A/N – I'm sorry, I don't know why. But Lucius just begs to be parodied.
Interviewer: Good evening, Mr Malfoy.
Lucius: God, I knew it was going to be one of those days.
Interviewer: Um, right. May I call you Lucius?
Lucius: No, you may not.
Interviewer: Fair enough, fair enough. So, my first question is: How are you finding life in Azkaban?
Lucius: Well, it's comfortable enough. Apart from the rats nibbling at my ears when I'm sleeping, I can't really complain. The view of the roaring, stormy sea I have out of my cell window is quite relaxing, once you get used to it. And, as you can probably tell, the fetching aroma of urine really adds to the general atmosphere of the place.
Interviewer: Oh, right! Well, then… one might almost go so far as to say that you're actually quite enjoying yourself in here!
Lucius: Of course not!
Interviewer: But… you just said-
Lucius: Please, don't blame yourself.
Interviewer: I wasn't-
Lucius: It's completely my own fault. I should have known that a mere plebeian would be unable to grasp the subtleties of irony.
Interviewer: Oh, right. Yeah… Good one!
Lucius: (rolling his eyes and muttering) God save us.
Interviewer: Yes… um… how are your wife and son holding up without you?
Lucius: Well, no doubt Narcissa is lamenting my absence… not least because the Ministry froze my assets upon my arrest. And as she constantly reminds me, she can't possibly survive without this pair of diamond earrings or that couture bustier from Paris… oh yes, darling Cissa, that's what I've worked myself half to death for all these years – so that you can afford to drape yourself in tawdry frivolity. Some say marriage is merely an institution. I disagree. It's nothing more than a drain on resources, is what it is.
Interviewer: Oh… is your marriage not a happy one, then?
Lucius: (shrugs) It's pleasant enough.
Interviewer: Right... it's just you… oh, never mind. And how about your son?
Lucius: Which one?
Interviewer: Er… the one you have with your wife.
Lucius: Ah, you mean Draco! Well, let's just say he's his mother's son through and through. All I've heard for sixteen years is 'Daddy, I want a pony! Daddy, I want a party!' And let's not mention his ongoing schoolboy crush on the Potter boy. Honestly, a good portion of me actually hopes he might own up to his feelings, as that might at least make him vaguely interesting in some way. Besides, if he were to declare his love for a half-blood, it would give me a valid excuse to disown the little brat.
Interviewer: So… your family are missing you, then?
Lucius: OF COURSE THEY'RE MISSING ME, WEREN'T YOU LISTENING?
Interviewer: (cowers) I'm sorry!
Interviewer: Sorry, um, okay... (shuffles papers) Does your incarceration cause you to feel any remorse for the crimes you have committed?
Lucius: Let me make this perfectly clear: I don't regret what I've done, I just regret getting caught.
Interviewer: So you're saying that you don't regret the part you played in the deaths of hundreds of You Know Who's enemies?
Lucius: Regret? My dear fellow, do you regret stepping on ants as you make your way to work every morning?
Interviewer: Well, maybe on some level-
Lucius: Of course you don't! Because the end justifies the means!
Interviewer: Well, I'm not too sure about-
Lucius: (Speaks without moving his lips) Not too sure about…?
Interviewer: (hastily) Nothing, nothing.
Interviewer: (coughs nervously) Er…
Lucius: (sigh) When you're ready.
Interviewer: Yes, um…Why did you deny being involved with Voldemort after his downfall? (cowers slightly)
Lucius: Two words: Political advancement, baby!
Interviewer: That's three words.
Interviewer: (Panicky) I'm sorry, carry on with what you were saying.
Lucius: Well, if I'd admitted that I'd been involved with a supposedly evil overlord, then that would affect my prospective political career in a negative way, no?
Interviewer: Yes, I suppose it would. But what convinced you to follow You Know Who in the first place?
Lucius: Well, there were the fundamental reasons, such as my thirst for power and a lust for vengeance on all those who have ever vexed me. But the main factor that made me stay with him for as long as I did was the women.
Interviewer: The women?
Lucius: Oh, yes! I mean, women claim they don't want a bastard, but they do. They all do. Believe me; my bed was rarely empty during my years serving the Dark Lord. Not that it was during his fall, either, but-
Interviewer: Um, sorry, I know this is a bit of a personal question, but… aren't you married?
Lucius: Yes. Is there a problem?
Interviewer: No, no. Er… sorry, but I just need to ask this… what would you say if, theoretically, I were to put it to you that you are a complete and utter twat?
Lucius: I'm rich. I have five mansions in England alone. I'm charming, intelligent, and devilishly attractive, to boot. I have a beautiful wife, a string of equally gorgeous mistresses, and a handsome son who worships the ground I walk on. Who's the twat now?
Interviewer: Well, I can't argue with that. Thank-you for your time, Mr Malfoy! And may I congratulate you on all your successes! I mean, apart from ending up in here, you know, but I'm sure they'll let you out… sometime… in the next… 25 years…
Interviewer: (Backs slowly out of the room)