Written for almond_joyz on Livejournal with the prompts of Sheldon/Penny's attempt at a sexual encounter
The female gender really should come with an instruction manual.
Not only does the chemical make up of the female brain make the firing synaptic patterns indecipherable to males on a cognitive level and that the hormonal differences between the males and females of any species made true communication ineffective, but their bodies never seem to react the same way twice, making it statistically improbable that a courting male could ever get things right to a satisfactory percentile.
For example, take the last time in which I touched Penny's thigh, she elicited a groan indicating that she enjoyed the stimulation on a primal, sexual level, however this time she giggled. Giggling meant I had stirred the ventromedial prefrontal cortex awake, which hadn't been the intention, which led to my unexpected results. I removed my hand, assuming that she was no longer in the desired mood to continue in such activities. She seemed to take this unfavourably, and slapped the back of my head.
The conclusion I came to is that women appear to have a violent streak.
I've found that my best bet is to try and decipher the noises that she elicits during pre-coitus in order to best gage the situation, but this can be highly ineffective as the variables are always in flux, creating an unstable environment, which is highly disconcerting, although it does suggest that the reasoning for the Fantastic Four developing abilities completely different from one another when affected by the same cosmic rays was really Stan Lee and Jack Kirby's way of trying to explain the erraticness that is the female sexual reaction.
It's been learned in my research that the female body's desires fluctuates depending on its environment. I once kissed Penny in the living room, and attempted to enter her mouth with my tongue, and her response was to pull back with a look of distain, however when I tried to do the same thing later that night in her apartment, she reacted quite the opposite, pulling me closer and not letting go, making it rather uncomfortable to breath. The public display of affection seemed deter her from physicality, but I don't understand why. It was just us - Leonard, Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Penny and I. Not as if it we were in front of complete strangers. I do wonder though why she was fine with physical attention at the Chinese food restaurant, but I digress.
Once the acceptable positions have occurred, the acceptable speed and velocity in the act of intercourse seems to vary greatly between men and women. In order for the human race to survive and thrive it is a matter of survival of the fittest. Logically, it makes much more sense that the male who can spread his seed the fastest would be the dominant male in society, much like the fastest runners in a tribe don't get eaten by lions. Women seem to think that longer is better, but how does that assist the primal need to produce offspring? Speed equals more chances of victorious reproduction. My speed is a genetic mutation to better mankind.
Leonard says that Penny calling me The Flash is a bad thing.
I disagree. From a procreation standpoint, I'm well ahead of the pack.