Title: Miniskirts! or not
Summary: Mustang was finally going to create his long dreamed of miniskirt army. Unless...
Disclaimer: FMA is not mine by any means whatsoever. ...darn it
warnings: Boys flirting. And a little naughty language. If you cant handle it don't read.
Notes: this is my first fanfic, so constructive criticism is appreciated. And it hasn't been beta read so yeah. And for reference, the final battle is over and Ed and Al have gotten their bodies back.
I was thinking of maybe making a sequel if people liked it, so if you do, please tell me k?
Also, I did a bit of editing, a couple additions and fixed some spacing issues & stuff. Not enough to really need to be reread or anything. Enjoy!
Edward and Alphonse Elric strolled casually through the Halls of HQ. Edward was 18 now and had grown somewhat calmer (and to his absolute delight, taller) with his age. So he no longer stomped his way angrily wherever he went.
Things were admittedly a bit confusing lately. What with their bodies back, Ed technically didn't even have to be in the army. But they were like family now and, admittedly, he didn't really know what else to do. After his last contract with the military expired, he hadn't known what else to do but renew it. And now that his current one was about to expire, he really had no doubt he'd do the same again. The problem was, he wasn't sure where he was needed anymore and so was now on his way to discuss with Fuhrer Mustang about where he should be placed.
He was planning on a nice calm (for once) discussion when he got there, but calm was the last thing he found. He suddenly heard gunshots and wondered what the bastard had done to piss off Hawkeye this time. They entered the office to find a rather amusing sight. All of the inner circle was there in the large room.
Havoc looked jubilant, Hawkeye and Ross looked outraged, Sheska looked really uncomfortable, and the rest of them were a mix between worried and intrigued. Except for Mustang, sitting at his desk with a single sheet of paper and looking like the most triumphant man on the planet.
"Aw man, this can only mean one thing." Ed said to Al.
"What's that brother?" Al asked completely confused by the mayhem.
"Just wait and watch. Mustang's going to make a complete ass of himself."
Suddenly Hawkeye slammed her fist onto a desk.
"You just can't go through with this Sir!" she all but screamed.
"Oh I can and I am," Mustang chirped happily. "And not even you and your gun can change my mind."
"This is insanity! Somebody stop him!" she yelled looking around the room.
In the midst of the turmoil Ed signaled to Al to sit with him on one of the couches available in the room. He then decided to sit back and watch the fun, the couch happened to be right near Mustang's desk and in prime view of all the action. Rumor had spread of this and he'd wondered when it was going to happen.
Al, finally unable to stand it asked "What's going on here? Why are you so upset Miss Hawkeye?" Ever the sweet, polite little Al.
Mustang placed his elbows on his desk and thread his fingers together before him in his trademark pose. "The day has finally come," Mustang said with total seriousness, "to fulfill my greatest dream."
"But you're already Fuhrer." Al said with confusion.
"And what have I always said I would do once I attained that goal?"
"Fix the country?", "Help the people?", "Create equality?" came the chorus of answers around the room.
"Well that too. Yes, Yes all very good answers. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about-"
"Being a total dumbass?" Ed interjected.
Mustang gave him a cold look and continued. "No, what I meant was-"
"Abusing your newfound privilege and power?"
Hawkeye smirked; he was getting closer.
"... Nooooo." Mustang said with waning patience. "I'm going to-"
"Unjustly objectify women?"
There was a chorus of snickers and smirking throughout the room; the last one had been right on. ... Al was still just confused.
"NO!" Mustang fiercely denied. He glared at them all. "Would you kindly have the decency to shut your mouth for once?" He directed his coldest look to Ed. Ed just smirked at him in return, knowing he'd won that round.
"I am about to do something great and wondrous here. Every man will rejoice once I've completed my goal of creating my ownMINISKIRT ARMY!" He stood and said dramatically waving his arm in a flourish.
"I'll follow you forever!" Havoc yelled and bowed at his commander's feet.
"This is asinine!" Riza shouted. "How can you possibly justify this?"
"There are many benefits to this my dear Riza, you just don't seem to understand them!" Mustang countered.
"I'm all ears. Pray tell just how you plan to pull this off as an official order. What benefit could a tiny skirt possibly have?"
"I'm so glad you asked!" Roy said grandly. He then started speaking in a completely serious tone. "First, the skirts will afford much better freedom of movement than the regular uniform. You'll be able to get around and move without having to worry about all that pesky stiff fabric getting in the way. Also just think of how much money we'll save. We'll be able to spend so much more of the money in our budget on other things once we are no longer spending it on that expensive fabric for uniforms!"
"Oh my God..." Riza said tiredly. "You've thought this through. You're trying to justify it."
"I swear this is singlehandedly The most moronic thing you've ever done." Ed sighed while rubbing his temples.
"Hey Ed!" Havoc said, still overcome with the greatness that was his leader. "You're always picking fights with Mustang and insulting him. Would it kill you to say something nice about him just once?"
Ed gave him a sour face and said "... Maybe."
Mustang took on a haughty look and said "Don't mind him Havoc. He's just a child still obviously. He's just not man enough to appreciate what we're trying to do here. I mean even look at him. He is quite feminine."
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME!?!?"
"I said," Mustang drawled superiorly. "You. Are. Pretty. Hardly even a man at all." He goaded with his most condescending smirk in place.
The entire room held it's breath for the explosion. Even Al moved as far to the other side of the couch as he could get and put his hands over his ears. It was true really, well the first part anyway. Ed had matured over the years and grown very attractive. Many would agree that he was rather ... pretty for a male, with his beautiful eyes and hair, and his inviting lips. The thing is, no one dared say it. It was a well known fact, but the last guy who'd had the balls to actually say it in an effort to rile him. ...Well let's just say it had not been pretty. He had proved to the entire mess hall that day that his looks in no way detracted from his ability to kick ass. And he was more than willing to dole out the punishment in copious amounts.
Ed's entire face went as red as his trademark coat. His eyebrow twitched and he positively trembled with rage. But then he did something strange, and for the people in that room, much scarier than yelling. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and seemed to hold it in as he slowly relaxed from his tense posture and sat back on the couch which he had previously jumped up from. Al was delightedly proud of how well his brother was learning to control his temper! ... But this newfound control was actually kinda scary ... At least when he lacked control, he would explode, you knew the outcome would be said explosion, and after it was done, you knew it was done. With this new development even Al didn't know what to expect. And he suddenly almost found himself wishing for Ed's immaturity to come screaming back, if only to break the tension.
Mustang frowned; this was not going the way he'd planned and he didn't like it. Maybe a direct challenge would do the trick?
"It really doesn't matter what you say anyway Fullmetal." He said in that snide voice that he knew Ed hated most. "I am going through with this despite your insignificant opinion. There's absolutely nothing you can do to change it. I am going to ignore you and cast aside anything you have to say on the subject as meaningless."
Meanwhile the other people in the room were glaring at the fuhrer and cursing his sadomasochistic tendencies.
Ed slowly opened his eyes and let out his breath. He looked around the room at all the people watching and waiting for what he would do next. He then looked first at Havoc, then at the paperwork lying on Mustang's desk, then Mustang, and back to Havoc. He then did the most worrisome thing he'd done yet. He got an evil glint in his eye and slowly smirked in a very scary way.
He then stretched out on the couch, spread his arms out on the back and spread his legs slightly, looking very comfortable. He stared at Roy all the while he was doing this and continued to keep his gaze fixed on him as he said "Ya know Havoc, I think you're right."
"I am?" Havoc squeaked out. "About what?"
"Weeell..." Ed drawled. "I suppose it wouldn't kill me to say something nice hmm?"
The people in the room turned incredulous eyes on Edward. Was he really going to do this? What was he planning? Havoc gulped. He had somewhat started this hadn't he?
"Roy Mustang. ..... Hmm." Ed stopped as if thinking.
"...What?" Roy asked suspiciously.
"Well I'm just trying to think of what to say. There are just SO many wonderful things about you now aren't there."
As soon as he said that his expression changed a bit. His evil smirk turned into something else. He was still smirking, but now his expression looked ... well ... sexy. And with the way he was sitting ... well no one in the room had ever seen him that way before. He'd always just been that brash, loud kid that had stormed into their lives one day. Now he seemed to be pretty much forcing them to look at him in a whole new light.
As he sat there looking ... almost predatory he gave Roy a look. He started at his hair and slowly moved his eyes downward and brought them back up just as slowly.
Roy blinked. Had Ed just...? He had a distinct urge to sit back down in his chair. But no, that would be like losing. So he instead forced himself to stand tall and straight in defiance.
Ed settled back into the couch a bit more and then spoke slowly in a husky voice none of them had heard him use before. And with eyes that were half lidded in an intensely sultry way.
"Roy Mustang is Dead Sexy."
Eyes bulged and mouths fell open. Roy for his part definitely went wide eyed and looked as though he had no idea what to do with that.
Ed's eyes traveled back down to the paperwork on Roy's desk and he gave a tiny laugh and slyly added "... In a miniskirt."
The jaws that had not previously been on the floor certainly were now. Riza put a hand to her mouth to try to contain her laughter and Al squeaked and turned a very bright red at hearing something like that come out of his brother's mouth. ... Roy looked like he had stopped breathing.
"Now that I have your attention ... perhaps you won't 'cast aside anything I have to say as meaningless?' Ed said with a mocking smirk to rival any the Fuhrer could create.
He was met with only silence as no one had completely recovered from the gigantic bombshell he'd just dropped.
"Oh good then." He said, sitting back up on the couch. "You said that these skirts will afford better freedom of movement while also saving money in the budget for other things correct?"
Roy still couldn't seem to speak, so Ed slowly nodded while saying "Hmm?" and, getting the picture, Roy nodded too just as slowly.
"Well good. Then considering that logic, it would only be logical that you would obviously have to insist that all of us in the army wear them. Being they're SO beneficial to the budget and our performance. ... And I guess that would include you too now wouldn't it? So we'd all better hope you look at least decent in one." He then looked down again seeming to focus on Mustangs legs. He made a contemplative face, tilting his head slightly, and said "Might wanna shave first though."
They could tell that Mustang, like the rest of them, still wasn't quite back to normal by his response.
"I ... do not have hairy legs." He said dazedly.
"Oh good then. Hopefully you don't have bony knees either. ... Hmm. And you're in pretty good shape, you exercise regularly, at lest I would assume since you're in the army. Being in shape is kind of a necessity. So you wouldn't have chicken legs either, I would assume you must have rather muscular thighs and calves. Better get ready to flaunt them." He said this all like the scientist he was, with utmost seriousness and logic, as if he was discussing some new theory. Or actual politics as Roy seemed to have been taking the miniskirt matter seriously.
Roy seemed to be coming back to himself. After opening and closing his mouth a few times without succeeding in actual speech, he cleared his throat to try again. He stared at Ed and seemed to think about it, though obviously not enjoying the thought. He then came to a conclusion and tossed his head.
"If it was really necessary ..." He trailed off and then came back full force. "If it was for the greater good I would look damn good in a miniskirt." He proclaimed. Though he was sweat dropping and seemed to be twitching a bit. He really wanted to sit down now. Ed just kept staring at his legs, and the comments certainly weren't helping.
"Maybe you could pull off a regular length skirt, but are you really sure about a miniskirt?" Ed was so obviously enjoying himself at this point. And the women were extremely relieved that someone had stepped up to the plate to try to prevent this atrocity. The spectators were enjoying this unique little show immensely. ... Roy seemed to be getting rather pale.
"Hey maybe you'll get lucky and make an exception since you're fuhrer!" Ed said with a beaming smile.
Roy lifted his head almost hopefully.
"Maybe they'll let you get away with a short skirt instead of a miniskirt! Maybe mid-thigh or something. Either way you'd better get used to tighty whiteys. Very tighty whiteys." He stopped and tilted his head again in that thoughtful little way and then smirked that sexy smirk that just seemed to catch them all off guard. "Or you could just go all the way and wear some nice women's panties."
Roy was definitely twitching now. And there was an obvious black cloud hanging over his head. He seemed to be mumbling something like "... for the greater good."
"And of course the opportunity to gawk at beautiful women makes it totally worth-"
Roy seemed to brighten up...
"-the fact that you'd also be getting an eyeful of what all the men have to offer. I mean that seems extremely equivalent to me. Though statistically, the army is made up of a lot more men so you'd probably more often get an eyeful of man then woman."
And now he was making strange strangled noises. The mental picture of someone like Armstrong in a miniskirt was just too much. He then seemed to realize something! He looked straight at Ed and opened his mouth.
"And since there are more men, that also means that you can't just dismiss all of the men to make your own gun-totting harem. The numbers would be drastically cut, and other countries would be able to completely annihilate us. And that's just not good politics."
Roy fell into his chair and his head fell to his desk.
"So I guess you really are smart Mustang! You should really put that army wide dress code into affect right now! OH!" He adopted a contemplative expression. "But I suppose that certain areas should be omitted. Like research and development for instance. I mean, the priority there is safety, since they're many times working with unstable substances and potentially harmful chemicals. Safety, over freedom of movement, is definitely what they need to think about. And I mean they really never had to wear the same uniform anyway."
"Ya know ..." He continued. "I originally came here to have a calm conversation with you about where exactly I should be stationed now, but I think I've found my calling! I mean research is what I'm really all about anyway. I guess anything you have to say on the subject can be cast aside as meaningless now!" He said the last with a cheerful chirp and smile." He now stood up and looked like he was preparing to leave the room. (which was now full of many very amused people...and Havoc and Roy who ... really could have looked better.)
Roy looked at him and began to say something but was interrupted once again.
"Oh I completely understand what you're doing and support you in it. I mean only a real man would wear a skirt for what he believes in. And who says there's anything wrong with cross dressing anyway? If a woman can wear pants then why the hell can't a man wear a skirt?" He said and pounded his fist on Roy's desk for emphasis. "And just think of all the good you'll do! Not just for the army but for gay rights too!"
... Roy looked like he was beginning to foam at the mouth.
"I guess that I, unfortunately, am just not man enough to wear a skirt for the justice of gay cross dressers everywhere. ... Oh wait... wasn't this about something else originally?" He put his finger to his chin and looked thoughtful before he snapped and said "Oh that's right: for the freedom and opportunity to objectify and stare at women. That's right, how silly of me."
" Anyway I'm just so sorry that I can't help you in your wonderful selfless cause. But I guess I really should be going down to research and development and getting my transferral papers. Coming Al?"
Al couldn't seem to talk from trying to hold back his laughter. So he merely got up and followed his brother out the door.
After they left there was total silence. Roy gaped after the walking hurricane and after a second everyone else turned from the door to stare at him.
"And that is why you never accuse Edward Elric of being pretty." Falman stated.
Most of them burst into uncontrollable laughter, except Riza, who put her hand to her mouth and tried to cover her chuckles, and Havoc, who looked just as disillusioned as Roy.
"Who knew he could be that amazingly vindictive? I mean I knew he could be harsh but WOW!" Breda choked out while in a fit of hysterics.
The poor heartbroken man leaned back in his chair and proceeded to mourn, rivers of tears streaming down his face. "He killed it. He killed it. He killed it."
The others began filing out of the room. Still laughing to themselves at various decibels. Roy then heard footsteps approaching and a voice calling "I'll catch up in a minute Al."
Ed walked back into the office, found it empty, save for Roy, and closed the door. He put on his surprisingly sexy face with the hooded eyes again and said. "Now that no one else is here, I just wanna say good luck with your goal and all that. Have fun cross dressing for your dream you Big. Brave. Sexy. Manly man you." He then adopted a sultry pout. "I'll miss you though you know. Down there all alone in that new department without anybody I know." He smirked again. " I guess I'll just have to come visit. You know, catch up. See how you look in your new ... uniform. Think you'll live up to expectations?"
Roy stared at him fixedly and pulled out his ashtray specifically for burning documents. He folded up the piece of paper he now never wanted to look at or think about again, put it in the tray, and snapped. They both watched it turn to ashes and Roy sighed.
"A dream deterred huh?" Ed asked smugly.
Roy just glared at him grumpily. So since he figured nothing else was forthcoming, no yelling or punishment, Ed made a move he'd been wanting to make all along. He walked around Roy's desk to him and leaned forward towards him. Roy's eyes widened again at his actions.
Then Ed began talking in that low husky voice that was so new and ... enticing. "Ya know it really is kind of a shame. I kinda wanted to see what you'd look like. ... Although I suppose You'd look so much better in other things. I don't think you're really a skirt kinda man. But you know what the real shame is about this?"
Roy looked into his eyes as if locked there by the spell of his voice and his beautiful golden orbs and shook his head 'no'.
"The only shame is that I wouldn't have stayed in another department for long. I'm here because of you and I don't respect anyone else enough to stay under their command for long. I would have come back to you ... and when I did ..." He paused and his eyes glowed with something that made Roy swallow thickly. "... you know damn well that I would've made that look good." He finished with a husky whisper in Roy's ear.
Ed slowly stood up straight, gave Roy a smile that he refused to admit he was beginning to like, and turned around and walked slowly to the door. Roy couldn't help but stare. (Had Ed always looked that good in those ... tight ... leather pants?)
Ed opened the door and said to Al who was waiting outside "Well what'a ya know looks like we're going home for the day after all Al. I don't think I'll be getting those transfer papers ... well not right now anyway." He said the last with a sad hint to it.
He turned back to Roy to finish what he had started ... for now. "I'll be back later, in a few days maybe, and then we can have that talk. I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing anymore so I wanted to talk to you about it, you being my previous commanding officer and everything. But I guess as it is, you're the head honcho now right? So I guess you can stick me wherever you damn well please ... or ... fire me, if that's what you want. It's your call."
He started backing out of the room and finished with "So I guess I'll be around eventually. ... And I hope for a ... favorable conversation ... I guess. He stopped and gave him one last beautifully hopeful smile, and then shut the door. Apparently he decided (correctly) that the man would probably appreciate some time to think after all that.
And think Roy had to. But how? He really had no idea what to think of all this. Well it was wrong right?
'He's 18, an adult, and perfectly capable of his own decisions. ... And definitely legal.' His conscience whispered to him.
Well besides that, he was Ed's commanding officer wasn't he? Fraternization was strictly prohibited by military law so it could never happen.
'But you're not his direct superior anymore. You're still above him of course, but he'll have another commander now. You're not directly in charge so it doesn't apply. AND fraternization only gets called to task if it creates a problem. So if you behave there's no harm done.' His inner voice continued to contradict him.
'...Besides you're fuhrer now, you can change the law if you really want to.' Ah there was his inner narcissist.
But he was another man and Roy was Roy.
'Oh come on like you've never done it before. Sure, not openly but you're Roy Mustang! You can have anyone you want, whoever it is!' Ah conscience and narcissist combined, tricky combo.
Well that was true. But when had he ever said he wanted him?
'Stop trying to lie to me I'm YOU!'
And now he was officially having a conversation with himself. Just great. Not only was he having a conversation with himself, but he was actively arguing with himself ... and losing.
But as he continued to argue with himself, he had to admit one thing, if only to himself ... however long that would last. He'd never considered looking at a man in a miniskirt, and as it was, he still didn't think it would be attractive on almost any man. But Edward Elric ... He remembered the sight of him walking away in those leather pants. And said to the empty room.
"He would have made that look damn good."