This was really just me messing about. I'm sorry...

When I was reading the Host for the first time, I didn;t pick up so much on the similarities between characters. After re-reading, however, it slowly dawned on me... and thus, this stupid little OneShot was born. Enjoy! (Or not... you know.)


Once Upon a Time...
A Twilight/Host Crossover FanFiction
By Musings of a Shaken Mind


Once upon a time, the Cullens were walking through some random desert somewhere, sparkling. Of course, this was completely irrational and pretty damn careless because of…you know… the whole sparkling thing.

Alice, the teeny pixie-like one stopped suddenly, her small body shuddering. Jasper looked worried, as did Edward, who was seeing it in her head.

Bella, who was a vampire, of course, extended her shield so that she could hear Edward's thoughts, and Alice's vision. Pretty handy gift, if you ask me. The un-gifted Vamps just looked frustrated.

(If Renesmee were here, she'd probably be being all cute and one-sided and annoying, but she's not, because I hate her. If Renesmee were here, Jacob Black might also be. It's one of the occupational hazards of having a dog discover a crazy fetish for babies. He seems to stalk them. But Jacob Black is not here, because he's a jackass, and I hate him. In fact, if it was up to me, I'd have killed him off in that last battle they had. With the newborns. But it's not up to me. So I have to suck it up and write fanfiction instead. Minus the dog and the Loch Ness monster.)

Alice's vision was pretty odd. In fact, she was having trouble decoding it. Something about a soul, and some renegade humans. Bella caught herself drooling a little over the tall one standing protectively in front of the little blonde child. But she stemmed that thought before Edward caught it. No need for him to overreact.

If there was one thing Edward was good at, it was overreacting.

Just then, Alice's vision came true. As they often did.

Even though they lived in alternative universe from the Cullens, who happened to live in an alternative universe from me, quite a few randoms appeared suddenly, on the horizon. Humans. Jazz could smell their blood, because he's a bloodsucking monster (more so than the rest of them), and he has a kickass sense of smell. He stiffened, and Alice bounced over to him, because apparently she bounces everywhere, and wrapped her teeny arms around him. They barely met, even when she stretched her fingers. She would have to make do with fingertips touching.

"You won't hurt them, Jasper."

Nobody believed her.

--

The humans (plus: one soul) made their way towards the Cullens. But obviously, they didn't know the Cullens were there, because obviously, they don't have cool eyesight like the Cullens. But it didn't matter, because they were headed towards them anyway.

It wasn't till ages later that the humans reached the Cullens. They had given up on standing looking defensive, and were mostly lounging around on the rocks. Rosalie and Alice were trying to work up a tan, while Esme and Bella looked on in amusement. Because obviously, that wasn't very possible. Bella and Esme supposed that it was wishful thinking on Rosalie and Alice's part.

The ridiculously slow humans reached them at last, and the Cullens stood up slowly, stretching like cats.

(An aside—I think that the comparison between Vamps and cats is pretty ridiculous. I mean. Cats are sort of fluffy and cute. And Vampires? Not so much. But whatever.)

"Hello," said Carlisle amiably, because he is generally amiable, even when facing impending doom. I like Carlisle.

Doc, for of course it was he who led the humans, despite the fact that he pretty much never left the cave, replied with a characteristic smile. "Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Doc."

"Hey, you know what?" asked Carlisle.

"What?" countered Doc.

"We're sort of similar."

"Wow—I guess you're right! Even though I'm probably three times your age, young man, and a helluva lot more ugly, it's true that we're pretty similar. Same job… same outlook on life… Weird!"

"Let's be friends!" exclaimed Carlisle, who appeared to be taking on Aro-like qualities.

(Nothing against Aro. I love Aro. He's a great character.)

"Sure thing!" replied Doc, and they hugged.

--

Similar conversations were happening all around.

"Hi!" said Pet/Wanderer/Wanda. "I'm Pet/Wanderer/Wanda!"

"Great," replied Bella brightly, "I'm BellaVamp!"

"Wow," Wanda replied, "Isn't it weird how we're sort of alike?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, maybe it's the suicidal tendencies we share. I mean, really…"

--FLASHBACK—

Hmm, Bella thought to herself, I know what'll be exciting. I think I shall come up with a cunning plan to stab myself, distracting Vicky and possibly the other Vamp that my creator came up with to fill in some gaps. That would be a good idea. My life is nothing without Edward. I seem to have no self-respect whatsoever, but that's great! Because I love Edward!

--END FLASHBACK—

--NEW FLASHBACK—

Hmm, Wanda thought to herself, I know what'll be exciting. I think I shall come up with a cunning plan to hack my hand off, fooling the incredibly-gullible healer. Then I shall somehow convince him/her to leave the room while I nick some stuff. That'll be helpful. I know. It's to save Jamie, so that's okay. Because I love him!

--END FLASHBACK—

"Huh," said BellaVamp, bemused, "I guess you're right."

"Crazy stuff we do for love, eh?"

"Damn right."

--

But it didn't stop there. Oh, no.

Edward was looking Ian over, clearly feeling intimidated. Ian wore a similar expression.

"Why do we look sort of similar?" Ian broke the silence.

"I dunno," replied Edward, slipping way out of character. "Maybe because we're so dang hot. It's like whoever created us ran out of imagination, huh?"

"Yeah, that sounds sort of right…"

"Weird."

"Yep."

A short silence followed.

"So. Um. Are you guys some kind of Soul?"

"Soul?" Edward looked bemused. Until he read the answer from Ian's mind. "Oh, no. Of course not. Gold eyes, see? Not silver."

"Oh, right. Apparently, this creator person has an odd taste in precious metals."

"Hmm."

"Sorry for calling you a soul."

"Sorry for humming at you."

Just then, both Bella and Wanda tripped. Because even though Bella was now a fully-certified Vamp, and therefore unlikely to trip, and Wanda had never shown clumsy tendencies, this conversation sort of needed a point.

Edward caught Wanda, and Ian caught Bella at the same moment. It was sort of awkward for a bit.

"So, um…" Edward started.

"Right… you want to swap?"

"Sure thing."

And, like the anti-feminist people they were, WandererBella obliged.

(Yes, they have now merged into one person. Oh, crap… my improvised name seems a little too similar to the ever hated Renesmee's. Damn. How about… Wandla? Or Belderer? No, too weird. Okay, they will now be referred to as, "Soulvamp". Sort of weird, but ultimately cool.)

--

Just then, Kyle met Emmett.

Naturally, they were exactly the same size. And shape. In fact, they might have been twins. Each one watched the other dubiously.

"Kyle."

"Emmett."

Each one grinned simultaneously at each other.

Kyle was pretty much like Emmett, only angrier. They wrestled. Because that's all they ever seem to do. Naturally, Kyle was flattened by Emmett.

"Dang supernatural strength," muttered Kyle, as Emmett pulled him from the crater they had collectively created. Emmett could not help but agree. It got sort of tiring to never have to work when fighting people.

--

Melanie wandered over to where Soulvamp was hanging out. With a casual wave of her hand, she introduced herself.

"Hey Soul, Vamp. I'm Mel. I'm sort of like this weird combination between Leah Clearwater, Rosalie and Bella-vamp. I'm a hybrid!"

(Soulvamp, to my regret, will now have to be temporarily split.)

Bella wondered why the word, 'hybrid' sounded familiar. But she hurriedly thought of other things. The voice-in-the sky, the one who controlled their actions, and had brought them to this stupid desert in the first place, often made her do painful things when she thought that word. She wondered briefly what a hybrid had ever done to the Voice, and the Voice promptly made Bella burn her own hand off.

Bella screamed in pain. Everyone ignored her, even Edward, who was hitting it off with Ian. Wanda sympathised.

"Don't worry… embrace the pain. Think—it's for the greater good!"

Bella sniffed, "how?"

And just like that, they became one generic character again. One suicidal, generic character.

--

Annoyingly for Rosalie and Alice, there was nobody who *really* fit their characters. Maybe Maggie and Sharon for Rose, and possibly Lilly for Alice, but unfortunately they had been called away on urgent cleaning duties within the caves, so there was nobody for them to buddy up with. They continued brushing up on their non-existent tans.

--

Jared and Jasper looked sort of freaked out, as they watched each other warily.

"Hi. I'm Jared."

"Jasper."

"You know what? Even our names are kind of similar…"

"Huh. I guess you're right. Not to mention, we both sort of hated Soulvamp when she first came."

"Wow, yeah. I hadn't thought of that. Did you know that you have a very organised mind?"

"Why, thank you. I did spend some time in the military, actually…"

"Really? Wow, I wish I could do that. Unfortunately, I have to settle for organising boring raids."

"Doesn't sound boring…"

And they chatted about war and raids and other manly things for ages.

--

Seth, who had become an honorary Cullen, because he was so awesome, was chatting happily to Melanie's little brother, Jamie.

Naturally, they were having the same conversation as everybody else, except that everybody wanted to hug them both, at the same time. Because they were so great. As Jamie and Seth rolled their eyes, over the top of the group hug, they exchanged a few, final words.

"It's a strange world, isn't it?" one asked.

"The strangest," the other replied. The author was having trouble remembering which was which, but that was okay, because they were both awesome. I mean, really.