Disclaimer: I do not Death Note or Captain Planet.
A/N: This is a crackfic. Light may seem out of character...though, strangely enough, I can picture him pulling something like this.
Light Yagami had his exceedingly complicated plan all figured out. He would trick Near into switching the notebooks, but Mikami would bring the real one to the Yellow Box Warehouse, where he would kill everyone but himself and Kira. Everything was going according to plan, and Mikami saw everyone's names with his Shinigami eyes. He'd written down everyone's names, and Light knew that. In five seconds, everyone would be dead.
Light smiled, his evil Kira grin, which he'd become very proud of. "I win, Near."
Near didn't say anything. Oh, how that little albino freak made Light's skin crawl. He really was L's heir.
The five seconds passed, and nothing happened. No one died. Crap muffins.
"I told you no one was going to die," Near said. "I switched the notebooks."
"This is a trap!" Light shouted, "Near set the whole thing up to frame me! It's a trap!"
Near sighed and proceeded to explain his plan.
"…Light Yagami," he said, after he'd finished his lengthy explanation of his equally exceedingly complicated plan to beat Light and Mikami at their own game, "you are Kira."
Light, or Kira, rather, screamed and dropped to the floor of the factory. Suddenly, a demented smile appeared on his face as he stood up.
"No, Near, you're wrong. I'm not Kira…I'm…CAPTAIN KIRA!" Light screamed.
Near raised an eyebrow.
Suddenly, 1980's music began to play out of nowhere. "Captain Kira, he's a hero, bringing the criminals down to zero…"
Near then looked around him. "Where is this music coming from?"
"The world is rotten, Near," Light, aka Captain Kira, began. "Someone had to change it. To make the world a better place! Global crime rates have gone down, and Kira is the law. This is why I've decided to make my own superhero franchise, you see."
"Superhero franchise?" Near repeated.
"Yes, you ingrate!" Light snapped. "I'm a childhood idol known as Captain Kira, the spandex-wearing do-gooder!"
Yes, Light Yagami had lost was little sanity he had left.
"Children aspire to be me when they grow up!" Light continued. "I have become a god of both pop culture and this new world! So what are you going to do, kill me?"
"No…" Near replied. "I wish I could kill that song, though."
"It's my theme song, you imbecile!"
At this point, everyone in the room was shocked. Not that Light was Kira, with the exception of Matsuda, maybe. They were shocked that Light had actually become some sort of superhero. And in spandex, nonetheless.
"Aw, shoot!" Gevanni said, rather suddenly.
Linder looked at him. "What?"
"I got my niece a Captain Kira action figure for her birthday," he said, rather sheepishly.
Captain Kira smiled. "I think you for your patronage. Too bad, though, you're all going to die."
He looked at his wristwatch, and opened the secret slot with a piece of the notebook in it, and pulled out a ballpoint pen, and began to write. N-A-T-E R-I-V-E…
Suddenly, Matsuda stood up, and shot Light several times.
"I have to do it," Matsuda panted, with tears streaming down his face. "This guy has to die! This music is awful! I thought I got rid of Captain Planet in the 1980's!"
"Matsuda, you idiot!" Light gasped. "Who do you think you're shooting at!?"
"Um, you, actually," Matsuda replied, rather matter-of-factly.
Ryuk, who was quiet this entire time, just shook his head. "This is ridiculous."
Light, who was in a bloody mess on the floor, turned to Ryuk. "You'll help me, right?!" he rasped. "Kill them, Ryuk!"
Ryuk shook his head. "I know who I'll kill, all right…"
He picked up his notebook, and began to write in it. L-I-G-H-T Y-A-G-A-M-I.
He turned the notebook so that Light could see what he had written. "No!" Light cried. "You can't kill me! I'm too awesome to die! I'm too sexy! I'm Captain Kira!"
And with that, Light Yagami suffered a fatal heart attack.
Everyone was silent for a few minutes. They were starring at the dead Light, until Near finally spoke up.
"That darn music is still playing…"
Even with Light Yagami gone, Captain Kira still remains in the hearts and minds of little children, and his franchise. To this day, stores still sell Captain Kira lunchboxes and action figures, as well as CDs of his (in)famous theme, which goes something like this:
Misa Amane: Second!
All: GO KIRA!
Light: By all of these Kiras combined, I am CAPTAIN KIRA!
Backup Singers: Captain Kira, he's a hero, bringing the criminals down to zero.
He's our powers god-ified, and he's fighting on the righteous side.
Captain Kira, he's a hero, bringing the criminals down to zero.
Gonna help him bring justice, bad guys who aren't righteous.
L: "You'll pay for this, Captain Kira!"
All: We're all pro-Kira,
You can be, too,
Because helping Kira is the thing to do!
Helping L and his successors is not the way,
Here's what Captain Kira has to say:
Light: "The power is mine!"
A/N: This one was also partially my brother's idea. This is my first crackfic.
I may never look at Captain Planet...or Light Yagami, for that matter...the same way again.