Let it be.
"No!" I screamed.
I awoke, sweating and panting. I'd had another nightmare.
Same old story. It wasn't anything new to me. Id lost the love of my life, Phoenix. It was natural right? It was natural for me to grieve for the rest of my life. For me too crumble apart. I couldn't give up on him. But I knew I had too some time and thats what made me cling on even more. It had been a year ago now, since Phoenix disappeared, cops found his body in a ditch somewhere, but never found out what really happened, how he got killed, although there were a couple of unusual scars left on his body. But they gave up on the case soon enough. He'd left a big wound inside me, that ached every time I thought of him which was all the time. It wasn't fair, he promised he would never leave but he broke his promise. He said he loved me, and he meant it. He was the only one I trusted. The only thing that had me wishing on a wishing star. But he left. Just like everyone else. Im like a dead end. I have bad luck written all over me. And the one chance I had at something real, something worth living for, was taken away from me. So that's it. Theres nothing left for me. I might as well die right? But no, my mother that's what is left for me. I cant leave her. She depends on me. And she is the only person I love. The only one I trust. I cant be a coward now. I cant go back on my word. I don't break promises.
I stared up at the ceiling, and with the back of my hand, wiped my forehead.
With my feet, I swiftly kicked the blanket off of my much too warm body. A gust of wind blew into my room from the crack of my window that was open. It felt so good. And for one second. All the pain, everything, was gone. Just that feeling of being comfortable made me feel free and safe. Safe from all the pain and agony that has made me what I am today. I felt like I was hovering from the bed, just floating in mid air. And then reality slammed me back down to earth. And the black hole from inside me, the wound that was left from all the heartbreak, came back into appearance. It makes me feel like I cant breathe. It tugs at my heart strings begging my heart to give up. I sighed. When is it ever going to end? When will my reality be better than my dreams? I rolled over, so that I was laying on my side and I was facing the wall. I tucked my hand underneath my pillow to get to the cold side. I shut my eyes, and inhaled a deep breath. I don't know what the time was when I heard the knock on my door. But the sun was just starting to rise, and the annoying birds that woke me up every morning with the sounds of their tweeting had not yet arrived.
"April." Carmen, my mother, called from outside my door. I rolled onto my stomach and nuzzled my face into my pillow. She lightly knocked on the surface of my tattered door and then opened the door just slightly, to see me.
"April dear, are you awake?" I didn't reply, I wasn't in the mood for talking.
Not first thing in the morning. I heard her sigh and twist on the balls of her feet, turning to face the door." I lifted my head up to see her face. It was the same warm, friendly face, that always had a smile painted on it.My mother was an attractive woman. Even in this early morning, she looked beautiful. Her hair was in loose curls that went on for ages then lightly bounced of her shoulder. Her warm, golden eyes sparkled even in the dark. Her rosy cheeks, were a slight pink this cold morning. And I could even make out the small dimples that appeared whenever she smiled.
"Are you okay? I heard you scream tonight." Great. Just what I need.
I really didn't need my mom worrying about me. I didn't need anyone interfering. It was hard enough trying to keep the wound covered by myself. People just make it worse, they make the pain worse.Even so, I wanted to answer my mother, to reassure her I was OK. To smile back at her worried but still happy face. To act like nothing had happened and I was fine. What a lie. But I couldn't. I was numb.This was how id become. Id shut everyone out, even my mother. I gazed into her golden, honey eyes, and opened my mouth to speak.Her face brightened, this was something she hadn't seen for months. Then I closed it again and dug my head into the pillow once again. She sighed, and slowly walked out of the room, taking one glance back at me before she shut the door. I heard her muttering something in the hallway but It was too muted for me to hear her exactly.
It was the first day of school, and I really wasn't looking forward to it. The whole school would be staring and talking about me. Even after a year my tragedy was still talk of the town. I even heard once, that people swore I was the one that killed my love. Ridiculous. I figured I should get up and get ready for the long day ahead of me. I dragged myself out of bed, and walked into my en suite bathroom. Id always told Carmen, that it was totally unnecessary and that she should have this room. But these last couple of months Id grown quite fond of it as I didn't have to leave my room a lot.
I looked back at my reflection in the mirror above my sink.
I was hardly a sight for sore eyes. My chocolate brown hair was scruffy and just hanged off of my head, dead and untidy. My emerald green eyes which once sparkled and shined like diamonds were now dull and pebble like. They were set above deep purple rings that made me look 10 years older than I was. My lips were pale and had a shade of purple in them, which didn't contrast with my pale white skin. I stared into the mirror, long and hard. I tilted my head to the side, seeing my self from every angle as if I was someone else, as if I was looking at myself for the first time in my life. I stared into my eyes, and I could see Phoenix's face in them. The wound from inside me started throbbing. I winced. I shut my eyes briefly and sighed. After taking another long look at myself, I realised this is not who I am. I didn't need to let myself go. I didn't need to shut Carmen out. But I wanted to. Because I thought that if I didn't, it would make me look bad. I should be behaving the way I am, because im grieving. But I realised, if I took care of myself it wouldn't mean I stopped caring or stopped hurting. Imagine what Phoenix is thinking, he wouldn't want this, I would never ever forget him and I would never stop hurting. But I didn't need to turn into the bride of Frankenstein in the process.
I grabbed the orange comb that sat on the side of the sink and tugged away violently at my hair. After a good few minutes, I threw the comb down, and turned the knob on the sink. Cold water splashed down into the sink and droplets bounced onto my face. I cupped my hands and put them in front of the tap. Water filled my hands from every corner, oozing out from every crack. I splashed the water onto my face, it was cold and it sent a shiver down my spine. But it felt refreshing. I brushed my teeth, and grabbed the cotton, cream coloured towel from the side and rubbed it against my face. I then rubbed a little bit of cherry lip balm onto my pale lips. Just to bring them to life and give them a bit of colour.
It worked, already I was looking better. Now, my eyes didn't sparkle but they weren't the emerald pebbles they were earlier more like pearls. My face looked clean and refreshed, much better. I walked out of the bathroom and sprang over to my wardrobe. I pulled a pair of deep blue coloured jeans from a hanger and threw it onto the bed. On any other day I would look for dull, plain coloured t-shirts. But today I pulled out my purple hooded jumper out. I got dressed and glanced at myself from the mirror in the corner of the room. I sat myself down on the bed. I stared into thin air for a few minutes, until the smell of toast and coffee filled my nostrils.
* * *
As I walked down the stairs, I inhaled the smell of toast into my nose. I hadn't had a proper breakfast in ages. I walked into the doorway of the kitchen, and looked at Carmen, who was pouring coffee and buttering toast. She was humming a catchy little tune, and she locked two of her fingers around the mugs handle. She turned on her heel and dropped the mug onto the floor. Coffee splattered everywhere. The glass smashed into a few pieces and flicked tiny pieces around the room.
"Carmen! What's wrong?" I asked, worried. She'd looked like she'd seen a ghost.
"Oh, nothing. Oh silly me, im such a clumsy old woman" She scrambled around the floor picking up the pieces of glass quickly.
"Be careful, you'll cut yourself" I knelt down and helped her pick up the pieces.
"No don't you worr- Ow!" She'd cut her finger with one of the pieces. Silly old Carmen, never listening to what I say.
"Come here" I helped her up, and put her hand in the sink, while I turned the knob of the tap.
"Keep your hand there, till I get a plaster" I went to the downstairs bathroom, and grabbed the box of plasters from the cabinet above the sink.
"Here, this will help" I showed her the plaster and took her hand in mine, while turning the tap off.
"Now what happened? Why were you so shocked?" I opened one of the plasters and dabbed at her cut with a piece of cotton wool.
"Oh, I was Urm…just surprised to see you…well…like you are." She looked out the window, avoiding any eye contact. I focused on her hand.
"Well don't get me wrong, its great. But you just haven't been yourself lately, since Phoenix…died. But darling, im here for you. You don't need to shut me out. You don't need to go through this alone." I could see her eyes getting moist when I glanced up at her face. The wound started aching from inside. I fixed my eyes on the plaster.
"Carmen, I know that. But I-I…Phoenix…look, don't worry everything's going to be fine. Im going to be fine." That was a lie. No matter how much I covered myself up, from the inside, I'd always be hurting. Always.
No-one could ever take the pain away.
"Okay, I believe you. But just remember im always here." Gullible Carmen, she believes anything. She half-smiled at me. And with much force, I smiled back.
"You'd better leave, its late, its all my fault, now you cant have breakfast" She looked upset as I hadn't sat down with her too eat anything in ages.
"Don't fret. I wasn't that hungry anyway." I gave her a slight hug and walked over to the table. I slung my bag over my shoulder and headed towards the door. The door knob was cold, and I didn't realise how long id been standing there, frozen.
"April? Are you alright?" I looked back at the kitchen doorway and saw Carmen standing there watching me all this time.
"Uh yeah. Daydreaming…"I took a deep breath and turned the door knob.
The cold was easy to notice. The sun peered down onto the town but it didn't warm it up. As I breathed out, I could see my breath in front of me. I remember, when I was a child, I would pretend to be smoking, and put two fingers on my lips, holding an imaginary cigarette, I almost smiled at the memory. I stepped onto the front porch and closed the door behind me squeezing a goodbye wave in for Carmen before I shut it completely. I pulled out my pair of woolly cotton gloves and put them on my hands. It immediately warmed them up. We have this thing in my family, where we all have really cold hands and feet. So we always have a spare pair of gloves or socks even in the summer. Which isn't much different to the winter. I hopped onto my red bicycle. I loved this bike, the amount of memories attached to it, I guess that's the reason its so tattered. The bike was Carmen's old bike, she'd given it to me when I turned 13 and I just couldn't bring myself to give it up. Its better than walking to school anyway.
I pulled up on the curb of the school car park, and neatly left the bike leaning on the wall. No-one would take it, it wasn't worth anything. No sooner I turned around, I noticed everyone's eyes locked onto me. All of them just gawping. Whispering. Interfering. I winced as the wound started aching. I even heard one of them say "Isn't that April Crawford, the girl that killed her boyfriend?" Even though it was obscene for anyone to even think that and I knew it wasn't true, it did hurt. How could anybody think I would be capable of killing the love of my life? I guess they didn't know me. No-one really knows me. People think they know someone but all they have are judgements. I didn't know what to do. There was so many of them just standing around in crowds, towering over little me. So I did what any normal human being would do…and just stood there. Staring back at them. Well maybe a normal human being wouldn't do this. But then again what is normal? Surprisingly everyone suddenly turned around, looking at something or someone else. I was relieved but also anxious as to what they were looking at. I couldn't see what everyone was looking at but I took the opportunity to move from the place I was standing. I walked around the crowd of people to see what the fuss was about. Everyone was whispering, nudging each other. Andrea, the schools most popular girl was giggling, and twirling her hair. She was short and cute. Her hair was wavy and stretched halfway down her back. It was a light auburn colour. Her bright aquamarine eyes glistened in the sun, and her smile beamed. She was wearing a short red skirt, and a tan leather jacket which she wore over a white long sleeved top. Andreas friends (followers) were wearing the same colours as her, and they were all giggling and copying Andrea. I grimaced. We were all born original, so why do we want to be the same now?
Then I saw them.
A cold wind rushed through the crowd, and I gasped. There were three of them. Two boys and one girl. They were acting as if they hadn't acknowledged over 50 people standing there watching them. They were the new kids. Sometimes I would feel really happy if there were new students, it would take me out of the spotlight. I know its mean but I enjoyed someone else being talked about and gawped at as if they had antlers growing out of their head. They were standing underneath the big oak tree, in the shadows. All three of them were exceptionally beautiful. The girl, was quite tall about 5'8. Her pale porcelain skin showed through her thin white shirt, and it was much too cold to be wearing an outfit like hers, but it didn't seem to bother her. Her hair was a deep mahogany colour, she was wearing it down, straight, it looked luscious and thick compared to mine. Which goes dry and not so attractive in the cold. She had the perfect face. From her ski jump nose to her eyes. They were very dark and you could see the liquid, golden honey sparkle it had. Her lips were not too full, not too thin, just right, and rose stained. Her high cheekbones were a rosy pink colour, and her bone structure was just right, just perfect. I guess that's what she was…Just right. Just perfect. Then there was the first of the boys, which I could guess was the girls boyfriend, their hands were intertwined. He was a little taller than her. His ivory skin shone even in the shadowed area they were standing at. His hair was a golden, copper colour, it was a dismantled mess, yet it still looked effortlessly amazing. His lips were curved at the corners and they were full and red, the colour of blood. His eyes were the same colour as the girls, dark but it had a golden honey twinkle. His eyes met my gaze, and I swiftly looked away, I saw his body tense and his hand tighten around his girlfriends. As soon as I thought it was safe I stared at the last boy. He was so beautiful, he dazzled me. His hair was very dark and looked black but at an angle in the light it was a dark purple almost amethyst. His skin was just like the others. Ivory, marble like and almost translucent. His eyes were hard, black and they cut right into me. But just as the others i knew there was something else there. I gazed into them, It felt like they went on forever, I could see deep into his soul. They were mesmerizing…so beautiful. Immediatley i was hooked onto him, i felt an urge to lunge towards him and explore his eyes further. I couldn't look away. His eyes narrowed, and he glared at me. I realised, he noticed my staring. I looked away, and felt the blood rush to my cheeks. Grey clouds covered up the sun. Water droplets started pouring down slowly and lightly. The crowds disappeared instantly, except me, and the three amazingly beautiful people. I didn't move until my hair was drenched in rain water. I glanced at the three gorgeous eyes staring at me curiously. They looked angry, their eyes were solid black all the golden sparkles had disappeared. Their hands were balled into fists. Afraid, I quickly ran to my first class. English.
Not such a good first impression A. But maybe things will get better from here, theres only one way up and one way down. Which way will you go? Lets just wait and see, XOXO.