cut - Pre-KotoR Jaq

Disclaimer: Atton "Jaq" Rand belongs to Obsidian Ent. and LucasArts.

A/N: This is "Scary" Atton, his Sith Assassin alter-ego, so this is going to be pretty dark. Warnings: blood and sensitive ideology.

Jaq entered his refresher, dropping his gloves and jacket to the floor as he went. Rolling his shoulders a bit, he reached into the stall of the shower and turned the faucet marked with an H until it was on full.

Steam began to fill the room, clouding the mirror up until all he could see in it was a vague blur of himself.

He shrugged off his shirt, then reached for his straight blade, which sat on the lip of his sink.

The durasteel blade sank into the flesh of his belly. The bite of pain was cold and sharp, but it made him feel better. Helped him sort through the workings of his mind. Silenced all but the loudest of voices.

The air reeked of his sweat and the blood that trailed warmly down his belly now. Over the spray of the water, he could hear his own indrawn breaths, deep and ragged. His mouth tasted bitter - like old juma and ash. The flavor of his own self derision.

He liked to think that this helped him. Each time he did it, it plucked out the pain of the moment; the self conflict, guilt, and misgivings, and replaced it with pain of a much more manageable sort.

He had dozens of scars marching across his lower belly from doing this very thing countless times. Some old, faded with time, some newer, pink and tender. A few were still scabbed over.

He deserved much worse.

He thought of the boy he'd killed this morning. He'd been young, probably hadn't seen more than thirteen summers. The Jedi were clearly desperate now. Sending more and more youthful padawans into battle.

Voices coalesced inside of him, creating a loud roar, over which he could hear nothing but his own rapid heartbeat.

He gripped the cold porcelain of the sink, pushing the blade in a little deeper, and at last, he felt something break.

He watched the blood roll down toward the base of his abdomen, and opened himself to the numbness, letting it overtake him.

A/N: I feel compelled to say that I cannot condone self harm. Cutting yourself is very bad, do not do it!!! I wrote this story to take part in a "Scary Atton" challenge, with the theme being therapy.