There was someone who once said time can heal all wounds, no matter how big and small, steep or shallow. Wounds, despite their size or depth, can inflict pain upon anyone. Sometimes it is short, and for those unlucky ones, sometimes it can be long. And then there are those like me; those who never stop feeling the pain, the depression, the sentiment of utter loss.
Every day I wake up to this feeling. Every day I open my eyes and know that I am alone. Miserable. Afraid. No matter how hard I try, I cannot shake these feelings from my mind. I cannot escape. The moment I try, I am hurled back into an even deeper depression, an even deeper sense of empathy and remorse. There is no point in running away anymore. There is no point in letting these morose thoughts deplete my life.
No point. No point.
And yet here I am. Ever since Edward left, everything has changed. At times, I find it hard to breathe, especially at night when I toss and turn and imagine Edward there, caressing my face with his cold, heavenly hand. The hand that adored touching my hair, my neck, and all of the places that set my whole body on fire in a way that was more intimate than it was natural.
Our love wasn't just any ordinary love. It wasn't the kind of love that you read in books, watched in movies, or experienced when you were just a kid. It was the kind that only teenagers could dream about, and I was fortunate enough to have made it a reality.
Everything had felt so surreal that I actually wondered countless of times if it had actually happened. But now that it was gone, the realization that, yes, it had been real, was all too strong. Too soon had reality dissipated only to be reduced by cruel, heartless memories that would never truly suffice. It had all happened so fast, yet the truth had sunk in so slow. Edward was gone.
It was like a dull ache that would never go away, no matter how hard I try, how hard I fought. I feel like I'm drowning, being pulled down by a weight that refused to break. The only hope I have is to reach, reach for something floating at the surface. A speck of light, gleaming in the darkness. A twinge of hope, breaking through the dawn.
I never wanted to believe that Edward would someday leave. The thought was absurd and too confusing to properly comprehend. And yet, it had happened. The day had come where Edward was no longer a part of my life. No one had told me that living without your soul mate could be so hard, so unbearable. Someone did, however, once say that time healed all wounds.
Yet they failed to indicate what kind.
They say the first time won't ever last
But that didn't stop me, the first time he laughed
All my friends tried to warn me the day that we met
"Girl, don't you lose your heart yet"
But his dark eyes dared me with danger
And sparks fly like flame to a paper
Fire in his touch burning me up, but still I held on
Because I was already gone
I snapped back to reality as Charlie began waving his dinner fork in front of my face, a thoughtful frown creasing his lips as he began to stare at me. Offering him a weak, apologetic smile, I glanced down and felt sick to my stomach as I noticed the food that was lying, untouched, on my plate. I wasn't hungry.
I was never hungry, not since that day when, I flinched as I recalled the word, Edward, left me.
"Bella," my father demanded firmly, "Eat."
I sighed. Why did I have to have such a controlling father? Didn't he understand that I was in pain?
"Bella," Charlie warned, "If you do not take one bite of that food, I'm going to have to do something."
"Like what?" I murmured flatly, "Ground me? I don't care. I'm not going anywhere, anyway."
A muscle jerked in Charlie's jaw. I bit down on my bottom lip, feeling guilty for having made him upset. Just because I was in pain, didn't mean I should make him suffer because of it. Picking up my fork, I ate a bite of my meat and swallowed.
I tasted nothing.
What was the point of eating when I couldn't taste anything?
Standing up, I murmured quietly to Charlie, "There, I ate a bite. I'll be up in my room." Turning quickly to avoid seeing the pained expression on his face, I escaped from the kitchen and ran up the stairs, eager to be left alone once more.
After about thirty minutes of doing absolutely nothing, I couldn't stand it anymore. The silence was killing me. So, heaving myself up off the bed, I tip-toed towards my window. I had to go somewhere, anywhere but here.
And so I did something that I had never at all imagined myself doing; I opened the window and attempted to slide out.
It was then that I realized two things.
One: I lived in a two-story house.
Second: I was not a vampire.
And so I could not possibly shimmy down the wall without purposefully killing myself in the process.
Think, Bella, I told myself, hearing the sound of the television from downstairs and knowing that Charlie would be too occupied watching it to even notice my absence. Good. If I was quick, I might be able to slip back in before he went to bed. But how on earth would I be able to slip out…
And then I remembered that one time, when Jacob had swung himself from a tree branch and flung himself into my room that night he asked for me to forgive him. But that had been Jacob; he always did something stupid. But then again, I was always the one who got in nasty predicaments.
Fair was fair.
Okay, Bella, you can do this. I lifted the window seal all the way up and positioned myself in a way that was preferable. I planted my feet firmly on the window and with my hands, grasped the edge in a vain attempt to not fall.
I stared intently at the tree branch that was closest to the window, and my bottom lip began to tremble. If Jacob could do this, I told myself reassuringly after a moment or two of mentally freaking out, so can I.
And with that single, insane thought filling my mind and bursting my confidence, I flung myself from the window and towards the branch.
That was the moment I heard it.
A low, frantic growl piercing through the darkness.
I gasped in mid-flight and all concentration was lost. I was now falling and I wasn't even close to the tree branch.
I clamped my mouth shut to muffle a scream.
I love you, Edward, was my last coherent thought as I closed my eyes and anticipated death.
What I did not anticipate, however, was falling into somebody's arms instead.
I gasped, hearing the person let out a deep grunt right next to my ear before landing on the ground, yet still managing to keep his arms tight around my waist.
The whole time I had fallen, I had not felt a thing.
I kept my eyes shut, afraid to open them. What if it was him? But wait…
I turned around in the persons arms, my eyes still closed, and stretched. He had long legs, which I could tell because my feet did not touch his, even when I was stretching. It couldn't be Edward, because all the times that I had laid in bed with him…I grimaced at the memory, and then noted with disappointment that this couldn't be Edward. The only person I knew that was tall as a giraffe was…
My eyes flung open and my breath caught in my throat. Oh, no…
"What the hell, Bella?"
I stared at Jacob in disbelief. I found it oddly miraculous that he managed to be here in my front yard, at the same exact time I flung myself from the window, and almost the same exact spot that I would have fallen.
Either I had a guardian angel watching over me, or for the first time in my life I had broken a streak and gotten lucky.
Neither one was comforting.
I really didn't want someone watching over me; that would just be way too freaky. And if for once in my life I had gotten lucky, it would probably mean that it was for the last and final time; which truly was not comforting at all since I would have rather died right here and now than endure innumerable years of unluckiness.
"Bella?" Jacob gripped both of my slender arms with his hands and glared at me, "Bella, what were you honestly thinking, flinging yourself from your window like that? Are you insane?"
"Yes," I mumbled, blowing a strand of my hair out of my eyes, "And I do recall you doing the same thing, Jacob Black."
He frowned at me. "That's different. I'm capable of such things. You, on the other hand, would have landed and broken both of your legs, with your particular luck."
"Fine, just rub it in my face, why don't you." I grumbled, not in a good mood at all.
Jacob grinned, "Sorry Bella, but it's not anyone's fault that you're uncoordinated."
I glared at him and refrained from punching my fist into his nose. I seriously did not need this right now. "Jacob, I had to get out of there. And could you please try letting me go?"
He blinked, as if just realizing that he was still gripping me with a superb amount of strength, and smiled sheepishly, "Sorry," he let me go and watched me intently as I stood up and brushed myself off.
"Okay, so for the first time in my life I decided to be rebellious. Is that such a crime?" I crossed my arms and stared childishly at him, hoping he'd get the point that for once I decided to do something out of the ordinary. I personally was sort of proud of myself.
"It is when you have a good chance of dying," Jacob said with a quick roll of his eyes, "Bella, you and I both know that you're smarter than that. Seriously, are you drunk?"
"No. I'm mad." To my utter horror, tears began rolling down my cheeks. I sucked in a deep, shaky breath, and furiously began wiping them away. I continued to glare at Jacob, temporarily hating him for making me cry in front of him.
"Bella," he whispered softly, standing up and taking me in his warm embrace. He stroked my hair while murmuring softly in my ear, "Bella, what's wrong…"
"He's gone," I whispered, surprising myself by letting my head fall on his shoulder, "Edward's gone. He's never coming back." I let out a quiet sob, muffled by his broad shoulder.
"It's okay," Jacob murmured gingerly, wrapping his arms tightly around me and beginning to rock me back and forth, "It's okay. I'm here, Bella."
I stared into the night with a mask of silver, glistening tears, momentarily blinding my vision. I closed my eyes and let Jacob rock me, listening to his soothing murmurs that just did not sooth me. But it was the way that Jacob held me, his one arm wrapped around my waist, the other stroking my hair, that greatly comforted me.
I didn't know what it was. All I knew was that he was here, and that I was not alone.
And so, with this single but utmost important thought seeping through my mind, I clutched Jacob tighter and allowed my anguish to triumph over me.