Hello! This is my third Fan Fiction, my other two being All New La Tua Canante and Twilight. But this is my first attempt at a funny story. My other two were serious and I'm not feeling too confident about making this one a comedy. Although I don't see how it could be written any other way. The story is based after Breaking Dawn. Your support will be greatly appreciated! Please review and let me know if you have any ideas for the story or tell me what you think of it. Thank you and enjoy.
Bella Cullen's POV.
My vampire senses are tingling!
Edward is approaching!
Take evasive action! I thought as I shoved the 4 books in my lap underneath our monstrous bed. I would be forever grateful to my shield for keeping this secret from Edward for so long. And I truly hope he will never find out. It is my dirty little secret. Although I'm sure Alice must have some idea about it with her future-seeing and all. But she hasn't said anything to me about it so I can't be sure.
"Bella?" Edward called in his velvety voice. I knew my heart would have been in over-drive if I had still been human. Would I never get used to that voice?
"Yes Edward?" I stood up rapidly and took a few steps toward the door.
"Renesmee hates me!" he sobbed dramatically and I couldn't help but laugh.
I strode quickly into Renesmee's room and pulled her into my arms. My darling daughter now looked to be about 5 or 6 and her mahogany curls tickled my cheek as she pressed her chin into my shoulder.
"What did that nasty man do to you?" I asked her, purposely filling my voice with false concern. I knew Edward would never ever hurt his daughter.
"We were having a spelling contest and..." her voice trailed off as she pressed her hand to my cheek to show me what happened instead of trying to explain it.
Through her eyes I saw her sitting on a rock outside and spelling words that Edward threw at her, words such as; Presbyteria,Czechoslovaki, ambidextrous and bivouacking. But when it was Edward's turn she had asked him to spell - as she was currently going through the Mary Poppins phase. And Edward had said;
When Nessie had cried that it was wrong and that he was disqualified he had argued;
"Well you spell it then if you're so smart," and much to his amazement she spelt it correctly.
"Mummy I won right?" she asked me as she pulled her hand away from my cheek.
"Of course honey, Daddy is just a bad loser," I told her, not looking at Edward as I said this.
" I DID NOT LOSE! Everyone knows that there is only three Ls in !" he yelled before taking off out the door, chanting; "S-U-P-E-R-C-A-L-A-F-R-A-G-A-L-I-S-T-I-C-E-X-P-I-A-L-A-D-O-C-I-O-U-S" as he ran toward the house.
"He'll be back. But maybe you should go to sleep before he does because he'll probably be a whole lot angrier by then when he finds out that he IS wrong," I told Renesmee, placing her under her covers before kissing her forehead and turning out the lights as I left her room.
I sat back down on the floor in Edward and my room, "You can come out now gorgeous," I told my dirty little secret as I peered under the bed.
Edward Cullen's POV.
I am not wrong. I am not wrong. I am not wrong. I am not wrong. I am not wrong. I am not wrong. I told myself over and over again as I approached the house. I am never wrong! That last thought made me smile. I practically flew up the few steps onto the balcony, throwing the door open. It hit the outside wall with a satisfying crack and then slammed behind me.
I took a few steps into the house then stopped, seeing no one was there to greet me. I reached up to the collar of my shirt and flicked it up. Elvis style. I thrust my thumbs into the front pockets of my jeans and loped forward, totally cool-like.
"ALICE! ESME! CALISLE! EMMET! JASPER! ROSALIE! GET DOWN HERE NOW!" I yelled into the house.
"What ever is the problem, dearest Edward?" Carlisle asked in concern as he suddenly appeared in front of me.
I held up a finger, waiting for the others. And soon enough they were all gathered around me. Alice tsking me about my chosen outfit and my popped collar.
"How many Ls are there in ?" I asked hurridly. The others all stared at me as if I had gone insane. "Bella wants to know," I quickly lied. They continued staring at me. "She wants to go on this hot new Australian gameshow called Temptation." I explained. The others nodded. " She's been cramming her tiny, miniscule vampire brain with random information about random topics," I elaborated. Starting to feel very confident in my completely awesome web of lies.
The others all dropped their gazes, muttering under their breaths. I managed to catch all of their thoughts;
' I wonder if I could get that flying broomstick from Mary Poppins, it would certainly help keep the house clean...oh wait, it was an umbrella. Never mind!' - Esme.
'Wait! What was the question again? And when was the last time I washed my hair...? hmmmm...' - Rosalie
'S-U-P-E-R-C-A-L...okay that's one...-A-F-R-A-G-A-L...okay that's two...-I-S-T-I-C-E-X-P-I-A-L...okay that's...umm...what comes after two again?' -Emmet
' Hmmmmmmmm...when was the last time I hunted? Renesmee is sounding surprisingly delicious right about now...If I could just sneak away for a few moments...' - Jasper
'Last year I was able to memorise the entire English dictionary. So first I flick to S...then to SU...SUP...SUPE...WOW! Super! That is a freakin' awesome word! I'm going to start using it from now on. "Edward you and Bella are being super noisy over there, do you think you can turn it down a notch?" PERFECT! Muhahahahaha!' - Carlisle
'NO! Could Edward finally be on to my master plan to become a super hero with the catch phase; " and beyond!" OMG I absolutely love Buzz Lightgear! That's it! For Halloween Jasper can be Buzz! Yay! Time to go into some serious planning!' -Alice
Then they all looked up simultaneously and said; "I don't know,"
Someone snorted. It was then that I realised there was a truly horrible smell coming from the dining room.
"What is it, dog?" Rosalie asked him, taking a few steps toward him.
"It's Black. Jacob Black." he said, looking up from the huge book he was pouring himself over. "And by my calculations will be in the S section of this particularly large dictionary that no one thought to look in."
With that he flipped the book back to the beginning and started turning pages, one by one.
3491 Pages later.
"OW! Paper cut!" Jacob yelled and we all sighed in frustration. Then he shrugged it off and continued turning pages, one by one.
5 Pages later.
"Hey!" Carlisle yelled, grabbing Jacob's bloody finger and holding it to his own face. "You're bleeding," he exclaimed.
"Please don't eat me!" Jacob cried, pulling his finger away and hiding under the table.
Carlisle growled and grabbed the collar of Jacob's shirt, wrenching him up again. "You got blood on my DICTIONARY!" he yelled and tossed Jacob out the window.
Bella Cullen's POV.
"Mawhahahaha!" I cackled in delight. As I stoked my dirty little secret's smooth surface like it was a cat. "My Precious!" I cooed, hugging it to my chest.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Damn, Edward's coming home. I sighed and pushed my dirty little secret off my lap and under the bed.
I figured he would be in a rotten mood so I planned to lighten it up a bit by pulling off my clothes. I quickly clambered onto the bed and started at the door.
"Yes Edward," I called in the sexist voice I could muster.
"Oh. Bella..." he said as he reached our bedroom door.
I waved and he pounced on me.
"Feel better?" I asked as I stared up at the ceiling.
"Definitely," Edward sighed and much as I tried I couldn't suppress a giggle.
Then he rolled on top of me again, making out with my neck.
"Yes dear," he mumbled into my throat.
"Renesmee will be awake soon...and we kinda need to feed her..."
"Oh. Damn." he said as he rolled off me again.
I sat up and quickly strode into the wardrobe before Edward could make up an excuse to let Renesmee feed herself. I let a light blue satin dress slide over me until it settled in place. Then I quickly got out of the cosy wardrobe before Edward could come in and got my baby girl out of her bed, dressing her quickly.
"Mummy is Daddy still angry?" she asked me, obviously worried.
"Nope. Mummy and Daddy worked it all out last night."
"Is that what all the noise was about?"
"Uhhh. Yeah." I told her. "Ready for breakfast?" I asked, trying to steer her clear of any subject that involved her Daddy and Mummy making noise last night in bed. Because of course noise wasn't the only thing we were making...
Renesmee nodded and we sped off to the main house, leaving Edward alone.
"NESSIE!" Jake yelled as he greeted us on the balcony. I let him pry her out of my arms. "Guess what Grampa did to me last night?"
Renesmee didn't answer.
" He threw me out a effing window!" Jake yelled.
"Jake language please!" He rolled his eyes at me. "That wouldn't have something to do with a certain word...beginning with S would it?"
"Do we have to play eye spy now Bella? I'm hungry!" he moaned.
I looked around cautiously and hoped that Edward wasn't in hearing range. " ?" I whispered and Jacob screamed, dropping Renesmee on the floor where she started to cry.
"Awwww! Baby!" Rosalie cooed as she picked Renesmee off the floor. Where had she come from? Oh yeah, vampire speed! I'm so blonde sometimes!
"Why do you want to go on a game show in Australia, Bella?" she asked me.
"WHAT?" I yelled, I didn't even know there was such a thing called Australia. But then maybe Rosalie had meant Austria.
"Yeah, you needed to know how many Ls there are in , last night."
"No...that was Edward, he and Nessie were having a spelling contest...show her sweetie," And with that Renesmee pressed her hand to Rosalie's cheek.
I hope everyone enjoyed that first chapter and will therefore continue reading the other chapters when they come out! Please Review.