Forest of Insanity
....Axy's once again attempting a cracked Naruto fanfic.
....To tell the truth, I really don't remember the Sasuke-kidnapping arc ; it's been a while. So...that's probably why this fic is crack. I do know Kidomaru isn't a perv, though, so....
I own nothing but this fanfic. If I owned Naruto, Itachi would've never died and Sasuke would've been killed off in the first episode that he was in. ^^
It was a bright, sunny day in one of the many forests of Konoha. For once there wasn't a war being fought in the trees, or blood splattered on a bird's nest. There wasn't even any fangirls lurking around for Sasuke Uchiha, which was quite uncommon in this village.
However, this forest couldn't escape the wrath of one group of evil ninja....
Or, to be precise, one group of ninja with problems.
" Ooh, look at the boobs on this chick ! They're just like basketballs ! Dribble dribble, boooii-ii-ii--iiing ! "
A dark-skinned teenager with a Sound Village headband on his forehead was looking through one of the millions of lady-magazines that many women find vulgar. He flipped a couple of pages before making a weird giggling sound again. " Long, luscious blonde hair. She's much prettier than Tayuya could ever be, and she's, like, thirty-five ! "
He giggled again, while the red-headed teenager that was Tayuya glared at him with kunai knives in her eyes. " Kidomaru, you're even a sicker person than Jirobo, and he once ate a live chicken ! " she growled.
" I bet she's less bitchier than you are, too, " Kidomaru said with ease, ignoring Tayuya's comments.
Another teenager, this one with tufts of some shade of orange hair and a giant belly, nodded as he indulged in a super-sized bag of chips. " It's true, Tayuya. You're always yelling at everybody. You're an uber-bitch. "
A fourth teenager with grayish hair, whose name was Sakon, snickered. " Yeah. Jirobo's right. She drove Udon to his death just by nagging him to flush the toilet. Stupid bitch...."
" Evil woman. "
" Stupid lady. "
" Random person with a flute. "
" BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH ! " Kidomaru sang, pressing the page of the lady-magazine against Tayuya's freckled nose. " Stuuuuuupid Tayuuuuuy- "
The spidery teenager was cut off by a punch in the jaw. Tayuya made two fists in the air as she punched a few trees. " I CAN'T STAND YOU ! " she screamed, hitting a tree with each word. " I HATE YOU ! I HATE ALL OF YOU ! YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS ! I HATE ALL OF YOU IDIOTS ! I CAN'T STAND YOU IDIOTS ! YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF HATABLE IDIOOOOOTS ! "
All three 'hatable idiots' started to snicker uncontrollably as Tayuya started to throw random things at them. Anything besides those four teenagers that was living in that forest quickly escaped the girl that a lot of people were terrified of.
Well, except for the the leader of the group.
After about five minutes, and after almost pulling a giant tree out of its roots, the red-haired girl blushed at this leader and dropped the tree, which made a THUDDING noise. " ....Kaguya-san, you're the only one that's not an idiot, " Tayuya murmured.
She looked at the white-haired, fifteen-year-old teenager with the albino complexion, dazzling green eyes, bony structure, and two red dots on his forehead. He merely shrugged. " Okay. Thanks. But....I thought I told you not to call me 'Kaguya-san'. You don't know me well, and honorifics are not my thing. So...don't call me that. "
Tayuya nodded. Kimimaro turned to Kidomaru, grabbed the lady-magazine, and burned it with a lighter, grunting as he did so. " Hey, I don't know if you four know this, but we're on a mission right now ! " he hissed. " Lord Orochimaru demanded us to check out the perimeter of the Hidden Leaf Village before we do anything else, and I shall not be the one to disappoint hi- damn it, Kidomaru ! "
Kidomaru was leaning on Sakon's shoulder, the two teenagers snickering over another lady-magazine. The dark-skinned teenager giggled weirdly once again. " Miss January is hooooot ! Look at her legs ! "
" Yeah, her legs ! " Sakon chimed in, pointing.
" I give her an A++++++ ! "
" Ooh, I give her a D - ! "
" Pretty BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- "
The second lady-magazine was snatched and burned like its predecessor. Kimimaro glared at the two snickering boys and turned his gaze to Jirobo. " Fat Man, back me up on this ! " he commanded.
Jirobo shook his head, wagging his bag of chips back and forth. " Sorry. Lunch break. "
" Tayuya ? "
" I can't, Kaguya-san. I might send them to the infirmary. "
Kimimaro sighed out of exasperation, placing a bony hand on his forehead. " Damn it. "
(Ten minutes later.....)
" Are we there yet ? I'm starved ! "
" No. "
"....Now ? "
" No. "
" Whadda 'bout now ? "
" No. "
" Now ? "
" NO, JIROBO ! WE ARE NOT THERE YET ! "
Jirobo groaned. " Dang it. "
Kimimaro also groaned. " Why can't you eat Sakon ? "
".....Okay ! "
A squeal came out of Sakon as Jirobo stuffed him into his wide mouth and devoured him into pieces. As the orange-haired teenager started to chew on the now-deceased Sakon's shoes, Kidomaru sweatdropped. " DUDE ! "
Jirobo looked at Kidomaru with innocent eyes. " Yah, Kidomaru ? "
" Holy crap ! Why did you do that ?! "
" Do what ? "
"......Never mind. "
Tayuya stood silent, gawking at the pot-bellied boy like she never did before. Kidomaru also stared for a few seconds, wondering how he could've ever flunked the fifth grade and ended being paired up by a fourteen-year-old that would eat absolutely anything that a person placed up to him. Jirobo, oblivious to why everyone was staring at him, focused his eyes on a random bush, imagining it as a tasty burrito with a bunch of mustard and chocolate syrup on it.
And Kimimaro merely spaced out of the current universe, going far into his mind, which was deep with many thoughts.
- Why didn't I kill Jirobo in my sleep when I've been given the opportunity dozens of times ?
- Why didn't Lord Orochimaru give me a poison-tipped kunai for Christmas like I asked him ?
- Why does Jirobo have a bottomless pit in his stomach ?
- Why is Tayuya so fixed on calling me Kaguya-san ? Hell, I don't even like her that mu- no, wait. Scratch that. I don't like her at all.
- ......Why haven't I killed Tayuya yet ?.............
- ..........That pink-haired girl with the above-average forehead is pretty cute. Wonder if she's single.....
After processing all of these thoughts, Kimimaro was jolted back into the real world, his green eyes immediately gazing upon Jirobo before stabbing the overweight teenager with a bone. " And now there are only three members of our squad. How sad. How depressing. How....morbid. "
Kidomaru blinked. " Morbid ? "
" Yeah. I learned the word in my eighth-grade science class. It's a synonym for 'gloomy'. "
Tayuya peered at Jirobo's corpse, looking a tad mortified. " So...where do we bury Fat-Ass ? If the ANBU find him, our mission will be shot down to Hell. "
Kimimaro nodded. " You're absolutely right, Tayuya. We must bury our companion Jirobo someplace where no one will notice. "
The white-haired leader turned his head to Kidomaru. " Kidomaru, I want you to take Jirobo up to the tallest tree and tape him up there with your spidery substances. "
Kidomaru sweatdropped. " Could I bury him with some of my por- "
" Yes, go ahead. "
" ALL RIGHT ! MY SPIDERY SUBSTANCES ARE TINGLING ! "
In a blink of an eye, Kidomaru was attempting to tape Jirobo on a tree. However, before he could do that, the corpse fell on him, both he and the corpse fell fifty feet in the air, and crushed Tayuya to the death, along with himself, gagging as he took one more look at his stash of prized lady-magazines.
Kimimaro, who watched the entire scene occured, smirked. He walked to the three corpses, lit them on fire with his lighter, and started to laugh insanely. " BWAHAHAHAHAHA ! THIS IS WHY LORD OROCHIMARU FAVORS ME ! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA ! "
(A couple of days later.....)
Kimimaro sipped at a glass of lemonade. " .....so, they'll be revived by my leader eventually so we can capture an emo Genin with generic traits. It's just like a video game, Haruno-san. "
Sakura sweatdropped slightly. " All righty, then....so....where did you say you were from ? "
" Tokyo. "
" Wow. Impressive. You look a bit sick, though. "
A sniffle came out of Kimimaro, making him pale a tad bit. " Yeah. Darn weather is making me this way. Or...I think I touched my chubby friend's arm for too long. I'm starting to feel a bit abnormal. "
" D'you have the flu, Kimimaro ? "
" No. I think that damn forest made me crazy. "
" .....Which forest did you go into ? "
" Uh, the one with the pointy tree- "
" Forest of Insanity. "
Kimimaro moaned. He took another sip at his lemonade and stood up from his seat. " I better go. I don't wanna make my condition worse than what it is. "
Sakura sighed. " All right. Make sure you get better, okay ? "
" I'll try. "
As Kimimaro left the Leaf Village, he shuddered softly. " I feel sick, mentally and physically, " he murmured to himself.
He looked at the sky, at the puffy clouds, at the pointed pine trees, at random bushes that were making fluffy popcorn. He peered into the trees, saw birds and other forms of wildlife, and then at the pieces of popcorn that were obviously coated with something illegal, pondering on how Jirobo could eat the impossible.
And then, only one thought entered his mind :
Never enter a forest that you don't know about, no matter how appealing and hilarious it is to see the rest of your squad die off.