Disclaimer: Left 4 Dead isn't mine. I am not that intelligent by any means.
A/N: Okay, so I love fairy tales. And I was thinking about stuff and I wrote this. There isn't much of a story behind it. Hopefully it will not fail. The parts in italics are usually gonna be the fairy tale parts.
The nighttime in Riverside remained silent around five AM, aside from a few chirping zombie-birds whose sole existence depended on annoying the crap out of them. The people who ran through the night had passed out from exhaustion, and anything undead had settled down for a short break in the action. Common infected littered the streets, and the Special infected took up their own small residences. Smokers snoozed on the roofs with their arms or legs dangling off the edges of the buildings. Hunters tended to nap in the trees or on street lamps (don't ask how). Boomers played it safe by sleeping a few feet away from Witches, who simply fell asleep wherever they'd been while awake. (Witches made great alarm clocks, either through screaming or crying.) And the Tanks would usually lay down, cover themselves up with a warm and cozy car or truck, and sleep 'till they were needed.
The Survivors had all hunkered down in their safe room, ready for a well-deserved rest. They'd snuggled down into the sleeping bags that had been left there by previous humans, and gone to sleep. Louis drooled on his pillow, while Bill muttered incoherently. Francis snored like a lawnmower. (It had been annoying to no end for the first few days, but everyone had learned to get used to it.)
Zoey, however, was still wide awake. She stared blankly at the wall in front of her, then narrowed her eyes to glare at it. Outside, birds chirped and broke the silence, but everything else was sleeping. Everything else was already resting and getting ready for a dark and dreary evening. So...
"WHY CAN'T I SLEEP?" she suddenly screamed, waking up her teammates and causing a Hunter outside their door to fall out of his tree.
"Wha-? What's wrong?" Bill asked, sleepily wiping his eyes and staring at her in confusion. Louis sat up as well, and even Francis stopped his snoring to glare at Zoey for bothering them all.
The lone female simply shook her head and sighed. "I can't sleep!" she whined, dropping her head. "I've counted sheep, rabbits, politicians, and even Hunters! None of them worked!"
"Wouldn't counting Hunters make it harder to sleep?" Bill wondered. "With the screaming and all?"
Zoey paused, thinking back on it. "...Yeah, that probably didn't help much. Maybe I'll count normal zombies next time. They're the least noisy."
"Alright, enough of that," Louis declared with a sigh. "I want to go back to sleep." He glanced over to Zoey with a concerned look. "Is there anything we can–"
"Oh no!" Francis interrupted sternly, redirecting his glare to Louis. "You should NEVER ask a woman if there is anything you can do to help. They are demons deep down and will ask for the most idiotic and senseless thing possible. And then they expect you to give it to them with no reward!"
"Is there anything we can do to help?" Louis continued, as though he hadn't even heard Francis. Before the Biker could even grumble about people not listening to him, Louis added a specification. "Anything that specifically involves Francis?"
"Weeeeelllllll..." Zoey said, taking her sweet time letting the word roll off her tongue. Francis seethed silently while she pondered this. "My mom always used to read me bedtime stories when I was a kid. Fairy tales like Cinderella and Snow White and all."
"Oh, so you want a little nighttime story?" Francis sneered. Zoey nodded with an excited grin. "And why do I have to tell the story?"
"I'm not a good storyteller," Louis said.
"War tales aren't very good bedtime stories," Bill pointed out. He put on a devious grin, which then spread to Louis.
"Tell a story, Francis!" Zoey cheered, pulling her sleeping bag up to her shoulders like a small child. Her eyes practically glowed with anticipation, and she leaned forward to listen.
Rolling his eyes, Francis decided to be lazy and simply get it over with. "Once upon a time there was a girl and she found a prince and got married and lived happily ever after. The end. Go to bed."
"That story sucks!" Zoey screeched, knocking yet another innocent Hunter out of his sleeping spot. "Make up a better one! I've heard Cinderella and Snow White and all those other ones too much."
Francis rolled his eyes once more, and glared at her. But then he was struck with an idea that wasn't actually half-bad. He could make up a fairy tale...And it would be the best story ever.
"Alright then," he said, clapping to grab his teammates' attention even more. "Once upon a time...
There was a princess–"
"Just a princess?" Zoey piped up. "Not a beautiful princess? What's she look like? What's her name?"
"SHUT UP AND LET ME TALK!" Francis yelled, the sudden noise knocking a Smoker off of his roof and onto one of the fallen Hunters. Zoey went silent and allowed Francis to explain.
"She was an average looking princess that only some of the kingdom liked," he continued with a smirk. Zoey raised a brow, starting to see where he was going. With a wave of her hand, she motioned for him to continue. "Her name was Princess Zoey."
"Oh please!" Zoey exclaimed with a pouting face. "That's so childish!"
"Do you want to hear the story or not?" Francis growled. Zoey glanced at the wall for a moment to think about it, then nodded her head. "Then shut up and let me tell the damn story."
The room went silent, and Francis continued to tell his story. "Once upon a time..."
"Once upon a time there was an average-looking princess that only some of the kingdom liked named Princess Zoey. Princess Zoey was a nice princess, but she had an annoying voice and a tendency to nag and whine about everything.
She was so annoying, that the witch that lived in the castle in the forest next door locked her up in the top room in the highest tower."
"Who's the witch?" Zoey interrupted. Francis would have yelled back, but her question wasn't half bad.
"Uhhh..." the biker glanced around, trying to think. Who was their greatest enemy? "The Tank, I guess."
"That's stupid," Bill complained. "Why should the Tank be the witch when there's a zombie actually called a Witch?"
"Alright, alright!" Francis conceded. "The Witch is the witch, and the Tank is her trusty fire-breathing dragon. Happy?"
Everyone else nodded with a smile, and let Francis go back to the story.
"So the evil Witch locked up Princess Zoey, and set her dragon, Tank, as the guard. Then she had her companions guard her castle from any intruders. The rogue by the name of Hunter kept watch by the door, while the wizard Smoker stood in the far tower and kept watch. Meanwhile, the Witch returned to her corners to sob about how unlikeable she was.
The king was very distraught over his daughter's disappearance, and sent out a brave knight to rescue her from her imprisonment."
By now, everyone in the room was leaning forward to see who would be assigned as thebrave and gallant knight. Francis had to stop for a moment, wondering who should be stuck as the poor knight who had to rescue her. It certainly wouldn't be himself, Bill was too old for the part...So that left...
"The brave Knight Louis..." Louis perked up at the sound of his own name, and Zoey snickered quietly to herself. Bill chuckled softly, and listened carefully as Francis went on... "Knight Louis mounted his trusty steed and rode off to the forest to rescue the princess.
However, on the way he was stopped by one of the castle guards, who inquired about where he was going.
"I'm off to save the lovely princess!" Louis answered boldly, raising he sword in the air.
"You should visit the great wizard first," the guard suggested. He pointed off to the tower that stood tall in the middle of the woods.
Louis nodded, and took the guard's advice. He turned about and started towards the tower. He rode all the way out to the tower, then dismounted and knocked on the door.
The door was answered by the great wizard..."
Francis trailed off for a moment, wondering how to word the story. "Well, actually the wizard wasn't that great. He was like Princess Zoey. People were okay with him, but only because he was helpful."
"Let me guess," Bill grumbled. "This is the Wizard Bill?"
Smirking, Francis nodded. "You're catching on," he sniggered, before clearing his throat and going on with the story.
"The Semi-Great and Barely-Tolerable Wizard Bill answered the door, scratching thoughtfully at his huge beard that trailed all the way to the ground and then from there to Canada..."
Bill narrowed his eyes at Francis, and the biker grinned. "I hate that beard of yours, Bill."
"I hate that vest of yours, Francis," the veteran retorted.
The conversation ended at that, with Zoey and Louis doubled over in an attempt to hold off a sudden giggle fit.
"Oh Semi-Great Wizard Bill!" Louis declared with a sophisticated bow. "I am on a great quest to rescue the annoying princess from the really tall tower! Can you help me defeat the evil Witch and her fierce dragon Tank?"
"I can indeed," Bill boasted, waving for Louis to enter. The Knight did so, being sure to take his shoes off at the door.
"I appreciate your kindness, oh kind wizard who is ever so kind to help me so kindly in this kind of mess," Louis said as the wizard lead him down a hallway and into a large room with many sparkling, bubbling cauldrons. Some had unknown contents, but most were just filled with magic booze."
"Why booze?" Zoey asked, snickering quietly.
"Because anyone with magic powers has to be piss drunk," came Francis' immediate reply.
"The wizard reached up onto a high shelf and plucked one bottle from it's depths.
"What is it?" Louis asked in amazement. He carefully inspected the maroon-colored bottle. "It looks like an ordinary bottle of booze with a string on top!"
"That's because it IS booze with a string on top," Bill scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Now stop yapping and pay attention, you whippersnapper. This is a Magic Fire Potion!" (Cue sparkles, confetti, dimming of lights, and dramatic music.)
"Wow!" Louis exclaimed. "What does this Magic Fire Potion do? How shall it help me best the witch and her dragon?"
"Think about this, son, It's a Magic Fire Potion. What do you think it does?" Bill said.
Louis gratefully accepted the bottle, and carefully stowed it away in his pocket. "So what should I do with the Magic Fire Potion?"
Bill gave him an incredulous look. "You throw it at them and they catch on fire. That's all there is to it, boy. It's not rocket science. It's alcohol and fire."
Giving the wizard one last thanks before leaving, Louis put his shoes back on and rode out, his sights set on the Witch's palace.
After three days and three nights of traveling (despite the fact that the palace could be seen from the Wizard's tower) Knight Louis reached the tower. At the door, he was greeted by the rogue, Hunter.
"None shall pass!" the Hunter growled. But it sounded more like 'Grrrrrr grrrrr growl angry noises.'
"I shall smite you, foul beast!" Louis proclaimed, unsheathing his sword and stabbing the monster through the chest. (If you think anything weird about that, hit yourself in the face. Seriously.)
"Gaaahh!" the Hunter exclaimed, falling back to the ground. "It hurts! There is pain in my bleeding flesh wound!"
Happy with himself, Louis continued forward. After he entered the castle, he encountered the Smoker Wizard, who again told him that "None shall pass!" Again, it came out as something incomprehensible. The Smoker sounded like it was only coughing.
Poor Smoker also received a bleeding wound to the chest, and he fell over with a cough and exploded into a flurry of smoke that was actually pretty cool.
Knight Louis moved onwards once more and finally reached the dragon and Witch.
"Let me guess," he said smugly. "'None shall pass?'"
The Tank said nothing, and instead unleashed a loud roar that knocked over the nearby pillars and blew the Smoker's smoke into the wilderness, beginning what is now referred to by some people as 'Global Warming'.
Fearing for his life, Louis dove out of the way of the dragon's mighty fist that punched forward and–"
"Was the fist on fire?" Zoey suddenly interrupted.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Francis grumbled.
"Well he's a dragon!" the student exclaimed, throwing her arms into the air and acting as though everyone knew what she was talking about. (No one knew what she was talking about, in case you were wondering.) "If he's a dragon, he has to breathe fire or do something fire related!"
"Fine!" Francis sighed. "His fist spontaneously combusts in midair and sets ablaze and he attempts to punch Louis with his fist of fire."
"If Louis actually had any hair it would have singed off with the close proximity of the flames. The knight rolled across the ground and grabbed the Magic Fire Potion and threw it at the two monsters.
Both the Witch and the Tank set ablaze, and while they were distracted with stopping, dropping, and screaming at the top of their lungs, Louis made a run for it and made it to the tower with the princess.
After hours of running up spiral stairs, Louis reached the top room, and found the Princess waiting for him. She jumped to her feat, eyes sparkling with so much joy that, had this not been fictional, it would have blinded someone.
"Thank you, brave knight!" Zoey exclaimed in her annoying voice. "Now we shall escape and be married and live together forever happily ever after!"
But just as they were about to leave, the Tank thundered up the stairs with a roar, bursting through the door. Before he could blink, Louis was punched out of the tower. He flew right through the window and crashed to the ground. Louis died a painful and horrible death only to respawn years later when someone invented closets.
Zoey was so upset over the death of her knight that she tried to jump out as well and commit suicide. But she unfortunately landed on Bill's beard and was saved from death. She lived the rest of her life in misery and pain.
And they all lived happily ever after. Sort of. Not quite."
Francis grinned with triumph, while everyone else in the room simply stared. Zoey was the first to speak up after the story ended.
"Francis, I hate your happy endings."
A/N: I don't like the ending that much. I was gonna add something with the infected in it, but decided not to. So it sort of just ended there. Oh, and don't ask how Louis knew that the zombies were saying 'None shall pass.' I realized that after writing it, and was too lazy to think of a way to fix it.