Disclaimer: Don't own, etc., etc. Joss Whedon rules supreme and retains pretty much everything. Only written for personal enjoyment and because this plot bunny just wouldn't die, even after some serious staking…
Summary: Occurs after Brother, Unfortunately Mine. Rating 18 for sexual references. The sibling theme is not entirely played out …
HOW TO KILL YOUR (PSYCHO) BOYFRIEND IN ONE HARD LESSON
Chapter 1 – Culture Shock
It was Illyria, god to a god, God-King of the Primordium, Commander of the Host of the Armies of Doom, Walker of Worlds, victor of innumerable brutal battles to obtain, retain and then expand and maintain its empire to an extent unimaginable to lesser beings – which was pretty much everyone else. It was therefore fully awake and alert within a second of sensing the change in air pressure near it. Finding no threat in the apartment ceiling above, it turned its attention to the empty space in the bed next to it, ears tracking the soft pad of its mate's bare feet as he went down the steps from this sleeping nest. In complete silence, Illyria rolled this body to a different position on the bed and watched through the railings as its mate walked to a large wooden cupboard and removed something, a scroll, that he laid on the kitchen table.
Illyria watched incuriously as its mate carefully removed a small section from the scroll and then standing up, went and took down one of the photograph frames on the wall. Instead of images, the trio of frames contained faux parchment decorative scripts – one in a dead tongue called Sanskrit, one of little pictures called Egyptian Hieroglyphs an also extinct language, and one of little squiggles called Classic Greek. Removing this final one from the frame, Illyria's mate crumpled it and tossed it casually into the trashcan, before replacing it with the section it had torn from the scroll and putting the frame back on the wall hook where it hung next to the others, looking as if what was in it was what had always been in it.
Illyria was indifferent, instead watching the pleasing motion of muscles over it's mate's skeleton. Humans had always seemed such a weak species, lacking any sort of offensive horns, spines or defensive armour; most of it's vital organs were crammed in the same small place, making it easy to kill. In theory that was; the species possessed an extraordinary resilience, surviving and recovering from injuries Illyria's own kind would have died from. Their fragile-looking skeleton was in fact more flexible than it appeared, and if given opportunity, would heal from even multiple fractures. Even with all limbs inoperative or most of its body non-functional, a human could still be of use to other members of its species. Like that 'Hawking' human that Wesley admired. Illyria's species would have killed anything with such a useless body, but though that human male's physical body was inoperative, he was revered as one of the greatest scholars of his species, possessing a rather remarkable grasp of the many dimensions, considering humanity's limited intelligence.
Wesley-human sat down at the table and began to write something, tracing the scroll with his finger, but Illyria was not interested. What did interest it was the fact that Wesley had taken the time to don on his briefs before he left their nest…or bed as he called it….even though only he and his mate were present. Illyria found this taboo about 'underwear' very confusing.
In the morning, 'moving into' Wesley's apartment had caused Fred-human to reach such a state of agitation that Illyria had simply taken over the process, transferring Fred human's clothing and other necessities from her lair to Wesley's lair – apartment as he called it – by the time Fred and Wesley-human would customarily leave to go the big palace where they worked with the vampire, Angel.
Illyria had taken careful note of how much pleasure its mate seemed to be experiencing from the fact that Fred-human was now staying in his la- apartment, even though Illyria was not doing mating things to his body, or even touching him. To Illyria's confusion, Wesley-human had seemed uncomfortable as he put away in drawers Fred-human's lan-jher-ay, even though the small scraps of smooth cloth seemed to carry no mystical power. Illyria had gone to the palace with its mate, but when it had gone into Fred-human's 'lab' lair, it had changed it's mind and instead left the building to the places that humans got things they wanted from by giving other humans green paper.
As it examined many examples of this lan-jher-ay, which the humans wrote as lingerie in their funny scratchy language, Illyria became even more uncertain. Humans, at least in this land, were not in the slightest bit bothered by images of other humans that were nude; however, they reacted with startling fury when one of their kind inadvertently displayed these undergarments while wearing them. Humans spent a lot of time writing and talking about these things that were specially designed to cover the human sex organs, though Illyria had initially not been impressed by their flimsy construct and lack of protective armour. They were made of many things – synthetic human materials, plus plant and animal products like cotton and silk. Some were plain while others were decorated with bits of ribbon and lace.
Large parts of the many books Illyria had read in the library when preparing to first claim Wesley-human as its mate had dealt with 'lingerie'; wearing certain kinds of this lingerie could make a female even more desirable to a male. The 'best' kinds of lingerie were those of silk and lace. Eventually Illyria had located a place called Victoria's Secret, which specialised in these things, and had gone inside. After trying on many different types of this underwear, Illyria had found that the silky things were actually very comfortable against it's host skin, unlike some of the synthetic fibres that had rubbed. The female humans at the place had been very happy when Illyria had used Wesley's 'kre-dit ka-rd' and bought many of them.
Bringing them back to Wesley's apartment, Illyria had left them there and returned to the big palace, and allowed the Fred human to take over when the other dead-but-living, Spike, had come with the green demon and the warrior human male from Pylea and the young female human. As far as Illyria could ascertain as it allowed its human host to temporarily control the body, the young female was being pursued by a male that wished to mate with her, but she did not wish to mate. However, the male would not accept this, and intended to force the female to mate. Illyria did not quite grasp why the female had not simply killed the male – none of it's own species would ever persist if another did not wish to congress, or it would have been slaughtered. However, apparently female human bodies lacked the physical strength of human male bodies and therefore the female had come to the males to help it killed the errant male that pursued it…
To be continued in Chapter 2…
© 2008, C. D. Stewart