Authors Note: Sorry for the late upload! haven't gotten around to completing this chap for ages! Thank you for the reviews!! I got more than I had expected lol, and I do appreciate them, so MORE I say!!
MAKE OUT EDUCATION:
(Mr Grumpy Pineapple)
"Ok class," Anko paced back and forth, hands tightly clasped behind her back as she browsed the aisles. "A few words that I think need to be listed for this class are…" she pulled one hand in front of her, counting with her fingers, "Penis, vagina, foreskin, breasts, tits, credit card slot, saggerty Anne's (in various cases), dick, pussy, Hairy Mclairey, dildo… etcetera, etcetera, etcetera," she paused, noticing that it was so silent a cricket could have been heard, but of course even crickets would be far too shocked to even chirp, "Oh, and of course hymen." She added. She looked over them, chewing her tongue awkwardly. They were so… despondent.
"So ugh… would anyone care to see a dildo?"
They sank back in their chairs, almost cowering.
"Yes I know you have no idea what it is," she said, not waiting for a reply as she pulled the vibrater from her almost over flowing bag.
"Now, do I have any volunteers?" she whacked the object continuously against her palm as if it were a club, "Now don't be shy, it'll be absolutely fine," she stepped closer to her terrified students, looking for the best match for the job. Finally she took her pick.
"You!" she bore into the blue eyes of a blonde haired girl. At this, the child went stiffly pail, retreating behind the book she was clearly pretending to read.
"Well," Anko said expectantly, "What's your name kiddo?"
"Um…" she looked down, "Ino, Ino Yamanaka,"
"Great!" she beamed, grabbing the girl's wrist abruptly and pulling her to the front of the class. Without another word she shoved it into Ino's hand.
"Now there's a switch at the side just there… yes there," she instructed as the confused pupil flicked the button, and the operation was set in motion. The contraption began to rumble, sending an earthquake right up the girl's arm.
"So uh… how does that make you feel…Primo was it?"
"Ino" the child retorted, grinding her teeth together.
"Oh, yes of course, you can turn it off now Primo, and go sit down,"
Ino growled softly, dropping the small machine without a moment's hesitation, and darting back up the rows of seats, making sure to sit at the far back this time.
Anko sighed, dragging her eyes across the students, who in return glared back at her. Were they totally thick? Shy maybe? Perhaps they just held a certain hatred towards her- who on earth knew why.
"Well, first things first," she sighed, after a prolonged fracture of silence, "we should just start with the basics I guess… I think this may be a bit too…" she paused, "advanced." She dug into her over crowded pocket, rummaging for something. There, her fingers had finally latched on to it, and she pried it out. Pacing to the front row of seats once again, she slapped it down on the bench in front of a rather bored looking boy, snapping him from his trance suddenly. His eyes flicked up for a moment, before glazing back over with a dull stare.
"Open it," she ordered.
He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, as if moving was the most tedious thing he'd ever done. He turned the small, square packaging in his palm for a few moments, then split the plastic ceil effortlessly. Cringing, he pulled the moist, sticky contents out, trying, with all his lazy might, to touch it as little as possible.
"Now hold it up,"
His eyebrow twitched, and before he could argue, she stared at him intently, with an expression that screamed, do as I say or else. Of course, the boy was far too sluggish to be bothered with an argument, and inwardly decided that it was far more practical to get the woman's insane antics over and done with. So, despite how incredibly it repulsed him, he raised his hand, the white, soggy object dangling from it.
"Now, can anyone tell me what…"
"A condom," the boy cut in, his voice a troubled mutter.
"Very good!" she beamed, "Uh… what's you're name kid?"
"Shikamaru," he sighed, handing the condom back to her. Extracting another item from her coat, she took it.
"Now" she held up the carrot, "imagine this is an erect penis (a penis being the worm that hangs between the males legs)… when I say the word 'erect', just think of buildings being erected. It just means hard and standing up right…The Leaning Tower of Pisa however, definitely needs some Viagra." She grinned, holding the carrot out in front of her. It had been her last one at home, and her pay didn't come till tomorrow, so she figured that boiling water would sterilise it for tonight's dinner. "This is how you put it on, once the penis is erect," she said, rolling it down the crooked vegetable, "now, once you have done this, there are several things you can do with it, like…" she opened her mouth, slotting it in, as if her orifice was a vending machine, insinuating a blow job. "Or…" she trotted back to the front row, violently thrashing the carrot against the side of the wooden railing, "Best of all... this!"
Iruka, who had been observing for the past five or ten minutes, gasped, his bottom jaw drooping to the ground. What on earth was this woman doing? Had she any idea of that herself? His students, his pride and joy, were being corrupted, their poor, innocent minds being contaminated with this… filth! He felt himself plunging forward into the room, snatching the now massacred vegetable from her hand, pulling it from her reach, "That is quite enough," he said promptly, "Class dismissed,"
That night, Anko had decided to venture on somewhat of a lengthy walk before heading home. So, naturally, when she finally stumbled through the front door of her apartment, she was already exhausted. Kicking off her shoes, she dragged herself to the kitchen, piling the ingredients for her meal onto the table, and slackly pouring them into a pan. That Iruka dude, he'd been so rude! Interrupting her perfectly great lesson. She huffed, just as the students were finally beginning to understand too. She scratched her ankle with her toe nail, waiting impatiently for the water to boil. She stirred angrily, snapping the not yet soaked noodles apart. He had no right, absolutely no right to do what he did, she was called, appointed by the Hokage to do this, NOT him. Men, they thought the owned everything, like they were the king of the jungle. Well, she wasn't a lioness, and he certainly wasn't a lion, so things were going to be a bit different from now on, he was not going to have his way, she decided. And just as she had made this decision, she heard a loud thudding at her front door. She let go of the spoon, leaving it to float in the pot. Who would that be at this hour? It was nearly nine O'clock. Sighing, she turned the element on, and shuffled to the doorway, cracking it open as far as the chain would allow. Immediately, her expression melted into un amusement, "What?" she snapped.
Iruka seemed to shrink back, almost intimidated.
She grinned to herself, ah, the pineapple head was afraid of her.
"Can I come in please Anko?" he asked, too politely. The door slammed shut abruptly, just about cutting off his nose. For a few, drawn out seconds, he was sure she had snobbed him, until he heard the chain jingling, and the knob turned once more, the hinges screeching open. Anko did not have the courtesy to invite him in, or even offer him a reassuring smile, she just turned away and stormed down her hall, swerving back into her kitchen. He shuffled from one foot to the other, in awkward silence, unsure of himself. He gulped, peering into the dimly lit apartment. What did she keep in there? Did she use that creepy snake jutsu to castrate her men or something? Had any man dared to go near her?
Anko paused, listening intently for his footsteps, but none echoed down through her house. She rolled her eyes, "Men," she hissed under her breath, "Are you coming? Or do I have to send something to get you?"
"No!" he squeaked, scrambling in.
"Now what is it?" she said, not reverting her eyes from stirring when he finally entered.
""W-well," he began, hesitantly, "I trust we are both um… mature adults, so I'll just put this straight…"
She thumped the bottom of her pan with the spoon.
"I think your teaching methods are…somewhat… inappropriate,"
"Oh?" she eyed him, causing him to feel a mile shorter than her.
"Yes well," he continued hoarsely, "as you may know, children, particularly of that age group are very impressionable…"
"Oh Iruka!" she threw her head backwards, chuckling, her mood suddenly changing "you look so pale, I'm not going to eat you. Would you like to sit down, and we can discuss this over dinner. Would you like some?"
"What is it?" he glared at her suspiciously.
"Ramen with carrot and other vege's," she did not even wait for a reply as she began pouring two bowls. She needed someone to help her eat this, as she had mistakenly brewed up far too much.
Anko shoved the bowl into his chest, leading him to the dining room. This was perfect, she had him wrapped around her pinkie finger, and once the knot was tied, she would be able to get away with absolutely anything she wanted. She began slurping at her noodles immediately as they crouched, "Now what was it you wanted to say?" she said, her mouth stuffed full to the brim.
"Yes well," what was with all of his sentences starting with 'yes well'? He sure didn't look well, in fact, he seemed ready to faint, and put the first slice of carrot obliviously in his mouth in an attempt to calm himself.
"You see, I think you need to um… sensor your lessons somewhat…"
"And why do you think that?" she perked an eyebrow.
"Well see, all that sensual stuff isn't all sex is about… you know… there's a bit more to it,"
"Oh? And how exactly would you know Mr Grumpy pineapple," she leaned forward over the table, just enough for a tiny crack of cleavage to show, and smirked slightly at her own rhetorical question.
"I happen to know very well thank you very much," he sucked in a gallon of air, holding his chest firmly high, and proudly pursed his lips. But to his utter astonishment, Anko saw this as an opportunity, leaning forward and brushing her mouth against his, "Oh really?"
His eyelid tore widely apart until she could have sworn they'd completely disappear, "I-I have to go," he stuttered, tripping backwards.
Iruka clicked the door shut behind him, quickly scampering down the stairs and into the street. The woman was mad, that was for sure, stark raving bonkers. He knew for certain he would have to keep a close eye on her after that performance. What in kami's name was the Hokage thinking? He was surprised she was a jounin rather than trapped in a mental institute somewhere. Though, she'd probably end up driving the med-nins in charge of her to admit themselves to the same hospital. He was not up for nutty, sex crazed kunoichi throwing moves on him the night after the love of his life left him.
He crouched down once he was finally in his house, patting his small dog on the head softly, "I guess she left you too aye Asparagus," he sighed. Jeez, what was with the women that were attracted to him and there obsessions with vegetables? Anyone who would call their dog Asparagus had to have psychological issues. So why then, he thought, lightly pressing his fingers to his lips, why could he still feel her on him 20 minutes later?
R . E . V . I . E . W ! ! ! !