Title: Perfect. Just bloody Perfect

Author: FairyoftheUnderworld

Disclaimer: I own nothing of the world in which this is set. The plot alone is mine.

Warning: Strong Language, Sexual Implications, Suggested Het relationship

A sudden cry shattered through the relative calm of Draco's bathroom.

The razor slipped. "Shit!"

Having escaped his great grandmother's cries, Draco had gone to his gloriously opulent bathroom to 'freshen up'. First up was a nice bath… He was shaving when Pansy screamed.

Dropping his razor with another curse, and still dripping with water and bleeding down his cheek he belted down the corridor. Reaching the study, Draco fell against the door, trying the handle, towel flapping dramatically. "Pansy! You okay!? What happened? Open the door! Pansy!"

On the other side of the door, the chair Pansy had propped against the door rattled menacingly and something greyish blue took fright, hopping over Pansy's prone form and scooting happily into the relatively comforting pile of parchment next to it.

"Pansy! Open the damn door!" The door finally yielding to Draco's tender caring kicks, wand at the ready, he raced into the room. Skillfully tripping over the chair and landing face first- he commented (with dizzying clarity)


before passing out, bent over the chair, and bleeding all over thick pile carpet.

It was in this position that Twilly the House Elf found them when she came to call Master Malfoy for luncheon.

It was some time later, when Draco woke to find himself wrapped in his father's oversized bath robe and lying in a chaise longue in the downstairs lounge. There was a curious stinging in his cheek and his head pounded as though his brain was digging its way out. He groaned and shut his eyes, burying himself further into the soft fleece. A cough from somewhere nearby made his eyes shoot open again. Too fast. His brain had obviously got hold of a pick axe.

"Draco… I hope you are feeling better" Lucius began stiffly, from his seat by the fire. "Luckily, Twilly thought to fetch me before you bled yourself to death" His voice held a hint of mockery and Draco flushed slightly. "Next time you wish to impale yourself on a chair, however, two things to remember! Please wear more clothes-"

"Master Malfoy could have caught a chill! Never in all my years! Master Malfoy is being a bad boy to not wear clothes! Poor Miss Parkinson! Whatever must she have thought! So fortunate she wasn't conscious-"

"-Enough Twilly" His calm voice immediately silenced the hysterical house elf, and he resumed his speech. "-and please don't use the Queen Anne chairs. They cost a criminal amount of money to buy, and you've already managed to get ink on the upholstery" A disapproving eyebrow fixed on Draco's flushed face.

"When Pansy has also revived we'll be going to St. Mungo's to get you both checked out."

With that Lucius rose, cane in hand toward the door.

"Wait! Dad! You know we weren't doing anything… you know-"

Lucius turned back, "I honestly don't want to know what you were doing, but just be careful" He kissed his son lightly on the forehead, avoiding the duck egg lump.

"But really Dad, we weren't doing any-"

Lucius winked from the door, "Always use protection!" and fled chuckling, as a small projectile was hurled at him.

Upstairs, the small grey thing, blinked peacefully, and deciding that the danger was past, shuffled back under the desk, and settled into its nest.

Draco sat sulkily, swinging his legs in time to the beat of a tinny radio the receptionist was playing. He had been here for so long, that it was all he could do to not start whining "It's not faiiiir," and had indeed been contemplating forgetting his age and kicking up a fully blown tantrum, when:

"Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson?" The receptionist cooed, batting her eyelashes at Malfoy Senior, who to his credit ignored her steadily. "You're in Room 30 with …" the girl pouted and checked her list "Trainee Assistant Healer Chadwick." Flicking her hair, she settled her adoring gaze once more on Lucius. A weedy looking, adenoidal man who had appeared at the doorway, loosening his collar and visibly sweating, stuck out his hand, shaking slightly. Lucius turned back to the receptionist. Removing his glove, he placed a gentle hand on hers, staring back into her eyes soulfully, "…Is there no one else we could…have…? Someone more…senior…?" The girl melted. Just before she passed out completely she called out. "Healer Smethwyck…room…45…" Lucius removed his hand quickly, and strode purposefully down the corridor, past Trainee Assistant Healer Chadwick with his outstretched hand, with nary a glance. Chadwick looked crushed. Pansy and Draco shared a look and skirted past Chadwick awkwardly.

"Right! So you two had a bit of a tumble!" Smethwyck was a voluble man, with a short but virulent beard, ensconcing vast planes of his face in thick wiry orange hairs. "According to the report by the receptionist… you are both males, 6 feet tall, with beautiful complexions and athletic builds. Both blonde with piercingly brutal and manly blue eyes, your shoulders are objects to die for" Smethwyck shot a look at Lucius. "Somehow I think her attentions were elsewhere." Lucius coughed.

"Yes well, we'll start with Master Malfoy first, so if you'll just follow me, we'll take a quick look at that nasty bruise on your head" Smethwyck hmmed and haahed, prodding and poking until he reached the conclusion:

"Nothing for it! I'm afraid you'll have to wait it out! I'm a great believer in letting nature take its course" He smiled jovially, as Lucius' look darkened. "Ditto, for that shaving cut! Nature will of course pass by, and it will heal in no time! Better still; don't shave in the first place! Wouldn't catch me with a cut like that now, would you?" He burst into hearty chuckles and patted his beard, under which his three chins bounced merrily. Draco just smiled unpleasantly in reply.

"Now Miss Parkinson m'dear, I don't think you're at risk of concussion, but do you have any recollection of what may have triggered your faint?" At Pansy's shake of the head, Draco supplied helpfully, "She screamed"

"OH! Oh hoh hoh! Did she now?" He leered, "What do you suppose that means…? Was it perhaps your barely-there appearance that sparked off-"

"No." Pansy and Draco replied simultaneously. Lucius just maintained a stony indifference and continued to stare into the gardens outside.

"Well Nature does some funny things; maybe we should peg it up to her tricksy ways, hm? Nothing to worry about in that case, Nature will prevail" He smiled again, and creakingly went to open the door.

"Well, thank you for you insightful diagnosis…err…Healer Smethwyck, I assure you, we go away, very well informed on the passage of…err.. Nature." With a cold smile, Lucius swept away, his two wards trailing after him, annoyed.

When they were sufficient distance away from the hospital, Lucius seized them both by the shoulder, and the last thing Draco heard before the cold hand of apparation filled him, was the snarl of his father. "Last time I bother to butter up the secretary."

Free buttering for reviewers :D I'm sorry I know it's a touch short again... But I'm trying to make them longer!