This is off of Yorkie Lover's "The Gelphiyero Problem", to which Elphaba claims that Galinda might get a religion named after her if she were to ever discover the cure for the Wicked section's original-fiction-itis. Basically, let's pretend that Galinda emailed the owners of the site, commanding them to replace the name "Wicked" under Misc., to "Wicked, Musical", like they did with the "Cats" section. Because, in all honestly, this author thinks that would be the best way. But . . . let's just pretend.
How-to-Become-A-Galindite Guide for Cretins
This is the study and guide for Galindism, the new religion that's sweeping the nation, blowing people's heads off and watching them roll merrily down alleyways and into public schools. It's Galindism! This is chapter one of The Big Bad Book of Galindism—How-to-Become-A-Galindite Guide for Cretins. (The author would like to point out that she really doesn't think of all her readers as actual cretins, just as strange, obsessed individuals. But that's perfectly okay.)
This work of art is disclaimed from Yorkie Lover's "The Gelphiyero Problem" and Zarrian's "WICKED The soap opera!" to which this is based off of at a minimum.
First thing's first, you must purchase this book—it will be your technical bible. So, if you're just reading this randomly off a bookstore's shelf and don't actually intend to buy it, then you must change your plans and buy The Big Bad Book of Galindism for a very reasonable price at your local retailer. Please ensure that one does not pick up The Big Bad Book of Elphabism—no, "Galindism". If a certain person is reading this, and would rather pick up the "Elphabism" book, then they should put this one down and get the heck out of its sight—because Elphabism is for those certain wannabe-poser-limes.
Pt. one—looking like it
When wanting to become a member of the ever-faithful Galindism religion, you must first become blonde, or either pretend to be blonde. Either would work, as a wig would suffice, or just plain lying about it no matter how much your companion argues about it. (FYI, ignore them, they're jealous.) Either way, a blonde you must be, inside and/or out. Otherwise, this religion shall never work for you and you will be constantly mocked by other Galinditians.
Once you have turned blonde physically or mentally, you've taken your first step in following this religion and passing it down, through the generations, from your child, to their child, to their child, to their cat.
Next, the reader must develop and uncanny sense of what is "in" and what is "out". Galindism followers look very highly to fashion designers—look into it as a career. So fashion is a must—that means no wearing shorts or skirts over jeans. NO. And, for anyone who thinks otherwise, green and red to not look good together, savvy? (This author cares not whether they're complimentary colors—and since Galinda doesn't celebrate Christmas—I ask you: WHY BOTHER!) Pink and green go quite nicely, but anything redder than that is a no-no. Capiche?
Stick to the Galindite Matching Colors code:
1. I will never try to match two blues together. There are too many shades of blue.
2. I will never try to match black together, because: *see above*, and because one does not try to match black unless wanting to be goth-ooo.
3. I will not try to follow the complimentary code just because it says that two colors compliment each other, because this only means that they make one stand out and look stupid in a crowd.
4. I will not try to match two wild cat prints—leopard print + tiger print = ewww.
5. I will realize that a lighter shade of another color usually looks good, but will look bad if those colors are too close.
6. I will never wear yellow-brown; it is the color of puke, to be frank.
7. I will never wear primary colors—red, yellow, and blue—together, because, ew, I'll look like a clown.
8. I will realize that black and white together are specifically for formal occasions.
9. I will realize that a violently bright yellow is too flashy.
10. I will realize that a deeper kind of yellow is also puke-y.
11. I will realize that, being a blonde, pink naturally matches me!
12. I will realize that since I am a now blonde, I am (probably) a "Summer", and will try to pick colors to flatter my skin tone.
13. I will realize that even if I am not a "Summer", I will still pick colors to flatter a "Summer" skin tone, because I will pretend that I am a "Summer".
The suitable stores to shop at for fashionable clothing are:
Abercrozbie & Foztch
The NON-suitable stores are:
Oz Topic is NON-suitable store because one following Galindism does not wish to be a goth-o freak-oooooo.
Woz-Mart and Tozrget are NON-suitable because of the obvious—cheap-o stores, much?!
Nooowww, you should look like it. Look like what, you say? LOOK LIKE A TRUE GALINDITE.
Pt. two—acting/talking/walking like it
The next step in becoming a beautiful, perfect, snazzy Galindite goddess is to Talk-The-Talk. The Talk is what I say The Talk is—and The Talk is so important that it must be capitalized. Under no circumstances will The Talk not be capitalized. Otherwise the Galindite who does not capitalize 'The Talk' shall have their customary Galindite badge taken away and find herself stripped of Galindism rights. ('The Walk' must also always be capitalized, but that shall be talked of later.)
Basically, The Talk is your diction. Basically. The words you choose, and how they are presented. To make things easier, I've made up a list of appropriate words used by Galindites, to replace the more ordinary vocabulary:
A. Scadalacious—this word would replace scandalous. E.g.: "My boyfriend is scandalacious."
B. Loverly—replacing lovely, and being jazzy about it. E.g.: "You, my dear, are loverly."
C. Cutical—not to refer to the little thinger on your fingers, no, it replaces the word cute. E.g.: "Aren't puppies cutical?"
D. Beautilicious—replacing the pathetic word beautiful. E.g.: "I find a blonde beautilicous."
E. Ozmopolitan—this replaces cosmopolitan, a very stupid word anyway. E.g.: "That's so ozmopolitan!"
F. Prettiful—to express in place of the word pretty. E.g.: "Galinda is very prettiful."
G. Sexalicious—to express someone being sexy. E.g.: "Fiyero is sexalicious."
H. Populer—since Galinda can't sing the word correctly. E.g.: "You're gonna be populer . . . I mean, LAR."
I. Braverism—to be brave. E.g.: "Elphie, you are full of bbbbbraverism!"
J. Outuendo—it comes after Innuendo. E.g.: "Outuendo is . . . better than innuendo? Better out than in, right?"
K. Thrillifying—to say the word thrilling with a bit of pizzazz! E.g.: "This is actually quite thrillifying!"
So, one must try to incorporate as much of this vocabulary as possible into their everyday lives . . . to be a Galindite.
Next, one must Walk the Walk, which happens to very much have the same concept as talking The Talk. So you must Walk the Walk, and Talk the Talk. Sound familiar? I thought not.
So, to do The Walk, basically, you must walk as though you've got a pole up thy butt. Not a pretty thought, really, but it's the basic premises, and best way to "tell it how it is".
Now, for those certain individuals who have never had a pole up their butt, to walk so you must stand straight, hold your head up high (no tucking the chin in, ladies), puff out the chest (because this is. The. Walk.), and strut your stuff by swinging the hips and generally just looking confident. Don't forget to SMILE and watch everyone whisper, severely amazed, "Hey thar, Joe, that there girl's a Galindite."
The last bit of information in this chapter is acting like you're a Galindite.
NO POUTY FACE IN PUBLIC.
If you feel like having a good cry, lock yourself in the closet and shove some fabric down your esophagus but, Good Oz, don't cry in public; it ruins reputations.
So ALWAYS SMIIIILLLEEE~
AND NEVEEEERRR FROOOOWNNN UNLESS YOU ARE ALONE.
Also, you must be charitable. "I am a good person"—that's you motto. Memorize it, love it, feel it, eat it. Live by the motto, and you will go far.
Donate = live/learn. Capiche? And be sure to donate heartily. And to remind everyone how wonderful you are.
Okay, that wraps up this chapter. The Big Bad Book of Galindism shall consist of three individual chapters—the How-To chapter (this one), the Scenario chapter (which will primarily explain the do's and don'ts of social interaction), and the last chapter, which will be the Questions chapter. You ask you Galindism-related questions (anything not gone over), and I shall try to come up with a rule or something that best explains what you should/should not do.
So, last but not least, these are the holy artifacts of Galindism:
The Big Bad Book of Galindism is basically like your holy bible.
Galinda's favorite stores are your churches (she will call regular meetings at these places).
Galinda is your Goddess (duh).
Popular, No One Mourns the Wicked, Thank Goodness, and I'm Not that Girl (Reprise), are your MAIN religious music. (But you should worship all of the Wicked songs, anyway.)
And . . . that's all there is, because Galinda really doesn't like thinking too much about these things. She figures that the simpler it is the better. Says it hurts her brain (and this author's ;___;). So she's gonna leave it at this.
This author would also like to point out that she in no way was trying to bash religion, Galinda, Wicked, or and didn't mean any other possible offensive property located within the text. Thank you.