I'm writing this knowing that you'll never read it, don't know what I'll do with it, maybe burn or hide it for some later time, we'll see.
But I'm not ready to share it with you yet, I hope you'll understand, sometimes certain things are better left alone and unsaid.
I do fell guilty for the things I did down there, but it's more than that. I'm looking for redemption and justice more than anything, what I did wasn't right and it doesn't matter that it took those bastards 30 years to make me do it. In the end, it was me who did the hurting and even worse... I enjoyed it, not enjoying actually doing it, but torturing those souls reduced my own pain.
I need to be judged. We kill things that hurt people, we're the judge of monsters like that. But who's gonna judge me? I can't walk to the police and tell them what I did, I can't go the the families either. For one I don't know the souls names and second, I can't stand the thought of hurting the family members any more by letting them know what their loved ones had, well still have, to go through. They probably won't believe me anyway, but I know it will nag at them, this tiny little voice that will speak up every now and then at random times "What if he's telling the truth?"
I experienced it myself...with Dad, but at that time, I knew where he went i knew it was true,I know that he didn't see the white light, all he saw was darkness, at least I think he saw darkness, cause that's what I saw. Some people say hell is different for everyone and I think they're right, so I can't tell you what Dad's hell was like.
But I can tell you one thing for sure, this feeling you get every morning that you wake up, right after you realize that he isn't there anymore, isn't across the room in the other bed or at least somewhere under the same sun as you are, this feeling just pulls you down and you can do nothing about it, you know he is suffering right NOW, every second of the day and night…All because of you.
You see that's why I can't talk to them can't even try to find out these souls names.
Maybe God will judge me, or did he already? Was my time down there my punishment? Maybe he knew what I could do and send me down that road. That would make this all his fault for sending me to hell and letting me torture poor souls.
But no, wasn't his fault, it was mine, no doubt about that, I think I could spin this "God knows everything" some more times and maybe it would finally make sense at some point, saying that it all is indeed his fault.
It's not what I want, it's not what it feels like either.
My sense of justice was always pretty distinct, there were still some things that hovered in the shades of grey, but tell me where are the shades grey when you're torturer?
When it's all about making yourself feel better, what justifies the thought that just because you can't stand this pain any longer, someone else has to take your place? Sure if you don't torture them someone else will, but that's not the point, I always tried to be the one "taking the place" standing in front of you or Dad or any other person who needed help. That's what marks out a good person in my book, that's what Dad taught us, stand up for the people who can't do it for themselves.
And well I didn't.. not down there, suddenly it was all about me, my needs, my pain.
I need everything to get back in line again and that means I need to be judged.
And that pretty much leaves you Sammy, Castiel/God won't do anything till it's all over, I'm sure of that, right now they need me.
But I need it now, I can't live like this any longer. So you're the judge Sammy, I gave you all the facts. I'm not pushing you away, I'm pushing you for a punishment.
I know it won't be physical, that's just not you, it has to be something different, something that hurts more and lasts longer, cause let's face it, if you get caught torturing humans, you will get the death penalty in some states. So there has to be more than just a slap in the face or a punch to the gut.
I need that punishment you might not even aware of giving. It's the way you look at me, you can hide emotion on your face but not in your eyes.
First time I got that look, was from Dad after that Shtriga thing, I can't tell you what that one look all contained: horror, fear, anger, betray were some of them but mostly disappointment. It still hurts me the most, realising that you disappoint someone who used to have faith in you, who thought that he could trust you. I'm sure I got that look again around the time you left, this time from the both of you, but I can't tell for sure cause I couldn't make eye contact with either of you. I was afraid I would see that look again. The one saying that I messed up again. I wasn't good enough, wasn't able to keep us together not able to fix it.
Betrayal, cause I wouldn't take any sides.
I fear that look down to the present day and even more I fear getting it from you, that youwon't be able to look at me any other way.
But I guess it's a light sentence, considering what I did. Doesn't mean that I'm looking forward to it. I just got you back and you're still my reason for living, you're all that's left, you deserve everything you ever dreamt of and I guess I'm still trying to give it to you.
Although lately I can't help but consider every now and then, that maybe I'm part of the problem, that I'm dragging you down, holding you back. I never wanted that, you know that right?
But well there's this saying "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
I can't go there again and I certainly won't let you join me.
So I need to learn to let you go. Next time I talk about Hell, I might be able to finally face my punishment and my last sacrifice, by looking you in the eyes.
The second chapter wasn't planned, but K. H. Kurosaki asked for one and i still had some ideas left. I hope you liked the story, thanks for reading and i don't mind if you leave a review on your way out ;)
Big Thanks to Stacey for supporting me, Beta-reading this story and being such a great friend! All mistakes left, belong entirely to me.