Finding this letter you'll probably wonder what's wrong with me, but I can assure you, nothing's wrong with, me well nothing new at least... I think I just figured some things out, and this is the best way to express what's going through my mind without confussing you or me too much.
I came to the understanding that you weren't in hell for 40 years. You were down there for 10 years. It took me some time, but I think I finally understand the idea behind it, the part that makes hell what it is, an evil, lonely, godforsaken place, dominated by betrayal, despair, pain and fear.
That maybe the way most people think about "hell", but I guess for you it was different. I know you hurt too. I know you had fears, although I can only read that in your face while talking bout it,cause I know as much as you do, that admitting it out loud, is something you can't do yet.
And maybe you even felt betrayed.
Betrayed by God, for putting our family through so much pain, although our mom seemed to have so much faith in him and you had faith in her, thought that she can't be wrong, cause... well..simply because she's your mom, because back in the day you knew without a doubt that moms don't lie, right?!
Of course you soon realized that there can't be a god, at least not "the god" our mum always talked about, he simply wouldn't have let happen what happened to her.
Betrayed by dad for especting so much from you.
Taking care of me was always your job, most parents tell their children to look out for each other, but I guess.. again, it was different for you. It wasn't about looking out for school bullys or making sure I didn't try to learn to fly by jumping off a tree with a red cape around my neck, everyone can do these things, I'm not saying you didn't do all that stuff, cause you did, but you did more you made sure I was happy and felt safe, felt heard and taken care of; you can pay a babysitter all you want but if she/he doesn't put their heart into it, you'll fail.
You didn't get paid from dad and I know for sure that praise wasn't often vocalized either.
You did it anyway, put all your heart, time and energy into it, but not just into taking care of me at some point you extended your job. It wasn't just about Sammy anymore, it was about family....OUR family, about keeping what's left behind together, keeping Sammy, Dad and Dean together.
And I can tell you, you did a pretty good job, still do. I don't think you'll agree, I guess that you took my leaving as some kind of personal failure. You weren't able to keep us together.
You didn't pay attention for one moment and WHAMM your whole world fell apart right in front of you with just one slamming door.
Well I guess that's why you may felt betrayed by me too.
I was the one leaving, not looking back, not returning the calls. I think you felt betrayed, cause it seemed like me and Dad destroyed everthing you worked so hard and desperately for, we took the one thing from you that mom left behind, a family... your family, with the permanent moving it also meant home.
Only this time there was no fire, except the fire in their eyes, it was more like a big earthquake that split your home in two and those two parts started to move into different directions.
And that's where you stood, in the middle, alone, shelterless and paralyzed.
Unable to realise what just happened and unable to fix it.
So I think the first 30 years in hell were your life in a nutshell just much more intense and then stretched to fill 30 years.
'Cause you are familiar with pain, you had broken bones, were scliced before. Torn between the two people that mean the world to you, for whose lifes you would go to hell again on the spot if it meant keeping them safe. So yeah the first 30 years were nothing new to you, but the difference was that there was no hope.
No hope for all that to stop at some point, up here you had always this little spark of hope that it might get better at some point.
But hell wasn't known for these kind of wonders, there was no escaping and I guess after 30 years you finally realized that.
You were tired of the constant fighting, everyone and everything was always just taking from you, never giving something back in just wanted it to stop...let someone else get torn between the people you love, you couldn't be with them anyway, you couldn't protect Sammy anymore, you made the ultimate sacrifice, deep down you thought that I could keep going without you, maybe you even thought that I could do better without you around.
For whatever reason you gave up, the moment you got off that rack, that's when you experienced what hell is like.
It was never you, you never left or hurt the people you loved. You couldn't do it, you knew how it felt like to be at that end.
But down there, that's what you had to do, sure it wasn't your loved ones, but that didn't make the guilt go away or lessen it. You tortured them and you felt guilty, because for crying out loud, for once, it felt good not to be the one who always gets hurt.
I don't know if you realized it but I got the feeling that you're pushing me away again, not by refusing to talk but by actually talking. I don't know if I can explain it, but it feels like you try to protect me from yourself. Like if I finally found out the truth, I would turn my back on you and you wouldn't have to fear that hell altered you more than you thought it already did. Maybe you fear that you could do it again up here..hurting others and you don't wanna hurt me.
So you try to push me away maybe try to make me leave again, cause like I said you couldn't ever be the one leaving, you're the one who stays behind.
But it's just a feeling, one I get when you talk about hell, refusing to look at me.