a wee bit if'n the boy's getting' too frisky."

"So long as she follows my instructions, I don't think River's going to need to do that, will you, dear?" Inara asked.

River, mouth and both hands occupied with candy cane and imaginary "sugar-plums", shook her head.

"Pretty good technique there, River," Kaylee remarked, impressed with her multitasking.

"I agree," Inara said. "Now, let us all practice…ready, ladies?"

"Ready!" Kaylee and River replied, candy canes in hand.

"The most important thing is to enjoy yourself, because if you enjoy it, he'll enjoy it and if he enjoys it, then you can do anything you want to him," Inara reminded them. "Now, a-one, and a-two, and a-three–!"

For the next few minutes, there was little noise in the lounge of the galley except the muted snoring of the ship's mercenary and the gluttonous, saliva-drenched slurping sounds emanating from the mouths of the unattached females aboard Serenity as they trained themselves in the fine art of deep-throating.

Kaylee was the first to drop out, her gag reflex kicking in after only a couple of minutes, leaving Inara and River to continue. Inara had more practice, but River's mouth was evidently made for such activities because she showed absolutely no signs of fatigue.

Eventually, Inara yielded the victory to River, mainly because her jaw was begin to ache from swallowing.

"We'll make a champion flute-player out of you yet, Miss River Tam," Inara said as she proudly watched her latest continue on at a steady, stroking pace.

River removed the now-white candy cane from her mouth and carefully sucked it clean. "Mmmm…a most excellent medium for instruction."

"And to think we had good ol' Jayne to thank for it," Kaylee said, leaning over to drunkenly kiss him on his forehead. "Almost as good as them apples he bought way back. An' now I'm for bed-fordshire."

"Me, too," Inara announced.

River assisted the both of them with gathering up their presents and carrying them to their quarters.

Before she closed the door, Inara took a moment to brush a lock of hair from River's face. "You are going to make some poor man very, very happy one day, gū niang."

"Truly?" the girl asked, her eyes shining.

"Truly," Inara confided, her voice low and slurred. "Now you go to bed or Santa won't come tonight with your other presents."

River hummed as she made her way back to the galley and retrieved up her candy cane. "She sees you when you're sleeping…"

Jayne was still there, sprawled out on the chair.

River bent down and used the edge of his blanket to wipe the drool at the corner of his mouth. "She knows when you're awake…"

Jayne popped open an eye. "How?"

River held up her candy cane and grinned at him. "She knows if you've been bad or good…"

He looked her up and down and shook his head.

"Y'ain't quite right, girl," he notified her before he stood up, gave her a lecherous grin and two thumbs-up. "But I sure like yer gift-givin' style. Now if'n you'll 'cuse me, I'll be in my bunk."

River chuckled as she watched him stagger down the hall. "And when you masturbate…"

"en!" – "Good!"

"qì yuē" – an agreement or compact

"líng guāng" – "jolly good" (slang)

"hundan" - bastard

"āi yā!" – "whoa!"

"jī bā" – "penis" (slang)

"zhēn niú" – "awesome!"

"gū niang" – "young lady"