Originally planned to keep it a one-shot, but Promth...Promtherus....Prometheus (there we go) FireBringer politely asked me to continue. So I complied. A couple of OOC moments, by the by.

I've been thinking about abridging the first SM movie. Review for feedback on whether you think I should do it or not.

© Naoko Takeuchi. Lucky bastard is probably rolling around in money...

All opinions are expressed by me and are not necessarily the same opinions of Ms. Takeuchi.

Mamoru blinked.

And again.

His rant was er...quite popular.

'Mamo-chan, why don't you post it on the internet?' Usagi, the voice of reasoning he should never listen to said, 'People will agree with you! I mean, since we are pretty popular...to well, boys over the age of 13 and Creepy old men...'.

So now people wanted to hear more.

'Great,' he thought, rubbing his temples, 'I'm writing a rant that I want to get out of my system, people like it, and demand more of my incessant opinions? What the hell?'

Sighing, he opened up a Word Document, and the ideas in his head poured down.

Hello once more, fellow sarcastic tools. It is I, Mamoru 'Mamo-chan' Chiba again. You see, although I was hoping to keep my ranting to a minimum, I figured that I haven't covered enough topics.

Actually I have. Now I think I'm just doing this against my will.

And this is why I have no religion.



No, we are not looking for new recruits. For the love of God. Your stupid Sailor Moon-wannabe is going to have to just stick to cosplaying.

And don't kill me off just because you want to bang my girlfriend. For God's sake, have some common decency. Seiya didn't like me, but he didn't want to impale me in the chest with a saber, for Christ's sake. And come on, remember what I said last time? O Humble overlord will always bring us back to life.

And again, we aren't looking for your 'super-kawaii-sugoi-hawt' girl to add to our collection of teenagers fighting in mini-skirts. And I'm not going to run off and elope to Hawaii with your 'super-kawaii-sugoi-hawt' girl.

Let me, once again, make this perfectly clear: I love Usako.

Moving on.

Ground Rule ewreiop: The pairings. Again.

Third damn time. Although the first and second time I approached this, I was perturbed by the fact that so many people couldn't get their facts straight about Usako and Seiya. But now, I am perturbed by the fact that people think that the Inner Senshi are in love with each other.

No. Okay, Rei went out with me, making it quite obvious she's heterosexual. Makoto blushes at nearly every guy we meet, Ami had...maybe still has a boyfriend...Ryo Urawa? Anyway, they've been together for a while now, making her, again, straight. Minako was 'obsessed' with becoming The Starlights' Manager, according to Usako, and by 'become their manager' she meant 'date them'.

You see? They aren't going to going to any romantic dates with each other anytime soon. How do I know? I'm psychic.

Although, that really hasn't been said recently...

Ground Rule Number jksaldjk: ALL OF OUR ENEMIES ARE DEAD.

Beryl isn't going to come back and 'haunt us from beyond the graaaaaaave'! That bitch is gone. And Nehellenia is, too. And Dr. Tomoe is good now. And Galaxia is also somewhere in the galaxy. Prince Demand (who I like to call Mr. Rapist) and his flock of villains are also gone.

And no. There are also no new enemies that we are currently aware of. We are living a normal life. Hopefully.

And don't cross us over with completely insane things. Make it rational. Zelda, Kingdom Hearts, and other fantasy games that I do know exist (thank you, Usako) are fine. However, freaking Godzilla, despite the fact that we are in Japan, is not okay.

I mean, really?! Really.

Ground rule number whatever, I stopped caring: YOUR CRAPPY GRAMMAR.

Why must you make us sit through and read things that are so horrible—.

"Mamo-chan, I'm trying to find Chibiusa's little pink dress, did you wash it already, because I can't find it anywhere."

"Oh, yeah. I cleaned it already. Why are you looking for it?"

"She wants to go over to her friends house in it; I was just wondering if you knew where it was!"

"Oh. Alright then."

Sorry about that.

Anyway, why must you make us sit through and read stories so error filled and lacking knowledge of correcting the most BLANTANTLY OBVIOUS ERRORS. It is incredibly, incredibly painful. My Usako, who, no offense to her, isn't the greatest writer in the world (but hey, everybody has mistakes) but at least she tries to figure out her errors and correct them. Are you trying to slowly drain my soul? Because we've already had that happen to us, and believe me—it won't happen again.

There's something called (hold your gasps) a beta-reader who will make sure your horrible error-stricken stories get fixed up properly. And, okay, if you're writing stories and you aren't very good at English, and you can't get a beta-reader, okay, then download OpenOffice or Microsoft Word © because those red squiggle lines do mean something.

So stop beating my brain against a hypothetical brick wall and actually fix it.

Ground rule number who cares: Please. PLEASE try to keep your facts straight.

If you use 'Serena' and 'Darien', then Americanize it. (Apparently, there was a cartoon show of Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Kamen here, and America decided to use it, just changing out names. I never watched it, but Usako did.) You can use any American restaurants or stores, or whatever. Don't use honorifics, either, because if you're American and you're saying 'Serena-chan', then people will think you're either stupid, annoying, or high/drunk.

Same thing with Japanese. Use honorifics, but don't say 'Hey Mamo-chan, you want to go hit Barnes N' Nobles? I heard they have some kawaii comic books there.'

'Oh sure, Usako, then we can go eat at T.G.I. Friday's and I can have some jalapeño poppers.'

No. No. No. It just doesn't work that way. Okay? Japanese, say we eat Rice Balls. American, say we eat jelly freakin' doughnuts. It's really, really simple.

Ground Rule number askldjk: Stick to the REAL DEAL.

I think I already covered this, didn't I? About Canon? Well, anyway. Please stick to it. And don't, for the love of all that is holy, make us do stupid things.

Okay. Let me make this perfectly clear; quite frankly, I can't remember how Usako and I met as Endymion and Serenity. But please...please...I didn't capture her, nor did we meet at some 'mushy Ball'. No, you can leave that up to your own creations. But at least make it somewhat plausible, because I'm pretty sure our O humble overlord doesn't want her creation to be bastardized by a tween.

No. That is the opposite of what is good.

And here's how we met on Earth; I got his by a test paper, and then Usako and I yelled at each other a lot. That's. Basically. It.

And no, your character did not play matchmaker with us. Follow the script.

It gets aggravating to see person upon person use the same. Idea. It's a cool, new style until everyone's doing it. I mean, somebody, somewhere is probably stealing my idea for ranting and breaking the fourth wall.

Mamoru sighed, tapping a pen on his desk. Usagi, carrying in a glass of chocolate milk, wrapped her arms around him.

"Mamo-chan, what's the matter?"

"Oh, I'm just relieving stress again. I suppose it's getting upsetting, watching me pour my thoughts into a computer, instead of telling you." Usagi smiled, and kissed him on the cheek.

"Mamo-chan, it's alright. I know if something was bothering you, you would've told me. But just getting off some little irritants by typing it is all right, too. Just make sure you don't spend all your time in here, because Chibiusa should be coming home from school in about half an hour, and she wants to go to the carnival downtown." Mamoru chuckled.

"Alright Usako. I'll be finished soon. Why don't you go see Motoki for a bit, hm? Then we can pick you up on our way to the Carnival." Usagi clapped her hands together.

"Motoki-oniisan! I haven't seen him in forever! I should! Call me when Chibiusa comes home, Mamo-chan!" She pecked him on the cheek, and hurried out the door. He laughed, and continued typing until Chibiusa came home.

Ground Rule who gives a damn: Please please please PLEASE make us actually have character development.

I have seen so many stories where the outline is this:

'I hate you! OMG Darien/Mamoru, you're such a jerk!'

'You're a ditz and a klutz who deserves to be the crazy cat lady.'


'Well damn.'


'Darien/Mamoru, you need to apologize. Stop being such a douche.'


'Not at all. Now go chase after her and have a hot make-out session with her in your apartment/the park/wherever.'


'I feel unloved because Darien/Mamoru hates me, even though it's pretty obvious he's only making fun of me because he likes me, but I'm going to be a dunce and pretend I didn't see the HUUURT IN HIS EEEYES.'

'Odango/Meatball head. I'm sorry I hurt you. Let's have five minutes of awkward sexual tension before revealing our feelings for each other, then proceeding to have a fantastic kiss, even though kisses aren't exactly fantastic on the first time around.'



Again. The opposite of what is good.

So please. Stop...just stop...


Because people aren't commenting, reviewing, and their faces melt off like in Raiders of the Lost Ark (Which I have seen, by the way. I am not being a hypocrite; Usako imported it.) then it's pretty obvious that your stories suck.

So stop tormenting us with things that are so horrible that Chibiusa has to sleep with Usako and me. So...please...for the children. If you see a bad story, or are the owner of a bad story, just kill it dead. Please just kill it.

"Done!" He sat back in the chair, hitting the 'save' icon on his Quick Access Toolbar. As if on cue, Chibiusa walked through the door, shouting 'Ohayo'. Mamoru shut the lid on his laptop, and greeted her with a ruffle of her hair.

"Ah, Chibiusa. Usako went down to the arcade to see Motoki. We agreed to meet her there so we could go to the carnival, and then you could go to your friend's house."

"Mamo-chan! Thank you! I've been wanting to go for forever!" She placed a kiss on his cheek, and he chuckled.

"Alright Chibiusa. Let's get going." She laid her backpack near the door, and took his hand.

Mamoru chuckled.

Maybe ranting wasn't so bad after all...

I was stretching a bit for ideas there. Don't point them out, or else I'll have you killed.

And I'm fully aware I contradicted myself there a little. And I think Mamoru was a bit too OOC.