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I've never been much interested in the notion of kissing.
When I was fourteen, occupied with obtaining my first PhD, my advisor introduced me to the hypothesis of it being good, and I accepted her will to experiment. Needless to say that disproved the hypothesis, and I didn't think it needed further testing. I had more important things to concern with, such as changing the view of physics in the universe.
If one thinks about it carefully, kissing is either a learned social behavior, which, much like other social conventions, is utterly unnecessary, or it is instinctive, a step before intercourse. Either way, none of those reasons would be good enough to convince me to, as the colloquial saying goes, "give it a shot".
Not to mention the fact that it is estimated that hundreds or even millions of bacterial colonies move from one mouth to another during a kiss. Kissing can even spread diseases like meningitis, herpes and mononucleosis.
However, lately I started to experience those rather uncomfortable sensations. It started on Wednesday night, which was, as always, Halo night. Leonard, in discordance to most of anyone's expectations, had a date, so we invited Penny to play. Wolowitz and Koothrappali were settled on playing together, so I was stuck with our neighbor. Nothing would have happened if we weren't both so good at Halo. When we won the first round, the losing team went to the kitchen to get colas, and we were left on the couch to celebrate, which she insisted we did by "high-fiving". And then, for some reason I cannot estipulate, her hand landed on my leg. I jumped in shock and she removed it very quickly, but when I turned to give her a mean glare, she was just smiling, playfully. I noticed then that she had a beautiful smile. Not just the western notion of beauty. It was a perfect combination of muscle molecules bending and sliding through each other, forming a unique, dynamic presentation of happiness.
I opened my mouth to inquire why she had begun to smile that way, but before my lips could form the words I noticed iher/I lips. She was running her tongue between them. I felt as if there were significantly less oxygen in the air, which was ridiculous, because nothing had occurred in the past seconds to compromise the integrity of the apartment's atmosphere. But I felt as though I needed to take a very deep breath if I intended to inhale what was necessary for my organism's survival.
I judged that my lungs' sudden difficulty in capturing oxygen was related to the increasing rapidity in which my heart had begun to beat. That was when I thought the weirdest, and without a doubt most pathetic thought I've ever had. What would be like if Penny's lips were touching mine? Would they feel uncomfortable and overly moisturized? Would it be like my experiment, nearly twenty years ago? Her lips too asperous, her movements too abrupt? An idea occurred to me, that perhaps, for once at least, I was wrong. That, in fact, a scientifical theory should not be based upon solely one experiment. I've heard Leonard and some other men Penny hung around with mention casually that she was a good kisser. Since I was operating under the assumption that no kissing was good, I hadn't considered that.
I only realized I was leaning towards her when my friends returned to continue the game, which they would lose again. Twice.
After that day I began to obsess about the incident. Whenever I had a new idea for an experiment, or when I formulated a hypothesis, I would spend most of my time thinking about the best way to proceed and accomplish it. I had to know if kissing Penny would be enjoyable. It was a matter of uncovering a biological mystery. If kissing was really a nice experience or if people merely assumed it was, due to their hormonal reaction, programmed by evolution to cause enjoyment of pre-coital situations. Since unlike most people, I was aware of that fact, I would be able to analyze the matter rationally.
The main issue was actually conducting said experiment. We weren't alone in the same room very often, and when we were, she usually had a way of making me feel much too uncomfortable to try anything. I considering forgetting the whole thing, but that would be giving up, and I never give up. I decided I needed to just take action. Make the first move, as society expects the male of the species to do. It was Saturday night. Leonard went to sleep and I avoided saying anything to him, as to not compromise the secrecy the event needed to take place. Then, I sneaked into the hallway and knocked three times on Penny's door. After a while she came to answer, in her pajamas, looking sleepy and confused. She asked me what I was doing there, and I thought she sounded a bit annoyed.
"I wish your help conducting an experiment."
"Now?" She definitely sounded annoyed.
"Yes, now is the only good time." I believe I sounded very professional and serious. "It won't take long."
"Alright, what do I have to do?"
I wasn't sure how to answer that. I didn't know if I should reveal my intentions or surprise her. I opted for the second, due to not wanting to deal with the possibility of rejection. I told her to simply not move.
Not sure where to put my hands, I posed my fingers at her hips, not wanting to touch her too much for this. The experiment had other purposes, after all. Her blouse was slightly short and I could feel her skin at my fingertips. It was much too warm. Penny looked up at me, her eyebrows meeting at the center of her forehead. I hesitated for a moment, but proceeded to lean forward, until my face was close enough to hers for me to sense the air she exhaling on my chin. She opened her mouth to speak, but I placed my lips onto hers before she could. I hadn't planned much for after that, so I just stood there, brushing the skin of her hips slightly, my mouth pressing hers.
Much to my absolute shock, she moved her hands to my neck and pulled it, rather harshly, if I may add, and pressed her mouth against mine. Her lips did not feel uncomfortable at all. They were, like her skin, very warm, and a bit humid, but it was more like sipping water than diving in a pool. She began performing weird lip movements, such as, opening hers slightly and embracing mine. I experienced a rather uncomfortable moment where I couldn't really process my thoughts correctly. Or coordinate them with my movements. Before I could take notice of it, my hands were fully opened on her back, rubbing it nervously, and I took a step forward, as she did the same holding on to my neck, as if she were afraid of falling down. Even though it was a ridiculous notion, at the moment it seemed possible – that's how dysfunctional my logic became. Therefore, I pulled her closer and my abdomen was pressed onto hers. Then I noticed my own mouth opening against my will.
Penny's tongue slid into my mouth, causing me to have an involuntary muscle spasm, popularly know as a "shiver". I had no idea how to proceed, and as I mentioned, even if I did it wouldn't have been much use. I chose to follow her motions exactly. Firstly her tongue seemed to slowly massage mine, so I copied that movement. Her hands were wandering behind my scalp; she appeared to be determined to grasp every bit of hair on my head. My hands were occupied with her back. I realized the warmness was no longer bothering me. In fact, I longed for it. I had another shock when she started to suck my tongue into her mouth. I felt my forehead grow creases it had never grown before. Gasping for breath, I pulled her away carefully, turning my face away first and slowly proceeding to abandon the place on her back my hands had grown to like, despite my wishes.
"So…" she said, I noted that she was having breathing difficulties as well. "That was your experiment?"
I couldn't dare to look at her, so I gazed at an unspecific point in her door frame.
"And, hum…What were the results?" I pondered on that. Well, that was the whole point, wasn't it? And yet, I couldn't possibly answer. It had felt good. Too good. But was I really able to specify why? I decided I had insufficient data to proceed.
"Inconclusive." I said, and walked back to my apartment as quickly as possible.